Monday, 10 March 2008

Me Neighbour Loves Me.... NOT..... I Aint Bovvered

Ok......So, I went to bed last night with the words 'Severe Weather Warnings' ringing in me ears...... we had been told on the late night news to batten down the hatches and only venture out if needs must...... yesterday was torrential rain one minute then clear bright sunshine the next, but one could see the clouds building and that they were a strange colour.....

Winds expected to reach at least 80 miles an hour, oh goodie that makes for a lovely walk to school lol......

I woke up a few times in the night with the wind howling, and seeing as how its dustbin day today, I could hear some of the bins being blown down the lane... it really was whipping up a storm....

Woke up this morning and turned on the news..... trees are down, as are many power lines, at Heathrow all aeroplanes are grounded and all Ferries are haboured against the storm and this is just the tip.... worse to come today.... the south coast is to get the worse of the storm this afternoon and into the evening....and where do I live? aye? yep South Coast lol

So, I dragged me tired arse out of bed and bunged the kettle on for a nice cuppa tea.... opened the back door to wander down the garden to let Janet and Mabel out of their Coop..... to be confronted by this......



Cripes...... I know the fence was on its last legs cos in the week it was wellabit wobbly......

What these pictures dont show are the very high winds that I was battling against...and the torrential rain that got me wet through to me knickers...



Since I took this photo this morning the fence is almost on the ground, and one fence panel down the bottom of the garden has disappeared completely lmfao

Can we say KANSAS and the Wizard of Oz....

So, I stand there with me cuppa tea in hand when me twat neighbour wanders down his garden and is standing the other side..... these are the same fence panels that were broken a few years ago.... I dont know if you remember me post.... when I chainsawed me apple tree down and it crashed through this fence lol.....

Its HERE

So, most know I dont have much of a loving huggy kissy relationship with me neighbour... actually he is an up his own arse full of self importance tosser lol and thats being nice :)

Our eyes meet over the broken fence.... so I says..... go on blame me, it must of been all the lentils Ive been eating cos me windy pops sure are strong, even strong enough to blow and snap the fence posts.....



ya know, I thought I'd start the conversation off on a light note lol....

Well he hates me with a passion and I dislike him with as much passion and from the beginning we thought it best not to beat about the bush and pretend that all was rosie and loving.... we just dislike each other... and thats that lol....

Him - Is this the side of the property line that Im responsible for...

Me - Yep, thats a bit of a bummer aint it....

Him - but didnt you replace these a few years ago, so that means YOUR responsible for this side....

Me - I only replaced them cos it was my apple tree that fell though them before and so I was just being nice, cos it nearly killed ya wifey and I can be nice ya know.....

Him - Ok, I'll go and get a couple of cheap panels and some cheap posts and those metal ground spikes and I'll shove that up....

Me - I would much prefer if you didnt go down the 'cheap road' cos it will look aweful and of course it just wont last....and those spikes are crap and the fence will still be wobbly and cos of my job I have to have a secure garden, oh and this side I need kick boards along the bottom, cos your garden it higher and ya soil rots the panels, thats probably half the trouble.... *smile* so I could have a word with me Matie Simon who is a proper fence blokie and get him to give a quote...

Him - I dont know if I want to spend much doing the fence....

Me - Well, I know what, dont bovver and I'll do it.....

Him - okay...if your sure...

Me - Yep, I'll get me matie Simon to take this all away and I'll get him to put up a cute little white 3 foot picket fence, Ive always wanted on of those....

Him - You cant have a low picket fence there, all your minded kids will be able to see through....and your chickens will get over into my garden...

Me - Oh yes, wont it be lovely, they can watch you in your garden and when you have a BBQ with all your friends and family we can put chairs up this side and watch you like a freak show....

Him - You are extrely rude...

Me - I aint said one swear word, Im just explaining that I dont want a cheap and cheerful fence put up to replace this one....so Im willing to fork out the money and put up a cute white little picket fence, I could put a little gate in so that we could join you for your BBQs....

Him - You dont like me do you....

Me - I dont know where you got that idea from, but now you mention it... nope I dont....

With that Mrs Twatt wanders down the garden.... I only have to look at her and I can reduce her to tears LOL...... she is a headmistress of a very private girls school, so ya thought she would be in control..... but I can do this 'dont mess with me stare'.... good morning she says..... oh my, what a pickle....

Me - Yes it is, but dont worry, Im on the case, I'll ring Simon and before the weekend I'll have a lovely strong nice 3 foot high white picket fence and gate up....

Her - A picket fence and a gate?

Me - Yes, wont it be nice, it means I can just pop over and borrow a cup of sugar and the nippers can all come and visit and it will just be so lovely to get to you know you better....

Her - Staring at her hubby, trying not to make eye contact with me.....

Him - I think if your mate Simon can give us a quote for a proper solid 6 foot high decent fence and posts and do the graft and put them in, I would be most grateful.....and get him to bill me....

Me - I'll ring him today, but only if your sure you dont want a little cute white picket fence with a gate?

Her - I think we are through here.....

Me - Have a lovely day *my charming smile*

WHAT A BUNCH OF TOSSERS lol......


So Ive just got off the phone to Simon...... I rang him and this is the convo....

Me - (SHOUTING) - Simon, its me Melody, Im up a tree in the eye of the storm hanging on for dear life, help me, Ive tied meself to the trunk cos the winds are so strong.....

Simon - (laffing) - you silly cow, what do ya want...

So I explained and he laffed and he is coming around about 5ish to measure up and give a quote :).....

Ya see, I was real nice, cos I told me twat neighbour that even though I was NOT responsible for the fence, that I would infact go halves on the cost as long as it was done proper......

So..... I explained this to Simon and he said he would put the quote high so that when it was halfed he wouldnt charge me my half LMFAO..... so infact the nice proper fence will cost me nuffin BUT it made me look good in the eyes of me twat neighbour LMFAO.....

And poor Janet and Mabel have not had the run of me garden today but have just had their little enclosed outside run to their coop.... I dont want them getting over the broken fence and pooping in me neighbours garden, I would never hear the end of it LOL

Ok to much waffling twaddle on this stormy windy scary day.....

x

29 comments:

JBelle said...

You know, in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, we had an expression for someting that was so small, so triffling, so insignificant as to not be counted and that was "chicken shi*t". What kind of a big deal could it be if the girls went over to the neighbors and inadventently, did what girls do sometimes? :9

ciara said...

((((mel and anyone's for a bit of wind up ya knickers)))) tosser, ass, and a number of expletives is what your neighbor is. i hate people like that...so miserable w their measly existence that they make everyone else miserable as well. i would have LOVED to see you reduce mrs. twat to tears lol

Pixie said...

Your life would make a great TV show, Marmie! Gina Bellman or Patricia Routledge to best portray you? Hmmm... not sure...

I had a similar neighbor who used to stand at the part of the property line where there was no fence and pick up each fallen leaf one by one from his lawn and place it on my side of the line (he had no trees in his yard.) The neighborhood kids always said that he kept pans of antifreeze under his deck to kill any small animals that dared to wander that way. He was (and I'm sure still is) a nasty, nasty man.

Casdok said...

Pixie - i was thinking tv show too!

Akelamalu said...

We have a neighbour like that! We had all new fencing put up and it never cost them a penny. They then had the cheek to ask for the rotten old back door back that they'd been using to block a hole in the old fence! Ungrateful or what?

Jen said...

Quick thinking! I never think of things like that until it's too late. Thanks for the laugh.

Katrina said...

How frustrating! According to the old adage, "good fences make good neighbors," so he shouldn't skimp on the job! I do wish I had been a secret witness to that conversation (although I'm not sure I could have kept from laughing and giving myself away!)

buffalodickdy said...

In the USA we say "Good fences make good neighbors"... Quite a storm you had there! I guess no matter where you live, sh*t happens...

Maggie May said...

Quite a storm! Are you sure you don't live next door but one to me! 'Cos those neighbours sound just like mine next door, but she chops down things to the ground to annoy!

Mr. Fabulous said...

Wow...I love it when you talk about your wet knickers...

ChrisB said...

Brilliantly told~ glad you had the last laugh (over the cost)!

Patty said...

your wind sounds like Texas wind. We are in the process of dealing with neighbors that have us pricing at least 6 ft privacy fencing. I am begining to think living way far out in no-wheres land with no neighbors might be nice

Bina said...

You are just so funny! You have to post more so I can laugh more. I can just see you standing out there, that conversation going on, and the neighbor and his wife getting the shite scared out of them! Too bad you didn't take a picture of their faces!!!!!

Mom not Mum said...

Ugh I hope the wind doesn't blow our fence over because I don't want to be attacked by the neighbors ferocious dog. Hmm should I spell it neighbours since I'm writing on YOUR blog? Eh, nah!

Kati said...

*Snort* Gods, Toasty, you ARE evil sometimes!!! Then again, sounds like your neighbour deserves it!

Hey, can I get your email??? I've got an email of animal pics from my mom that includes a great one of two moose "kissing" that I just know you'd love. However, I can't post it on my blog like I'd hoped. So, if you're ok with it, I'll email you the whole bit. Mine is katlynn underscore tay at yahoo dot com.

Inland Empire Girl said...

Again, I wish we lived closer. I could just donate that green picket fence we picked up at a second hand store to put up for the time being... just so you could be more "neighborly" . lol

MarmiteToasty said...

~((((JBelle))))~ the name oeur d'Alene just sounds sooooooo exotic to me :) - chicken shit over here means scaredy cat.... :) - if the girls went over his garden he would open the back gate and let them escape... :( he is a meany so I have to get him with words cos it knocks him flat LOL....xxxxxx

~((((ciara anyones for a storm in a teacup)))))~ yep I dont like neighbours lol can you tell, actually thats I lie, I like me other neighbours but the house next door just seems to always for 20 or so years had tosser neighbours LOL....xxxxxx

~(((((pixie))))~ I dont think me life would interest anyone lol....LOL@your leaf neighbour lmfao.... ps, I aint never heard of those people you mention :)....xxxxx

~(((((casdok))))~ you stop it LOL..xxxxx

~(((((ake))))~ you should of shoved the door through their front window lol....xxxxx

~((((jen))))~ I will admit I am quite quick with me words, someone just has to say something and my brain already has an answer lol...xxxxx

~((((katrina)))))~ sometimes in situations when I HAVE to reply at certain times, a matie is just out of view and I have to struggle with not laffing :)....xxxxx

~(((((buffalo))))~ yep its been well windy :)... just glad I dont live in town where they have had flooding along the seafront.....xxxxxx

~((((maggie may))))~ this neighbour is just a pratt and Ive already told him that the ucaliptis (sp) tree HAS to go cos its is smack bang against the fence and didnt help in the situation..... xxxxx

~((((MrFab)))~ bowing in your presence :) - yeah these wet knickers were not the juicy good kinda wet knickers though lol....xxxxxxxx

~(((((patty))))~ welcome.... ya know what, I would dearly LOVE to live in the middle of nowhere, I LOVE people I just dont like neighbours lol.....xxxx

~((((bina))))~ oh I did raise me camera to them and asked them to smile and he said and I quote 'I will wipe that smile off your face if you take that' LMFAO......those words have never stopped me before though, so I must of had a brain blimp lol - I will try and get one as the fence gets replaced cos he is sure to oversee it LOL....xxxxx

~(((MnM)))~ :) my blob but your comment lol..... I dont do scarey dogs and if it lived next door to me it would 'disappear' like the neighbours rabbit did one year ;) wink wink lol....xxxxx

~((((kati))))~ Evil is me middle name but I aint bovvered, most know NOT to mess with me unfairly :)..... ooh I would LOVE to see the photos......

marmitetoasty@yahoo.com

fanks matie....xxxxxx

~((((InlandEmpireGirl))))~ LMFAO..... I did ask Simon who is gonna 'do' the fence if he had some old rotten low fence that he could shove up for the time being lol he is working on it lol cos he cant do the fence til next week so he has just propped it up for now.... you watch it fall on me and kill me in the week LMFAO.....I have such a passion for picket fences..... one day aye....sigh....xxxxxxxx

MarmiteToasty said...

oops ~(((((((Crispy)))))~ yep, I will have the last laff when Simons quote comes in LMFAO....xxxxx

In_spired said...

" it means I can just pop over and borrow a cup of sugar and the nippers can all come and visit and it will just be so lovely to get to you know you better...."

Love it! Love It! I'm still laughing!!

Bina said...

You are so funny! You asked if he wanted you to look at the pile!!!!! I can only imagine the look of horror on his face!

I've raised my two boys the same way. Always talking about sex and protection. When they come home and tell me someone else at school was pregnant, I would say, "you know why, right?" And they would just huff and say, "Yes mom, the boy didn't use a condom."

Zach is actually my step-son, and I'm not allowed to have any say in what he does or doesn't do because "he's my son, I think I know him better than you do!"

Ya, it's really the only thing we fight about. Kids.

Dumdad said...

Are you sure your neighbours don't read your blog? If they do, they might object to Simon's quote!

Mima said...

Thanks for coming over to visit! What a nightmare, the storm has done so much damage all over the place, we have been really lucky, my daffs have suffered but other than that we have been ok.

Cindy said...

Before I went to any BBQ that bozo hosted, I'd be looking to see where Mabel and Janet are.

Akelamalu said...

Believe me I thought about it Marmie, but I was about to shove it up his a*se not through his window!

Lora said...

Kansas and the Wizard of Oz ? You said that like it's a bad thing !.....I enjoy living in tornado alley....:-)

MarmiteToasty said...

~((((Inspired))))~ Well, she just about got me biscuit lol.... meaning as your doodles would say 'got on me tits'....xxxxx

~((((bina))))~ thinking you meant to post this comment on your blob LMFAO....... yep, I wanted to check he only had one pile and not a bunch of grapes hanging lol.....xxxxx

~((((dumdad)))))~ nah, they dont read this blob, actually Im surprised HE can even read lol.....xxxxx

~((((mima)))))))~ LOL@ya daffs have suffered :)..... oh and welcome.... xxxxx

~((((cindy)))))~ we went to 'their' BBQ a few years ago when they first moved in, it was a 'neighbour BBQ' so they could get to meet everyone, I thought he was a tosser back then, I think we both made a silent pact to hate each other as much as possible lol....xxxxx

~((((((ake))))))~ window is code word or arse LMFAO......xxxxxx

~(((((((((((lora))))))))))))~ hey you :) It was NOT a slag off against Kansas lol.... did you read about that weird woman in kansas that had sat on the loo for 2 years and was stuck LOL..... is it a neighbour of yours? :).....xxxxxx

Idaho Escapee said...

Hi, Mme. Toasty...It's been said that "good fences make good neighbors"...if I had neighbors like yours, I'd put up a 12-foot high cement wall with barbed wire on top and a couple of gun turrets for good measure. As an option, you could pop out a couple of bricks and install a small barred window so you could annoy your neighbors by watching their back-yard gatherings of tea and crumpets or whatever.

Pamela said...

eeeek!~

AuntieM said...

So that was YOUR fence I saw flying by, all the way here in Colorado! Nice job of handling the neighbor, too. He sounds like a real piece of work.