In Honour Of My First Born Son Ben - Happy Birthday

Ok........ so, this is a day late but still, never mind..... Yesterday marked my Ben's 25th Birthday..... where has the time gone..... how did we get to 'here' when it only seems like we are still 'there'.. how far we have all come.... how precious I hold this child/man in my eyes and heart.....

Im almost exactly twice as old as my first born son Ben..... this child bought so much joy into my life from the day he was born......



Here he is about a hour old...

I use to work for the Ministry of Defence and had for 9 years.... and I worked for the Minstry up til 4 weeks of my due date.... but we had only been married a couple of years and with an all but derelict house to do up I had no choice but to leave the Minstry on the Friday and go work at my X's fathers plant nursery business on the Monday..... no feet up on maternity leave for me LOL...no making baby clothes and baby quilts for me lol..... that should of been the first sign lmfao..... well this child this first to be born was a fortnight late so I also worked at the plant nursery, heavily pregnant right up to the day he was born..... I worked all morning and went to me doctors appointment at noon where he told he was ringing the hospital and to get me arse down their cos this baby at a fortnight late needed to be born.... I remember asking him if I could finish the work day cos we were busy at the nursery and he told me that I shouldnt even of been working there at this late stage LOL....... well ya know the saying...... you wear my shoes buster and then tell me what I should and shouldnt be doing LOL



Two weeks old...

So...... I first went and did a grocery shop so that me tosser of a now X had supplies in the house lol...... and then he took me down the hospital and we got booked in and there was no sign of the baby arriving yet, so me tosser of a husband went back to work and left me down there on me own scared as buggery not knowing what to expect and very frightened.....well I went into labour that evening and they rang him and he asked how long before the baby would be born and they said a few hours and he told them to ring him just before they thought it would be born LMFAO...... oh my, when I think back now, I cant believe how uncaring he was even back then...I real truely have been alone all me life..... this was to be our first child, he was suppose to be there by my side.... his excuse was.... he had to get up early for work and he needed every minute of sleep, so ring him only when the baby was gonna arrive.....what about me aye? lol



8 Weeks old...

Anyways...... he made it back just in time to see his our first son born..... this precious bundle of what looked like a yellow chinaman LOL..... he was jaundiced and he was a tad yellow lmfao.... within a hour of his birth my husband kissed his son and hugged me and went home to bed cos he was tired LMFAO...... smiling now just thinking of it all.....


So enough of that rubbish, ya cant change the past, but I can still feel the loneliness now when I remember seeing the other new mums with their husbands by their sides sitting for hours and hours beaming and so happy and proud......

So...... 4 days on and we take our child home...... our Ben..... home to our little derelict house lol.... This child was so very special.... we took him on his first holiday to the lake district and cornwall when he was 5 months old and he started to crawl on that holiday, I kid you not, we have video of him :)..... he walked at just 8 months old.... so when his first birthday came around and he was running around whilst all his one year old maties was just sitting on the floor being babies lol....



5 months old and crawling already lol...

As Ben grew he changed every thought I had in my head, ya see, cos my parents hated me and were extremely cruel in many ways, I was so scared that I would of not been a good mum, that maybe whatever made my parents the way they were, that maybe I would be the same.... but that was so not the case.... I loved this child with every ounze of my body heart and soul.... I loved him with everything I had never felt before.... I laid to rest the fear that I had carried for so long..... I was NOT my mother and I was nuffin like her.... cos I knew how to love my child....



8 months and already able to walk....

Ben grew to be such a funny little character and by the time he was 2 he could talk well proper and knew his colours and numbers and most of his letters..... he was gifted and its not like I had sat for hours and hours with him cos when he was only 10 days old I went back to work at the nursery with baby in tow and did that until the day before my second child was to be born lol...and then with two in tow until my third was born and my fourth lol..... circle circle a never ending circle.... I often wondered what it would be like to be a stay at home mum, but alas that was not in my destiny....

By the time Ben was 4 1/2 and was about to start school he could swim like a fish and had advanced right through all the swimming lessons and had reached his 'life savers' lessons...... he was 4 1/2 the other kids were 13 LMFAO..... he looked so tiny standing there at the side of the pool but there was nuffin they could do to stop him, he had earned his place lol.....

By the time Ben turned 9 he began showing an interest in music and out of the blue asked if he could have a saxaphone.... I didnt even know he knew what a saxaphone was lol..... so I out of the blue bought him his first saxaphone for his 9th birthday..... and a teacher at his junior school who taught the clarinet said she would start him off..... well she was gobsmacked cos within 5 lessons this child of mine could play the saxaphone like he was a 50 year old blues player...... he could read music within 6 weeks and could listen to any music on the radio and play it tune perfect from just listening...... the teacher said she could no longer teach him cos he needed a professional, so I use to take him once a week to a music school on a Monday night and there he stayed for quite a few years..... he won almost every competion the school put him in..... and by the time he had been playing just a year he was beating 14-18 year olds in the Portsmouth Music Festival LOL...... I think this boy had a talent.......

When he was 10 he asked if he could be one of the buskers in town... ya know those that placed a hat on the floor and played and people lobbed money in the hat... I told him he was only 10 but he was quite adament that he wanted to busk outside the shops in Portsmouth over the crimbo period lol..... so being to young to leave down town on his own I use to take him with his expensive sax his 8 year old brother Tom who would hold the hat lol his 4 year old brother Sam who would just stand next to his brother and I would sit on the bench with Jacob who was then a 6 month old baby and just watch incase there was trouble or bullies...he wanted to do this so very much so how could I deny his need.....his music teacher said it would be good for him...... do you know, that boy played with no music every crimbo carol ya can think of and old blues songs and a bit of jazz and he would make over 200 quid ($400) an hour.... ya see he was tiny, and without seeing who was playing he sounded like he must of been an old pro playing and when people realised it was but a mere child I think they was well impressed and he made more money LOL....he use to attract such a crowd and people would stand next to him and have their photo taken lol in case he was one day famous I suppose LMFAO....

When he was 13 he heard that a pub in town had an open jam session night on a Wednesday where anyone that could play at a good standard could just get up with strangers and jam etc..... I thought he must be joking but again his music teacher said it would be character building and to jam with strangeers with no music and no idea what to play would see if he really had what it took..... lol...... so from 13 Ben was playing in the pub on a Wednesday night, at first they was dubious of such a young lad playing and he was not allowed near the bar area LOL but I remember the first time they gave him the nod to go up front with 50 year old drummer and 2 old guitarist to jam, they asked him what he wanted to play and he said.... (lump in throat just thinking about it now).. you play and I will get the beat and join in as and went....... well I kid you not...... he had grown men in tears.... he was amazing, and within weeks of the quiet Wednesday night jam sessions word spread and the pub would be packed on a Wednesday with people just to hear this tiny 13 year old lad play the blues and jazz and rock and roll..they gave him his own spot each week besides playing with others he had his own solo time lol.. my child, my special gifted child......

About the same time he showed an incredible interest in the drums and so that christmas I bought him a second hand drum kit..... well the talent he showed for the drums was as amazing as his talent for the saxaphone..... again within weeks he could drum and what a drummer he became..... he also picked up a guitar one night at the pub jamming sessions and just strummed and plucked and within a few weeks he had bought himself his first guitar with is own money and taught himself how to play.....

Ben was also a very wonderful sportsman, he played Tchoukball, football, rugby and had such a passion for rock climbing and sking...... I tried to give him every experience I could.... so that maybe one day he would find a path through life that was his own....

And so the years passed and my child my beautiful child grew and grew and him and his brothers bought me such joy in a very hard world that I found myself in....he left school at 16 and went to college to study a BTech National Diploma in Music technology..... which is the same course that my Sam is doing now 7 years later lol....

When my Ben was 16 and just before he started college his father walked out of his life and his 3 brothers lives and left us all on the shitpile of life...... many thought of it as the end of our lives but I had to look at it as just the beginning..... I tried so hard not to let Ben take on the responsibility of being the man figure in our house what with him being the oldest, and I didnt want him and his brothers just to become statistics of divorce, and go off the rails and become 'bad boys' cos there was no father figure in his and their lives....I just wanted him to enjoy being who he was it was NOT his responsibility to be anything but himself..... I wanted to let him still be a youth and have fun and live his young life free from any worries...... my 4 sons and everything was my responsibility and it was up to me to carry that load...... I hope I didnt let him down....... he did look out for his brothers and would of protected them with his life, but I never let him carry the load...... I hope and pray I carried it high enough....

We are so very close, dont get me wrong we have had our ups and downs along the way and when he left home at 21 to share a flat with his long term girlfriend, I knew even through the tears that I had done a good job on this young man, this boy those heart was so full of love for people and life and music..and was just the most fun to be around...... but I also felt that a part of our anchor was being lifted, but that was my job, to grow these children the best I could and set them free out into the world with all that I had nurtured and guided and loved tucked in his pocket.....

He still played his music but more the drums then the sax or guitar and he couldnt for the life of him get a job in the music industry so he went into engineering...... and had his music as his passion .... this gift he was given will always be with him, to bring out when he needs it....



This is my Ben, Jacob, Sam and Lucy (Bens then girlfriend who I love like one of my own) from a couple of years ago when I flew us all to Cyprus for a week one Easter cos we hadnt had a holiday together since being on our own... alas my Tom couldnt get the time off work... I LOVE this photo.... taken at The Tomb of Kings...

But alas 18 months ago his world went tits up when his then girlfriend of 6 years left him a fortnight after they had just moved into a bigger flat, and as he worked for her fathers engineering company the father made my lad redundant and said there was no job there anymore for him.....so 2 punches in a world that had been safe and secure and a girlfriend that had been a part of my family for 6 years.... he could no longer afford his flat on his own and with no job he had no choice but to move back home.... this will always be his home.... he was in such a bad way emotionally.... and all I could do was wrap him in the safety of his family and let his heart bleed and his soul ask questions and love him like I had loved him all his life.... its not been easy, he has no bedroom of his own here, he had moved out 3 years ago and his room had been taken over by one of his brothers lol.... his whole contents of his flat is stored not only full to the roof in me huge shed but in my bedroom.... and he sleeps in the lounge..... but this is his home and he came home cos he needed us...... he was only out of work for a few months and now works for an engineering company here in the village, he is slowly rebuilding his life... with the love of his family......

Last year he got jumped on in town by some thugs and had his jaw broken in 2 places.... those men got just under a year inside and he is awaiting his compensation with a hope that he will have the deposit for a house.........



This is my Ben this time last year waiting to go down into theatre for emergency surgery to get his broken jaw rebuilt, it is now held together with a 2 plates, he had his jaw wired shut for nigh on 10 weeks.... it was painful for all of us..... not just him... he is a bit out of it in this photo lol...

He hates it that at 24/25 he STILL gets asked for ID when he goes to buy tins of lager in the shop and gets ID'd in clubs LOL it must be his baby good looks.....



Yep, thats me boy lol

I love this child as much today as I did the minute he was born..... we talk and we suss and we sort out shit in life, its not been easy at times and he has pushed me to my limits sometimes.....but I understand it cant of been easy to move back home with no room of his own...after living away in town..... and town is where that boys heart is, he is not really a country boy, but loves the hustle and bustle of town life....... but he knows my love is unconditional and I will always be here for him..... no matter where I end up in the world..... ya see, we only have each other..... he is a wonderful boy/man, and except for that little blip where his heart was broken so very badly.....he has remained the funny beautiful person he has always been..... Im so very proud to of been a part of my Bens life, we have been alone really from the day he was born..... and my love for him will never fade..... he is my first born...... my child and the beginning of my life........



This is Ben and his now girlfriend (whom I dont particulary like lol) just before crimbo when we went out for a meal in the Harvest Home pub.... his hair is quite short in this photo..

I sometimes wonder what sort of person he would of become if he had had a father figure in his life instead of just me..... I hope I have done the very best I could under extreme circumstances.... I hope he can look at me with pride, cos I sure as hell look at him and my heart almost bursts with the love I have for him.... I just hope Ive been a good enough mum for him.... we have laffed til we've cried and we have cried til we've laffed....

I love you Ben...... through thick and thin..... I'll aways love you .... HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON...... I hope you know how much I love you and how proud of you I am of you for all we have been through since day one...... I did my best son, with no guide and no hand to hold..... I hope its enough...

Here are his brothers....

TOM

SAM

JACOB

Ok more then enough boring twaddle for one week....

x