Im A Great Plumber - Sort Of - Maybe - NOT......

Ok......... guess what happened yesterday?......... yep, your right lol...... after a fortnight and 6 days, me new bloody washing machine turned up.......... ya see... last Tuesday exactly a fortnight after ordering a new one, the tossers rang me to say that in actual fact they didnt have the one I had actually ordered and if I would like to choose another from the catalogue they would put it on order......... WHAT...... I said.....hang on a minute, when I ordered it a fortnight ago you told me it was in stock, not only have you taken the dosh out of me bank account, Ive also paid for, and received a 5 year insurance breakdown policy on a machine you aint even got?....why has it taken you a fortnight to tell me it aint now in stock?....... I know, the woman said.....in that patronising voice.... YOU DONT KNOW NUFFIN, I said, and you DONT understand....... a fortnight with no machine and NOW you tell me you aint got the one you promised me would be delivered today...... just order another she said and in a another fortnight it will be delivered......... I DONT THINK SO MISSY....... ok...... debit me bank account back with the money you stole AND the breakdown cover dosh and I will go elsewhere....... thank you for your time NOT...... much more was in fact exchanged but I will NOT go into that LMFAO

So a week ago, I dragged Ellis, Sprite and scabbie Jack to Currys, which is a big electrical shop in town in one of those retail parks.....to say I had a 'monk on' is an understatement....... I walked into the shop up to the first 7kg load machine I saw that had a big sticker on it that read TAKE HOME TODAY........can I help you madam a woman said....... yep, I want that machine there please and can someone help me load it into the car (see what an easy shopper I am)....... but madam I havent told you what it does or any offers....... I dont care if it sings and dances..... its big, its white, it washes AND it says TAKE HOME TODAY........ but we do not have that one in stock.........

I think the people in the next shop could see the steam coming from me ears......lol

Breathe in....... Breathe out....... how I didnt grab her head and smash it against the fridgefreezer that was behind her I DONT KNOW........ so, why is that big TAKE HOME TODAY STICKER on it then? and the little advertising display about TAKING IT HOME TODAY plastered all over it? aye? aye?........ can you tell, I have been up to me eyes in 3 weeks worth of dirty washing from 4 sons lol......plus 3 weeks worth of changed bedding.....

So I peel the sticker off the machine and carefully take down the advertising display and hand them to the woman and say......... you can TAKE THAT HOME TODAY........smiling sweetly....... she just blank stared at me....... I think she knew it was more then her lifes was worth to question me lol.......

So I walk along the line of about 40-50 washing machines...... she is scurrying along behind me, mumbling things about which each machine does or doesnt do......... so I turn round and say........ does this machine here - pointing - have an integral MP3 player with video option and double scart plugs........ if you bare with me she said, I will find out.......... I REST ME CASE.......ya pay peanuts ya get monkeys.......



This is me old machine, well I say old, it actually was only 2 years old......

Im an easy shopper when it comes to white goods........ I had only 4 musts....... It MUST be eco friendly - it MUST be white - it MUST be a 7kg-8kg load - it MUST wash :)...... see how easy I am....... so I pick one and am told that it will be delivered the following Monday...... which was YESTERDAY......wooooooo hooooooooo and it did arrive and the bloke did take out me old one and he did plumb in the new one, but he couldnt be bribed with biscuits, sex or coffee to stay and do the 15 loads of washing that sat in a pile about 10 foot high....... tosser........



This is me new machine....... already on its 10 wash LOL...... just have all the bedding over the last 3 weeks to wash, thats 3 x 5 duvets plus 3 x 5 sheets and pillowcases LOL.....

At least he didnt get in a pickle like I did just 2 years ago when me broken machine was new and I had no one but me to plumb it in....... let me explain......... and you must believe me that every single word I am now going to type is the gods honest truth..... not one word of a lie........ I do not know why these things happen to me...... maybe its cos, I just have a go at stuff, sometimes without thinking it through proper LOL..... just sometimes, it would be nice to have a handy man around the place......

Let me explain..... about 2 years ago when the machine that has just died on me was brand spanking new, and was delivered with no installation blokie..... I thought..... well, how difficult can it be to swap over and plumb in the new machine...... its not like I had to cut pipes or stuff, cos surely it was just a straight forward swap over...... right?..... a doddle right?....... yep, I can do this...... surely its just unscrewing the red and blue water pipe thingies from the pipes on the wall, ya know, the ones that connect to the washing machine......

So I pull out the machine as best I can, which was a tad difficult cos its hard up against the dishwasher....... anyways, I wiggle it little by little out of the gap until I can squeeze behind and gain access to all the pipework....... jebus it was dusty behind there.... and I found a half chewed frog and crisps packets and 2 spoons, the head of an action man and 50p.......oh and a bouncy ball...

Ok, what you have to understand is that I dont have many 'man tools' in me house, but I did find a wrench thing under the sink that I could adjust to fit the screw thing on the pipes........ So I slowly began to unscrew the thing from the water pipes....... feeling well proud :)......

What I failed to realise and what no one told me (cos there was no one around lol) was that........ first of all, you have to disconnect the machine from the electric supply AND it is wise to actually turn the water supply off........ HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSE TO KNOW THAT..... I aint a bleedin plumber you know.....

So, as the screw thing loosened the water pressure shot the last bit undone and the water was squirting at such great force out of the pipes..... the pressure was so great it shoved me head back where it squirted me in the face...... holy shit...... what to do, what to do....... the water was squirting out so fast I was already drenched..... its like someone had turned the taps on full and had put a thumb over the end for added fun.........

Im semi stuck behind the washing machine under the counter and the kitchen floor is slowing flooding....... the water is squirting all over the plug sockets at the back of the machines........ which by the way was all still turned on lol...... they started to buzz and crackle and make well strange noises lol.......

Oh, bloody hell, now, I do know that water and electric are not a really good combination and water is a great conductor, cos Ive seen it on the telly, where someone is in the bath and the evil person throws an electrical appliance in the bath and frazzles the person whilst in mid sponging......

So I clamber out of the space soaking wet as the kitchen lights start to flicker and a burning smell is coming from the washing machine...... so I semi leap, well scuttle up onto the kitchen counter out of the water, my heart was pounding by now, cos I thought I was going to be electricuted.....the water is still gushing out up the back wall, all over the sockets........ everything was making a buzzing noise, by now I was a tad scared.... and as I was standing on the kitchen work top above the machine, I thought it best to leap across the gap to the other counter where the cooker is situation, that way I was not near the machine that was buzzing and I thought was gonna catch on fire........

Ok, what you have to understand is that I aint as agile as I use to be or as me minds eye thought I was.....remember this was 2 years ago before me knee was to dodgy..... so as I sort of stepped/jumped across the 3-4 foot gap to the other counter I sort of only just made it, so I grabbed the oven extractor hood that is screwed to the wall above me cooker hob - now what you have to understand is that its an extractor fan that I actually installed..... the problem being its only held on with 2 screws and not the 4 that its suppose to be screwed to the wall with, cos I couldnt actually find 4 screws when I put it up and thought that 2 screws would be enough....... how was I to know that now was the time that it could of done with having 4 screws, cos as I grabbed it, it pulled away from the wall and as I was hanging on to it for dear life it pulls the tiles off the wall behind it...... oh but such luck..... at least I was still on the kitchen counter...... just..... with that the electric blew in me house, and the lights went off and the radio in me kitchen, it made a sort of popping noise, like when a car back fires.......



This is where the tiles are still missing, and you can just see the edge of the new extractor cooker fan :)....

My cat ambrose comes walking through the water at this moment and afraid for her safety I throw (from the kitchen counter where I was sitting) the wrench/spanner thing at her, well not at her, but in her direction, to try and scare her out the back door, I thought she was gonna get frazzle in the what I now thought was electrified flood water in me kitchen...... all the time the water is still squirting at great force out of the water pipes behind the washing machine....... thankfully the wrench missed Ambrose me cat, BUT went through the bottom payne of glass in the inner door to the back porch......... shit......



This is where the glass is still missing, its actually still missing cos Im scared that if I try and chip out the old bits of glass and take the edging off, that I will probably break the rest of the panels or have the bleedin door off its hinges...... wow look at the state of the back boot room porch floor...... lol

So there I sat....... washing machine squirting water everywhere, me kitchen flooded, the extractor cooker hood hanging off the wall just by the air pipe thing that goes out a hole in the wall, me tiles all over me cooker hood, a broken sheet of glass where the wrench had smashed through it, all electrics blown...... to scared to move...... lol........ ok ok its well funny now when I think back, but 2 years ago, me attempt at washing machne plumbing skills didnt seem so funny.......

I sat there for about 10 minutes, water will pumping out the pipe in the wall, when I hear me front door knock..... so I shout as loud as I can....... ROUND THE BACK, COME ROUND THE BACK....... I shouted so loud that me face went red lol..... I heard the back gate open and saw Andy me neighbour 2 doors along walk pass the back kitchen window........ he came through the open back door with words of....... WHAT THE F*CK IS HAPPENING HERE...... he paddles through the water and takes one look at me perched on the kitchen counter, with the devastation all around...... and I just say...... I was trying to save money and plumb me machine in......... with that, the bastard..... just burst out laffing and laffing and laffing...... now thats not nice..... I was so close to tears LOL....... with that he disappears with words of STAY THERE MEL, and within 4 or so minutes the water stops pouring out the pipes and all becomes quiet....... he comes back around the back where by now I have ventured down into the flooded kitchen floor........ he had turned the water off in the street outside me house.....

He explained that there had been a powercut along the terrace and had come to see if our house also had a cut or if it was just his house and further along...... he also said, that now he could see why the whole street had lost its power LMFAO...... and that didnt I know that I should of turned the water tap outside in the street off, when plumbing in the machine, so that the water coming into the house was disconnected, and that I should of also turned the electrics off to the washing machine........ WELL, HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSE TO KNOW THAT......

So, I had me first and last attempt at plumbing that day 2 years ago..... that is why I left this new machine to the experts.......... but....... its always worth having a go at new things dont you think.........

And to this day, the little payne of glass is still not replaced and there is still one and a half tiles missing from just to the left of the cooker extractor fan...... I leave these as a reminded of that day....... I aint a dinlo ya know lol

Anyways, me washing machine has been going since 10.30 yesterday morning and still the back log of washing is yet to be finished........

So, if anyone has any little odd jobs around the house they would like me to 'have a go at' I wont charge :).....

I must tell you about the time 18 months ago when I replaced me gas cooker, now that was dangerous LMFAO.......

Way to much Twaddle this Tuesday morning........x