Hampshire Chainsaw Massacre.... well sort of...

Ok..........what you have to know about me is that sometimes I can just do things real randomly..... :) but there is always a good reason behind me acts of randomness..... I think......

This morning, I was standing in me garden with a cuppa tea in me hand, watching the foggy day start.. knowing that when the fog cleared it was gonna be a glorious day again..... the nippers was all sat at the kitchen table munching toast.... I can hear the rush hour traffic over the houses on the main road through the village..... and I could also hear a 'CHAINSAW' well it sounded like a chainsaw in the garden over the back, the bloke is a tree surgeon so it sort of figured..... and as I stood there looking down me little garden, the memories of 'The Chainsaw Morning' came flashing back..... and just like 'The Mangle Day' I was there almost 3 years ago......

Look, me garden is well narrow and in the middle I had this big apple tree, it was there when I bought this little house all those years ago, and the owners then said, the apple tree is naff and you will need to cut it down..... well that was 20 years ago..... I loved that apple tree, I didnt care that the apples it produced were sour and unedible.... I love the gnarled trunk the twisted branches, all me lads had climbed this tree as nippers.....

But as I stood there that morning 3 years ago... I just knew that the tree needed to go, it would bring in more light to the garden. All down one side of me tiny garden were real over tall shrubs, and even though they made the garden private they needed to be topped before people thought that Jack and the Beanstalk lived here......

So, I had a great plan that spring of 2004...... the blokes over the back, you know, the tree surgeons said they would chop me tree down for 100 quid (thats like $200) I thought well bugger that..... I know...... Sleddies dad, who is one of me maties and whom kid sleddie Ive minded since he was a baby - he is called Sleddie cos his name is Eddie but he is a little slow, hence Sleddie) well his dad has a chainsaw and him being me matie surely he would lend me a chainsaw for gawds sake...... So one phone call later, he turns up with chainsaw with petrol in it and ready to go....... :) he said he would actually come and do it for me on Saturday...... oh ok I said.. and put the chainsaw in me shed........

Well..... Saturday was a long way off ya know in my eyes...... so after lunch, I got the chainsaw out of the shed....... I mean..... how hard could it be to just chainsaw down an old gnarled apple tree, right? ...... I found an old pair of steel toecap boots in the shed :) I aint daft ya know - safety first and all that..... started the monster up, which sort of flung me backwards lol..... great start aye......

I do not know what become of me, maybe it was this monster in me hand or the power of a killing machine throbbing scarily infront of me face lol........ how someone didnt die that day, I really dont know....

Right, apple tree, me, chainsaw..... Ive seen the lumberjacks on the telly cut down trees by cutting out a triangle in the bottom of the trunk right?...... here goes....... chainsaw sort of jumping everywhere, it was not as easy as it looked on the telly......but, its me, I can do anything right lmfao.......

TIMBERRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - me apple tree started to sort of fall........ but in the wrong direction......... bloody hell.... so I drop the chainsaw and run towards the house..... turn round just in time to see me apple tree crash through me neighbours fence..... oh shit... oh shit lol...... such a noise, such a splintering of fence panels....... SUCH SCREAMS from over the fence... oh my goodness.... I rush down the garden to peer through the apple tree branches and through the broken fence panels to find me twat neighbours swearing and shouting at me LOL........like that aint unusual........ me apple tree had taken out 2 fence panels and the posts and the branches were filling up their pond...... goldfish like a bit of foliage right lol.... and not 2 foot from the tree sat me twat neighbours wifey shaking but still holding her cup of tea in her hand LMFAO........ omg omg.......

Well, what could I say........ just at this point me gate opened and me matie turned up, she was shaking her head lol........ I could see that I had obviously NOT killed me neighbour with me tree and to defuse the situation, I stuck me head through the branches and said 'Oye, could I have me tree back' - HE WAS SO NOT AMUSED....... lol SO NOT........the things he called me are unrepeatable....... my friend by now was creased up on the grass laffing and laffing which didnt help me neighbours temper........ yes she the wifey was visibly shaken..... well she should of been in my boots lol...... but was she dead NO did she get hit by a apple tree NO........ the woman has a problem I tell ya lol

Anyways......... now with this new found confidence... I pick up the chainsaw and things I might as well top the top of me shrubs....... so I start the bloody chainsaw up again and once again get kicked back and as I turn with it high in the air, I hit the corner of the shed and slice off the corner of the roof LMFAO....... hahahahahahaha..... my friend is screaming STOP STOP me neigbbour had started up with the swearing again and the noise from the machine was deafening.......

In for a penny in for a pound...... I couldnt reach the top of the shrubs, so I thought, well bugger it, I will do a complete overhaul and just take them all out at the base.......... me X had planted these shrubs and many were not to my liking anyways........ so my simple brain said...... fell the bloody lot and start again with things ya like......... so thats what I did........ my friend is still screaming me twat neighbour is still shouting unrepeatable words, of which I couldnt really hear over the noise of the chainsaw and the adrenelin rushing through my head........

30 Minutes later, I turn off the machine....... and lay it on the ground ........ and stand and survey my work............. I THEN PROMPTLY BURST INTO TEARS........ my garden, my little neat garden looked like a war zone or at least part of the rain forest that had been taken down in the wink of an eye....... my garden was a mess........ the apple tree lay in my neighbours garden the fences were broken, like a huge gaping wound.... the corner of me shed was missing all the 12 foot shrubs lay all across me lawn and on me flower borders ....... yep it certainly let in more light LMFAO.......... JEBUS......... WTF........ my friend is just sitting at me garden table, laffing and laffing so much that I thought I would have to smack her into kingdom come to calm her down........ me twat neighbours were still at it.... so much so that I think I threatened him with the chainsaw and something to do with his neck...... you must understand I was in shock lol...... I think my threats must of been fairly realistic cos they scarpered off into their house lol.......

It cos me $400 for the blokes over the back to come and clear me garden...... they did bag up the apple tree once they had cut it into burnable size logs :)...... $400...... me garden was a mess........ but ya know what....... 3 years on and me twat neighbours have moved to Devon lol....... me new shrubs are all tall and making me garden private again.......... and oh my...... what a memory...... I aint used a chainsaw since.....



But just that noise this morning transferred me back 3 years lmfao.....

Enuff Twaddle for one day....

ps.....Janet - Eggs 2