Friday, 25 May 2007

It All Started With A Dead Badger...... Gross Content....

Ok...........Me apologies NOW for this post, and if you are squimish you should read no more....... But you have to understand that me and me maties have real SICK senses of humour...and we can not change the people we are, I know I cant anyways...... we can laff at the most on the edge things that others would look in horror at.......... we can laff at the most aweful things...... because without laughter in life, how can one recharge ones batteries.........

So, yesterday. I picked me matie Sharon up (cos I have the 8 seater car) and we headed out toward Wickham to this well posh garden centre..... we both needed some 'mud' as she calls it...... gawds I mix with such peasents lol.... and just wanted to get out, and this Garsons Garden Centre is great, but so very expensive, cos it has not only a huge plant section but an aquactic place and a place with bunnys and rats and guinea pigs and things, so its great also for the little ones.........

So many things about yesterday seemed to have a link to each other, it was real strange.......

So, I pick her up and we have to go bunkers hill way and through what we call 'the back Dead Badger lanes'....... different lanes to the other ones and this is a bit further out........ well over the past year, everytime we have driven this particular lane/road, and Ive been with me matie Sharon......... we are GUARANTEED to see a badger..... a DEAD badger at the side of the road......... almost every time......... but ya see, its well strange..... cos badgers aint that common, and its very rare to see one at all......so we always think, how come we always see so many of the creatures dead...... and only ever on this same road, nowhere else............but we have this theory, well I do, she just laffs at me about it and says Im mental........ ya see...... I really think its the same badger...... and someone during the night over the weeks, carts it around and leaves it at a different part of the lane....... sometimes its up near Firgrove cottages and sometimes in on the bend that leads to Boarhunt..... I so believe that we have these 'badger dragger arounders' that sneak out in the night and move the badger around, just to mess with our head........... me matie said yesterday as we discussed this issue yet again.... that by now the badger would be decayed so it CANT be the same badger.......but Im not so sure........ it was spookie for a time though cos a few weeks ago when I was dropping something off at Sharons one evening, as we looked out the front window just as it was getting dark, a bloody badger walked by LMFAO........ omg omg...... I looked at sharon who looked at mark who looked at me....... quick mark said (he was being mean) go ask where its going at this time of night.......... so I just reply....... dont be stupid mark, its going to the bus stop to catch the 45A back into town ......... OK ya just had to be there.......

So where this story is leading....... well, yesterday while driving down the back lane towards Boarhunt, I mentioned that me doodle maties seem to like the pictures of our world, and I also said that I had seen this heron out near worlds end last week......... so she said....... they have different wildlife to us, so lets see if we can spot anything and take pictures of our British wildlife....... ok I said, even if its a dead badger........ jebus we was laffing.........

Its a sign ya know, cos when we got to this garden centre..... which by the way is so expensive we only buy a few things but take LOADS of cuttings *wink wink say no more*....... there standing next to the door was this...............

DSCF3396

Im sure its a sign..... I looked at me matie and she looked at me and we both said.... a bloody heron and burst out laffing......... it was this plastic most aweful tackie thing ever lol.....and if someone bought this for their garden they needed to be shot.....

So we put some plants in our trolley...... which had 2 nippers in it and one in a buggy and 2 walking..... we had somehow lifted, with much laffing cos they was well heavy, 2 bags of 'mud' and 4 'growbags' in and under the trolley, had a bag full of cuttings and then thought it would be nice to finish by having a butchers around the inside part with the gifts etc and then go in the farm shop and buy something nice for lunch...... so envisage the scene..... we balanced Charlie on the bags of mud cos he had wandered off and we had lost him, only to find him climbing in with the rabbits - but thats another story - we push this loaded trolley with kids and plants and mud and a buggy through the gift section, where Sharon, who was pushing the trolley and needs learner plates, sort of brushed past this shelf full of these expensive glass vase things and the corner of one of the bags of mud clipped the shelf which came crashing down......... LMFAO HAHAHAHAHAHA OMG OMG ....... I was creased up laffing so hard, her face was so funny......... shit, shit, shit she is saying....... this bloke and his wife was giggling, so I says, I dont know what your laffing at, giggling meself, but we are gonna say you did it LMFAO........ it was just so funny, the crash was so loud that 2 members of staff came running..... we all just stood there...... I was pointing at this other couple while laffing and saying, they done it,and they was pointing at us while laffing and saying it was them....... just so funny....... I think ya needed to be there....... and then the woman at the check out had NO sense of humour.....so Im glad we nicked so many cuttings :)....... so Im a thief, sue me :) but remember I have Starr and Sharkie on me side lol

We load the car with much laffing, cos these huge bags of mud was well heavy for us to get in the car, and this couple of blokes was just standing there laffing instead of helping... tossers... :)

On the drive back I said, ok, lets look for British wildlife..... ok ok the chances of seeing anything but maybe a bunny in a field was slim lol

On the back Boarhunt road which is more a B road and not quite a lane, I put me foot down and Im speeding along when all of a sudden Sharon shouts....... WILDLIFE TO THE RIGHT........ me peering out the window cant seen nuffin in the field..... STOP she shouts..... drive on the wrong side of the road and I will take a picture and SLOW DOWN...... so I cross the middle lines and crawling along I spot what she sees....... NOW I did warn you we are sick...... and this is gross..... Im sorry........ British wildlife on the back Boarhunt road at is best.....

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We think it might be a relative of Phylis, who was a pheasant that we run over last year...... I did say we are sick right? but we was laffing, and I had to swerve back to the right side cos there was a tractor heading straight towards us....... me matie said, there, your doodle friends will love our picture of wildlife :) sod them and their bears and mooses LMFAO...... the tears were rolling down me face.....

Off we head again and not 100 metres up the road I say......... wildlife to the left and I do an emergency stop and Sharon hangs out the window and takes this picture for you, you my special doodle friends :).........

DSCF3397

We think this one is a rabbit..... cos it was to small to be a fox...... and it most certainly was not our badger cos we was on the wrong road.......

Sick, I tell ya...... I even commented that if me doodle maties were in the back of me car witnessing us, they would NOT be me maties no more.... they would cringe at the things we laff at........ but you see, this all sort of tied in with everything....... it was a sign......

Just before we had to turn off the Boarhunt Road onto the other back lane which we now call Dead Badger Lane for obvious reasons........ we both spot something big up ahead...... something really British........ well proper wildlife........ by now there are a queue of cars behind us so I indicate and stop so they can pass, and then slowly crawl forwards towards the wildlife, almost stalking, I didnt wanna scare it away......... as we passed it I almost gagged..... and Sharon screamed STOP STOP...... I said....... we cant....... she said..... we bloody well can...... so I stopped and she hands me the camera and says 'get out and take a picture'....get stuffed, I says, it stinks, I can smell it from here....gagging we both was.... so she leaps out the car laffing... LOL......... gawds sake....... she is gagging now to but as she said, it has to be shared lol......... so I give you....... our best find of the day............

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Do you know, that over here, if you knock down a deer, you are NOT allowed to put it in your car and take it home....... but the next person that comes along is allowed........ aint that strange....... so if you are the one that hits it and kills it then you have to by law leave it by the side of the road...... and if someone else comes along and wants to take it home to eat they legally can......

We had a boot full of mud and the deer would not of fitted in me car......... IM JOKING there is no way I would of touched that little bambi....... I wanted to go bury it but me matie told me to 'get a bloody life'.........

So I apoligise if this post has grossed you out, Im sorry if you think me sense of humour is not normal or so different from many.......... Im sorry if I have now lost you as friends, commenters, or lurkers.........

I think ya just had to be there........... cos my sides ached so much for the rest of the day........ and if truth be told........ I needed it........ cos today I will not be smiling........

Hope I aint lost any of ya........ but if I ave, then........ does it look like Im bovvered, cos I am what I am....... gross..... sick...... daft....... but just me......

Way to much sick Twaddle for a hot Friday......... x

23 comments:

Akelamalu said...

Have you watched 'Roadkill'? That bambi would have fed you for weeks!
What cuttings did you get?

The Woman said...

SCREAM! GAG! LMBO!

Scots said...

OMFG ... what a day to come back to visit marmite!!!! You sick woman :o) .. just the kinda things we get up to ... yeah . sick gits up here too. I am a countrified (if that is a word) living out here in the sticks and most of the wildlife I get to see is of the same ilk as your post today. lol I did feel a wee bit sad for poor bambi though. BUT ... you have just given me a thought for Sunday dinner ... venison ... cheers babes xx

DayByDay4-2Day said...

Now I'm a city girl. Always have been , but my mother lives in the country. On the road up to her house we always see dead critters. Mostly possums and Stinky skunks. She says she wants to open a small restaurant called "Road Kill Cafe"

Ba Doozie said...

ok, you are highly interesting I must say. I tend towards a sick sense of humor myself so you have not scared me away.

Do you think it is possible the badger is stuffed? and that is why it is not decayed?

We can't pick up dead deer we hit here either. And I wouldn't even if I could. when that trauma happens, it taints the meat and there is no way I would eat it.

toodles

Bugwit said...

That is so wrong on so many levels! ;-)

God, I used to live up in Minnesota, if you know where that is...well, it's where all the Swedes and Norwegians and Finns went when they wanted to escape their frigid hell of an existance. They picked Minnesota because it reminded them of home. heh.

Anyway, you know how cheap those Scandinavians are...man they would run over a deer and then carve it up on the side of the road, just leaving the skin, hooves and head in one piece, like someone had sucked out the deer with a straw.

The first few we saw like that, we wondered who was going around letting the air out of all the animals.

Yeesh.

Lynn said...

and then the woman at the check out had NO sense of humour.....so Im glad we nicked so many cuttings :).......

Ha, Marm, you make me laugh. That's it. Next time I go to a garden centre, I will be nicking some cuttings!!

Usually I practice my protest-by-theft at the drive-thru window at the bank teller. I always ask for a pen and I don't give it back unless they remember to ask. Bloody thieves. Their rates and policies are outrageous!

fatty said...

you are a sick sick woman...
mwhahahahahahha...
poor bambi :o(

and you are so right.. without laughter.. there would be no life would there...

the psycho therapist said...

Gah!
Urrhhh.
Eeeuuph.

(breathing)

I still love you, though.


---

ciara said...

ur sick n twisted, mel, but i still like ya anyways! lol i'm used to seeing SOME roadkill round here...got squirrels, jack rabbits, skunks, and coyotes. no deer tho...not near where i live lol maybe i could take a pic of a dead coyote next time to add to your collection lol

OrdinaryShark said...

Marmest I had the exact same thought that it was the same badger. Boozie had a similar idea that it was stuffed but I'm thinking that freeze dried would do it better. We just call 'em (fill in the blank)-pizzas and go on our merry way.
Now I'm still waiting for the sick stuff. Did you decide not to post it?

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((akelamala))) nope never seen the film roadkill..... oh the cuttings were mainly alpines and fushias and and and lol and the perannuals that me and me matie wanted was £7.99 ($16) each, so we thought sod that, so we swapped the price labels over with some other thing that said £1.99 ($4) :) DONT SAY A WORD, I KNOW lol xxx

~((the woman))~ cripes I can hear that scream from here lol xx

~((Scots))~ welcome back scottie :)..... I aint sick lol...... ya see, ya all concentrated on the photos instead of the story LMFAO.......

Do you know when we was in Cyprus 2 years back, we was up the mountains in the middle of know where, me lads girlfriend was taking photos of the magnificent views and where was I...... up the track taking a photo of a dead mountain sheep LMFAO....... :) xx

~(((daybyday)))~ welcome :) - roadkill cafe has quite a ring to it lol...... you have well good dead things over there :)...... Im jealous lol xx

~((da boozie))~ welcome to the mad house lol...... if you scroll back you will see Im not really mental :) - we thought about the stuff badger..... or a blow up badger left over from some wild stag night....... next time we see it, I will take photos :)..... x

~((Bugs))~ oh my goodness lol...... ya know what I would of done, I would of jump out and put the skin in me head like a witch doctor LOL ....... AND yes I know where minnisota is, me X brother in law that I loves to death has property and land and her family homestead there...... oh and I love mashed and peppered swedes :) xxxx

~(((((Lynn)))~ last crimbo we was caught walking out of the bookshop in Fareham town with a 6foot cardboard cutout of MrBean LOL....... do you know that nicking pub glasses is just normal over here......... and when I was in the states the summer before last and we went out to a bar/pub and there was this lovely pint glass with the name of the pub/bar on it, I put it in me bag lol me doodle maties said...... omg you will get us arrested lOL shut up I said....... you have to nick a glass, you will get arrested in england if you dont lol......... and then when I was back there in October just before halloween they protested when I tried to get a 4 foot blow up pumpkin into the boot of their car LMFAO....... but I was winding them up about that one ........ :) and everyone one hear pinches cuttings from garden centres....... I like to refer to it as 'pruning' lol xxxxxxxx

~(((fatty)))~ sick maybe but me and Sharon laffed so much the tears were rolling down our faces...... it was just the funniest morning out...... I love me sick friends lol xxxxx

~(((((Wendy))))~ DONT make me send you the squashed rabbit....... remember SYD lmfao.......

I still loves you too :) xxxxxx

~(((((((Ciara slagger skunk bagger))))~ Im aint sick and twisted lol well only in the head LMFAO........ oh please send a picture of a dead coyette...... thats off the roadrunner cartoon right? maybe you can get a picture of where he has been squashed by an anvil LMFAO.........xxxxxxx

~((((((((((Sharkie)))))))) a blokie after me own heart :) see ya didnt think this post was sick...... oh how I love you :) lol..... see its all of them that aint normal lol........ xxxxxxxxx

The Fool said...

H'lo M-Toasty. So, I take it that you run/hunt in pairs over there to stock your refridgerators for the winter? A striker & a skinner...hmmm. Your hunting is as peculiar as cricket.

Our road hunting is just plain dangerous over here. Moose & caribou can really do a number on a car. Porcupines screw up the tires (but you can recover the money by stripping the carcass of the quills for a local jewelry maker). Bears just fuck you up after you've pissed them off. Ptarmigan are no sport...they volunteer by the flock...and then set down again for you to try one more time if you missed the first time. The squirrels have no meat on them (just skin & nuts)...and those god-durned mountain sheep & goats are so hard to peg. Gunpowder is the preferred mode...you know, that testosterone surge. Have a great Saturday!

And sorry...I'll pass on the cabin swap...if only because you'd have to be present to be my "guide." I'm quite particular, and I don't just let any ol' loon show me around. Only the best. I'm sure a day of shopping together would be enough to set the world straight. Survival of the fittest and all...

;)

Silver Valley Girl said...

Your pictures aren't much different than a normal trip down any road here in north Idaho. Didn't gross me out at all...just seemed like home to me LOL!! If you ever come to visit us here in the northwest, you'd feel right at home.

MarmiteToasty said...

:) Rice left this on the wrong comment thingie lol.... so Ive moved it here..... gawds sake.... xx

rice said
This post was so funny. I loved it. My favorite part was your theory that someone is picking up the same dead badger and moving it from one part of the road to the other.

raymond pert said...

Your certificate acknowledging your honorary membership and service beyond the call to duty from the
SPCA should be arriving by post soon.

Rumor has it that you will be the keynote speaker, with power point picture presentation, at their next annual national conference.

Congratulations!!!!

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((rice))))~ :) I aint mad ya know LMFAO...... upon next seeing the so called 'dead badger' we will stop and investigate further :) xxx

~((((((MrP))))))~ smartarse LMFAO...... I DID NOT run the animals over..... they was already squashed lol....... as you can tell by my 'Janet Eric Brenda George and Stan RIP posts' I like animals lol....... but I await me certificate which I will hang with pride....... wow our animal protection peeps are called The RSPCA........

I always feel honoured when you pop over :) - ok ok Im always mega chufted.......xxx

MarmiteToasty said...

ps....... beyond the call of duty would of been scraping the squashed bits up and burying them ;)...... that to is NOT unheard of lol xxx

Ol' Lady said...

Thanks now I have coffee all over me key board...
I think we would have a blast hangin out together...your sense of humour is almost as sic as mine...
There is nothin wrong with road kill, I have spent many a night in the ditch with Ol Man, a flash light and a knife gettin some...and I don't mean that! I mean gettin some road kill fer the freezer cause the price is always right.

Side Note said...

I've got an artist friend that sells her pottery at Portland's Saturday Market. She's always collecting roadkill items to use in her work. Teeth mainly and bits of fur.

Jen said...

With two little boys, roadkill is a big deal. They always try to figure out what it is. Today we saw a porcupine on the way to church.

Jennifer said...

What a story to wake up too! ROFL
I can relate, sorry, but I can. We were driving home one dark night and it was down pouring...i mean, the rain was so thick I couldn't see the car in front of me. So, then my boys hear, squish squash...bump bump....They look out the side windows and a whole bunch (40 at least) frogs are crossing the highway in this rain and I'm squishing them all. The boys (12 and 6 at the time) are laughing so hard they got tears and I'm yelling, laugh quietly I can't see nothin! My hubby is in the car in front of me and is wondering why my lights are swerving in his review mirror as I try not to hit these frogs but end up aiming for everyone of them. All the while my boys have tears and red faces as they try and catch their breath in midst of laughter....
Anyway, Raymond Pert sent me over as I commented on his pic of a cottage that I thought was real...LOL I'm off to read that post now...hehe

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((ol' lady)))~ I to think it would be fun to hang out..... tucking me boobs back in me socks cos they are hanging out way to much....

Aint never eaten anything that has been squashed on the road....... I would if it was a family bucket of KFC though lol xxxxx

~(((((SideNote))))) wobbly bits...oh that means welcome back.... visions of a squashed squirels head being used as a handle for a jug lol........ :) xxx

~((jen)))~ welcome....... oh my I would love to see a porcupine, we only have hedgehogs, they are pretty impressive when squashed...... x

~(((jennifer))))~ LOL@squashed frogs, see if they was toads I would of stopped and gathered them up and made 'toad in the hole' with them.......

I did run over a cat once :( it went right round me wheel arch...... crunch bang crunch..... I stopped and I asked me matie if she thought it was dead........ the nasty cow couldnt stop laffing at me question.......

MrP makes me smile..... Im always reading his blob but I dont always comment..... its well posh and classy over there LOL xx

My cat often brings in a half chewed frog as a present :) I just lob them over me neighbours fence lol xx

funny aye........ jens must be like buses...... ya wait ages for one, then 2 come along at the same time LOL........ welcome the both of you....... please feel free to scroll back and read other rubbish lol....