A Tad Poorly

OK............


Sorry I have not been around ya blobs of late, only Im a tad poorly...... a right proper poorly....

So please excuse me for not giving me all...... I tried to fight me poorliness but had to drag me pathetic self to the doctors yesterday..... yep as suspected..... well poorly........

Normal service and blob reading will commence as I feel up to it....... sorry maties.....

Dam..... I think I just coughed up me kidneys ....... or is that a bit of liver.... :)

Take care and I will get back soon.......

x

Im A Great Plumber - Sort Of - Maybe - NOT......

Ok......... guess what happened yesterday?......... yep, your right lol...... after a fortnight and 6 days, me new bloody washing machine turned up.......... ya see... last Tuesday exactly a fortnight after ordering a new one, the tossers rang me to say that in actual fact they didnt have the one I had actually ordered and if I would like to choose another from the catalogue they would put it on order......... WHAT...... I said.....hang on a minute, when I ordered it a fortnight ago you told me it was in stock, not only have you taken the dosh out of me bank account, Ive also paid for, and received a 5 year insurance breakdown policy on a machine you aint even got?....why has it taken you a fortnight to tell me it aint now in stock?....... I know, the woman said.....in that patronising voice.... YOU DONT KNOW NUFFIN, I said, and you DONT understand....... a fortnight with no machine and NOW you tell me you aint got the one you promised me would be delivered today...... just order another she said and in a another fortnight it will be delivered......... I DONT THINK SO MISSY....... ok...... debit me bank account back with the money you stole AND the breakdown cover dosh and I will go elsewhere....... thank you for your time NOT...... much more was in fact exchanged but I will NOT go into that LMFAO

So a week ago, I dragged Ellis, Sprite and scabbie Jack to Currys, which is a big electrical shop in town in one of those retail parks.....to say I had a 'monk on' is an understatement....... I walked into the shop up to the first 7kg load machine I saw that had a big sticker on it that read TAKE HOME TODAY........can I help you madam a woman said....... yep, I want that machine there please and can someone help me load it into the car (see what an easy shopper I am)....... but madam I havent told you what it does or any offers....... I dont care if it sings and dances..... its big, its white, it washes AND it says TAKE HOME TODAY........ but we do not have that one in stock.........

I think the people in the next shop could see the steam coming from me ears......lol

Breathe in....... Breathe out....... how I didnt grab her head and smash it against the fridgefreezer that was behind her I DONT KNOW........ so, why is that big TAKE HOME TODAY STICKER on it then? and the little advertising display about TAKING IT HOME TODAY plastered all over it? aye? aye?........ can you tell, I have been up to me eyes in 3 weeks worth of dirty washing from 4 sons lol......plus 3 weeks worth of changed bedding.....

So I peel the sticker off the machine and carefully take down the advertising display and hand them to the woman and say......... you can TAKE THAT HOME TODAY........smiling sweetly....... she just blank stared at me....... I think she knew it was more then her lifes was worth to question me lol.......

So I walk along the line of about 40-50 washing machines...... she is scurrying along behind me, mumbling things about which each machine does or doesnt do......... so I turn round and say........ does this machine here - pointing - have an integral MP3 player with video option and double scart plugs........ if you bare with me she said, I will find out.......... I REST ME CASE.......ya pay peanuts ya get monkeys.......



This is me old machine, well I say old, it actually was only 2 years old......

Im an easy shopper when it comes to white goods........ I had only 4 musts....... It MUST be eco friendly - it MUST be white - it MUST be a 7kg-8kg load - it MUST wash :)...... see how easy I am....... so I pick one and am told that it will be delivered the following Monday...... which was YESTERDAY......wooooooo hooooooooo and it did arrive and the bloke did take out me old one and he did plumb in the new one, but he couldnt be bribed with biscuits, sex or coffee to stay and do the 15 loads of washing that sat in a pile about 10 foot high....... tosser........



This is me new machine....... already on its 10 wash LOL...... just have all the bedding over the last 3 weeks to wash, thats 3 x 5 duvets plus 3 x 5 sheets and pillowcases LOL.....

At least he didnt get in a pickle like I did just 2 years ago when me broken machine was new and I had no one but me to plumb it in....... let me explain......... and you must believe me that every single word I am now going to type is the gods honest truth..... not one word of a lie........ I do not know why these things happen to me...... maybe its cos, I just have a go at stuff, sometimes without thinking it through proper LOL..... just sometimes, it would be nice to have a handy man around the place......

Let me explain..... about 2 years ago when the machine that has just died on me was brand spanking new, and was delivered with no installation blokie..... I thought..... well, how difficult can it be to swap over and plumb in the new machine...... its not like I had to cut pipes or stuff, cos surely it was just a straight forward swap over...... right?..... a doddle right?....... yep, I can do this...... surely its just unscrewing the red and blue water pipe thingies from the pipes on the wall, ya know, the ones that connect to the washing machine......

So I pull out the machine as best I can, which was a tad difficult cos its hard up against the dishwasher....... anyways, I wiggle it little by little out of the gap until I can squeeze behind and gain access to all the pipework....... jebus it was dusty behind there.... and I found a half chewed frog and crisps packets and 2 spoons, the head of an action man and 50p.......oh and a bouncy ball...

Ok, what you have to understand is that I dont have many 'man tools' in me house, but I did find a wrench thing under the sink that I could adjust to fit the screw thing on the pipes........ So I slowly began to unscrew the thing from the water pipes....... feeling well proud :)......

What I failed to realise and what no one told me (cos there was no one around lol) was that........ first of all, you have to disconnect the machine from the electric supply AND it is wise to actually turn the water supply off........ HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSE TO KNOW THAT..... I aint a bleedin plumber you know.....

So, as the screw thing loosened the water pressure shot the last bit undone and the water was squirting at such great force out of the pipes..... the pressure was so great it shoved me head back where it squirted me in the face...... holy shit...... what to do, what to do....... the water was squirting out so fast I was already drenched..... its like someone had turned the taps on full and had put a thumb over the end for added fun.........

Im semi stuck behind the washing machine under the counter and the kitchen floor is slowing flooding....... the water is squirting all over the plug sockets at the back of the machines........ which by the way was all still turned on lol...... they started to buzz and crackle and make well strange noises lol.......

Oh, bloody hell, now, I do know that water and electric are not a really good combination and water is a great conductor, cos Ive seen it on the telly, where someone is in the bath and the evil person throws an electrical appliance in the bath and frazzles the person whilst in mid sponging......

So I clamber out of the space soaking wet as the kitchen lights start to flicker and a burning smell is coming from the washing machine...... so I semi leap, well scuttle up onto the kitchen counter out of the water, my heart was pounding by now, cos I thought I was going to be electricuted.....the water is still gushing out up the back wall, all over the sockets........ everything was making a buzzing noise, by now I was a tad scared.... and as I was standing on the kitchen work top above the machine, I thought it best to leap across the gap to the other counter where the cooker is situation, that way I was not near the machine that was buzzing and I thought was gonna catch on fire........

Ok, what you have to understand is that I aint as agile as I use to be or as me minds eye thought I was.....remember this was 2 years ago before me knee was to dodgy..... so as I sort of stepped/jumped across the 3-4 foot gap to the other counter I sort of only just made it, so I grabbed the oven extractor hood that is screwed to the wall above me cooker hob - now what you have to understand is that its an extractor fan that I actually installed..... the problem being its only held on with 2 screws and not the 4 that its suppose to be screwed to the wall with, cos I couldnt actually find 4 screws when I put it up and thought that 2 screws would be enough....... how was I to know that now was the time that it could of done with having 4 screws, cos as I grabbed it, it pulled away from the wall and as I was hanging on to it for dear life it pulls the tiles off the wall behind it...... oh but such luck..... at least I was still on the kitchen counter...... just..... with that the electric blew in me house, and the lights went off and the radio in me kitchen, it made a sort of popping noise, like when a car back fires.......



This is where the tiles are still missing, and you can just see the edge of the new extractor cooker fan :)....

My cat ambrose comes walking through the water at this moment and afraid for her safety I throw (from the kitchen counter where I was sitting) the wrench/spanner thing at her, well not at her, but in her direction, to try and scare her out the back door, I thought she was gonna get frazzle in the what I now thought was electrified flood water in me kitchen...... all the time the water is still squirting at great force out of the water pipes behind the washing machine....... thankfully the wrench missed Ambrose me cat, BUT went through the bottom payne of glass in the inner door to the back porch......... shit......



This is where the glass is still missing, its actually still missing cos Im scared that if I try and chip out the old bits of glass and take the edging off, that I will probably break the rest of the panels or have the bleedin door off its hinges...... wow look at the state of the back boot room porch floor...... lol

So there I sat....... washing machine squirting water everywhere, me kitchen flooded, the extractor cooker hood hanging off the wall just by the air pipe thing that goes out a hole in the wall, me tiles all over me cooker hood, a broken sheet of glass where the wrench had smashed through it, all electrics blown...... to scared to move...... lol........ ok ok its well funny now when I think back, but 2 years ago, me attempt at washing machne plumbing skills didnt seem so funny.......

I sat there for about 10 minutes, water will pumping out the pipe in the wall, when I hear me front door knock..... so I shout as loud as I can....... ROUND THE BACK, COME ROUND THE BACK....... I shouted so loud that me face went red lol..... I heard the back gate open and saw Andy me neighbour 2 doors along walk pass the back kitchen window........ he came through the open back door with words of....... WHAT THE F*CK IS HAPPENING HERE...... he paddles through the water and takes one look at me perched on the kitchen counter, with the devastation all around...... and I just say...... I was trying to save money and plumb me machine in......... with that, the bastard..... just burst out laffing and laffing and laffing...... now thats not nice..... I was so close to tears LOL....... with that he disappears with words of STAY THERE MEL, and within 4 or so minutes the water stops pouring out the pipes and all becomes quiet....... he comes back around the back where by now I have ventured down into the flooded kitchen floor........ he had turned the water off in the street outside me house.....

He explained that there had been a powercut along the terrace and had come to see if our house also had a cut or if it was just his house and further along...... he also said, that now he could see why the whole street had lost its power LMFAO...... and that didnt I know that I should of turned the water tap outside in the street off, when plumbing in the machine, so that the water coming into the house was disconnected, and that I should of also turned the electrics off to the washing machine........ WELL, HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSE TO KNOW THAT......

So, I had me first and last attempt at plumbing that day 2 years ago..... that is why I left this new machine to the experts.......... but....... its always worth having a go at new things dont you think.........

And to this day, the little payne of glass is still not replaced and there is still one and a half tiles missing from just to the left of the cooker extractor fan...... I leave these as a reminded of that day....... I aint a dinlo ya know lol

Anyways, me washing machine has been going since 10.30 yesterday morning and still the back log of washing is yet to be finished........

So, if anyone has any little odd jobs around the house they would like me to 'have a go at' I wont charge :).....

I must tell you about the time 18 months ago when I replaced me gas cooker, now that was dangerous LMFAO.......

Way to much Twaddle this Tuesday morning........x

Me Memories Are Stacked On The Shelves Of Me Mind - They Just Need A Nudge...

Ok........... those of you that have read me blob or actually really know me are probably aware that my head is filled with 49 something years of memories, good and bad, and they are stacked in my mind like old books in a bookshop, forgotten about until someone or something walks by and nudges the bookcase and they tumble out to fall on the floor to be remembered again....

And some of you might know enough about me that sometimes it takes certain coincidences through out the day to all converge and knock the bookcase to reveal its secrets within......

So, yesterday was one of those days, but the final nudge didnt come until last evening when I got an email from a special matie.......and then me head was overflowing with a certain memory...... I wonder what me matie Wendy(PT) would make of the insane way my mind works LOL

Soooooo yesterday was so very very busy, I was rushing around until 2pm like a blue arsed fly.... Im not suppose to be rushing around so much cos of me gimpy knee, but to hell with it lol......

My best matie Sharon's hubby Mark is a fireman...... he works out of Knightsbridge in London, so he commutes etc.... they moved down here from London a few years back but he didnt wanna transfer so hence he has to travel and stay over etc..... anyways..... he was 40 yesterday and me matie booked a surprise 3 day long weekend trip to Prague for them both, and next weekend there is a big BBQ party for him.... anyways.... I digress as usual lol...... Mark thinks the plug overload situation in my house is mental and he worries, so yesterday he got me 2 MORE smoke alarms from work.... well good ones, those 10 year ones cos he knows I forget to replace batteries........ I didnt like to actually tell Mark that the other 2 alarms (so that now makes 4) are still sat in their boxes on the bottom of me stairs lol

So Mark the fireman was the beginning of the nudge, but as yet I was unaware....

I had just an hour at home yesterday with the nippers before I had to begin the pre-school and school run, so Scabbie Jack asked for the box of Happyland Fire Station and Firemen out to play with.......



This is some of the bits and bobs that Scabbie Jack and Sprite were playing with.....

So, the toys were the second part of the nudge.....at this point I was still unaware of the memory that would be knocked into today.....

Anyways, last evening I opened a dear dear maties email where he said he had been up a 'ladder' all afternoon sorting out lightbulbs etc...... and thats when it hit me....... just reading that one single word nudged everything else into a line and opened the page of a memory from when I was 9 or 10.......



In me email back to me matie, I said that I dont do ladders, that I can climb up halfway and then I cant go up or down and Im stuck lol...... I explained that the following reason MIGHT be the cause of me ladder phobia, but who knows..... lol

Ya see, when I was about 9-10 years old..... I remember playing in the back garden with me older brother, he was 2 years older then me, we was lobbing a tennis ball to each other and against the back of the house...... which after a while became well boring, so we thought that he we lobbed it up onto the roof it would be fun to try and catch it and cos we couldnt see where it would roll or bounce off, it would be less boring......you must remember that the roof was 2 floors up and well high to a 9 year old.....

Well one of me lobs didnt see the ball come down, it had got stuck in the gutter, way up high.... me mum came out to see what all the laffing was about, but she was NOT a happy bunny.... she went mad, saying that the ball would block the gutter and that when it rained all the water would flood over the edge instead of flowing down the drainpipe - I remember thinking back then.......yeah and so???

So when me dad came home, me mum told him what 'I' had done..... he was very calm.... which in its self made me uneasy......he went next door and borrowed a real big ladder from Mr Earl.... and put it up at the front of the house..... I ventured to tell him that the ball was stuck in the back gutter of the house, to which he replied that the ladder would squash me mums flowers if he put the ladder up the back - which I again remember thinking...... but the flower border is against the house and its only about a foot wide...... I think it was just an excuse if you ask me...... if he had put the ladder up the back, the ball would of been easy to hook out of the gutter...... little did I know what was to happen next :(

You still with me LOL

After putting the ladder up against the front of the house, which only just reached the gutter 2 floors up, he turned to me and said 'right up you go'.... blank stare from me....he told me I had to clamber up the ladder and front slope of the house (remembering that we had flat slates back then with no grip) over the ridge and slide down the back slope to the gutter and get the ball out......

Jebus, how dangerous, I cant imagine tellin a child to do that..... I cant imagine even asking an adult to do something so dangerous......

But up I went, I had no choice..... I knew if I didnt, then I would be in for a leathering...... me head kept repeating..... ok I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.......... I got almost to the top of the ladder when me dad started to wobble the ladder and was laffing..... that in itself aint nice lol - I remember all this clearly as if it was yesterday..... my mind when nudge is crystal clear like a film being played on the screen....

I did climb onto the roof and slowly clambered up the steep slope to the very top where the chimney was...... I remember sitting on the top ridge with me legs either side and looking down and thinking how high it was and if I fell then I would slide down the roof and fall off into the garden 2 floors below.......so I sat on the top ridge and just froze LOL - I remember holding onto the chimney, the side where the telly aerial was, and no amount of shouting from down below or threats or swear words would budge me lol - I couldnt even slide down to where the ladder was.... I just couldnt move.....

I remember still being up there when the ice-cream van came and as it was getting dark lol.....I remember me teeth chattering where I was cold or scared...... I remember me mum and dad shouting things like....... YOU ARE EMBARRASING US now get down...... and threats of what they would do to me........



This is me with me younger brother, when I was 9-10.... see the houses and how high the roofs were lol the brown brick house in the top right corner is where that spoilt Martin Bennyworth lived lol - my sisters boyfriend (later to become her hubby) took this photo on his new posh camera...... one of the only photos outside of school of me smiling lol

No one had phones in their houses back in those days, not even Martin Bennyworth the spoilt kid lol.......... eventually a neighbour ran down to the shops where there was a phone box and rang the fire bridgade....... I remember this fire engine coming down our close and thinking, I wonder whos house was on fire LOL.......... they put their hydrolic ladder up to the roof and still I refused to let go of the chimney lol......



It would of been a fire engine a little like this one but with a cherry picker on the end of the ladder....

I remember as if yesterday the big smile of the firemans face as he held out his arms to me....... I still wouldnt budge lol......they had to make the ladder with the little cherry picker on the end go as high as the chimney where the fireman just reach over and grabbed me and lifted me in........

Ya still with me? are you mad or what? lol



This is also a photo of me at 9-10 - a school photo....... how could anyone abuse a child, especially such a cute kid LOL...

I also remember my parents telling the fireman with the yellow hat that I was always naughty and that I would be punished for climbing onto the roof.........they didnt mention that they made me climb the ladder to get the ball, they could of put the ladder up the back and I could of just reached the ball..........they didnt mention that I had no choice in the matter and that I was not actually naughty.... I truely was not a naughty kid.......

So punished I was... 2 days in the cupboard under the stairs LOL........I didnt mind, I had me book.....2 days sharing the cupboard with all the coats and the hoover and the tins of old paint........ I think I was only suppose to be there one day but they forgot I was in there and I slept on the coats LOL............it would of been more then me lifes worth to of opened the door and peeped out..... but I had a stash of books hidden in that little cupboard, I seemed to spent a lot of time in it as a child LMFAO....I didnt actually mind being in the cupboard, it was safe, but when they found I had books to read, they took out the lightbulb, that is when me fear for the cupboard evolved.... so I was punished for doing nothing more then obeying me parents cruel dangerous orders......

So I dont do ladders, and that is probably the reason why...... I should put it past PT lol....... but she might get me sectioned under some mental health act and shove me in some cupboard under some stairs somewhere........

This is no more then just a memory, stacked upon the shelves of me mind..

It was what it was.... at the time....... no more...... and no less......

Ok way way to much twaddling on this wet wet horrendous soaking Friday.....

x

life aye........

It Was An Honest Mistake......... Dont Look At Me Like That..

Ok............ I dont know where it began, this fasination with Mooses...... not the chocolate or strawberry mooses but the right proper 4 legged moose.....all I know is that this fasination has been within me for many years now...... and one day I will fulfill me dream and actually see a real live one for meself.....not a photo, but up close and for real.....

The moose is the most wanted animal I would like to see before I die........there is no question in me mind when me maties take the piss out of me about it, that Im dead sure that one day I will get to see a real moose......

Well, anyways, me matie Rich who lives in Alaska knows how much I just so love Mooses, and of course him being up where the Mooses live said he would send me a photo of a real one, one where he had got real close and was himself in the photo...... so I waited and waited, and was real excited, thinking maybe it will be a picture of one in his back garden or sitting out on his front lawn, or sticking its sweet little head in his kitchen window....... well was I in for a bloody shock........... he thought this was dead funny........ can you see me laffing....... cos I aint........ me dear matie Rich only sent me a photo of him kneeing next to a real moose, yeah right, but one he had just hunted :( - it was a dead one, it made me well sad...... it was huge...... and the photo he sent just wont load onto flickr cos it says its to big....

oh very funny right? I will just say in his defence that he is a great big softie animal lover and uses the meat when he hunts...no bits goes to waste... now I wonder if 'love me, love me moose shanks' has the same meaning lol

Now, how I would LOVE a set of them moose horns/antlers..... to hang on me kitchen beams along with pride of place COWIE that me dear matie Starr sent me and me collection of other skulls, oh and me deer antlers....

You probably know by now that I go alot by the signs that Im given...... and last year it was my turn to have the free toy in the cereal box...... and, Im telling you straight up, that its a sign...... cos this is what I got, but not only one but 2 yes 2 in the same box..... now you tell me that aint no sign, cos I wont believe ya....



This is me cheap tackie plastic little nodding moose from me cereal.... I know it aint much but I LOVES this little nodding moose.... well all 2 of em....

Anyways, Rich said Alaska is full of tackie soveigners of different moose things, and shortly after the emailed photo, a little parcel arrived from Alaska...... it was way to small to be some moose horns, and the label read 'real tackie moose stuff' lol....... it sat on me dresser for a few days, it was the first parcel I had ever gotten from Alaska and to be honest I was a little scared to open it, cos me matie has a right proper strange sense of humour......... but open it we did....... and it was packed full of wonderful moosie things...... thick snuggly alaskan socks with mooses on, they was well nice.......... and these really naff but oh so precious moosie soveigners LOL......



They sit upon the top of me dresser which is filled with me treasures lol....special things that maties send me, and precious things me lads have picked out for me over the years of growing up, right proper tackie rubbish that is so precious I cant part with lol.....

Also in the parcel was some Alaskan chocolate bars and sweeties and tins of mints.... one tin of which is still in me car cos they are well hot and will take years for us to eat lol.....

We all tried bits and bobs of the sweeties and chocolate bars, they was quite scrummie......

And in amongst all the Alaskan tourist magazines and leaflets that me matie had inclosed in the parcel was these.......



oh my, oh my, chocolate truffles, oh how I love chocolate truffles.........I quickly unscrewed the lid to find there was only 3 little truffles in the jar...... thats ok, I would share them with my Sam and Jacob when Ben and Tom were not around..... me lads I thought were well sweet, cos they took one look at the little chocolate truffles and said, its ok mum, you can have them, we will have the other chocolate bars......

So I began to nibble the first one...... it tasted not like any chocolate I had ever tasted before...... it had like a fibre texture, but I thought, maybe it was proper Alaskan stuff....... so I nibbled some more...... it was not really to me liking and it was actually making me gag a little..... so I put the un-nibbled half back in the jar with the other 2 truffles and thought maybe me other lads would like them..... I needed 2 mugs of tea to take the horrible taste away........

Anyways, me matie rang up the following week from Alaska to see if I had liked all the tackie contents of the parcel, so I told him that it was all so lovely, especially the socks but I dont think I liked the truffles........ so Rich says....... what truffles?...... so I say the three little chocolate truffles in the little black topped jar........ with that, all I could hear down the phone was uncontrollable laffing and choking sounds........ it took about 4 minutes before me matie could speak........

Mel he said, please please dont tell me you ate what was in the jar........ well I said, to be honest with you I ate just half of one cos the taste was making me gag.......... Shrieks of laffing coming down the phone........ what? I say, what?........

Mel, mel, mel he kept repeating me name like some loon........ they were NOT chocolate truffles...... they werent? I said........... Mel they was real proper moose poos...........

Jebus jebus JEBUS......... your joking right...... I said, your just kidding me ya daft sod........ I swear not, he said.......... read the label.......

GOURMET POOPON MOOSETURD - High in natural fiber with a True Outdoor Flavor - Keep out of reach of children - XCV The Unlimited, Alaska......

IT WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE....... I had officially eaten a real moose poo..........and I DONT DO POO.......... gawds sake....... he never ever let me live it down lol........

Then a few short weeks ago, yet another wonderful parcel arrived from the states, but not from alaska but from Maine...... in it it was this......



Not the car ya dinlos but the yellow thing stuck on the back windscreen...

Its what you doodles call a 'bumper sticker' but I have stuck it on me back windscreen :)........ me maties here keep laffing at it...... and saying stupid things like....... is that sticker on about a chocolate moose..... or a strawberry moose, and when have you ever seen a chocolate moose on the road that you need to brake for......... bloody peasants some of me friends here....... they just dont understand...... dam chavs LOL.......

It reads - Brake for Moose, It Could Save Your Life...

I LOVE this sticker and like the screaming baby in the back of me car, it has become me trademark LOL........ EVERYONE knows my car........ thanks especially to me moose sticker....... ((((((moose sticker matie that sent it))))))) you so made me smile........

More then enuff poo Twaddle for a wet dark Monday night......

No Bonking For George - And No Night of Passion For Brenda.....

Ok............ I dont know if anyone remembers back at the end of March, when I was so excited when George and Brenda came to live with us....... well, George is no longer with us, he died in the early hours of Tuesday morning..... of what, we aint to sure.....and dont say 'shortage of breath' lol



This was George back in March..... we got him and Brenda when they was about 6 weeks old.... as cute at buttons they was.......



This is George today, laying in a chinky take-away plastic container.... he dont look to well does he? nope...... ya know why? cos he is actually dead.......

Ya see Brenda and George settled into our home real quick, they loved us, and we would get them out every day........and they had very healthy appetites......

But ya see....... it must be this house and midgets....... cos Brenda grew and grew and grew and George grew and stopped...... Brenda is well big now and just ripe for breeding...... and we would look at little midget George and wonder how the bloody hell he would be able to bonk Brenda cos she is HUGE compared to George....... but I suppose like in human life, they would of maybe looked up Page 37 of the Karma Sutra and worked out a good position LOL



This is Brenda she is a bit of a big girl and as healthy and ripe for the taking.......



See Brenda's flakie ear, she has just shed her skin again today....... poor George was not even half the size of her......

About a week ago, my Tom said that George was not well...... he was eating not to good and was a bit slow when picked up....... I said that maybe he had a migraine or had just had a busy day....... but Tom just blank stared at me like I was a retarded loon......

George got weaker as the week went on and upon ringing the vet I was met with......not a lot one can do for a sick chamelion...... bloody tosser vet...... so we went on line and typed in sick chamelions and hunted for a reason other then a migraine as to why George was poorly....... and then When Tom got up Tuesday morning, George was just laying on the floor the top of the mud with his little legs in the air......

I ummmm'd and arrrr'd as to try and give him the kiss of life, like I did once to me stick insect..... but seeing as how I only managed to blow me stick insect up like a little balloon and explode it, I thought that maybe George should not go through that trama.......

So George is laying in this chinky take-away carton while we decide what is to become of him....... I think the little skull might be to tiny to try and keep....... he is well dried out today and very stiff...... maybe I could dig a little hole in the end of his tail and wear him with pride around me neck on a chain......

Hang on a cotton pickin minute.......... I know what I will do with George...... I think I will send him to MrFab, cos he likes that sort of thing :).......

We will miss George, he had become an important member of this family...... and now Brenda is all ripe and needing a bonk and selfish George goes and bloody dies on her...... oh well.....

RIP GEORGE...... we loved you whilst you was here......

Also today we grieve the sad loss of 'Floats' he/she is one of our little Pearlscale fish that we have in our fishtank....... he/she has been acting strange this pass few days...... sort of hanging upside down in the water with its tail on the surface and its face pointing straight down...... Ive had to give it a poke many a time throughout the past couple of days.... and it would swim off for a little while...... only for me to find it doing the same 'play dead trick' again and again..... well about an hour ago, I poked it and it sank to the bottom lol...... and then when it came to the surface, I realised by its bulging eyes that maybe this time the 'play dead trick' was for real.......



This is Floats after I got him out the tank with a jam jar, I have him on the side in the kitchen, just incase he is really just 'playing dead'....

RIP Floats, I will miss poking you.....

Enough death Twaddle for a Thursday........

x

Bloody Maties and Teddy Bloody Thompson.....

Ok......... about 3 weeks ago, I noticed in our local newspaper that Rufus Wainwright would be playing at our Guildhall....... I would of liked to of seen him live, even though he has a weird mouth and I dont actually like looking at him when he sings......

So, I asked me best maties if they or one of them would come with me...... and they all fell on the floor laffing..........

'WHAT, after what happened the last time you went to see someone live - I DONT think so' ..... thats what I was met with...... charming right.......

What you have to understand is that me maties and me have such different tastes in music......... me matie Ann is still stuck in the bloody Tom Jones age LMFAO...... and she did go a bit mental when an X friend of mine in the states got me Toms Autograph lol...... she would of died to of had his autograph signed personally to her....... and me other matie Sharon dont even listen to music and black Michele well, she still likes David Bloody Essex LOL........ ya see...... if ya look at me profile you will see the types of music that I love..... and me maties aint never heard of any of them......... dam peasants that they are......each one of them had an excuse.....

Anyways....... they was holding their sides laffing and saying ..... nope, no way, you have to be kidding........ go on your own saddo....... so you can see what I am up against......

This behaviour from me maties all stems from last year, last September to be exact.......ya see, a matie had sent me a Teddy Thompson CD and I instantly fell in love with it....... and low and behold when I checked the listings of who would be playing at The Wedgewood Rooms in town during Sept/Oct 06 there in front of me eyes was the name TEDDY THOMPSON....... it was a sign, it was meant to be......

So, I asked me maties if they would come with me...... nope they said, aint never heard of him.....you and your strange music..... I kept on and on for over a week, ya know, doing the poor me bit......... its ok, dont worry, I'll go on me own like some saddo and sit in the corner and just twinge on me own..... dont worry about me will ya.........

Until, eventually, me matie Ann shouted real loud.....ok OK I'll go with you, if only to shut you the bloody hell up...... now shut up and I dont wanna hear another thing about this bloke...... WooooooHoooooooo I had beaten them down LOL....... round one to me :)

So I ordered 2 tickets on line and we was to pick them up on the door, me matie actually paid for them cos she found out that it was me birthday and so she treated me..... ya see, no one knows when its me birthday, I dont do fuss ya see........ anyways all was good, I was mega chufted, and I let me matie borrow me Teddy Thompson CD so that she could get use to the music and maybe sing along like I know I would be doing lol

So Thursday comes along and Im well excited lol.....I pick Ann up at 7pm cos I thought it started at 8pm and I wanted to be one of the first in to get near the front (saddo that I am)- it was to be a very private evening with only about 120 people and a low stage ....with little tables and candles.......

ok.... daft bit of detail........ me wild hair had got a bit out of hand over the past few weeks and I hadnt had time to get it cut, actually I also couldnt be arsed lol ........so.... during the Thursday morning with me gathering of nippers I went round me maties Anns house for a coffee, she took one look at me wild hair and said
SIT... Im gonna give ya a haircut LMFAO....... ok I have this thing about hair, that whatever happens it will always grow, so over the years me maties have cut me hair in all sorts of dumb ways lol BUT IT GROWS RIGHT?...... so I grab a chair and the only scissors we could find was the kitchen scissors lol and a hairbrush, so armed
with no more then those two items she proceeds to snip away....jebus we giggled and giggled.... snip snip...... so I says..... this hairdressers is nice have you worked here long LMFAO....me matie then tells me she aint never cut hair before and to SIT BLOODY STILL lmfao......I said, keep the length, she said, TO LATE lmfao......but it grows right? so I got a free haircut and a morning of laffing so much my ribs ached lol

Anyways back to Teddy.......

So we get there early and the bloody doors aint even open, so we toddle next door to The Wedge which is sort of Part of the Wedgewood Rooms... its a pub come coffee house place..... and we sit and watch people come and go..... some well freaky people came in and she said........ yep they are probably YOUR PEOPLE lol.....just before 8pm we notice what we thought was a queue beginning outside the doors to
the Venue....these doors are just a double woodern door, nowt posh ..... so Ann shoots up and says you finish ya drink I WILL GET IN THE BLOODY QUEUE..... hahahahahah...... so I finish up and go outside..... there is one strange looking couple infront of us *ok giggling just typing this*..... you must understand me matie Ann... we have been mates for years and years she is originally from London and we both have the same sick sense of humour and anyone listening how we interact with each other would think we hated each other lol......so we stand there and a few others join the queue (15 people to be exact) ..... I says oh its getting busy lmfao and she quips back..... this is england they have seen a queue and they join it, they probably think its a bloody soup kitchen lol...... anyways the doors open and the security and bouncers stand there.... the first couple hand over their tickets.....well we didnt have tickets cos I ordered them on the internet..... the bloke says 'ya pick ya tickets up over there' and points to a little window.... to which I say to Ann jokingly.....'dont let anyone in if it looks like they are going in before us just rugby tackle them lol.... the security bloke was well laffing and he laffed even harder when me matie stood with her arms open with the people behind her saying........sorry but you dont know what we have ALL had to put up with HER over there and seeing Teddy.... you aint going before us LOL...... it was just
sooooooo funny..... and the people behind us just laffed and waited.......

Doubt you have read this far...... but what the heck.

So in we go.... little tables with candles everywhere so Ann plonks us right in the front dead centre in front of the mics, so that Teddy would be about 6ft from us :)..... it was all very very sort of homely and lovely........

Well his sister comes on first and does a few numbers, amazing bloody voice and then in toddles Teddy...... and starts his stuff.... obviously a tad nervous cos of the closeness of the venue ..... so this couple on the table next to us is snapping pics like there is no tomorrow..... so me matie (already has nicked the posters from the
bar so that we could get Teddy to sign them later) picks up me camera and inbetween songs when Teddy was just chatting away....and I mean chatting like he was round ya house for a cuppa tea..... she says, hey Teddy smile for me matie will ya and with that she snaps a picture....... and he says..... in rather a rude way...... DONT do
that its real annoying...... she says, I beg your pardon, and gives him the evil eye- I think I need a word with you after about your manners lol its them next table snapping away..... so for the rest of the evening she had a right proper 'monk on' lmfao.....



I LOVED every sec he sang, every word me mumbled..... I sang along....... me matie was giggling so hard..... and kept whispering..... hes crap, me mumbles, AND HE IS RUDE lol..... talk about a bee in her bonnet lol......

Anyways after the gig and him coming back on about 3 times its all nice and cosy, off him and his sister toddle....... well he has apparently played at The Wedge at the beginning of the year and he comes out and chats more etc........ but only the sister comes out to pack up the equipment and chat to us, so me matie said... wheres
Teddy ..... and she said......... I think he is scared of you lmfao.......hahahhaha she was lovely and signed the stolen posters...... but he wouldnt come out lol TOSSER lol

But I/We had the most wonderful evening....... even though me matie dont like my sort of music........ how lovely that she came with me so that I wouldnt be no saddo lol......

So I never got to see Rufus..... but thats ok, there is always next year lol....

Sorry, enough to bore ya to sleep for a Sunday evening......

All Cos Of 30 Pence........

Ok.......... First thing I have to make clear, I aint no snob....... Im so far from being a snob that its scarey........ I was bought up, for the first 13 years of me life on one of the roughest council estates in the south of England..... I cant be a snob...... apart from the fact that we actually had flowers in our front garden and no 'jacked up cars' LOL...... thats besides the point........

I like people for people and not for what level in society they find themselves in...... I just need to clear that up, before I post whats in me head.....

So, this week me washing machine stopped pumping the water away..... so me brain says...... ring Graham the washing machine man and he will come sort it out..... but first I thought it best to get the wet washing out, so it would be easier for when he came round...... well someone should of told me that if ya try and open the front loader that is full of washing and water and is continuing to fill up, that once you open the door then 4 or so gallons of water will come whooshing out all over ya feet and the floor LOL....... well thats what I did, opened the door and whoooosh....... all over me kitchen floor, me and Jacob was running around for the second time this week screaming and laffing and grabbing towels....... ya see....... a few days ago I flooded me kitchen in about 1 1/2 inches of water, when I left the tap in the sink running and went to answer the phone and was chatting away for 20 minutes, when I hear WTF and ran to the kitchen to find a flood...... so as you can tell I am use to water flooding me kitchen.......Im sure its a sign, cos we was taking the mickey out of the flooded northerners..... signs its all in the signs.....



This is the flood, all the yuck from under all the appliances came flooding out lol even a half chewed dried up frog, which fat cat grabbed like a piece of that dried up jerky doodle munch on.....and he ran off down the garden with his treat...



This is my jacob almost at the end of mopping lol.......

Anyways.......Graham couldnt fix me machine cos 30p worth or change from me lads pockets had jammed the pump which in turn had caught fire which in turn had put a strain on the rest of the motor and had burnt out the onboard muvverboard computer....... Graham was supprised I hadnt caught the house on fire....... :)....... so I said with all the water that Ive flooded the kitchen this week, it would of been easy to put out lol......... he just shook his head......this machine is only 2 or so years old, and the plumbing in of that is another story LMFAO...

So, imagine this........ 4 sons........ two 5 foot piles of washing including bedding from 5 beds..... and NO washing machine.........

I know, I will ring me matie Ann and she will let me use her washing machine....... so I rings and explains....... and she laffs and says........... Im not going to let you use me washing machine because you NEED to experience the 'Laundrette' first hand.......... so I says........ dont be daft, I dont DO Daisy Dampwashes(me name for laundrettes)....... then she said, today will be a first........... but, I say, strange people are known to frequent those places....... you see its sort of a mean standing joke here that only the 'weirdos' dont own a washing machine and spend afternoon upon afternoon in the laundrette....... rocking back and forth and mumbling to themselves.....

Please remember I aint a snob lol.......

So, I thought, sod it, sod Ann, I'll go to the Daisy Damp Wash....... she said....... make sure you have plenty of change for the machines, your own washing powder and fabric conditioner....... dont brush your hair, have a fag hanging out of your mouth and shove ya washing in black bin bags..... you will fit right in LOL....... OH SHE THOUGHT THIS WAS SOOOOOO FUNNY.......

I mean, its only a laundrette right, and normal people must go there to right, cos I mean, Im normal and I have to go there today to experience the other side of life......

So I shove Sprite in me car with the BIGGEST OF BIGGEST bags with at least 4 washing loads in...... its up the road about 2 miles, and when I get there its tipping it down and I shove Sprite in the buggy, hang me bag with me money, me book, Sprites dinner and a drink on the handle of the baby buggy and then try to carry the HUGE bag of washing whilst pushing the buggy with one hand........ it was not a good sight lol.....



This is the said Daisy DampWash, snapped on our way home from trampolining last night, I made Jacob and Aimie get out the car and take the photo, they blank stared at me...... it was to much to explain lol....

Ding, I open the door to the laundrette, well if you have seen the film Deliverence, you will know what I was met with........ there's me, pushing the door open with me bum dragging the buggy and heaving the washing..... as I get in the Daisy Damp Wash....... its dead silence, and 8 heads turn and blank stare at me....... just staring me out....... bleedin freaks....... Im so glad I hadnt brushed me hair, cos at least I sort of fitted in a little.......

Ok, you see, I aint never been in a laundrette before, and as I stood there in human silence with just the whirl of machines humming and spinning, a huge shadow of doubt on my ability to fit into the normal world hit me.......

I had no clue as to what I was doing lol....... so to break the ice and to maybe get a bit of life into the place, I say real loud.......... OK, as you probably realise I have no clue as to what to do, or what machine does what....... so, anyone gonna help me suss out whats what........ blank stares........ come on, you all seem to know the routine...... blank stares......... in me head I have banjo music playing...... so, it looks like Im on me own, I can do this, its just a bloody daisy damp wash, how difficult can it be.......

So I park the buggy away from the freaks and take the first 4 washing machines nearest the door........ ok, I say, why are these machines different, can I just use anyone? or are there different machines for different things....... blank stares........ ok ignore the ignoring freaks suss it out, me head is saying...... so I load the 4 machines and try and find instructions lol....... non....... so I guess....... then look for where to put the powder etc...... shit, I'll have to ask........ ok, you lot *big smile* noticing when they smurked there seemed to be a lack of teeth...... ok, surely someone will tell me where to put the powder..... give me a break will ya......... in the top someone eventually mumbles..... yeah well like I would know that, cos Im short and the machines was well tall lol......

Four machines bubbling away...... time to sit and feed Sprite and enjoy the company of freaks......

I had told me matie that I was taking me book and if anyone tried to talk to me I would just say 'I own me own house, this is a book, do you know what a book is, please leave me alone, I dont belong here' lol I had it all worked out in me head....... some of these freaks were real proper freaks, one bloke stood for 40 minutes in front of the tumble drier watching it go round and round, I sat near the door ready to make a run for it if it turned nasty....... I WAS OUT OF ME DEPTHS.........

Me machines stopped one at a time, so I grab this plastic washing basket thing, it was sooooooo plastic lol I do not think these people would of known what a wicker washing basket was lol......... aint I mean......... so, I grab this basket which was on the bench and start to unload the first machine, when this loud voice says........ THATS MINE....... so I looks around to see this 'freak' not 12 inches from me, repeating, THATS MINE.......oh, I say, well you aint using it at the moment, do you mind if I just unload into it to put we wash in the tumble drier....... BUT ITS MINE she says......... I know, I realise its your, but I wont break it and your machine is still spinning, you see, I didnt bring one, actually I dont even own one...... going for the sympathy vote....... BUT ITS MINE........... deep breath....... ok OK keep me, it dont matter....... smiling sweetly....... so after 4 walks the whole length of the daisy damp wash, transferring me wet washing to a tumble drier and just about to put the money in when the same woman says......... THATS MINE......... I know, I said, thats why I didnt use it.......... NO, she says, THE TUMBLE DRIER IS MINE.......... now, as far as I could work out, one is not allow to bag a machine when its empty........ and now hot and steamed up, I says........ well Im right sorry but your machine aint finished and mine is so, looks like your out of luck...... shove me money in and stare the woman out......jebus this place is well scarey.......

Ding, the door opens, all heads turn yet again....... even mine, shit, Im becoming one of them.....Oh my goodness, a face I knew, I knew the face coming through the door...... it was the woman that lived in the next road to me whos hubby is a taxi owner and does airport runs........ I almost run to her in joy....... the look on me face must of said it all.....she came over and said, what you doing here lol...... so I explained and she well laffed....... safety in numbers right, now there was 2 of us, well and sprite but at one she didnt count...... the woman was there to wash duvets lol..... thank the lord for dirty duvets....... now let the freaks start...... bring it on......

2 1/2 hours later, with me dry washing back in the huge bag, hot and sweaty I head for the door.......... bye, I say...... it was nice meeting you all......... are you here every Tuesday?......... mumbles of, yes its when we get our government benefits....... I say......... ok...... lets make it a date for next Tuesday then....... NOT......

I have never been so pleased to get out a place in me life....... I had visions of being dragged and shoved into the huge tumble drier and the weirdo bloke just standing there watching me go round and round.........

I came home and got on line and ordered a new washing machine, I DONT care that its 400 quid ($800), I would rather find a stream and a rock then to face the Daisy DampWash on a Tuesday........ I wonder what the clientelle would be like on a Thursday...... well, its a thought......

So, cos me lads left 30p in the pockets of their trousers, it cost me 400 quid for a new machine, which will take 1-3 weeks to be delivered, so they are gonna wear dirty clothes cos I aint doing the Daisy Damp Wash no more....... I think I need to start checking trouser pockets......

Ok, sorry, more then enough Twaddle for a 4th of July- oh - HAPPY 4th of JULY you doodles - aint you glad we let you win that one :) or we would never of heard the last of it from ya LOL.......xxxx

Just A Quickie For A Sunday Night.......

Ok......... I dont know if anyone remembers when I got me bird table and the stories back in March....... if ya wanna bovver with reading it then its here ....

At first we didnt get no birds for weeks and weeks, they would just circle the garden, and then slowly but surely the birdtable has now become quite a hive of activity first thing in the morning and during the day we even get 2 collared doves hanging about...... and the little robin is getting quite tame and is almost eating out of me hand, well until Janet gets jealous and comes huffing and strutting up the garden....

So....... me cat Ambrose is always bringing in little birds she has caught, she is always hunting down mices and frogs and bringing them in the house for me as a pressie...... she loves fresh meat....... but sometimes in that quest for freshness, she has retarded moments and even makes me wonder where she get her bleedin ideas from......

She often falls in me twat neighbours little daft pond whilst trying to hook out his goldfish....

Anyways, on Thursday we actually had a break in the weather and the sun shone between the storm clouds, so I shoved the minded after school nippers into the garden, cos they was well getting on me tits.......

When Zoe and Beth come running into the kitchen shouting, Ambrose is being stupid and they was giggling and laffing.......quick Mel quick, come and see.......



This is some of me afterschool mob on Thursday...

So, I hobble out to be confronted by me retard cat Ambrose awaiting fresh meat......



Did Ambrose 'really' think that by sitting on the birdtable that me little tits and me robin and me finches are as daft in the head as what she is.......

I can just see the birds sitting on the fence saying...... oh look its that stupid cat Ambrose..... does she think we was hatched yesterday..... come on maties lets go over to black Patricks garden, I hear they have cake crumbs out today......



Sometimes I dispair at the animals that I surround meself with, cos they AINT BLEEDIN NORMAL...... gawds sake....... do all these lunatic creatures get drawn to me because they sense 'I aint right in the head' or do I just attract like minded lunatics lol.....

Enuff boring Sundee night Twaddling........

x