New Boyfriend Named Ed.... I Think Its Love....

Ok....... with the job I have, I have to have a fully up to date Pediatric First Aid Certificate... which is valid for 3 years, so that means every 3 years I, along with me maties HAVE to attend further updated training.... and so back in February the call came through that it was this year to update.........

The last course we went on was intense and draining but oh my, did we have some laffs during the weeks....... we have to attend a course that was set up by Ofsted, it was for 3 hours every Tuesday evening for 12 weeks..... thats a long evening after having other peoples nippers for almost 10 hours a day......

But I was booked in with me best maties Ann and Sharon, so I KNEW it would be also much fun.......and besides, we have no choice about whether to do it or not lol

We each took it in turns to drive, it was at some centre about 8 miles away, in this really new looking building BUT in the middle of a really rough council estate.... and I aint no snob by any stretch of the imagination...... cos the council estate was the same one I grew up in until I was 14..LOL and me other two maties both being Londoners aint particulary posh themselves lol....... but, now that we have moved out of that circle of jacked up cars in front gardens and snotty nosed kids..... we do tend to joke and laff about the place LOL....

So of course, the first night we was a few minutes late....but we were not the last to arrive..... the person that was giving the training 3 years ago was right proper fun, as were the other 9 people attending..... but ya just DONT know what to expect or who the trainer is going to be or what the people from different jobs were all going to be like...... and us 3 being together are a force to be reckoned with lol....

So...... we eventually find the right building, and waltz late into the classroom, it was only like 3 minutes late, where it goes dead quiet and this real strange looking woman who was the teacher just glared at us..... so to break the ice and the tension...... I says........ oh my, Im so sorry we are late but our car was stoned on that approach road by the bloody thugs that live around here and we had to chase them and when we got back to the car, some theiving little sods had jacked up our car and nicked the wheels off it....... so we had to walk the rest of the way......this is a wellabit rough area.. I says lol.......

This woman, who I presumed to be in her 60s had a dead pan face and just said...I live just across the road...... if you would just take your seats....talk about NO sense of humour.... there actually didnt seem to be much evidence of life in her soul either...... the desks and chairs had been arranged all facing a white board, real formal, so I KNEW we was in for a sticky 12 week ride lol..... we was then arguing who was gonna sit nearest the front lmfao...... and all the time we was laffing, the rest of the boring people were dead quiet and just giving us the evil eye lol....... they made ME have the front seat lol.....

Its so hard to explain on here just what this woman was like........ she was right up her own arse of importance...... and after introductions like at an AA meeting.... she proceeded to tell us what each week would involve... and what topics we would be covering....... well some of these people in the room I most certainly WOULD NOT let loose on a sick or dying person.... talk about thick lol..... talk about dumb, I knew there was no way that some of these weirdos would get to the end of the long course, let alone pass an exam...

The woman talked in the most strangest accent, a mix of Hampshire Farmer Hog, like mine, and a sort of high pitched spazmo accent, which everytime she spoke made me laff inside so much that my whole body would shake and I would turn and look at me maties and found them doing the same.... everytime we looked at each other we got those uncontrolable giggles that we had to try and stifle lol..... and she was one of these people that had DONE everything and had attended EVERYTHING and had saved EVERYONE and had been responsible for countless life saving experiences....... as the weeks progressed we realised that much of it was just bullshit and she was one of those people that just THOUGHT she was important...... cos some of the stories she told about different things were so full of mistakes and contradiction, we just knew most of it was thats she was just one of those people that NEEDED to feel important...... OH WELL, this was gonna be soooooooo much fun lol.......

As, I said, some of these people on this course were not very bright, and just didnt grasp the basic medical knowledge, so it was hard not to say something, but bite our tongues we did..... well for the first few weeks we were model students lmfao.....

It also turned out that the teacher woman, ya know, the up her own bottom one, was no where near in her 60s but she said she was only 48....... 48 my arse lol..... there is NO WAY she was 2 years younger then me.... I would bet me house on it and sell my sons if she was telling the truth....



This is the woman, I dare not put a full faced photo of her up JUST INCASE lol but the funniest thing of all was that her name was Mabel hahahahaha and of course me chicken is called Mabel....oh my the jokes in code that me maties threw around each week was just so funny...... ya had to be there...

She also just kept on and on about different situations she had found herself in..... some were very strange and when questioned a little more indepth, she faultered and quivered with her replies so we know she was making much stuff up to sound like she was more important then she really was........ lol bless her little cotton socks lmfao



This is me matie Anne.... and this is how we spent much of the 3 hours each Tuesday night for 12 weeks...... laffing laffing laffing lol she was laffing at some comment I had just made lol

Also after each topic we covered she would ask if anyone had dealt with someone in a similar situation...... and when someone started to say about themselves she only let them talk for a couple of minutes and then she would interupt and make HER story about her situation even more unbelievable...... by week 4 it was becoming a joke lol........ and when she would ask if anyone had a tale to teill, I muttered, what I thought was under me breathe to me maties....'yeah like she gives a toss' lol she asked me to explain what I was muttering ..... she said all I heard was 'toss' and if I could explain to the group what situation I had found myself in........ well, by then, a few of the group had become quite friendly with us and seemed to be on the same level as us and the same thinking about this weird woman lol....... she made me STAND UP lmfao...... and explain what I had been muttering about lmfao.....

My brain was ticking over cos to be honest I really DIDNT wanna upset this woman, who after all was there to teach us lol....... my brain was whirling and my mind was saying think think Mel think, try and get out of this one LOL....... all the time me maties was laffing behind me lmfao....... so I told her that once my son had 'tossed' a pancake and it had landed on his face and had stuck......... IT WAS A JOKE...... but she picked up the story and went on to tell a much more unbelievable tale that involved her........ well, all I had to do was look across the room at this one bloke called Paul and he just let rip with the loudest belly laff EVER, which started everyone else off and I thought we would be dealing with a heart attack from the teacher woman where she had lost the plot LMFAO.....



This is me best matie Sharon after I had done quite a good job of bandaging her head LMFAO...note the lovely fashion statement with the kung foo look lol... first of I had bandaged her whole head like a mummy from a tomb lmfao.... we got told off LOL



I think my head bandaging was way better then the job someone had done on Ann lol

The evenings were long and boring, or maybe it was because I/we had retained all our old courses and there was not much new to learn.... or maybe it was being in the company of 'not so bright' people.... but laff we most certainly did.... especially when we had the baby dummys to work on....... ya had to shove this thing in its mouth and suss out what to do if it was choking.... well the woman shoved the plastic blockage in this baby dummies throat so hard that it was impossible to get out by the usual methods....... and I lost marks by picking the dummy up by itd leg and swinging it around me head and letting slip so that it hit the wall... she just would NOT have it that the blockage was actually dislodged, oh no, she wasnt interested in that lol....... and Sharon blew in the dummy so hard that she actually blew up the lungs and burst them lmfao...... to funny.....

We also realised that we could get away a little earlier each night IF NO ONE retold tales of incidents they had come across in emergency settings....... so we all made a pact to NOT mention things when she asked us if we had been in difficult situations with people breaking things and such....... EXCEPT........ and, oh my, my maties laffed and laffed and kicked me under the table and gave me those 'kill you if you open your mouth' looks lol.....

Ya see, when we got onto the subject of someone having a fit or a strange turn or an epileptic fit and she asked if anyone had come across this before..... I got such a kick under the table from Ann that I swear I had a bruise.... and she firmly said DONT YOU DARE lol........ ya see, I have this story that happened a few years back when me lads were members of the Navy Cadets and we was as a show with the fieldgun crew in Salisbury...... me maties know the story but they didnt want me to tell it cos we had made this pact about getting home early lol........ but I just couldnt help it....... I wanted to show that I knew what to do in that situation....... so I spoke up to explain what had happened a few years back.....

I told the class that one summer I was at Salsibury with me lads, 3 of which were memebers of the naval cadets and we were there for a fieldgun crew show, Jacob was not very old and I had taken a picnic.... and it was all spread out on a blanket, ya know a well proper picnic, right at the front of the showground so that we could watch the rest of the show whilst having lunch...... there was this man and lady standing next to us, when all of a sudden the bloke sort of fell right into the middle of me picnic knocking things everywhere.... the poor bloke was having some sort of seizure.... oh lordy, why on my picnic blanket lol....... well I do know that one has to make the area safe for the person but to just let them have their seizure, no sticking ones fingers down their throat etc..... so there's this bloke thrashing around ON MY PICNIC BLANKET.... sarnies and cakes and juices EVERYWHERE.... the wifey woman said to me...... we just have to leave him to get on with it, it will be ok......... OK, I said, he is squashing me corned beef sarnies so if you could move him slightly off me picnic we could continue with our lunch..... it was a joke ya know lol....... but when the bloke has stopped his turn, he just got up, brushed himself off and didnt even say fanks for the soft landing.... and as he walked away he had me corned beef sarnies all squashed into the back of his jumper LOL...... we had to go and buy burgers from the BBQ man lmfao........

On the last evening SHE, the woman teacher, bought in all the adult dummys.... well they was just technically a head and body, a person with no arms or legs.... they just lay there. staring, silently begging to be saved LOL........

I was given Ed.... I called him Ed cos thats basically is just what he was.... an Ed (with my hampshire accent we drop the H sound at the beginning of most words so HEAD becomes Ed LOL).... I think it was love at first site with me and Ed, he seemed to understand me, he seemed shy in my presence, cos he sure didnt say much lol



This is Ed, he was quite a kisser LOL and spent a lot of time practising my kissing techniques LOL.... oops sorry, I mean practising mouth to mouth incase I needed to give the kiss of life to someone oneday.....

I think its love.... me and Ed made a great couple, he was easy on the eye LOL and had such kissy lips.... ok so he didnt have arms and legs and he often had breathing difficulties, but he would be dead cheap at christmas, cos all one could buy him would be a hat or a scarf or the odd earing LOL...... yep..... it was love at first blow with me and Ed LOL......



This is Ann and Sharon snogging and heart pumping Eds mates lmfao........

And yes all three of us passed the course with flying colours..... there was only 5 out of 12 of us that passed.... and a few people did fank us for making the past 12 weeks such a fun more enjoyable evening and had me and me maties ever throught about doing a stage show lmfao.......

So I have a certificate to prove that Im fully qualified for the next 3 years....... just jebus help anyone that needs my assistance in a time of emergency LOL....... well, unless they fall on me corned beef sarnies, cos that Im ok with :)

I think ya just had to be on these evenings to appreciate just how much we laffed and laffed and laffed.....

*************

Knee update - had a bad night last night... I tried to do way to much yesterday trying to prove something and nearly came a cropper lol....... but sometimes enough is enough and ya just have to push it a little lol

Way to much Twaddling rubbish for a sunny Tuesday afternoon......

x

Crimpleness Has Its Advantages.....

Ok........ well, just under a fortnight ago me matie knew these 4 walls was driving me into a mental home, so she suggested that just me and her with NO nippers go to our favourite garden centre, just to get me out, and even though I can only hobble short distances, it would be nice and we could have a cuppa tea and a scone in the cafe bit......

I suggested that I actually take MY car.... cos I NEED to get back to driving and seeing as its an automatic, and as long as I could get in and out and sit comfortably then I didnt see a problem :)

Jebus, it was just so funny trying to get in me car lol..... but, get in I did and I drove round to Sharons to pick her up..... and off we went.....

Keydell Garden Centre is only in Horndean and about 8-10 minutes away with my driving..... the huge car park is built on a real steep slope except for the top part near the entrance, but there are not many parking spaces there........ so Sharon suggests cos it was like only me second trip out and I would be a bit wobbly on a slope, that I park in the space allocated to 'crimples'....... no no no I says, cos Im only a part time crimple and there might be a full time crimple that needs the space....... oh shut it she says, there are 3 other places for full time crimples so stop with the old 'giving a dam about others' crap and just park OVER THERE.... and she pointed to a car park space right next to the entrance.....

So I pulls up and we start to gather our bits when someone taps on me side window and nearly gave me a heart attack...... 'oh ere we go' says me matie..... so I put me window down and says......... yes???..... and this bloke says all smug like.... you aint allowed to park here.... so I says, who are you the car park police??.... this space is for blue badge holders only and you dont have one on your windscreen, says the bloke..... well, I says, I do have an I AM 50 BADGE back home, and a BESTEST MUM badge that I could go back home and get if that would make you smile *smiling at him*...... YOU CANT PARK HERE its for the disabled, he says in quite a rude manner....

Do YOU need this space I ask politely?...... no he says, but someone else might.... I says, its Thursday morning and the carpark only has a few cars parked...... look..... there are plenty of spaces, as you can see there are only a handful of cars actually here so what are the chances that all of a sudden there is going to be a mad gathering of crimples all deciding to gather NOW this minute at this garden centre.... there is NOT an average of 3 crimples to every non crimple..... me matie snorted and she started me giggling...... look Sharon says to the bloke, me matie here IS a crimple, whether she has a blue badge for the windscreen or not, she has crutches and cant walk very far and this is only her second trip out SO WE ARE PARKING HERE so I suggest you go hassle that little old lady over there that is breaking into that car... and she points to this dear little old lady that was innocently trying to open her carboot LOL.......

The bloke by now was a bit red faced.......... so, are you going to move or not, he says....... and at the same time me and Sharon say NOT and start to laff LOL...... well we will see about that he says, I will go and complain to the staff.... cos I dont believe you have the right to park here, you are not disabled and I think you are just to lazy to walk up the slope...... HOW I DIDNT DRAG THE BASTARD through the window and poke his eyes out is beyond me lol....ok listen me matie says...... picking up one of me crutches...... see this, this is a crutch.... a walking crutch that is and NOT a crotch.....*giggles*..... this is a walking aid for CRIMPLES..... see my matie here, this crutch belongs to her, well not technically her cos its the property of the hospital but its for her to use all the time she is a CRIMPLE.... so I suggest you bugger off before I hit you over the head with it......

How rude, the blokie says..... right me maties says to me..... GET OUT THE BLOODY CAR and show him that you are a dribbling spazmo crimple will ya for gawds sake, cos help me god I could be up for murder by 10 o'clock.......

So I drag meself out the car, over exagerating me movements and making strange noises.... and I do me little spazmo walk... SEE me matie says...... this here crimple, as you can see it REAL........ do you know what the blokie says LMFAO.... he says, you might just be using them as a prop LMFAO HAHAHAHAHAHAHA well that started me and Sharon laffing so hard that its all I could do to stand up on me dodgy legs lmfao....... Sharon walks up right close to the bloke, about 5 inches from his face and says..... I suggest you bugger off NOW cos I will not be held responsible if my crimple friend beats your head in with her crutch and then whilst you are screaming on the floor, I will also not be responsible for stomping on your head, and then YOU will need to be using this crimple carparking space next time you come here....... now SOD off, Im bored with you now LOL....... and with that this bloke used the 'F' word on us and scurried off and got in his car and drove like a bat out of hell out of the garden centre LOL..... leaving his basket of plants on the floor lmfao....... fanks matie for the 6 perennials.... they look beautiful in me garden lol.....



These are the plants that the bloke left in the carpark cos he was to busy having a temper tantrum.... Im mega chufted lol over $40 worth of plants..... fanks matie, it must of been 'Do A Good Deed For A Crimple Day' for you LMFAO....

Anyways, we had a little hobble around, and it was lovely to get out, I needed some bits and bobs to do me hanging baskets etc...... and now, seeing as how the nice man in the carpark had donated his other plants for me, I didnt need to buy perennials lmfao.... It was a bit slippy in places where the paths were wet where the staff had been watering the plants, and a couple of times I nearly went arse over tit, which made me matie scream with laughter..... nasty cow LOL....




This is crimple art..... we decided to use me crutches to do a bit of art work, well until the nice man in the green T-shirt that had STAFF written across the back, asked us politely to KEEP THE DAM STICKS off the plants lmao.... some people just dont have an appreciation for fine art :)



This is me matie on the other side of one of the greenhouses ringing me on her mobile to say that I needed to hobble me fat arse over there cos thats were the buzy lizzies were lmfao...... sometimes she just creases me up....



This little robin thats on the handle of our plant trolley followed us around all the time we was there.... I tried to get it to pose on me crutch but it was having non of it lol....

After about 30 minutes I was already knackered lol remember this was only me second trip out of me house, so we headed for the lovely little cafe which is situation in this beautiful little cottage that had been converted.... so me matie plonks me down on a table outside and goes in to get the teas and cakes....... she comes back out empty handed and says, get up, and come and get in the queue cos there is NO WAY IM gonna gueue lmfao..... so I hobble inside and Im about the 7th in the queue (AND I SO DONT QUEUE WELL) so I says to the people in front....... Im so very sorry to bother you.... *said in a sweet voice*.... is it possible for me to go first cos Im finding it very difficult to stand for long..... LMFAO....... and with that it was like moses and the parting of the waves.... they moved out the way with words of.... oh you go in front love, and... of course, let her through lmfao....... so I get to the front and I give me matie the nod and she comes and takes my place and I go outside and find a table lmfao.... with sounds of tut tut tut from the others in the queue lol - some times crimpleness has its advantages lol



This is our goody tray with the biggest clotted cream scone and carrot cake that I have ever seen LOL...Sharon had to go back in and get the mugs of tea... no wonder we are fat cows lmfao....



More crimple art, and NO, one crutch is not shorter then the other, I was trying to make the photo interesting lmfao...... on saying that, once when me father had a broken leg when we was kids, me and me brother shortened one of his crutches whilst he slept and when he work up he stood up and grabbed his crutches little beknown to him that we had made one tiny and he fell over on the floor cos he was off balance lmfao..... omg I couldnt sit down for a week with the leathering I got, but oh my it was so worth it LOL



This is me trolley of goodies :)







These will be pretty once they start to grow and fill out........

I love plants with a passion, maybe it was the many years I was involved with my X's family nursery business and then our own plant nursery before we split..... but I do know that plants give me so much joy.... and I like nuffin better then getting stuck in and getting me hands dirty.....

**************

Knee update - over the past few weeks Ive been at the hospital 3-4 times a week, they are trying desperately to sort me out......

What happens is, I see me consultant and they drain the gunge from me knee, then its straight round to the physio department where Nick and Anita do the business on me for over an hour lol..... they are me physios from when I had the ligaments reconstructed in me other knee, so they know me well and I will say even in my bad days we have laffed and laffed so much......

But last week I had physio last Mon Wed and then Thursday the decision was made to admit me, so I went into QA Hospital this time and had further surgery late Thursday evening.... they scrapped away all the bad tissue around the bone graft and bionic knee, and whilst under they stretched and manipulated the muscles to try and give me better movement.... and took internal photos so as to help with decision making in a few weeks......I persuaded them to let me out on Saturday, as me 2 older lads are away in Spain and I didnt want Jacob left to long in the house on his own, cos his other brother was away for the weekend..... AND I had his birthday treat to arrange LOL.... so, back to worse hobbling this week.... but they are trying and aint giving up on me yet......

So, yesterday I had 1 1/2 hours with Nick and Anita on this special spazmo bike that ya can change the sprockets on the peddles so that ya dodgy leg dont make a full whole rotation in a big arc, just a tiny one on me dodgy side.... its to keep the movement free....and on a few other weirdo machines... it was very painful and Nick had to swear at me a couple of times lol GOOD JOB he was me physio for 2 years and we get on well........ he repeated what he said to me 3 years ago when I ask to many question......... he said 'Mel, as I slide down this big wooden banister of life, you are like the bloody splinter in me arse - now just get on with it and stop with the questions' LOL.....



Thats Anita on the left with two ladies at receptions that always seem pleased to see me lol they said despite everything I always make them laff and they hear laughter coming from the gym when Im there....... Nick wouldnt let me take his photo YET lol.... he has just come back from a year traveling the states, starting in Alaska.... he said he got the urge from me a few years back when I would tell him my dreams of taking a year off and hiring a camper and just travelling all over America.... so thats what he actually did, they kept his job open for him and he only came back last month..... so we had a lot to catch up on..... I think they are secretly glad Im back with them, cos Jebus, some of those getting physio are so dam boring lol and the noise level most certainly goes up when I hobble in lol AND as strange as this is, there is ALWAYS every week someone else in there that I actually know lmfao...... I hobble in and usually have to say hello to someone lol it aint my fault I know a lot of people....

Anyways, thats whats happening so far with me knee, hospital again tomorrow and again this Friday.... Hoping to maybe have the drains out tomorrow *fingers crossed* cos since the Surgery on Thursday there aint been much gunge coming out....... maybe JUST BLOODY MAYBE this is a turning point...... Im holding me breathe so tightly....

I wasnt so scared this time going into surgery..... Ive gotten a bit numb to it all now if truth be told..... and didnt even tell anyone what was going on....

And now me head is clear of that cocktail of drugs, I can think things clearly.... Im still very humbled by most peoples comments and actions...... and disgusted by a few others, but ya know what..... those few others aint worth the drippings from me nose..... they will always look at themselves as victims and turn every situation around to themselves..... well I dont have selfish people in me life..... so thats that done and dusted ..........

Way way to much Twaddling rubbish for this overcast showery Tuesday....... Ive got things to do ya know..... now where is me book ;)

OXO

One Flew Over The Chickens Nest..... That Little Hiccup Out The Way...

Ok.......... still trying to make sense of things here...... Ive always brushed the shit of life off me shoulders and just got on with things....... always used the words 'it was what it was at the time'.... always stood proud and tall..... always believed in tomorrow.... always looked forward...... always thought 'my time would come'

I was gonna try and explain my feelings and WTF has happened over the past few weeks, but it would sound whiney and moaning and stupid and pathetic...... so I wont, I cant.....not fully like me normal waffling twaddling rubbish.... so I'll try and keep it short and hope maybe it explains why I hit rock bottom....no excuses just maybe reasons...

I will just say that I was told something that I just couldnt share with anyone, not until recently, I kept it bottle up tight inside not knowing what to do........I was told the risks involved in having the op when I did.......there was/is a chance that I might lose me leg if they can not get it sussed and sorted pretty soon....Im scared shitless.....I knew there was a risk before I signed the consent form for the op, the bones had worn so bad that I also had to have a bone graft done during the knee replacement op to try and build up the bone enough for the bionic knee to sit level.... Im scared and Ive had no one to talk to about this.... no one that I truely thought cared.... so I bottled it all up and tried to deal with it meself..... Im so very scared cos its all going wrong, so very wrong.....and from them taking me back into theatre whilst still in hospital things began to not look good.... I just have a way of laffing and smiling me way through shit... but now the longer the problems go on, the most fearful Im becoming.... Jebus Im just so very very scared and I know I have no one to even share this with properly.... so very very frightened... I dont wanna lose me leg not now Im come this far in life....what have I done to deserve this worry....

I will say the lethal combination of 7 kinds of drugs trying to stabilize everything was a cocktail for trouble, they reacted against each other sending me into a spiral of fuzzyness and unclear thinking and fever pitch temperatures.....


Just a handful of the rubbish they have had me taking... thats not all of it lol

I just needed 6 or so years left to raise the last of me lads and give me a couple of years for me, to be me and do some of the things that Ive always wanted to do...

I will just say that Im grieving over lost special friendships.... which is sad at the best of times, but gets compounded 100 fold when one is at their lowest.... and when one is at the end of their tether, trying to figure out whats best to do for everone, a kick in the teeth and words of mistrust, only make the down person sink even more into a whirlpool of self destruction......

I will add that being stuck in the house for 6-7 weeks not being able to do anything contructive around the house or garden was/is for me a recipe for cottage fever of the highest..... hate daytime telly, couldnt concentrate on reading, couldnt sit at the computer due to severe pain and fatigue and exhaustion... couldnt potter around me garden or decorate the house, its not like having 6 weeks off work unpaid lol and being able to do things.... oh how I would of loved that lol

Not having me nippers around to keep me mind occupied has been horrific....

Not being able to walk and the frustration and fear combined sent me marbles rolling in the wrong direction.......

There is so much more........but I once again cant think straight to include it all.....

I just know I dont wanna have to change me name to 'Peggie' with the pegleg LOL

So ya see, there is more to things then just broken friendships and self pity and an off day.......

All the above mixed in a huge pot and spooned out into bowls... makes for a dam rough couple of weeks......

I did get out for the second time in 7 weeks yesterday just for an hour to buy some plants.... but last night it left me totally drained and exhausted and cross with meself......

Please wait for me...... and bare with my sadness....... but its all just been way to much for me usually broad shoulders to carry of late.......

The possible loss of me leg or the loss of me special maties.... I know which one I would rather lose......

There, done and dusted.... episode over...... what will be will be...... Im just so very scared........lets hope its all gonna just be fine...... lets all just pretend non of it ever happened, lets just turn the clock back a year and start again.... lets just wait and see what happens..... thats me, a worrywart of the highest....

Normal service will resume shortly..... please fasten your seatbelts....lets just get back to having fun aye....and hey, as scared as I am, Im still me daft self most of the time here, ask me maties LOL

Enough pathetic waffling babbling Twaddle....... just trying to explain to those that care, where Ive been and where I might be going....

This post is NOT a sad post, even though it might sound like Im whining and moaning LOL - its just an explaination on the ride Ive been on this past couple of weeks...... but Im ok now in me mind....just a little sad at lost friendships...... but Im fighting this with all I have.... so I didnt lose it completely much to the disgust of me maties here in the village LOL..... I would of been their first matie they would of had to of visited in some nuthouse LOL .....giggling :)

night.... oxo

Part Time Nutcase...

Ok......... Im sat here in front of the computer and blank staring at the monitor and thousands and thousands of thoughts and feelings are rushing through me head..... bashing against the sides.......not knowing how to write anything down..... just knowing that I owe everyone and meself an explanation...... and not even knowing where to begin.....



Thats me hobbling towards the end of the tunnel.... I sooooooo dont look good in orange :)

Thoughts of confusion..... thoughts of love..... thoughts of deep embarrasment....thoughts of lost trust from people I love.... thoughts of hopelessness....... thoughts of 'I didnt think people cared'...... thoughts of great great sadness of things lost..... thoughts of such fear....... and not being able to explain those fears to those I love.... cos I was scared more of loosing those people then the fears themselves...but it looks like I might of lost them anyway.... thoughts of so many things...... thoughts of how deeply deeply touched I am by those that have commented on this blob that dont really know me yet have showed so much depth and care then I have ever ever experienced in me life..... ever....

I wanted to sit here and explain.... no excuses....... just maybe explain..... Ive lost many things this week besides me marbles..... but I have also gained so very very much..... much more then I could of ever imagined.....



When ya think no one cares about ya in the world and ya feel completely alone.... and when ya so need to share some serious things with those that ya love, yet ya feel ya cant and ya hold back and then those people get the wrong end of the stick and they point fingers of mistrust......and so more gets piled on ya shoulders to carry, when already ya shoulders are full with all that you have to hold inside..... its hard to see the focus and purpose of staying.....

And then when ya see the outpouring on ya blob, just through posting 4 photos and a couple of words.... when ya realise that strangers have not judged, even when that bird of insanity is pecking out me mind and soul...... it makes one humble so very very humble.....

Ya see........ there aint never been anything in life that I aint been able to suss and sort out, not just for me, but for others that cross me path in life...... its always been 'Mel will sort it out' - 'go see Mel, she will figure it all out' - Im the most trustworthy people to friends and even strangers when they are down or low or at their wits end.....there aint never been anything in life that I couldnt handle, and believe me much of me life has not been a free ride, and I know Ive overcome all that life has thrown at me knowing that 'its what it was' no matter what its been..... so when I found meself in this place of dispair and no path out.... it just about blew me mind..... there are so many reaons as to why.... all the shit piled high on me shoulders that even I have not get sifted through and stacked on the shelves of me mind..... so trying to explain as yet, would be unfair.... so unfair.....

So, today in this post Im not going to even try to explain where all these thoughts of dispair have come from.... and those that think they know me and think they know..... sorry, but you really truelly dont fully have a clue..... and yet I was judged on something that was completely out of my hands for a while....

Im not out of the woods yet, just maybe out of the tree....... lets see what tomorrow brings......

But I just wanted to let you know that I have never ever in all me life felt so humble with the outpouring of thoughts and well wishes from you all, and the little cards that some sent and the emails that have nudged me into sanity...and the phone calls made to me from strangers with concern.... and the lovely gifts that I have received.... and the words of hope...... its all been so very overwhelming....I truely do not deserve it.... not me... I truely dont....

And Im sure there are some that are reading this and thinking what a fake, what a pathetic person...... and that to is ok..... cos this week has shown me who and what really matters.... and some dont even come close to knowing how my mind or soul works, cos some of you just have me wrong, so very wrong......

I need to especially fank ((Bob)) I dont think you will fully realise what that phone call did for me...... and ((pixie and woodsong)).... and (((Wendy, Susan and Toadies))...((Peanut)) Im so very very sorry, I do love you.... ((Coral))... ((Ol lady - jebus if only you knew how special that phone call was))....((Cis)) - and dear dear (((((((Starr))))))) for continuing to nudge me back into life - and everyone that commented on me blob.... ya all very special....



Maybe later in the week I will have the engery to share me mind and WTF just happened LMFAO....... I only just shared a huge fear with people that I love last night..... lets see what tomorrow brings.....

I will probably come back and delete this Twaddle when Ive had time to think about it proper, cos Im sure it sounds all jumbled and finger pointy and daft..... please whomever might read things into words typed..... please know, I would never intentionally upset or hurt you... this media is so very very hard to work with......

I know I will NEVER find meself in this place ever again.... cos those energy saving lightbulbs aint all that bright in a dark room..... Ive learnt so much about life and people and most importantly about meself this week.....

OXO

ps...... I will also try over the coming days to reply to ALL the comments on the previous blob post..... and all those many emails that I just couldnt reply to over the past few days... it was not that I was ignoring ya, it was just I couldnt understand meself let alone explain things.....

AND MrPert WINS the prize for being the 100th post LMFAO...... your prize is the 36 staples that I saved from me operation lmfao..... :) fireworks horns hoots and whistles for the prize winner lol....