Tuesday, 24 July 2007

Im A Great Plumber - Sort Of - Maybe - NOT......

Ok......... guess what happened yesterday?......... yep, your right lol...... after a fortnight and 6 days, me new bloody washing machine turned up.......... ya see... last Tuesday exactly a fortnight after ordering a new one, the tossers rang me to say that in actual fact they didnt have the one I had actually ordered and if I would like to choose another from the catalogue they would put it on order......... WHAT...... I said.....hang on a minute, when I ordered it a fortnight ago you told me it was in stock, not only have you taken the dosh out of me bank account, Ive also paid for, and received a 5 year insurance breakdown policy on a machine you aint even got?....why has it taken you a fortnight to tell me it aint now in stock?....... I know, the woman said.....in that patronising voice.... YOU DONT KNOW NUFFIN, I said, and you DONT understand....... a fortnight with no machine and NOW you tell me you aint got the one you promised me would be delivered today...... just order another she said and in a another fortnight it will be delivered......... I DONT THINK SO MISSY....... ok...... debit me bank account back with the money you stole AND the breakdown cover dosh and I will go elsewhere....... thank you for your time NOT...... much more was in fact exchanged but I will NOT go into that LMFAO

So a week ago, I dragged Ellis, Sprite and scabbie Jack to Currys, which is a big electrical shop in town in one of those retail parks.....to say I had a 'monk on' is an understatement....... I walked into the shop up to the first 7kg load machine I saw that had a big sticker on it that read TAKE HOME TODAY........can I help you madam a woman said....... yep, I want that machine there please and can someone help me load it into the car (see what an easy shopper I am)....... but madam I havent told you what it does or any offers....... I dont care if it sings and dances..... its big, its white, it washes AND it says TAKE HOME TODAY........ but we do not have that one in stock.........

I think the people in the next shop could see the steam coming from me ears......lol

Breathe in....... Breathe out....... how I didnt grab her head and smash it against the fridgefreezer that was behind her I DONT KNOW........ so, why is that big TAKE HOME TODAY STICKER on it then? and the little advertising display about TAKING IT HOME TODAY plastered all over it? aye? aye?........ can you tell, I have been up to me eyes in 3 weeks worth of dirty washing from 4 sons lol......plus 3 weeks worth of changed bedding.....

So I peel the sticker off the machine and carefully take down the advertising display and hand them to the woman and say......... you can TAKE THAT HOME TODAY........smiling sweetly....... she just blank stared at me....... I think she knew it was more then her lifes was worth to question me lol.......

So I walk along the line of about 40-50 washing machines...... she is scurrying along behind me, mumbling things about which each machine does or doesnt do......... so I turn round and say........ does this machine here - pointing - have an integral MP3 player with video option and double scart plugs........ if you bare with me she said, I will find out.......... I REST ME CASE.......ya pay peanuts ya get monkeys.......

DSCF3653

This is me old machine, well I say old, it actually was only 2 years old......

Im an easy shopper when it comes to white goods........ I had only 4 musts....... It MUST be eco friendly - it MUST be white - it MUST be a 7kg-8kg load - it MUST wash :)...... see how easy I am....... so I pick one and am told that it will be delivered the following Monday...... which was YESTERDAY......wooooooo hooooooooo and it did arrive and the bloke did take out me old one and he did plumb in the new one, but he couldnt be bribed with biscuits, sex or coffee to stay and do the 15 loads of washing that sat in a pile about 10 foot high....... tosser........

DSCF3655

This is me new machine....... already on its 10 wash LOL...... just have all the bedding over the last 3 weeks to wash, thats 3 x 5 duvets plus 3 x 5 sheets and pillowcases LOL.....

At least he didnt get in a pickle like I did just 2 years ago when me broken machine was new and I had no one but me to plumb it in....... let me explain......... and you must believe me that every single word I am now going to type is the gods honest truth..... not one word of a lie........ I do not know why these things happen to me...... maybe its cos, I just have a go at stuff, sometimes without thinking it through proper LOL..... just sometimes, it would be nice to have a handy man around the place......

Let me explain..... about 2 years ago when the machine that has just died on me was brand spanking new, and was delivered with no installation blokie..... I thought..... well, how difficult can it be to swap over and plumb in the new machine...... its not like I had to cut pipes or stuff, cos surely it was just a straight forward swap over...... right?..... a doddle right?....... yep, I can do this...... surely its just unscrewing the red and blue water pipe thingies from the pipes on the wall, ya know, the ones that connect to the washing machine......

So I pull out the machine as best I can, which was a tad difficult cos its hard up against the dishwasher....... anyways, I wiggle it little by little out of the gap until I can squeeze behind and gain access to all the pipework....... jebus it was dusty behind there.... and I found a half chewed frog and crisps packets and 2 spoons, the head of an action man and 50p.......oh and a bouncy ball...

Ok, what you have to understand is that I dont have many 'man tools' in me house, but I did find a wrench thing under the sink that I could adjust to fit the screw thing on the pipes........ So I slowly began to unscrew the thing from the water pipes....... feeling well proud :)......

What I failed to realise and what no one told me (cos there was no one around lol) was that........ first of all, you have to disconnect the machine from the electric supply AND it is wise to actually turn the water supply off........ HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSE TO KNOW THAT..... I aint a bleedin plumber you know.....

So, as the screw thing loosened the water pressure shot the last bit undone and the water was squirting at such great force out of the pipes..... the pressure was so great it shoved me head back where it squirted me in the face...... holy shit...... what to do, what to do....... the water was squirting out so fast I was already drenched..... its like someone had turned the taps on full and had put a thumb over the end for added fun.........

Im semi stuck behind the washing machine under the counter and the kitchen floor is slowing flooding....... the water is squirting all over the plug sockets at the back of the machines........ which by the way was all still turned on lol...... they started to buzz and crackle and make well strange noises lol.......

Oh, bloody hell, now, I do know that water and electric are not a really good combination and water is a great conductor, cos Ive seen it on the telly, where someone is in the bath and the evil person throws an electrical appliance in the bath and frazzles the person whilst in mid sponging......

So I clamber out of the space soaking wet as the kitchen lights start to flicker and a burning smell is coming from the washing machine...... so I semi leap, well scuttle up onto the kitchen counter out of the water, my heart was pounding by now, cos I thought I was going to be electricuted.....the water is still gushing out up the back wall, all over the sockets........ everything was making a buzzing noise, by now I was a tad scared.... and as I was standing on the kitchen work top above the machine, I thought it best to leap across the gap to the other counter where the cooker is situation, that way I was not near the machine that was buzzing and I thought was gonna catch on fire........

Ok, what you have to understand is that I aint as agile as I use to be or as me minds eye thought I was.....remember this was 2 years ago before me knee was to dodgy..... so as I sort of stepped/jumped across the 3-4 foot gap to the other counter I sort of only just made it, so I grabbed the oven extractor hood that is screwed to the wall above me cooker hob - now what you have to understand is that its an extractor fan that I actually installed..... the problem being its only held on with 2 screws and not the 4 that its suppose to be screwed to the wall with, cos I couldnt actually find 4 screws when I put it up and thought that 2 screws would be enough....... how was I to know that now was the time that it could of done with having 4 screws, cos as I grabbed it, it pulled away from the wall and as I was hanging on to it for dear life it pulls the tiles off the wall behind it...... oh but such luck..... at least I was still on the kitchen counter...... just..... with that the electric blew in me house, and the lights went off and the radio in me kitchen, it made a sort of popping noise, like when a car back fires.......

DSCF3646

This is where the tiles are still missing, and you can just see the edge of the new extractor cooker fan :)....

My cat ambrose comes walking through the water at this moment and afraid for her safety I throw (from the kitchen counter where I was sitting) the wrench/spanner thing at her, well not at her, but in her direction, to try and scare her out the back door, I thought she was gonna get frazzle in the what I now thought was electrified flood water in me kitchen...... all the time the water is still squirting at great force out of the water pipes behind the washing machine....... thankfully the wrench missed Ambrose me cat, BUT went through the bottom payne of glass in the inner door to the back porch......... shit......

DSCF3654

This is where the glass is still missing, its actually still missing cos Im scared that if I try and chip out the old bits of glass and take the edging off, that I will probably break the rest of the panels or have the bleedin door off its hinges...... wow look at the state of the back boot room porch floor...... lol

So there I sat....... washing machine squirting water everywhere, me kitchen flooded, the extractor cooker hood hanging off the wall just by the air pipe thing that goes out a hole in the wall, me tiles all over me cooker hood, a broken sheet of glass where the wrench had smashed through it, all electrics blown...... to scared to move...... lol........ ok ok its well funny now when I think back, but 2 years ago, me attempt at washing machne plumbing skills didnt seem so funny.......

I sat there for about 10 minutes, water will pumping out the pipe in the wall, when I hear me front door knock..... so I shout as loud as I can....... ROUND THE BACK, COME ROUND THE BACK....... I shouted so loud that me face went red lol..... I heard the back gate open and saw Andy me neighbour 2 doors along walk pass the back kitchen window........ he came through the open back door with words of....... WHAT THE F*CK IS HAPPENING HERE...... he paddles through the water and takes one look at me perched on the kitchen counter, with the devastation all around...... and I just say...... I was trying to save money and plumb me machine in......... with that, the bastard..... just burst out laffing and laffing and laffing...... now thats not nice..... I was so close to tears LOL....... with that he disappears with words of STAY THERE MEL, and within 4 or so minutes the water stops pouring out the pipes and all becomes quiet....... he comes back around the back where by now I have ventured down into the flooded kitchen floor........ he had turned the water off in the street outside me house.....

He explained that there had been a powercut along the terrace and had come to see if our house also had a cut or if it was just his house and further along...... he also said, that now he could see why the whole street had lost its power LMFAO...... and that didnt I know that I should of turned the water tap outside in the street off, when plumbing in the machine, so that the water coming into the house was disconnected, and that I should of also turned the electrics off to the washing machine........ WELL, HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSE TO KNOW THAT......

So, I had me first and last attempt at plumbing that day 2 years ago..... that is why I left this new machine to the experts.......... but....... its always worth having a go at new things dont you think.........

And to this day, the little payne of glass is still not replaced and there is still one and a half tiles missing from just to the left of the cooker extractor fan...... I leave these as a reminded of that day....... I aint a dinlo ya know lol

Anyways, me washing machine has been going since 10.30 yesterday morning and still the back log of washing is yet to be finished........

So, if anyone has any little odd jobs around the house they would like me to 'have a go at' I wont charge :).....

I must tell you about the time 18 months ago when I replaced me gas cooker, now that was dangerous LMFAO.......

Way to much Twaddle this Tuesday morning........x

27 comments:

JBelle said...

First! Let's see: you wire light fixtures, mix cocktails, do the most lovely caligraphy ever, maintain a skull collection AND plumb washers. awesome!

Akelamalu said...

Ooooh I'm first up!

Marmie next time you do some DIY please get someone to film it, you could make a fortune off 'You've Been Framed'!! LOL

Can't wait to hear about the gas cooker!

It's a great feeling getting all the washing done - we've only been on holiday for 2 weeks but had 5 loads of washing!!

Akelamalu said...

PS I was first up when I started typing, but someone posted before me, Bah!

Ol' Lady said...

You should have cameras all over your place recordin all the time...it would be a real money maker for you!
Sorry I won't let you have a go at any of my DIY but I will offer you my services if ya want a hand.

susan said...

Oh my gosh. Marm, Marm Marm.....

This was all too funny. Ya know,those machines do come with installation instructions. There are also instructions on the internet. (ducking behind bed. waiting for wrench to be thrown at me)

I was going to say that installing the pane of glass would be easy, but I decided not to tell you that. You are not allowed under any circumstances to try and fix glass or anything electrical again. Do you understand me?

Geesh woman. You are too funny.

Today the air conditioner repairman is installing our new outside unit. The old one's compressor burned up because my son was not telling the truth about changing the filters. I think he was telling me yes he had changed them so he wouldn't get into trouble, and then thought to himself. "When mom leaves I'll change it real quick." But then he would forget. It is a pain in the butt to change the filters because the filter is in the attic unit and it is hard to get up there, plus if you wait too long in the day to get up there, the temperature in the attic is around 140 degrees Farenheight, and I am not exaggerating. I went up there the other day, and I thought I was going to pass out.

So anyway, I am a bit upset because five dollar filters a month are alot cheaper than the 1600 dollars I am going to have to pay today.

Kids!!!

B.R.M said...

Life is never dull at your house that is for sure.

ciara said...

((((mel anyones for a good plumber's crack))) what bloody dinlo doesn't know that you have to turn the water and electric off? lmao i bet that was a sight your neighbour andy walked into. i prob woulda been laughing and laughing as well. least it's never boring there! if u had my life, you might want want to do away w yourself! lol

OrdinaryShark said...

Marmy- Looks as if you were making a cat door for Ambrose, right? I'd stick with that story; tell 'em, "yeah, I thought the cats needed a door to go owt front so I took that opportunity to do a little construction." You're a bloody genius.

Jennifer said...

Oh the things that happen to you! Remember your toilet troubles? Well, I woke this morning to my own open tank. I thought of you right away...lol You can read about it on my blog...LOL You are truly the man of the house! Very impressed!

Ba Doozie said...

oh sweet mother of jezebel, that story is golden. I actually do feel bad for you that all happened though, can you star on a reality TV show?

Lynn said...

The gas cooker? Oh, Mel. I'm one to talk. I don't seem to get on with elecricity, but the story is just too bizarre to tell. It would sound like... lunacy.

I'm glad you left it to the experts, Mel. That could have been bad.

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((((JBelle))))~ lol such talent right? I THINK NOT lol I actually dont think I have one single thing Im any good at..... but I just have a bash at anything ONCE lol.......xxxxxx

~(((ake)))~ I would like just ONE DAY when life went normal...... I can pick me matie Ann up and go get petrol before we go do whatever with the kids and SOMETHING always happens in the petrol station.... and now our saying is........ IT STARTED AT THE GARAGE lol..... the bloke in their last week said, and I quote 'you two make me laff every week, I watch you on the tv monitor, its like some comedy show' LOL.......xxxxxxx

~(((ol lady))))~ sending you an aeroplane ticket and board and lodgings for exchange for odd jobs around the house lol......

Do you know, I bought a 'tool bag' with the idea of buying a tool when out every so often..... I drove me maties mental though, cos everytime we was in a shop I would drag them down the tool aisle and say things like 'oh look a router, do I need one of those in me bag?' or 'oh my aint that a pretty tool? do I need a welding torch?' lol so now when we are in a shop and get to the tool aisle they always shout load..... NO NO NO dont even think about it lol.......xxxxxx

~((((Susan)))~ you had better duck LMFAO....

Susan, the last time I tried to replace a pane of glass when I had the old wooden windows with little squares, somehow I broke all the panes around the pane I was trying to replace LMFAO......

OMG at your lad...... dam and bugger...... kids aye...... its like my Tom on Sunday, before the new washer came on monday, he decided to wash his work clothes in he bath and then proceeded to shove them SOAKING DRIPPING WET into the tumble drier..... little known to me......... an hour later, I could smell (even through me bloked up nose) a burning smell.... it was coming from the tumble drier, so I opened the door and with tonges pulled out the trousers and work tops, still dripping and steaming, like thomas the tank engine....... he hadnt even wrung any of the water out, so consequently burnt out the air heater in the tumble drier......so now this week I have to go and buy a new a new tumble drier.....Ive told him he has to go halves on it.... but thats no way near as expensive at your air conditioning....... and I usually use the washing line BUT have you seen our shit weather LOL.........xxxxxxxxxxx

~((((brm))))~ sometimes I CRAVE dull...lol....xxxxxxx

~((((ciara with a builders crack that she shows at every opportunity))))~ hey, hey, I thought as long as it was not actually working it would be ok lol AND in my defense I THOUGHT that the pipe thingy would have a one way cut off valve thingie... did that sound like I knew what I was talking about? lol.....

Andy me neighbour 2 doors along is always shaking his head at me LOL..... and scratching his head when I tell him what Ive been up to..... he does NOT let me mind his children LMFAO......swapping my life for yours for a week and watching you think twice about topping yourself LMFAO...... if you do....... can I have your husband? lol.......xxxxxxxxx

~(((((((((Sharkie))))))))))~ DONT BE A DINLO..... thats an internal door to the back inside porch lol now the cat flat, thats another story LMFAO.......YOU DONT WANNA KNOW :) - and hey, Im a bloody genius anyways *HA NOT.......xxxxx

~((((jennifer)))))~ oh thats nice lol you see poo and you think of me, well fanks a bunch matie LMFAO...... and just cos Im sporting a beard this week and a hairy back DONT make me the man of the house :)......xxxxxx

~((((Ba Doozie)))))~ hehehehe.... me and me mad maties did apply for this survival telly programme, where they take 4 people from the same profession and wit them against another couple of teams, surviving in some jungle with limited food etc...... oh my the fun we had working out who would be responible for what, we were so sure we would be choosen lol alas not :)...... but jebus, did we laff sussing out stuff......and hey.... one has to just laff at the shit I get meself into, or I would be crying all the time LOL.....xxxxxx

~((((lynn)))))~ the cooker Im afraid I didnt leave to the experts LOL...... and nearly blew me house up..... the gas company were not very happy with me....... but then the man in the shop shouldnt of said it was easy to swap from the old cooker to the new, how was I to know that the gas pipe would not reach and that it was not a good idea to try and bend it to fit LMFAO.........

I wanna hear YOUR story :)..... some on, spill the beans lol.....xxxxxxxxx

susan said...

We normally have horrible weather in the summer. In the spring all kinds of green stuff grows out of the ground, but in the summer we have swealtering heat and drought, so all the grass and plants in the fields just wither up and look like hay. BUT this summer we are having rain for a few days and sun for a few days and mild summer temperatures. I know that it is unfair. For us to have a nice summer, it seems every one else has to have a terrible summer. It would be nice if it could be nice for everyone.

Comet said...

so ur suppos to change sheets? What will u brits think of next? Is Peanut really a monkey?

MarmiteToasty said...

(((((Susan)))) I dont do to hot..... but, jebus this over here is just unbelievable....

last summer we had the hottest july/august on record..... it was almost unbareable to us softie limey skinned brits... and then this April was the hottest April ever recorded....... and then that was it, that was our summer, condensed into April, cos this morning on the news on the radio I heard that the past 3 months has been the worst british weather for the time of year since records began in 1766..... and no promise of it changing in the foreseeable future....... I might have to pack up and fly out to the states in hunt of sunshine........ xxxxxxx

~(((((comet)))))~ yep, one cant wallow in crispy sheets lol........ sometimes I change the sheets and duvets twice a week :).... more then I change me underwear lol......xx

cookieboy said...

OMG!!! cleanin the coffee off the monitor and wipin my eyes!!! i can't read Twaddle at work anymore...everyone thinks I'm bonkers cause I'm laffin so hard!!! God Mel, you couldn't POSSIBLY make up anything this funny! You are SUCH A JOY!!!!! I know it wasn't funny at all when it was happening...but my Lord woman, you have a WONDERFUL way with the written word!

God I love ya Mel! xoxoxoxoxo
You make me smile so much!

cookie

Scots said...

Marm babe

I was just thinking that I needed a plumber for some kitchen work that I need doing .... but I'll go to the Yellow Pages babes .... no fear!

I don't get along with electricity! Well ... I have brains but no common sense at all. The bulb went out in the lamp, I thought "hmmm there must be dust or something in between the connections" ... took the bulb out and put my finger in PMSL ... my heart raced, the electricity went pop and I shot over the room ... god I thought I was a gonner! I was 22 at the time ... oh the shame!

Dr.John said...

Nobody can top your stories.

Ol' Lady said...

eh? I just got back from checkin my post box (something about that just don't sound right?) I didn't find no tickie :(
*no tickie no laundri*

MarmiteToasty said...

~((((((Cookieboy)))))))~ wanna swap shoes for a while with me lol...... and STOP laffing at me life will ya.......

love ya to ((((((Cookieboy)))))) fanks for being you... xxxx

~(((dr john))))~ wondering if thats a compliment :).......xxxx

~(((ol)))~ what you on about you daft cow????.....xxxxx

MarmiteToasty said...

~((((Scottie))))~ oopps missed ya...... STEP AWAY FROM THE ELECTRICS lol....... when I first bought this house back in 1981 it was all but falling down, there was a wire dangling from the old ceiling in the bathroom..... so me thinks it cant possibly be a live wire NOT in a bathroom...... so I grabbed it to see if I could pull it through the ceiling LMFAO....... it shot me out the bathroom door and onto the landing..... it scorched all the hairs on arms and back LMFAO.......

note to self, do not let scottie near me electrics......xxxxxxx

Ol' Lady said...

you said you would send me a aeroplane ticket...where is it?

green libertarian said...

Dr.John said...

Nobody can top your stories.

26 July 2007 22:02


EXACTAMUNDO!
Oh my god Marmite, I laughed SO hard.

I do think, no shut-up, you write the funniest stuff I've ever seen.
And that provides much joy to many.
I always knew that, actually. Well, for a very long time, anyway.
happy laundering.
:)

MarmiteToasty said...

~((ol lady))~ dam woman, do you mean it aint arrived? well sod your thieving bloody postmen :).... xxxxx

~((((((((MrGreen))))))))~ dont be so bloody daft ....... and hey..... EXACTAMUNDO..... I had to have someone translate that for me on the phone this evening.... I thought you was typing spanish to me LOL and read it as ex actam undo.... did I feel like a bloody dinlo or what..... and hush will ya.......xxxxx

Corinna said...

This is great info to know.

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((corninna)))~ thats me, full of important information, dont call a plumber CALL ME lmfao...xxxxx

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