Diamonds? Silver? Gold? - Nah... I Think I Must Be A Boring Old Tart...

OK........ Well, I aint one to get pressies as such....Im more of a giver then a receiver.... it dont bother me, much lol, but on saying that I do LOVE to open a gift that someone has choosen or made especially for me, I have had a couple of those in me life. I dont get crimbo pressies or birthday pressies or cards from anyone except me 4 lads, and the 4 little pressies that were under me tree from me lads I couldnt open til the end of the day LOL, I just wanted to keep looking at them, wrapped with my name on the label and sort of saviour them lol, so crimbo and birthdays I dont have piles of gifts or cards on the table for me to get excited about and open (except the last birthday which was suppose to be a special one, a few maties here bought me flowers and balloons, which is a first in my life lol)....

I rarely got pressies as a child, me brothers would get wonderful pressies in bright coloured wrappings...train sets and scalectric racing sets.... and piles of lego and action figures....... and I would watch them open them and enjoy their smiles.... I would usually get a jumper or a cardigan lol often a hand me down from me cousin Sally, which would take almost a year for me to grow into LOL, but that to was ok..... its just how it was.... ya just got use to it, and ya learnt never to expect special things in life......and that is something that still hangs with me now at my ripe old age..... never expect, then ya wont be disappointed.....

Anyways........ all me maties around their birthdays and crimbo would say what they would be buying 'themselves' as a gift...... this has been something that for years I just couldnt get me head around LOL..... they would buy themselves a birthday or crimbo pressie...... how funny, and it was not cos they didnt get piles of gifts etc, cos they all have large and extended families, so they and their kids are spoilt for choice ....... like me, me lads only get gifts from each other, no extended family here to shower gifts upon them...... and that to is ok.....its just how it is, and that is why I try and make their birthdays special.... and always make a cake and hang balloons and streamers around the house....

I do sometimes, just sometimes smile and wonder what it would be like to be spoilt, I would love to experience that just once in life before I meet me maker....just to see what it was like lol ya know, just out of curiousity ....

So just before me birthday last September, I got to thinking what it would be like to buy meself a pressie for me birthday LMFAO...... how silly of me.... should I buy diamonds? silver? something in gold?......

Jebus I must be such a boring old tart.... cos this is what I DID buy meself...... AND it arrived on me actual birthday..... ITS A SIGN lol maybe a sign that all Im worth is a pile of decaying veggie matter LOL



Its a compost bin :) - I was so happy when it arrived LMFAO..... what a bleedin saddo I really am.... I told me mates, they laffed at me, and said, that aint no proper pressie... sometimes I dont know why these friends are me maties LOL we are like chalk and cheese, they dont recycle they dont cook from scratch they dont do pets and certainly they dont do chickens, they are so opposite from me.... but I love them so very much lol.....

For over a week I could not place the compost bin where I had cleared a space for it, cos first it had to be used as a fort, and a castle and a den and a lookout tower..... I had to insist by the end of the week that I WANT ME BIN BACK lol.....



How many kids can one get in a compost bin :) - looks like 4, thats with Jon squashed at the bottom looking out the liftie up door LOL.... they had such fun with something so very simple :)...... but now its taken its rightful place and I feed it everyday with all the veggie peelings.... and garden cuttings etc....and the herbie straw from Janet and Mabels bedroom :)... I LOVES me compost bin, to me its better then diamonds, silver or gold, the saddo that I am LOL......


Ok, you are thinking thats ya birthday done and dusted ya saddo, what about ya crimbo pressie to yaself...... shaking me head, I knows your gonna think, what a double saddo that tart really is LMFAO.....

Here goes, these are the little items I bought meself for crimbo, AND I even thought about wrapping them LMFAO..... which I didnt :)...



I have this thing about heart shaped things.... and Ive always wanted a heart shaped flan thingie, so now I have one :).. BUT no normal one, only one with a 20 year guarantee LMFAO...



A new cake tin :)... spring loaded ya know lmfao..



And not one BUT two quiche tins LOL.... I really let the boat out right? :)



Oh, how I just fell in love with this little orange ommelete/pancake pan :) its got little pictures of carrots around the side LOL..... ok, shut up.... I know Im a saddo without you having to say it.....

And last but not least was me most bestest pressie I found for meself...... remember me crimbo HUGE turkey plate with the holly and ivy design by Portmeirion.... well just ave a butchers at this little beauty :)



I LOVE bowls with a passion, I loved especially 'larry the lobster' bowl that I bought in Maine during the summer, but alas it got broken :( - this little crimbo bowl is still on me kitchen table with NUTS in lol.....

And all these bits and bobs I bought in the pre-crimbo sale, so they all together cost less then 25 quid which is about $50......

Again me maties thought I was mad to buy such simple inexpensive things as a gift to myself, no diamonds or silver or gold for me...... but then they dont cook or bake and will never know what pleasure I will glime from these items, long after the shine of their treasures have wained......

And even more of a saddo that I am, me maties were all rushing around crimbo eve in the shops getting all hot and bothered, looking for that last minute bargain, and where was I? well, only up the dump with the rubbish and stuff from the garden, I wondered why it was empty that day.... I just aint bleedin normal, this I know lol

Ok, say it, Melody you are such a saddo, no wonder you are on ya own in life.... lol..... your a lost cause..... well, Im just me lol.... :)

Way to much twaddling rubbish for a bright and sunny Wednesday afternoon.....

x

Soon Wiped That Smile Off His Big Fat Face.........

Ok........ so a couple of summers ago my Sam, even though he was fully vacinated...... caught MUMPS..... yep, you heard right, he caught mumps...... for some reason there was a cluster of mumps outbreaks in this village, and my Sam and the guitarist in his band went down with it ......

I think its unusual to catch it if ya had the vacine as a child, but you know how the luck in this house is lol......

Anyways...... there was about 6 nippers in the village that got it, from where, no one is sure, but all I can say is that my lad must be as 'ard as nails' cos the others that caught it were wellabit poorly, but my Sam, as did I, laffed each and every day as he puffed up and his head grew big and his face began to resemble a hamster.....he was fat and swollen but other then that he was not poorly or unwell at all...



This is Sam laffing when I told him I think he has mumps...

A few days later his face had puffed up so much that he began to resemble a chinaman LOL....

I told him that I should take him to the doctors just to check that I had it right and that indeed he did have mumps.....

This is the conversation we had in the car on the way to the doctors......


Me - Sam, ya know mumps at your age can be dangerous...

Sam - What do you mean 'dangerous'...

Me - Well as a little kid ya just get poorly and swollen, but at your age mumps can make ya infertile... (he was 16 lol)

Sam - Infertile, what the hell...

Me - Yep, and in extreme cases ya nuts can swell so big that they burst and they fall off and ya fall on the floor in agony...and ya cant stand for days let alone walk...

Sam - Oh shut up mum, you making it up...

Me - Ok Sam, dont believe me, but dont come crawling to me with ya nuts burst all over the floor asking for a plaster(bandaid) and sympathy...

Sam - SILENCE.......

Me - Smiling...

Sam - 5 minutes later...... so what do you think the doctor will do *gulp*...

Me - Oh he or she will have a look at ya swellings...

Sam - Well she wont have to look hard mum, just look at me fat face...

Me - Who said anything about ya face *giggling*...

Sam - Whats that suppose to mean...

Me - Like I told ya Sam, ya know, about ya nuts (SO KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AT THIS POINT)...

Sam - WHAT???

Me - Yep, ya will have to strip naked and probably get one or two 'unswelling injections'...

Sam - *gulp gulp* what the hell is an unswelling injection?

Me - (Dead straight face).... ya know Sam, in ya bits to try and stop the risk of ya nuts exploding with the mumps virus...

Sam - Well I AINT gonna let that happen... no one is giving me an unswelling injection in me nuts... they will just have to explode and drop off... (real scared look on his face)...

Me - Lets just wait and see what she says...

Sam - A SHE? then thats it, turn the car around and take me home...

Me - No way Sam, look, there's a parking space... lets go in...

Doc - Dont look so scared Sam, its not gonna be painful for to long...

Me - Smiling...

Sam - Please, can I have the unswelling injection in me arm instead of in me nuts?...

Doc - Blank Stare...

Me - Smiling and keeping me mouth shut so tight I could hardly breathe...

Doc - Sam, what are you talking about, I didnt say anything about an injection, and certainly not an unswelling injection, and what is that anyway?...

Me - Grinning like a cheshire cat lol...

Sam - Red with embarrassment..... me mum said that mumps makes ya infertile at my age and that me nuts will swell and burst and drop off unless I have the unswelling injection, and I aint striping naked and I dont do injections and I didnt wanna come and I think maybe I dont want kids anyway, so I might as well go home NOW...

Me - holding my hand over my mouth to try and stop the giggles...

Doc - And you believed your mum? HAHAHAHAHA... (she was now trying to compose herself).. Sam, your nuts will not burst, they will not drop off, and you do not need an unswelling injection ANYWHERE... except for your swollen glands in your neck the rest of you is fine, just let the mumps run their course, and all will be well......

She turned to me and said....... NOW, that story is mine to keep and to use when and wherever I can LOL

Me - Well sometimes a parent just HAS TO HAVE PAYBACK TIME and my time was today LOL...

Sam - I DONT THINK THATS FUNNY MUM hahahahahahahaha I will get ya back.....



Soon wiped that smile off his fat face..... see how swollen he looks lol

He LOVES me really..... this is word for word a true account of what happened :) - it was just sooooo funny... how could I not tease him, 16 is just a great age for payback LOL

Way to much Twaddle gone midnight on a Thursday night.....ok, so I couldnt sleep :)...

x

Poisoned......

Ok....... Sorry I aint been around....but Im in hospital.....

Let me explain...... yesterday I was wellabit hungry so I thought I would whip up an cheese and onion ommelete..... I rummaged around in the veggie basket to find an onion, there was only 2 left under the spuds and one had started to sprout, but it was ok, I would just cut off the green shoots, ya know I DONT like wastage so I would use that one first LOL.....



This is the sprouting onion..

The ommelete did have a strange taste, but I put it down to the fact that I used a different type of cheese then usual..... It was thick and yummy.....



Heres me scrummie ommelete...

But last evening, I felt well strange..... I mean REALLY strange..... me doctor came out and I was sent to hospital, he thought I had some kind of poisoning...... where upon further investigation it was reveiled that the onion that I had used for me ommelete was not actually an onion, it was in fact A BLOODY OLD DAFFODIL bulb that must of been left over when I planted them earlier in the year..... what a bloody DINLO I truely am......



See how alike to an onion a daff bulb really is...... it was an honest mistake.....

Well....... Im ok...... cos I didnt leave it to long before I realised something was not right........

The Doctors have said...... I should be fine.......

and..

I SHOULD BE OUT IN THE SPRING................ boom boom.....

I should be out in the spring, do ya get it...... ITS A JOKE....... I heard it this morning on the radio..... well not quite the same story but still.......

ITS A BLOODY JOKE........ and I was real a miserable git this morning and it actually made me laugh out loud LOL......

Oh shut up, its well funny...... :)

Enough Boring Twaddle for a Saturday lunch time...... anyone wanna take me to lunch?

x

Daft Cow.....

Ok....... so, I had 4 little pressies for crimbo, one each that me lads bought.... so there were 4 little pressies wrapped under the tree with me name on :)...ya see, we only have us, no other family, so me lads and I only have gifts from each other.. I am a person of such simple means, I must be the most easiest person in the world to find or make a gift for........ and....



I JUST LOVE....



ME NEW....



CRIMBO SLIPPERS....

Well, I should rephrase that..... I DID love me new crimbo slippers, until last Sunday......

Ya see, I looked out the kitchen window on Sunday and I could see Janet pecking around the garden but NO Mabel...... so I opened the back door and made that stupid clucking noise that chicken owners often use to call in their bird lol...... so my Janet comes running up to me to see what I had for her, but NO Mabel..... but I could hear black Patrick's cockeral 3 gardens over making a hell of a racket.... and then I could hear this other clucking noise coming from 2 gardens over..... so theres me stood at the back door thinking, dam, bloody Mabel has fluttered over the fences in need of a bonk from black Patricks cockeral the dirty little bird that she is, and has landed a garden short, and there is a terrier dog that lives in that garden and I know if they let the dog out then Mabel is gonna definetely be Sunday lunch for the dog, cos it has already had 2 of black Patrick's cockerals that have fluttered over the fence.....

Dont get me wrong, its not the dogs fault, its only doing what comes natural to a little cute terrier, ya know, ripping a friendly chicken to death.....

So without thinking I try to hobble fast down me rain soaked muddy wet slippery garden in me COW SLIPPERS.... thinking I will go out me back gate along to Neils garden where Mabel the horny bird was flapping around, before they let the dog out......

I didnt think to put on some proper shoes, so as I got about 10 foot onto me wet muddy slippery rain soaked garden, me slippers which are right stupid slip on slippers with no back, got stuck in the mud and as I sorta stumbled to keep them on me feet I slipped arse over tit and ended up on me side laying in the mud......

Ok, for some this would be no problem, but for me LOL with me gimpy knee which was tucked up underneath me arse and with me head spinning in pain, well, I couldnt just jump up LMFAO..... ok its well funny now..... so I lay there in the mud, thinking, ouch dam ouch tears ouch dam.... there was no one in to help me lol..... 15 minutes I lay in the mud thinking thats it, sod it, let me die here in the mud lol...... then I remembered that my Sam was in the house so I started to call LOL.... Sam SAm SAMMMMMMM..... he came to the back door and rushed out to help me upright, and then he just burst out laffing so hard that I had to box his ears for him...... he realised I was ok, but I was covered from head to toe in thick wet mud, it was even in me hair where I had just laid down and waited to die LOL...

I hobbled back in doors and put proper shoes on and then between us we went to rescue Mabel, which in inself was no easy task.... Jacob came in and he helped, we got a sheet to try and throw over the chicken to catch it....... we must of looked a right proper funny sight hobbling around Neils garden chasing dam mabel...

How I resisted wringing her bloody neck, I dont know lol......



This is Mabel just after I caught her, and yes, those are my hands around her neck LOL..... to wring or not to wring that is the question :) - but look at that cute little face, aint she adoreable :)

I told me maties in the week about Sunday and the slip and the mud and Mabel and they laffed at me..... Ive just this second told me matie Wendy (she has just come to pick up sleddie who I childmind) and she laffed so hard she upset her cuppa tea all over her trousers LOL.......

So the crimbo cow slippers that I loved, I now HATE lol they are well dangerous with a gimpy knee..... I know, maybe I shouldnt of hobbled down the garden in the wet without proper shoes on and maybe I might of slipped anyways...... but, I BLAME THE SLIPPERS...... I aint a 'daft cow' no matter how many times me maties call me it ....

An easy simple life.... that is all I ask...... Enuff Twaddle for a rain soaked Friday evening.....

x

Sometimes Its Best To Just Smile And Keep Ya Gob Shut ....

Ok.......... So, 4 or 5 days after crimbo and the fridge is overflowing with nibbles and scrummies and munchies, lots of savory bits and bobs as well as the sweet stuff.... I baked and cooked and baked constantly over the holidays, I didnt mind though cos I love it, and Im not one to sit and blank stare at the telly on me own with no one to snuggle up to, and me lads were in and out so I spent much much time stuck indoors on me own..........so I spent hours in the kitchen.....

Anyways, with 4 lads in the house, all home with no work cos of the holidays, and no college or school, they were in constant need of refueling as they came in and out of the house and they picked and munched their ways through endless amounts of homecooking.... jebus it is cheaper when they are at work etc LOL

Me lovely fresh turkey (RIP dear feathered friend), made 4 super meals..... obviously Roasted Turkey, and then Turkey, Almond and Garlic Bake which is to die for, then Turkey Curry and last but not least Turkey Lasagne...

We are also big cheese munchers in this house and it was lovely to be able to buy all the crimbo ones besides the normal ones.....I would so miss our variety of cheeses if I moved to doodleland...



Above are some of the cheeses we love...

Anyways, what Im trying to say is, that in this house, we NEVER waste food, if I see a little lonely onion in the veggie basket on its last legs, I will somehow turn him into a meal, I rarely have to lob out stuff cos its gone off, or veggies cos they have turned, I just dont like lobbing stuff in the bin, maybe it stems from the months when I was first on me own with me lads and we didnt have tuppence to rub together..... so I bake and bake to make sure all fresh fruit and veggies dont go to waste..... some of me mates buy fresh veg etc and then have to lob it out cos they aint used it and then buy frozen cos its easier LOL..... bloody townies :)

So....... me lads come in late one night and shout...... hey mum, can we munch anything thats in the fridge or on the table.......... sure I say, just make sure you cover it up after ya finished.......

Well, my Ben LOVES crackers and cheese and savory bits and bobs on cheesey crackers...... so he loads his plate up and sits down to watch the telly and munch......

He munched the crackers with the cheese, he munched the crackers with the pate, he munched the crackers with the savory bits and bobs........ and then he munched a cracker with this on.....



And I watched and smiled and didnt say a word, and I watched and giggled to meself and still didnt say a word..... and I SMILED AND SMILED and sometimes its best NOT to say a word LMFAO...... and inside I was laffing me socks off...... still best not to say a word.....

I watched him try it, he was not sure, I kept me head down but watched from the corner of me eye..... he tried it again on another cracker.... and after 3 more crackers he says.......What sort of stuffing is this mum...... oh I says, I cant remember, why?........ its just got this different sorta taste and is crunchie in parts and sort of ickie in other parts he says..... oh I says I didnt realise there was any stuffing left in the fridge........ well he says, there is and its wellabit nice, .....

I had to get up and walk into the kitchen before I wet meself laffing...... and STILL I kept me mouth shut lmfao

Ya see..... one of the days after crimbo, I baked a huge joint of Silverside Beef..... we dont have beef that often so when I do buy it I buy real top quality joints...... jebus it tasted like heaven :)...... well I tipped the dripping from the joint after it was cooked into a bowl..... dripping is all the fat and the juices that run out of the meat whilst its cooking... and when left it sets like fat lol

Knowing I DONT DO WASTE I thought I would make some fat and seed treats for me bird table with the dripping and a bag of wild bird seed I had bought the week earlier......

(do you know when we was kids we would spread the dripping (beef fat) onto bread and then squash sugar into it and have it for our tea :) EEEEEEwwwwww can you imagine now adays eatin a sarnie spread with melted congelled fat)

So I had mixed the beef dripping with handfuls of bird seed and put it in the fridge to harden before I put it in the garden as a crimbo treat for the birds .......

Ya can see where this is going right? lol

My Ben had thought the bowl of bird treats was a bowl of left over stuffing lmfao....... and had only eaten 5 or so crackers piled high with the stuff.......

Did I come clean and tell him what he had just eaten.......



Nah..... sometimes, ya just gotta sit back and enjoy the funny bits in life and keep ya mouth shut lmfao

A few days after he had munched the wild bird seed fat treat LOL..... he spied it out on the bird table....... oh mum, he said, thats a waste, I would of had the rest of that in me lunchbox for work........



TEMPTED....... I was so bloody tempted to spill the beans LMFAO......but somethings are just best kept to yaself, well and to share with ya blob maties LOL

More then enuff boring Twaddle for just gone midnight on a wet Friday....

x