This Is How...

This is how Ive felt of late, since the court case....... totally overwhelmed with things...... the injustice of justice aye... I cant explain as yet,

A little no one in a huge sea of life.... someone that dont count in the big plan.....



This past month has been a whirlwind of solicitors and hospital and physio and talks with me consultant (surgeon), and trying to keep our heads above water cos only working part time so finacially in the shit LOL ..... and ups and downs......

So much to get down on paper, yet Im a very private person.....

Anways, I typed a long long post like I am known to do, but Ive just deleted it... I find it hard to share somethings, things that hurt me deep inside.... so for now, I will leave it at that......

Hey Buff aint that just the shortest post Ive even done LOL..

Fanks for all your loverly comments of love and concern in my previous post.... every time I read them I almost brings me to me knees with overwhelming love....

I just wanted/needed to put this out there, I know Ive been a slagbag with me emails and comments and have not really even been blobbing around... just the odd little comment on facebook, thats been me lot of late.... and Im sorry....

I have so many stories in my head that I need to get down on paper for me lads to read one day.... and Ive missed you all..... but, Im back on track now.... Ive hit the floor and bounced back higher.....

Its Guy Fawkes/Bonfire Night tonight and Im just now off to our Scout Hut to help with the arrangements and things for our fireworks display, which attracts thousands of village people..... hence this short post now....

Maybe I'll explain more another time, but you just have to remember Im quite a private person....

know you are loved....

x

Be Back Real Soon.... Proper Back An All LOL

Ok.... I know I have let this place go to rack and ruin.... its not that I wanted to.. and there is way to much to explain as to why I aint been around everyones blobs much.... Im fighting for survival here in more ways then one.... need to get next Monday and court out of the way and maybe things will level out, if it all goes tits up then I could well be imprison for how I will deal with the offending party LOL....

So, you might have to start baking cakes and putting files in the middle of them.... GoFigure you might have to get over here I aint good in court lmfao....

Im hobbling much better now, still aint right by any stretch of the imagination, and still having physio twice a week which leaves me totally knackered, but it must be done if I stand a chance of getting any of the life back that I so crave...

I did have a nasty fall a few weeks back that scared the shit not only out of me but out of me physios, and it did put me back a bit, I was lucky to get away with it, but get away I bloody did, it could of mean two broken legs instead of the bruises arse and skinned hip that I ended up with, but it sure as hell shook me up big time..

Seriously though.... as one thing has been piled on my shoulders to deal with, more has been placed wobbly on the top.... so instead of coming in here and moaning and whining, I thought it best just to keep meself to meself and try as best I can to suss and sort the spoils of life out on me own like Ive always had to...

That dont mean to say I aint missed you all like crazy.... but Im living in a crazy timespan and if I cant suss it out then I will go under....

I have so many stories in my head that need to be written....

Anyways.... I'll leave you until next week with a few photos of the colours in me little garden....


I LOVE daisy plants with a passion..


This little Hibiscus bush I love, its more blue then it looks in the photo.....blue plants and purple plants I love more then any other colour... they make my heart sing.. and blue delphiniums are my utmost love..


A new little Mallow Shrub I bought back in the spring, it has the most delicate pale pink flowers, and even though I dont do pink, I love pink flowers in me garden lol..oh and me pink shoes, and scales and and and.... bugger, maybe Im a suppressed pink lover afterall lmfao



Sunflower in me garden, sunflowers are the only yellow plants I allow in my garden in the summer... to me yellow is for the spring.... I know I know crazy as shit right lol


I do not know what this long dangly plant is and its neither pink nor orange and I dont really like the colour, but it insists in flowering for months in my little garden so I think its unfair just cos I dont like it to dig the bugger up lol


This is a new delphinium which I got back in the spring and so didnt think it would flower this year, but it did, be it only one spike tall and thin, I think it flowered to make me smile...

If I had a big open garden I would have wide open flower beds just filled with every colour delphinium one could think of..... sigh.... but alas I dont lol - when I use to own a plant nursery with my tosser X we would grown thousands of pots of delphiniums each year to sell at the country shows.... I miss those days, NOT HIM but those days of growing and all the great shows, I loved interacting with the people whereas he hated that lol.... he was an amazing grower, I will give him that much, but that was all he was LMFAO...


I love this little bright pink alpine that I planted in the little hole in our stone front wall.... we use to grow over a 100 varieties of alpines.. thats what we specialised in... Alpines and Perennials.... we found such a gap in the market for top quality A and Ps....

Hey, maybe I could move to the States and get a job in a garden centre LOL.... I would be an asset lmfao...


See, blue again lol


This Victoria comes up without fail year after year... the only red plant in my garden this year, all me wicker hanging baskets were pinks, mauves, purples and white....

Oh my I have such a funny story about me twat neighbour and his red plant peeping over the fence, but I'll save that for another day lol

Ok, before I bore you to tears, one last photo, I picked the little sunflowers for me jug on me kitchen table, they was the little side flowers on me tall sunflowers, and they looked so pretty on our table...



Without my little garden, my lads, me cats, me chickens, me blob maties and a tiny few special maties here.... I would not of got through the summer...well, I would of, but I might not of come out sane LOL - but Autumn will a new beginning in so many ways for me..... Im making huge decisions in the coming months and its scarey on me own to be doing them.... but do them I must...

Anyone wanna adopt me LOL so I dont have to do this alone lmfao...

More then enough Twaddle for a Wednesday afternoon....

Know you are loved..... give me a few days to get back on track and I'll be back with you... then ya will be moaning when Im back proper LOL..

x

Happy Bloody Birthday To Me....

Ok........19 September and its my birthday.....

What a shit fucking year its been....... I wouldnt wish my life as it is at the moment on my worse enermy..... but even with all that, along the way Ive met some amazing people...and the most amazing blob friends..... thank you for being so dam amazing.... yes, I mean you....

Ive leant so much from so many angles.... about people, people I trusted and people I have never met...... both have surprised me beyond measure..

Lets see what this coming year has install for me, whatever it is, except for death, it cant be any bloody worse......



On saying all that, Ive had the most loverly of days with my lads, a day filled with love and laughter and good food and cake and wine and more laughter and pressies, from near and far........

Gumbies, know I love you with all my heart......

Iggy, you continue to amaze me with your kindness and gentle words.....with your little band of merry blobbers....

know you are all loved...

x

First Proper Trip Out - Trouble On A Bike

Ok....... I know, I know its been a while....... but if you was where I was right now you might understand.... on top of all the shit I already am carrying with trying to recover from all these surgeries in the past year, life threw me such a curveball this past month....

People have shit on me big time.... so much so that my house is on the line and Im trying as best I can to keep our heads above water whilst doing the doggie paddle...

Anyways, enough of my shit....... Im not gonna do the last installment of me hospital visit LOL well not yet.... Ive had enough of hospitals and all that nonsense, maybe I will do that last part in a few weeks.... need to get it down for me lads, but not now.....

Im doing okay, sorta.... still having physio twice a week which is knackering at the best of times.... Im sorta walking if you can call it that with no crutches now.... though very vulvernable and a bit wobbly especially on uneven ground....... Ive been driving for a couple of weeks now, which has given me a bit of freedom.....

Got kids this week, just as holiday and sickness cover.... dont have much work when schools go back next week, just me before and after schoolers, which wont keep the wolfs from the door...... basically Im stuffed for being a good person, Im stuffed for having surgery, Im stuffed for believing that people besides myself had morals and kept to promises, Im stuffed in being a genuine caring loving person..... maybe I should turn into a shitbag, a nasty piece of work, someone that dont give a dam, someone that dont put others first, someone that dont give a stuff....... cos, its taken me all this time to realise, that most people are just out for themselves and they even stuff ya when ya most vulnerable, they stuff ya cos someone having major surgery just dont fit in with their fucking holiday plans......

So, Ive not been Twaddling, Ive sat often with the page open and just couldnt bring myself to Twaddle.... and whilst sitting here Ive thought of all the wonderful friends and people I have meet through this blob and through other blobs, people I have never meet that have sent well wishes and cards and gifts, most of which I so dont deserve.... people that know me probably better then most people here.... people that I have grown so fond of over my time on Twaddle... people I have come to love..... so I fank you all for your well wishes and your beautiful cards and the little gifts, all of which lifted my spirits when I was at such a loss at to human nature and shithead people.... you restored my faith in people..... there are good out there besides those that only take for themselves...... so I fank you all from the bottom of my heart.... I would say soul, but that still aint come back to me yet LOL

But today Im gonna Twaddle, I need to...... but, not about hospitals and shithead people and being stuffed by unmoral nasty pieces of shit LOL

Ok, so we aint had a summer, not really, just odd sunny days, no long hot summer days here..... I take it as a sign, thats 2 years on the trot after major surgery that the summer has left us.... 2 years on the trot that people I loved and trusted have shit on me...... so its a sign.... a sign that maybe Im at fault....maybe by being the person I am, it somehow gives people permission to use and abuse 'me'....... I need to learn from what has happened and not change the person I am, but be strong in the belief that who I am is okay, its who Im suppose to be....anyways once again Im off track LOL soooooooo.....

A couple of weeks ago, after not being out of the house except for hospital and doctors appointments (and no, maties aint offered to come and take me out or anything..... fuck em aye) being stuck in the house for over 3 months aint been fun.... also with no money cos Im self employed, its been difficult.... Ive barely kept me sanity LOL... but a few weeks ago, I told me physio...... sod it, Im driving, he gave me a few lessons in the carpark at the hospital and I was ready to go, with, Mel only really drive when you have to LOL..... oh shut it nick....

We had a sunny Sunday a few weeks back so I said to me lads.... ok, lets go to the pub, our little favourite pub, right on the waters edge of the harbour.... lets go get something to eat.... lets go bleeding mental and treat ourselves LOL (you see both my Ben and Sam are out of work, due to redundancies and in England unlike in America dole money is pennies)..... I rarely treat myself, and I have maties that eat out 2-3 times a week, not just once in a blue moon like I do LOL....

Our Tom was poorly so that just left me, Ben, Sam and Jacob.... sod it, I said, I have the last 30 quid in me purse me might as well go down with a smile and a nice memory LOL

So off to Hayling we went, it was strange driving...... Sam couldnt drive my car you see, he aint insured, and his car has been off the road for months..... Ben couldnt drive my car cos he is banned for 2 years LOL (long story)... and of course at 16 Jacob is to young..... anyways, it was fine, sorta LOL it was just nice to get out..... I was like an inmate that had been on day release LOL..... oh there was a world outside the 4 walls of my house.... I actually saw real people out and about lmfao.... how bloody pathetic aye lol

The Ferryboat is a pub on the Western tip of Hayling Island, Ive talked about it here before.... there is one little road down to the pub, not to wide so if there are people on bikes you have to go way slow until there is a break in the traffic coming the other way before one can over take the bikes......

And bikes there was on that sunday a few weeks back..... the road only leads to the pub and the beach..... anyways...... we was stuck behind 2 bikes that were riding side by side (how rude) instead of them riding single file cos the road was narrow.... and cars coming the other way made it difficult for us to try and pass without knocking the tossers into the hedge, and believe me, it was in my head lol.....

My Sam said, beep the horn mum..... no Sam its ok, we will wait.... after 4-5 minutes of crawling behind these ignorant gits lol... there was a break in the cars and bikes coming the other way so I had room to overtake these bikes in front of us..... oh my goodness to dam funny...... as we pulled level with them my Sam reached over and beeped me horn LMFAO..... the bloke on the bike began waving his fist and mouthing something at us.... to dam funny...... and as we pulled level his face was a picture of anger LOL.... we was in fits of giggles by now, and boys being boys my Sam made the 'wanker sign' at him out the side window at the bloke for being such a tosser LOL..... we drove off with visions of him in the mirror waving his fist and shouting things we couldnt hear....... blimey, talk about 'bike rage' LOL all we did was beep the horn, and he shouldnt of been so rude as to ride side by side on a narrow road....

So we get to the pub, there is no way I was gonna walk across the carpark and across the eating area with me crutches.... so for the first time I tried to walk without them LOL..... bit of a mistake lmfao..... but, oh well..... I kept saying I WILL NOT BE A CRIMPLE I WILL NOT BE A CRIMPLE....



We ordered some drinks and our meals..... and hobbled outside to sit in the sunshine on one of the benches on the back terrace overlooking the sea..... as we was talking we mentioned the tosser bike rider and then we began to giggle cos I said...... he was riding the same way as us, that means one thing...... OMG... that means he HAS to be coming to this pub LMFAO...... to dam funny, and with that as we looked across the crowds of people sitting eating their supper, there with a face as red as a beetroot and a face like a smacked arse...... came TOSSER BIKE MAN and he was heading straight for us hahahahahaha...

He was pushing his bike through all the tables (how rude) his face was like thunder..... we were so childish, we started to giggle..... he stood at the end of our table..... hello I said....... HELLO he bellowed........ which started me off laffing again....... I COULD OF HAD A HEART ATTACK he said....... I beg your pardon I said........ he repeated himself.... my Ben who just wont take no nonsense off anyone, just said...... go away little man....tiz ok Ben I said, let the little man explain...... continue I said.... my face was making all funny shapes trying no to laff.... you beeped your horn and I could of had a heart attack he repeated...... oh, I said, not being funny or nuffin I says, but if you are that weak of heart maybe you just shouldnt be riding a bike along a road with traffic that might beep you if you are not riding correctly, cos after all, YOU could of caused an accident if you had fallen off cos of a heart attack and I might of run ya little head over, now please, we are trying to enjoy a nice drink, I suggest you just take you bike and go calm down somewhere....

Steam, I swear I saw steam coming out of his ears...he just wouldnt let sleeping dogs lie, he actually banged his fist on our table and said........HOW DARE YOU BEEP YOUR HORN AT ME........ I looked at all 3 of me lads who were now wide eyed in total disbelief at this bloke........ I could see now that my Ben was a little, how shall we say.... peeved LOL...... please dont talk to my mum like that matie, not if you dont wanna end up in that there water with ya bike on top of ya for good measure....... which now started me giggling again......... you have to rememeber this is my FIRST trip out into the human world after months stuck in the house LOL...... the bloke just wouldnt drop it...... DONT LAFF he said..... and looking straight at Ben he said, and I would like to see you try and throw me in the water you little boy.....now, my Ben is far from little, and he is a bit of a scrapper when push comes to shove.... and unlike his mother he has a bit of a short fuse when people are pissing him off for no justifable reason.... my Ben is well bloody hard LOL and aint scared of no man, let along a jumped up tosser on a bike.....

Now the standard joke amongst me and me lads is that when we are confronted by a situation that needs delicate handling but looks like it might get nasty is this......... I always say..... SHOW HIM/THEM YA TATTOOs lmfao....... to dam funny.... ya see once, my tosser X was having a bit of a todo with someone and he said..... 'I aint scared of you, I have tattoos' LMFAO hahahah I have no idea if that was suppose to scare someone, but its something thats stuck with me now forever, so in situations that arise such as now, I always try and break the ice with.....'show him ya tattoos'.... you so probably wont get that but to us it sends us into fits of uncontrolable giggles.... the bloke stopped speaking mid yell.... blank look..... yeah I said, you had better not mess with us Wil...'s we have tattoos, and with that I stick out me leg and pull me jeans up and show me little leaping frog tattoo..... there, now ya scared aint ya I said...... Sam began rolling up his sleeve to get to his tattoo.....

Well, this bloke just went balistic....the table next to us had heard the whole conversation and were in fits of giggles.... the whole pub terrace was in silence listening LOL....... he just wouldnt let it go......... so in the end my Ben just stood up and said (he was actually now getting right annoyed)...... ok matie, I suggest you just go NOW or I will not be held responsible for my actions and I just hope and pray that you can swim.... I just say in a gentle quiet voice, sorry matie but I think you picked on the wrong table, a table full of 'Wil...'s' aint to be messed with, I suppose you should consider yourself lucky that our Tom is not here, cos this conversation wouldnt even be happening now, you would be floating in that there sea.... now, before I really loose me rag with ya, I suggest ya bugger off over there and get yourself a drink and think about anger management classes..... my Ben then takes one step towards him and he actually runs with his bike across the terrace and props his bike up against the pub wall and storms into the pub with his wifey in tow.....



This is our Ben :) now he aint scarey is he LOL

I know I know, we shouldnt of wound him up...... but if you had been there is was just the funniest ever....... we giggled like silly kids and even discussed about our Jacob sneaking across the terrace to the blokes bike and letting his tyres down LOL



Our Sam, I think that hat is glued to his head lol....

I suppose you just had to be there, but I laffed and laffed so much, it did me the power of good....

Anyways, I love this old pub, even with its extensions over the years, ya see, just across the harbour mouth of the Portsmouth side is where I was born, Milton Locks was where me parents lived and as a young married couple my father and mother would sail their boat across the harbour to the Ferryboat Inn and spend time there and then sail back...... when we kids were older our parents would often (they had moved by then and sold the boat) drive down to Hayling and this pub on the beach and spend time on the beach and in the pub...... just a few good memories from my childhood, and maybe thats why I have always taken my lads there...... who knows, maybe just trying to capture a few odd good childhood memories.....

So, anyways....... there is a sea wall that runs along the back terrace of the pub, the channel of water is to dangerous for swimming cos of the very strong tidal current, it would drag ya out to sea before anyone had a change to throw a life line, but there are always jetskiers there and little speed boats and of course the little ferry that goes across to Eastney end of Portsmouth and to which the pub gets its name.....



Wondering if its possible to love another human as much as I love this child..it looks like he is standing on the edge of the beach but there is a 6 foot drop behind him LOL

Now my Jacob, you know the one that is into 'free running' and doing flips off things, well, the seawall was just to much of a temptation for him.... and I have to so bite my tongue and not tell him to stop it when he does these things.......

Whatcha reckon mum, he says, ya reckon I could flip off there onto the beach below..... yes love I say, so there is no need to do it right LOL...... WRONG...



I know the seawall is only about 5-6 foot high, but still, Im his mother for gawds sake..



And then to make his mother (me) fret even more, he does it with his hands in his pockets LOL



Aint my baby just gorgeous lol....... and yes, one of those pints is his.... and I know he is only just 16..... but it was hot and the lager was cold and it was better that he has a pint with his mother then sneaks up the woods with a bottle of cider like so many of his maties do lol..... oh shut it....

Even though my Sam is an extreme skateboarder he stands in awe at our Jacob and his flipping ability to just flip off anything and everything....... Sam decided to lay on the beach below the seawall and try and take a photo of his brother as he flipped over him LOL..



This is the view one would of got if ya was sunbathing on the beach and Jacob flipped over ya head lmfao.....

Oh this photo so made me laff....... as Jacob peered over the wall at me after doing a flip, the angle of the photo just looked so funny, it looked like he was just a head on the beer glass.... you know, like 'the head' on a beer lmfao



aint that just the strangest photo......

As you can see by the time we had finished eating the sun was setting... this is a wonderful place..... and in the winter when the wind is whipping up a storm its a great place to sit inside the pub over looking the sea with the wind and rain battering the windows, whilst its all snug inside..... one day I will get to share it and my memories with someone.... maybe aye....

I took one last photo before the light got to bad for my crap camera..... and this I think is the bestest shot...... even with me crap camera...



This lad shows no fear....... I suspect soon there will be more trips to the hospital......

As we made ready to leave we realised the 'bike man' was nowhere to been seen and his bike which was against the pub wall had disappeared..... I hobbled back across the terrace towards the car, yes, hobbling like a crimple..... and I felt happy to of been out of the house and to spend time with me lads and to laff until my sides ached...... and to realise, that maybe after meeting the 'crazy bike man' just maybe, my family aint as crazy as I often think lol

We headed back down the narrow road, happy and contented....... OMG..... could it be, there in the distance...... please say it aint so....... it only bloody well was, in the gloom, we could just make out a couple of bikes riding side by side down the narrow road.... in the gloomy light it was hard to make them out until we came right up behind them...... omg IT WAS THEM lol the crazy bike man, had he learnt nuffin this afternoon LMFAO..... it was just to tempting to let go....... so I drove up next to him and me lad wound the window down LOL...... hello again I say.... you really should have lights on your bike at this time of night, I could of knocked you off I could hardly see you..... F*CK OFF he said......... how very rude.......... we giggled and laffed all the way home...... :)

ok, I know, long winded and boring and all that stuff for a Saturday afternoon....... but, I aint bovvered..... its just nice to be back on Twaddle, no matter what me problems are, Ive missed twaddling and most of all.... Ive missed you all.....

Im doing ok, really, very frustrated about me re-couping though, but thats maybe for another twaddle day......

know you are loved..

x

Blood Bones Guts And Funny Surgeons.... Part III (Oh Hush GoFigure)

Ok........ tiz been a while, I know, but have sorta kept meself to meself of late, just trying to do things right, now thats a first for me lol

Before I show ya the blood and guts post, I'll quickly say whats been going on this past couple of weeks....

I had me consultant a week and a half ago, I had to go to the other hospital in town, what a cock up that was with hospital transport again lol, they had to fork out the cost of a taxi there and back for me cos they cocked up.... suited me just fine fanks very much lol

Anyways, I had 4-5 Xrays, only to discover that the 4 inch break in me femur as yet even after 6 weeks has not knitted together as it should of.... I have been non weighbearing as much as possible over the past 6 weeks, but just sometimes its been impossible..... anyways, me consultant was a little concerned, the break though had not got any bigger it had just not knitted, and the hole where they took the acl/pcl reconstruction screws out was also gapping like a toothless old hag.....

So, MrD me consultant gave me options.....

1. Further surgery to have a plate and little screws placed over the break and gapping hole in me femur.....

2. No weightbearing for a further 6 weeks, but be admitted to hospital to immobilise me leg so the break cant move but have the physios come in to keep the robot knee joint moving so it dont scar over like last years one and stop bending....

3. Start partial weighbearing and work up to full weightbearing under strict physio at the hospital 3-4 times a week, and hope that the way the new knee joint is in place, the weight of the joint is dispersed right across the femur spreading out the force of weight and hope that cos of that, the break in the femur wont continue to split up me femur, and see what happens.....SEE WHAT BLOODY HAPPENS lol......

The first 2 options are not an option for me, as the 14 inch wound scar is now fairly clean and healing nicely and the infection is very minor still, to open me up again and fiddle around, well, nope..... I aint doing that....

The second option aint happening either, I cant not be here for 6 weeks as much as I actually could do with the rest LOL....

So...... after much discussion I/we have plumped for option 3.... I do not know who is more scared and worried, me or nick me physio lol.......if we get this wrong or I fall then Im buggered cos the femur will crack right up to me bum...... so you can imagine how careful I am being, and 4 trips to the hospital physio gym this week have been like a trip to hell LOL.... a week and a bit on and things seem to be going ok.... very painful, but no falls, Im still on crutches but trying to use them mainly for balance.......but Im wicked on them now.... I did nearly come a cropper yesterday though, but the least said about that the better LOL suffice to say I have a graze about 5 inches down the side of me face and the wall in the kitchen is sporting bits of my skin LOL

Im great in meself though, and very positive...... just dam bloody bored LOL.... its ok having time off work when one is normal and with dosh in ones pocket, but Im neither so its a tad frustrating.... hence why Ive been a little quiet, mainly cos after the hospital trips and what with trying to deal with me solicitor, its left me knackered.....

Anyways enough of all that bollocks.... I need to get this last part down on paper as a record of events, so one day me lads might realise some of the horrendous things Ive been through lol......... they refuse to look at the photos, said they dont wanna see, cos it makes them feel sick LOL

So, after a night tossing and turning and getting hardly any sleep, I awoke with the sound of the tea trolley doing its early morning rounds....... no tea for me, today was the day..... please lordie dont let me be like last years operation, please give me a break and let things be good.....

Me consultant did his rounds about 8ish... this is MrC the one that took pity on me and added me to his list lol..... he introduced himself, and shook my hand with the words...'you are quite a celebrity, fanks to nurse Lisa and MrN, after hearing from them both, Im very pleased to have you on my list for today, it will be about teatime, but Im told you havent eaten or drunk properly for days, so Im making an exception, you are allowed to drink water throughout the day, we cant have to dehyradated before we even start, but just water, nuffin else - Ive studied your notes from MrD and realise we face a few problems cos of the acl/pcl reconstruction a few years ago, but you my dear are going to have to put your trust in me and let me do the best I can for you in whatever circumstances that might arise.... any questions Mel'?....

ok, I says, just a couple....I know I will be having the spinal block right? and last year I also had a bit of sedation which was like a nice drunk feeling, so I was awake but not really truely with it right? well this year, I do NOT want any sedation whatsoever, just the spinal, I want to be fully awake cos last year I think it might of been a reaction to the sedation what made me really poorly the first few days after surgery, and thats when things started to go to pot - well he says, its not very pleasant not to have some sedation, you will be fully aware of every word spoken and even though you will not feel any pain you will feel the hammering and drilling and your body moving as we bang and drill etc.... but I NEED to hear whats going on, and I so dont wanna be poorly like last time..... ok, he said, its your shot, but if you feel its all to much then let us know and we will sedate you.... you will be the first that will of only had the spinal, you are crazy LOL......

Anything else, he asks...... yes, can I take me camera into theatre and could one of the theatre staff take photos for me, please........ well he says that also is a first, well, I says, last year MrD let me take the camera and he captured great photos, now you cant let him outdo you can ya? - with that he let out a huge laff LOL...... oh my he says, I can see why MrN and Lisa shout your corner for you, you certainly are not the run of the mill patient LOL....they sure were correct about you - ok he says, its a deal, if MrD can have photos of your op then we to must out do him with better photos lmfao.....

Oh, and one more thing, no Auntie Morris I says, he blanked stared at me and so I had to explain all about Auntie Morris and me Auntie Freda's wee bag LOL.... I dont think many patients talk to these top surgeons like I do LOL.... he just smiled and said, no Auntie Morris then - see you around teatime he said.... and with that he walked away chuckling.....

So I had the rest of the day to worry and read to Violet and get things from the shop for others....I had to keep telling meself that this would not go like last years, that was just unlucky, this is different, things will be ok... they had to be....

A little before teatime the call came up that I was to be got ready and someone would be up to collect me to take me to theatre, all systems were go, and the call said, tell Mel not to forget her camera LMFAO hahahahaha



This is one of the theatre nurses, I cant remember what I said to her but she is finding something wellabit funny LOL...I will admit all through the op, problems and all, we laffed and laffed...... note the time on the clock on the back wall.. 4.20pm just past teatime..... I didnt get back to the ward until a little before 9pm.... cripes, things did get complicated LOL

They wheeled me bed down to theatre where I had to hop over onto the operating table and sit on the edge with me feet on a chair and curl me backbone so that they could insert the spinal.... so there I sat.... with one of the theatre nurses infront of me holding me hands incase I fell off the table LOL.... cold spray they said and then you will feel a little prick.... its been a while I said, since Ive had a little prick...... I NEED to learn to keep me mouth shut LOL.....well I could feel the anthestist running his fingers down my spine, and then a sharp prick and with that me left leg shot out and kicked the nurse who was holding me hands right in the shins LOL........ oh my says the anthestist, thats not quite the right gap LOL..... I asked if he had done this before or if he had just wandered in off the street.... with that he was standing in front of me and said, its not me doing it LOL Im teaching today.... blimey, they had only let a student loose on me spinal column lol..... 3 attempts later and 2 kicks at the nurse and they finally got the spinal in.... I had no control over the leg movement, it was the strangest thing ever, its where the needle had hit part of the spinal cord nerves and it must of been the ones that go to me left leg....



we did laff but my back was like a dot-to-dot of holes lol - I did think to meself..... oh shit, here we go again....

I was asked if I was sure I wanted to be fully awake, I said yep, but if things went wrong I didnt wanna hear them say 'we are losing her' or 'my what a fat arse' LOL.... MrC just stared at me and shook his head smiling lol

Ok, he says from behind the screen, lets start, are you ready Mel..... can you take the screen down so I can see, I says..... nope he says we so aint doing that LOL....ok I says but you have to talk to me and tell me whats going on, I dont wanna hear like on the hospital telly programme in surgery where ya discuss who is shagging who and which doctor is cheating on his wife LOL..... he pops his head over the screen and says, dam, which telly hospital programme do you watch LOL...

Ok Mel just tell me if you feel anything, you shouldnt but let me know ok.. first cut.... I asked him to give me a running commentary lol again he said that would be a first, Im glad I had MrC he was not so straight laced as MrD, and the other top surgeon that was MrC's sidekick was wellabit funny.... There was 8 people in theatre plus 2 students and me..... I didnt realise there would be so many, just thought it would be 4 or 5 people....



This was the first cut, little was I to know they then cut much longer and higher, 14 inches in all.... I think my days of modeling are over lol

Throughout both the surgeons so made me laff, it was not until after I put the photos on me computer that I realised how they were both playing to the camera lol.... see the thumbs up in the above photo LOL to dam funny

ok.... be warned gross photos to follow.....



Now this is just the funniest photo ever, it must be the angle or something cos my knee looks like the size of a bloody head LOL...... you can see how much bigger the opening is in the above photo... its right proper wide cos they are pulling it apart with clamps....

No wonder one is very sore after LOL





Just some of the many instruments used during the operation, and yes thats a drill just like I have in me tool bag in me shed LOL....



See the bits of me femur in the little pot, its a strange thought that they cut the end of ones femur off and chistle it out like a dovetail joint to get the metal knee to sit straight...... and then part of it is shoved up the bonemarrow part of the bone....the thing in the photo is the bit that measures where the dovetail will go lol





This has just gotta be the bestest photo ever, these are two top orthopedic surgeons doing a complicated operation on 'me' LMFAO and they have time to take a bow, you can certainly tell they aint never had a camera in theatre before.... I just so love this photo.... and all the time Im chatting away behind the sheet LOL see, it just goes to prove these top surgeon are really just the same as everyone else lol - see the bowl of me bones lol

I did ask if I could have some of the bones and the screws but I was not allowed cos they were not sterile.... I so wanted to make a necklace out of the bones lol



Yep, they really stand on a little stool and put all their force behind hammering..... this is the part where I heard me consultant say 'oh shit' and whats that suppose to mean I say.... well he says, remember how I told you that cos of the weakness where the screws would be out from the acl reconstruction, and how the bone might sheer off..... well, he said, it didnt...... phew I said.... it didnt sheer off he said but I broke it instead...... oh my I says..... well, lets just call it a lucky break then aye?.... with that he comes around my side of the sheet and just bursts out laffing, saying 'a lucky break lol'.... see to some it would of been devastating, but to me it was the best of the two evils... whats a 4 inch break when it could of been the whole bone sheered off ....





Even though the cut dont look it, it actually measures 14 inches from top to bottom...... see the new metal robot joint in place..... all me bits of femur and tibia are in a little bowl, probably going down to the kitchens to make a stew from LOL



That just left the closing up with staples... 46 altogether, he said it was the most he has ever used but with 14 inches to close up he had no choice.... I will admit the scar is horrendous, the bottom half aint to bad but the top half I think he must of done bloody blanket stitch on it lol.... but I say, scars are the roadmaps of ones life, and there aint much I can do about them.... and its not like anyone will ever see them but me.... no one would want me now anyways LOL



They had to be so very careful putting me back across onto my ward bed, cos of the broken femur they made sure things were smooth by having so many people to help LOL...... if you could see me face, I was rolling me eyes lol mainly cos I couldnt see what all the fuss was about cos I was painfree still and numb from me bum down.....



This was the portable Xray machine they had to send down to theatre to Xray the break in me femur before they would move me from recovery back to the ward.....



This is Francis on the right and another chap in recovery, Francis was beaming when he saw me, he remembered me from last year LOL.... they are trying to put me leg in a PMM passive movement machine, they dont usually use one until a few days after a knee op, but cos of all the problems with lack of bend last year, they put me on it straight away, not 10 minutes out of surgery LOL....Jebus just look at me huge cankles lol - see all the blood in the tubes, I told ya I was a bit of a bleeder..... they collected my blood in a bag and when I needed a blood transfusion the following day, they just used my own blood.... talk about recycling lol....



Proof I was alive and kicking LOL no flatlining for me....



That just left Francis to put the end of me bed back on before they whisked me off back to me ward....... you can see me little name tag on the bedend LOL.... see his beaming face.... we giggled like 2 school kids for the whole hour I was in recovery LOL...

They took me back to me ward a little before 9pm.... I know it was that time cos just as they got me settled in and me morphine drip thingy inplace, The Apprentice programme came on the little telly high up on the wall.....

Do you know it was the strangest of things..... last year when I came back to the ward I was so very very poorly.... for 3 days, really out of it...... but this year, it was as if I had just popped out somewhere fore a coffee and a cake..... I was not drowsy or sick or light headed or in pain.... it was just so odd...... even the ward sister and the ward doctor couldnt believe how 'normal' I was LOL..... everyone did hush though so I could watch the programme I had kept on about all day LOL you see, I had watched this programme for weeks and those that know The Apprentice will know how it grabs ya by the short and curlies and I was so worried I was gonna miss it LOL and it being the last but on in the series LOL..... so I sat and watched the telly straight from recovery, they had fixed me up with me morphine drip....



One is in control of ones own morphine, its impossible to overdose though lol cos ya can only get a blast every 6 minutes...... it was funny to watch in the coming days as others bashed their machines and clicked the buttons lol hoping they could get more....

As the telly programme finished around 10pm..... me leg had been in the PMM since coming out of surgery, it was to stay on all night... what it does is automatically bends ya leg for you as it sits cradled in the machine.... what with that and the pumps on me feet which keep the circulation going to save blood clots, I was wondering how the hell I would sleep...... but do you know what, within 5 minutes of The Apprentice programme on the telly finishing, I was out for the count.... I think my body had just given up the ghost, it had been a long stressful hard day with many complications..... so when the nurse went down to the kitchens to find me some sarnies to munch on, cos I had not eaten now for 5 days LOL.... well, when she came back with them.... I was away with the fairys.... dead to the world........ and thats how I was until 7am the following morning, I was still dead to the world and they had to wake me up....... bloody hell...... how different from last year....

Lets just see what was to be forthcoming in the days ahead......

ok.... way way to much twaddle for anyone to read.... but, its just me diary for me lads, so I aint bovvered if anyone read it or not.......but if ya did, I hope the photos were not to gross, I actually have another 30 or so and it was hard to choose which one to put on here......

Tiz a little past 10.30pm now, and I have hospital transport picking me up at just gone 8am tomorrow, so I should think about bed I suppose..... just wish I had a morphine drip now LOL.....

x

Smiles Are Contagious......

Ok..... Well I spent a loverly couple of days back in hospital LOL.... I didnt feel to well on Wednesday, and even though a 'certain knobhead' referred to it as whining.... I truelly didnt feel to great.... and me knee was well swollen and hot and tender to touch and I was burning up.....

After chatting to me matie on the phone for a bit on Wednesday night not really remembering what we talked about, only remembering words of Stubborn and PigHeaded being thrown around lmfao.... I went to bed to awake the next day not really with it.... knowing I had to post a message to a knobhead on a certain blob sight, I then went back to bed..... lazy cow or what LOL..... well with no one here but me there was no need to get up and faff around..... well I awoke hours later with the phone ringing, but by the time I eventually got down the stairs it had stopped.... I replied to an email to a friend, for that I apoligies cos upon reading its back now it full of spelling mistakes and horrendous grammar, but please remember I had a temp of 103 and was not really in this world LOL....

The phone rang again and it was me physio to say he had sorted out the transport problems for the following day and he would see me then..... ok I said...... he asked if I was ok cos I sounded like poo (his words - charming aye LOL)... I went on to tell him actually I didnt feel to good and then explained about the swelling...... I remember hearing a huge intake of breath and I had visions of him shaking his head lol (people seem to do that alot around me lol)..... right, he said, Mel listen to me, I actually have a cancellation this afternoon so I will arrange transport and you can have that slot...... no Nick its ok, I dont feel up to it today, I'll stick with tomorrows appointment...... tough tittie he said, Im arranging it now.... be ready for 1.45 I MEAN IT....

Well when I get there thinking I was to have me physio and also thinking I dont know how Im gonna cope without passing out on the rower LOL he takes one look at me and said I looked like shit.... charming again right LOL.... Ive known this bloke for 6 years or so and he knows he has to talk to me a certain way lmfao..... well, the bloody trickster, I didnt have a physio appointment with him, he had made an appointment to see a consultant at the clinic cos he KNEW I was not well and wouldnt of gone meself without kicking and screaming lol...

So there and then they admitted me..... I cant I said, Ive got nuffin with me, no phone, no money, no bag, nuffin, me back door is open and me chickens are out and will miss me........ the consultant and young doctor just looked at me like I was deranged LOL.... I will put it down to the fever :).... but I was not given an option.....

So up to a ward with nuffin but what I was standing up in I went...... ya see, on Tuesday I was doing me exercises at home.... the wound on me leg is the biggest me physios have ever seen for a knee replacement, but they had to cut lower to dig the screws out from me acl/pcl reconstruction a few years back and then cut higher to fiddle around with the broken femur.... anyways, besides the 46 or so staples I had on the outside, apparently there was many stitches on the inside, and some of them had been put in a tad tight and had puckered and pulled the skin in making like big dimples.... well when I exercised I felt something tear inside and then part of me scar/wound opened up and began to seep....the tear I felt was some stitches either snapping or being pulled though the skin, it then felt right proper cold...... and that is where the problem started with infection lol...... but besides that apparently so they say I had a very high fever and was totally dehydrated LOL.....

So I spent a couple of days in the new hospital drugged up to the nines... with huge amounts of anti-biotics being pumped into a vein and fluids in another..... but now Im home...... well I had to come home to put me chickens away.... oh shut it, you dont understand.... I dont DO hospitals...

Things are looking good though right? lol..... I think the swelling is subsiding a little, and Im on anti-biotics so thats good right?.... me physio rings to check on me lol..... I do owe him a drink, I think he might of saved me from a fate worse then death....... dam this bloke reads me like a book lol.... he actually saved my life 6 years back, it was a very touch and go situation, so maybe I owe him a whole unopened bottle of drink LOL... and that is how he knows me like a book and knows how to talk to me to see sense, or how to trick me LOL

Ya see, cos Im prone to infection, remember last year... jebus.... sigh...... they will wait and see whats what on Tuesday (there was NO WAY I was staying in hospital until Tuesday).... and if things have not settled down to their satisfaction they will whip me in and open me up and have a good scrape around inside...... but, that aint gonna happen right? lol

I know I know, I should of listened to GoFigure's advice on Wednesday.....but alls well right lol..... and no I aint stubborn or pigheaded....... I just dont like making a fuss......

Im ok though, still smiling..... its just par for the course with me..... smooth aint a word in my life that seems to fit me LOL

Praise the lord for me sense of humour and friends that care.......... and praise the lord for smiling carrots...... hahahahahaha



I fixed me self something to eat..... I will admit I was feeling a little sorry for meself yesterday...... no one in the house but me.... (my Jacob was due home from camp that evening)...

I didnt want nuffin heavy to eat so I just steamed some veggies I found in the freezer.... which I LOVE with vinegar and mint sauce on.... oh shut it, its nice like that lol.....

I sat down at the table and looked at me food, and there smiling back at me was a happy little carrot lmfao....IT WAS A SIGN.... a bloody sign ... how can one not be moved by that happy little face.... everything is gonna be fine..... cos the carrot says so LMFAO....

and yes.... I did talk to him before I ate him.... he took one for the good of mankind LOL.... see, how low maintenance I am LOL..... see a little smiling carrot can make me so happy lmfao.... smiles ARE contagious..

Ok... enough Twaddle for an overcast Sunday morning......

ps - this was gonna be a tiny short post with just the photo and a few words, but you know me by now, right proper gobbie I am lol

WARNING - right proper gross photos in me next post.....

x

War And Peace (Oh Shut It GoFigure LOL) - Part II

Ok, Im a little pissed off this morning, they forgot to send hospital transport out for me and I really needed to be there today for Nick to give me his opinion..... ya see, Ive woken up with quite a high temperature and over night me knee/leg has swollen to twice its already very swollen size and its hot and red and stiff as a board....... but I thought, its ok, hospital transport will be be around 10ish, me appointment was 11... I waited and waited, it didnt arrive.... I rang Nick me physio and told him it aint come and I so needed to see him today cos I was a tad stiff.... and NO I didnt tell him the rest lol....he said there are no spaces the rest of the day for me to come in and me next appointment is Friday, well, I will just go along for that, to late to do anything about the missed one today, except Nick did ring the transport office and bollock them.....

So Ive dosed meself up with double the strong meds in the hope that things will settle until me Friday appointment...... so before they kick in I thought I would stop GoFigure nagging me and shove up a quick post... before me head explodes and the sweat pouring off me floods the keyboard LOL

So...... I woke the following morning on the ward of 24 patients, unlike last year though it was not filled to overflowing with little elderly people, yes there was a fair quota of them but there was almost many that was around my age.... some woman next to be had her bunions done and a hammer toe straightened out (remind me NEVER to have me little hammer toe straightened - I would not do that for love nor money after seeing the pain this woman was in) - there was a wrist problem in and the various hips and two partial knees, and down the other end there was some elbows, this is an orthopedic ward after all..... it was strange waking up semi normal, well normal for me, you know, still able to get out of bed etc.....

I hadnt slept much though, not knowing what today was gonna bring........they wouldnt let me have tea or breakfast - just incase, they said....

Well remember the loverly nurse Lisa..... around 10ish she came to see me, my heart was in my mouth as she sat on me bed, I thought she would tell me that I had to go home and go back on MrD's list..... this is the nurse that most of yesterday had laffed and joked with me and eating chocolates and teased me cos I hadnt eaten and was not allowed to eat, she had the most wonderful sense of humour and under all that she was the most caring compassionate beautiful person....

Right she said, Mel, Ive been in since 7 this morning and my shift did not start til 8.... I grabbed todays theatre lists from all the surgeons that are here today to see if there was any cancellations etc..... she said after an hour of trawling through pages and pages of lists she couldnt make head nor tail of it..... so at 8.30 she went to the 'surgeons lounge' which is where all the surgeons on duty that day gather to discuss things and have breakfast and tea/coffee.... she said she had never been in there before but my case had touched her so much LOL..... she said she stood in the middle of the lounge and asked for quiet and then spilled my story... she told everything, about me and my job and life and struggles.... (jebus christ what was I a charity case lol) and explained what had gone down yesterday and if there was any chance that someone anyone would take me on their list today, even though there were a few complications...... she pleaded me case well LOL

When this nurse spoke my name in the lounge one Surgeon Nigel L-Bottom piped up and said, oh my its Mel, I did her acl/plc reconstruction a few years ago and started her off on this knee replacement journey a couple of years back but handed her over to someone more in tune with new technology, and get this, apparently he went on to say (no wonder me ears were burning lol) she is one of the nicest most geniene patients I have ever had on me file or met in over 30 years, even when she is real poorly and in pain she will light up the ward and everyone around her, she can make even the frailest most frightened patient feel special and bring a smile to those that most need it, despite her own problems.... someone needs to take her on today.. I would add her to my list but she is to young for me to do, she needs to be back hiking etc and got endless promises last year with the other knee, she is to young to be just pottering around and hobbling through life, someone NEEDS to get her back to full strength....



She would hate this photo of her lol..... she is not only a nurse but she was the ward sister.... she truely is in the correct job...

Oh my God, I said to Lisa, he so didnt say that.... she said he bloody did, he had me in tears she said, cos I know that you know Nigel and I know that Nigel sees through your hard outside shell, just like I do.....

Lisa then also said in the lounge, Mel so needs a break, she has had the most horrendous couple of year with these ops.... come on.... with that MrC who is actually a higher consultant/surgeon then my MrD said.... Dave knows about this right? this, passing Mel onto someone else, Lisa said yep and he is hoping to ring around today and try and fix one of you up with her..... so apparently MrC says, give me half and hour to go over her notes cos now Im intrigued with the woman LOL....... within half an hour he was back and said OK if Dave is ok with this I'll put her on me list, BUT it will not be today cos its a little complicated, but she will definetely be on me list for tomorrow.... tell Mel I PROMISE...... Lisa said, please MrC dont make empty promises she has had them for years.... he said, my word is my word, unless the building catches fire, Mel will be on my list for tomorrow, I will juggle around my time slots and tomorrow we will see what we can do for her.....

Dam girl she says, your bloody famous LOL - her smile was huge, she said she had NEVER done anything like that before LOL faced all the top surgeons on their own ground.... but she said she remembered me from last year and all the good I had done to those on the ward even though I was so very poorly LOL.... I was smiling and tears flowing at the same time, someone actually really cared about me and me plight, she had tears rolling down her face to, both were tears of joy and she said when Nigel had started saying those things about me to the other surgeons she said she KNEW it was meant to be... she went way beyond the call of duty..... she is an angel....she was my angel....

So, says Lisa, you aint going home today, the bed is still yours, think of today as a little holiday, go wander around the grounds of this 250 year old military hospital, go sit in the sunshine with a book, go hobble down to the waters edge.... but DONT go home (not that I could even get home from there LOL).. so thats what I did..... I was scared cos I really didnt want this operations cos of last year, but I was excited cos I had no choice but to have it done if I wanted any resemblence of a life back..... and guess what, even though they said I had missed breakfast they said I could still have lunch and they would ring down and get me a sarnie bought up, but, I declined, wasnt going down the Auntie Morris/Bedpan trail after I can come so far, they was not happy BUT I had to promise to at least DRINK DRINK DRINK today....

Ya see, this military hospital was due to close in a few weeks time, its been a hospital for the military for 250 years, they use to row the casualties down the creek to the dock and into the hospital, in and around the corridors of the hospital are wonderful old photos of staff and patients etc..... and as I love history I LOVE this place.... so wander I did...... the main building is HUGE and is built with 4 sides around a quad in the middle.... it is a listed building which means it has to be preserved as historical interest..... its not until you truely have the time to wonder the many many acre site that you get to breath in the history of the place.... all around the edge of the sight are beautiful 200 year old houses where the top surgeons would of lived and the naval captains etc.... I do not know what will become of these buildings as many of those are also listed.... that means you can change the insides but NOT the outsides, I expect the main part which is HUGE and on 3 levels plus basement will be made into luxury flats on the inside but the outside will remain as its beautiful self....



Just look at this entrance.... beautiful..



And this plague for those that died in the great war, there were other plagues around the place with those that had died in other wars to....



There were so many interesting (to a history nut) plagues and things scattered around the place....



And of course our union jack in the little rose garden, again with plagues with meanings and thats the old bell off of something or other LOL....



This is the looking through the doors under the first carved main entrance into the building I was in, just see how deep the building is - look at those 250 year old quarry tile floors and if you look real close you can see the old iron tram lines that are embeded in the tiles, well old or what... I was in me element.... maybe my cancelled op was a sign to breath and take in all the history of this place...



I spent much of me day sitting in the sunshine reading me book, I never usually have time for that, just lazing around doing nuffin.... and much of the time I spend running/hobbling up and down in the lift getting things for patients from the little navi shop.... newspapers and extra drinks and sweets and stuff..... throw me arms in the air, what am I a bloody servant I exclaimed once LOL...... I sat with a real old little lady called Violet who was not allowed out of bed and who had asked me if I could go and buy her a paper, when I bought it back for her she said 'I dont know why I wanted it cos my sight is so bad I cant read it' LOL you daft cow I said... so I spent the best part of an hour sitting on the chair next to Violet reading her the daily news...... she kept taking hold of me hand and rambling on about different stuff, what is it with people and me that they seem to spill their life stories out to me lol..... I think the paper was just a ploy and she just wanted someone to hold her scared hand and to chat to......... gawds sake.... she said her family had visited but they had just talked amongst themselves as if she was not even there, she said they was only after her money if she died lol so I said she could leave it to me if she wished LOL..... she said I had chatted to her more in that hour and had made her smile then her family had bothered to talk to her on their visits.... I said, cut the bastards out of ya will Violet and leave anything ya have to the Cats Home..... with which she laffed so hard the top set of her teeth shot out and landed on the covers of her bed....... oh my goodness I almost piddled meself laffing as did she lmfao...... the nurses had to come and see what the fuss was about..... they to started laffing.... when she had stopped laffing she said, just because Im old and cant see to well, it dont mean Im not a person with feelings and she squeezed me hand.... good job she was as blind as a bat and couldnt see me tears.... I just wanted to scoop her up and take her home to live with me LOL.... I wonder if she is good at ironing lmfao....



This was Ally that just couldnt stop laffing LOL she remembers me not only from last year but from 5 years back when Nigel L-Bottom had done me acl/pcl reconstruction.... I had no idea out of the hundreds and hundreds of patients since, why she remembered me LOL

When Violet dozed off for a nap and everyone on the ward had worn me ragged with running back and forth to the Navi shop, I took me book again and went and sat outside in the sunshine to read me book.....



This is looking across to the upper ward where I was and across the inner quad, its very sheltered there cos its enclosed on all 4 sides, cos it can get right proper windy in the grounds cos the hospital is right on the seashore....

It was amazing to think of all the Sailors that would of been treated in this hospital over the last 250 years, when medicine and treatment was still in its infancy.. the pain and suffering and the not really knowing, and without the technology of nowadays.....



This is looking the other way, you can just see the beautiful ancient water tower, aint it just gorgeous.... obviously it aint no water tower now, not sure what they use it for, but its my the military security entrance just as you come onto the sight.... its quite outstanding....

I didnt eat lunch nor dinner that evening, just sips of water... I sat in the telly room whilst everyone else had their supper... thoughts rushing through me head about tomorrow, fears cos of last year..... I had idled about the day, what a lazy cow I was LOL.... I sat and watched telly til 1 in the morning, knowing I wouldnt sleep.....someone keep popping their head around the door just to check I was ok.. of course I was, not a drop of blood in sight LOL..... Lisa came and said she was off and was not in tomorrow and good luck and that she would be thinking of me and would be back in the following day, big hugs and tears all round.... she said 'your okay you are Mel, crazy and mad, but loving and caring and alright, I bet you dont let many people see that' .... oh shut ya mouth I said LOL Im well ard ;)....

I crawled into bed just gone 1am knowing the last night of tucking me knees up and sleeping all curled up like I usually do with me blankie lmfao I tossed and turned.....

Lets just see what happens tomorrow, surely something would crop up to put a stick in the works...... something will go wrong, cos after all..... it always does where Im concerned.....

But lets hope that tomorrow was not empty promises like last year, I could do this alone again, no hand to hold.... tomorrow might be the first day of getting my hiking legs back and getting my life back on track for ME..... I so wish I had had someone to snuggle up to that night.... my pillow was wet with tears.... but I knew there would be no one there to wipe them away......

Tomorrow...... lets see what cock up would happen tomorrow lol


Happy now GoFigure? LMFAO ;) Im burning up now and I think I might go to bed for a little while...

Ok, to much waffling Twaddle.........

Know you are loved.....

x