Thursday, 15 March 2007

Hampshire Chainsaw Massacre.... well sort of...



Ok..........what you have to know about me is that sometimes I can just do things real randomly..... :) but there is always a good reason behind me acts of randomness..... I think......

This morning, I was standing in me garden with a cuppa tea in me hand, watching the foggy day start.. knowing that when the fog cleared it was gonna be a glorious day again..... the nippers was all sat at the kitchen table munching toast.... I can hear the rush hour traffic over the houses on the main road through the village..... and I could also hear a 'CHAINSAW' well it sounded like a chainsaw in the garden over the back, the bloke is a tree surgeon so it sort of figured..... and as I stood there looking down me little garden, the memories of 'The Chainsaw Morning' came flashing back..... and just like 'The Mangle Day' I was there almost 3 years ago......

Look, me garden is well narrow and in the middle I had this big apple tree, it was there when I bought this little house all those years ago, and the owners then said, the apple tree is naff and you will need to cut it down..... well that was 20 years ago..... I loved that apple tree, I didnt care that the apples it produced were sour and unedible.... I love the gnarled trunk the twisted branches, all me lads had climbed this tree as nippers.....

But as I stood there that morning 3 years ago... I just knew that the tree needed to go, it would bring in more light to the garden. All down one side of me tiny garden were real over tall shrubs, and even though they made the garden private they needed to be topped before people thought that Jack and the Beanstalk lived here......

So, I had a great plan that spring of 2004...... the blokes over the back, you know, the tree surgeons said they would chop me tree down for 100 quid (thats like $200) I thought well bugger that..... I know...... Sleddies dad, who is one of me maties and whom kid sleddie Ive minded since he was a baby - he is called Sleddie cos his name is Eddie but he is a little slow, hence Sleddie) well his dad has a chainsaw and him being me matie surely he would lend me a chainsaw for gawds sake...... So one phone call later, he turns up with chainsaw with petrol in it and ready to go....... :) he said he would actually come and do it for me on Saturday...... oh ok I said.. and put the chainsaw in me shed........

Well..... Saturday was a long way off ya know in my eyes...... so after lunch, I got the chainsaw out of the shed....... I mean..... how hard could it be to just chainsaw down an old gnarled apple tree, right? ...... I found an old pair of steel toecap boots in the shed :) I aint daft ya know - safety first and all that..... started the monster up, which sort of flung me backwards lol..... great start aye......

I do not know what become of me, maybe it was this monster in me hand or the power of a killing machine throbbing scarily infront of me face lol........ how someone didnt die that day, I really dont know....

Right, apple tree, me, chainsaw..... Ive seen the lumberjacks on the telly cut down trees by cutting out a triangle in the bottom of the trunk right?...... here goes....... chainsaw sort of jumping everywhere, it was not as easy as it looked on the telly......but, its me, I can do anything right lmfao.......

TIMBERRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - me apple tree started to sort of fall........ but in the wrong direction......... bloody hell.... so I drop the chainsaw and run towards the house..... turn round just in time to see me apple tree crash through me neighbours fence..... oh shit... oh shit lol...... such a noise, such a splintering of fence panels....... SUCH SCREAMS from over the fence... oh my goodness.... I rush down the garden to peer through the apple tree branches and through the broken fence panels to find me twat neighbours swearing and shouting at me LOL........like that aint unusual........ me apple tree had taken out 2 fence panels and the posts and the branches were filling up their pond...... goldfish like a bit of foliage right lol.... and not 2 foot from the tree sat me twat neighbours wifey shaking but still holding her cup of tea in her hand LMFAO........ omg omg.......

Well, what could I say........ just at this point me gate opened and me matie turned up, she was shaking her head lol........ I could see that I had obviously NOT killed me neighbour with me tree and to defuse the situation, I stuck me head through the branches and said 'Oye, could I have me tree back' - HE WAS SO NOT AMUSED....... lol SO NOT........the things he called me are unrepeatable....... my friend by now was creased up on the grass laffing and laffing which didnt help me neighbours temper........ yes she the wifey was visibly shaken..... well she should of been in my boots lol...... but was she dead NO did she get hit by a apple tree NO........ the woman has a problem I tell ya lol

Anyways......... now with this new found confidence... I pick up the chainsaw and things I might as well top the top of me shrubs....... so I start the bloody chainsaw up again and once again get kicked back and as I turn with it high in the air, I hit the corner of the shed and slice off the corner of the roof LMFAO....... hahahahahahaha..... my friend is screaming STOP STOP me neigbbour had started up with the swearing again and the noise from the machine was deafening.......

In for a penny in for a pound...... I couldnt reach the top of the shrubs, so I thought, well bugger it, I will do a complete overhaul and just take them all out at the base.......... me X had planted these shrubs and many were not to my liking anyways........ so my simple brain said...... fell the bloody lot and start again with things ya like......... so thats what I did........ my friend is still screaming me twat neighbour is still shouting unrepeatable words, of which I couldnt really hear over the noise of the chainsaw and the adrenelin rushing through my head........

30 Minutes later, I turn off the machine....... and lay it on the ground ........ and stand and survey my work............. I THEN PROMPTLY BURST INTO TEARS........ my garden, my little neat garden looked like a war zone or at least part of the rain forest that had been taken down in the wink of an eye....... my garden was a mess........ the apple tree lay in my neighbours garden the fences were broken, like a huge gaping wound.... the corner of me shed was missing all the 12 foot shrubs lay all across me lawn and on me flower borders ....... yep it certainly let in more light LMFAO.......... JEBUS......... WTF........ my friend is just sitting at me garden table, laffing and laffing so much that I thought I would have to smack her into kingdom come to calm her down........ me twat neighbours were still at it.... so much so that I think I threatened him with the chainsaw and something to do with his neck...... you must understand I was in shock lol...... I think my threats must of been fairly realistic cos they scarpered off into their house lol.......

It cos me $400 for the blokes over the back to come and clear me garden...... they did bag up the apple tree once they had cut it into burnable size logs :)...... $400...... me garden was a mess........ but ya know what....... 3 years on and me twat neighbours have moved to Devon lol....... me new shrubs are all tall and making me garden private again.......... and oh my...... what a memory...... I aint used a chainsaw since.....



But just that noise this morning transferred me back 3 years lmfao.....

Enuff Twaddle for one day....

ps.....Janet - Eggs 2

22 comments:

Keith said...

you just crack me up!! Chainsaws are loud gas powered containers of testosterone....i love cutting trees down and do have my own chain saw aptly nicknamed "wild thing"....have a great day....keith

The Fool said...

Oh M-Toasty, you are such a dear! And you even come with chainsaw experience!

*wow*

Farmer, landscape artist, and neighborly conductor of affairs...

...and a chainsaw.

*wow*

This story is a classic. That ol' power kind of takes over, doesn't it. The engine's din, the scream of the blade spinning at high speeds, the thrill of decapitation...

Next time, start just a little smaller. You know, the plug in trimmie-shear-things (yeah, I know, why use a BB gun when there's napalm available).

You are, as we say, "such a hoot." And that's good. You put the "L" in "Life."

Too cool. So, what kind of meds are the neighbors taking these days? Any Ambien?

Later, M-Toasty. Thank you for the wonderful posting, and have a great day.

:)

MarmiteToasty said...

~Keith~ welcome matie :) well chufted ya popped over ... 'crack me up' is soooo american lol we say 'you well crease me up'... As you can see, I to am a fairly new blob virgin of only 2 and a bit weeks.... I will try to make it to at least 3 weeks.... and yep I so aint gonna go down the chainsaw path again :) x

~((Fool)))~ forgive me, Im sorry.... you know what for... Im hoping 'a hoot' is a compliment lol I aint no owl ya know.. I dont think a strimmer(trimmie shear thing) would of sorted me apple tree.... xx

sigh......

fanks.... remember last up, lights out, cats in cos its cold out, and unplug..... slater maybe xx

The Fool said...

M-Toasty - no apolgogy necessary...and I've taken off the shout...but what's up kid?

The Fool said...

slater yes. take care, friend.

Word Tosser said...

Oh, Mel, I laugh my fool head off. You sound like me... I started to take apart our steps on the front porch.. because one needed to be repaired. Finally got my husband interested (could be because I found rot all over under it.. and we ended up $600 later with a new porch.. he wasn't happy. Also I trimmed one of our bushes (butterfly bush) because it was all over the place and I couldn't see out of my window. A snip here and there, and here and there .. well the 7 footer was barly 3 when I got done. It took it 2 years to grow back...

OrdinaryShark said...

I loved that story the first time I heard it and it's still grand! If you ever get the urge to do some more chain saw work, I'll be clearing a few acres for the new house and running a road to the back 40 in the next few weeks. I've got all the chain saws sharpened and ready to go. It's so much fun when all the trees come down and then you get to strip the branches and cut to log length then when the silence comes rushing back you realize you've got yards and yards of slash and logs every which way and ALOT of work left....sigh.
But the bonfires are fabulous!

Oh yeah, if Janet is doing an egg a day she's doing great. Tell the lads that if they want omelets all at once to go find a few more strays!

Starr Kelso said...

Do you really want an elk skull?

Lynn said...

"Could I have me tree back?"

Marmite, you sure know how to get me to laughing.

I hate it when do-it-myself stuff ends badly!

the psycho therapist said...

Oh, heh heh heh, she wants an elk skull, trust me.

(hee hee)


:)


--

MarmiteToasty said...

~((Foolie))~ fanks, and apologies WERE necessary.... so shut ya gob... x

~Tosser~ welcome back :) (so laffing typing your nic lol)... LOL@your stories...... believe me I have so many disaster stories ... but hey, they all come out in the wash in the end.... fanks for coming back over, I didnt realise others read me blob :)

~((Shark))~ ya know Im well envious of your back 40 dontcha... thinking of all the chickens and sheep and goats and veggies I would have on a back 40..... and oh to build ya own house, how wonderful, how exciting..... but please please dont cut down anymore trees then what is really necessary... I LOVEs trees.... I use to own a little bit of England where our nursery was, it was only tiny but it was surrounded by mighty oaks, and the first time I stood in that little field in the middle of WorldsEnd (yep thats the name of the hamlet) I KNEW it wanted to belong to me...if only for a short while .......we did had plans to build our own home on it..... but hey, me, I would live in a shed in the woods....I got poo buckets ya know ;) ...... so cherish ya bit of doodleland and respect and love the trees on it ;) xx

ps.... I forgot I had told most of this story before.... forgive me for I must of been having a senior moment :) x

~Star~ - welcome to me humble Twaddle........ and oh YES oh YES how I would love me an elk head :) Bob already owes me a cows head (ya know like in the cowboy and indian films) and Foolie owes me a mooses hornie thing :)..... I do not joketh about me skulls lol - fanks so much for popping over for a butchers at Twaddle...... x

~(((Lynn)))~ :) my little witty comments in life often get me through some STICKIE situations lol - and sometimes they get me into heaps of trouble lol - oh THAT DIY story is soooooooo tame to some of me stuff....... :) xxxxx


~((((Wendy))))~ :) oh you KNOW me so well..... ya figured out that I was so SERIOUS about the elk :).... and fanks for the phone call.... hey, I just talk bollocks but fanks :)..... and ya hit the nail on the head..... bang... love ya xxxxxx

sidenote said...

My chainsaw is still in the box. The tree I was going to cut down has grown several feet.

MarmiteToasty said...

~sidenote~ ya can flog it to me if ya like :) - well if the tree aint doing no harm, then just leave it be...... I aint no tree hugger, but ya just gotta love em...... I LOVE with a passion Oak Trees..... :)

x

Starr Kelso said...

Well, it just so happens that my youngest son has one laying around somewhere. It will be minus the ivory but he will part with it. Mind you, it is not neat and tidy, yet. Twill take sum work what not. Also what sort of laws need to be complied with to ship such a treasure across the pond?

sidenote said...

I'd send it to ya, but I still plan to use the dang chainsaw. I may take caution having read this. The tree is a poplar that started growing in the middle of my backyard. If it provided a decent privacy screen to the my geodesic sunroon and its 26 triangle-shaped windows I'd leave it. Poplars grow like weeds around here. Did I mention the blackberry bushes around my woodshed?

MarmiteToasty said...

~Star~ omg omg now YOUR serious..... :) and Im well excited lol see how bloody easily pleased I am, what a saddo.....

Cant ya just shove it in a box and write 'scrummies' on the customs form..... thats what I do when I post stuff to the states that I aint suppose to..... ok, granted I aint never posted a 'head' before..... but, but..... omg I so NEED your elk head lol x

~sidenote~ cripes your house sounds HUGE.... and do ya know one of me favourite things I love to do come the Autumn is to walk down the lanes and go blackberry picking :) we pick pounds and pounds of them and freeze them to make blackberry pies and jams throughout the year.... and I use to make a blackberry wine to DIE for..... ok now you have made me want to start on me wine making again...... DONT cut down ya blackberry brambles.... one cos ya get fruit for free, and 2 cos little creatures will be using it as their homes...... :) sidie... be at one with nature lol x

x

OrdinaryShark said...

Marm- I'm always so amazed at the difference between your little island and our big chunk of earth. England has so much history and has such limited resources where wood is concerned it's almost like every tree is personally owned and cared for. I'm always struck by the fact that most new construction in Europe is masonry and here it's wood, wood, wood.
But rest assured, I take care of my trees. I have 750 acres of them in New Hamster; it's where I get all my wood for furniture and floors and the like. So many people who are not aware have the wrong idea about trees (I'm talking about over here, not you!) At the turn of the century NH was 97% farm land, everything had been cleared by settlers generation after generation. (Side note: The biggest result was one of my favorite things: all the stone walls that thread through the now dense woods and forests. It's amazing to hike in the woods and see these walls and realize that everything for miles and miles and miles and miles was cleared farmland barely 100 years ago.) With the opening of the west and increasing technology so called "rock farming" was largely dropped in New England for easier, more productive and efficient growing in the plains. So the land was let go and the forests grew back. True, it is now different species and not the giants that had grown for more than 100 years, but the woods are back and the small woodlot owners are taking care of them. I do know of a tiny little patch of old growth in NH (on privately held land) that I would be happy to show you if you are ever over here. It is a unique little parcel and should be and is protected. The existing old growth in the West is amazing and needs to handled carefully. So much of the worlds forests are being decimated for stupid reasons like cattle, etc. but that is more appropriately Green's area of expertise and I'm just goin' on like an old ladies sewing circle so I'll shut my gob now.
What a grand day, the snow has stopped and is now being glazed with freezing rain. Doh!

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((Shark)))~ oh my goodness, you are such a grand land owner lol you would be mega rich with all that land if you lived over here..... bugger, and I was envious of your back 40...... sigh...... you must be well posh with all that land lol....... do you have a handlebar tash and wearing tweed shooting jackets :) hehehe only joking....... but that is an aweful amount of land young man........ sigh...

Yep land is a premium over here and I paid £10,000 ($20,000) for just over an acre years ago to start up me Xs business.......

Thinking maybe its time for me to sell up and move and built me dream in the states......

and yep not many homes are of wooden contruction here, a wooden one would be well a novelty.....hence our homes take months and months to build not like yours that Ive seen on the telly on that makeover programme......

ok Shark, land, wood, floors, furniture........ you have me curious as to what ya do for a living? obviously ya dont have to say.... Im just curious thats all...... and do ya want a housekeeper LMFAO....... fanks for your posts, they are always so interesting and full of wonderful things........ ya need to do a blob matie :) xx

x

Kati said...

LOL Found you through Em's blog (Notes from My Corner) and I'm sitting here ROFLMBO!!!! Great story, but even more than that, I LOVE your accent. I mean, I'm a little Alaskan girl (Well, born in Germany to 2 Air-Force fighter jet mechanics, but raised in Alaska) and the only place I've ever heard an accent like that is in movies. But to read your blog, it's real!!! I don't mean to sound like I'm making fun or anything, but it's incredible, and I love the way you speak! It's so far removed from what I hear everyday. LOL Ok, now that I've made a total fool of myself.... Nice to meet you!

MarmiteToasty said...

~kati~ welcome to my humble abode :) - LOL I so do NOT ave an accent..... geeeeeeeez lmfao.....

You are most welcome here, to join in and mess around, they are a wonderful bunch of maties that come here.....

Star (see the next post) seems to need a translator for me site lmfao.... so maybe you could get together to suss it out lmfao..... maybe an evening class in English ;).....

All me stories are real, the get dragged up from me memory banks when I read a certain word on someones blob or when I hear a sound....... :) hope you get a chance to read back over me posts..... Ive only had this place for 3 weeks, so not much to catch up on...... its all fun right? LOL

Fanks for popping over, hope you will come back.....

x

Monica said...

holy mother of god..that CSM of H was funny..no chain saws for you..ever, ever again!!

MarmiteToasty said...

~monica~ hi and welcome :) Its not suppose to be funny LMFAO..... its just me life......that I stumble through..... lol

fanks for popping over - ok where ya from? lol

x