Stuff Me Like A Trout And Smack Me With A Kipper - Ive Had Enough Of Bloody Fish

Ok............ in this room, sort of behind the computer is an arch way, that peeps through into me kitchen, ya see it use to be a window to the little yard out the back, but when I designed me kitchen extension, it went across the back of this little house so the window then became a hole on the inside of the house, so it was turned into a little open archway, not down to ground level but still at window height, it bought welcome light into, what would otherwise be a very dark little middle room...........

Anyways, for years and years we have had a fish tank in the arch on the shelf bit, and cos its double sided ya can see it from both this room and from the kitchen.... well it aint had fish in it for a few years, cos they kept snuffing it and I was fed up with spending loads of dosh on tropical fish........

We kept well expensive little red lobsters in it once, and I mean expensive.... except the little red sods climbed up the heater wire and out the little hole at the back where the wires poke though for the pump etc....... I found me cat chewing on something and when I grabbed the cat, I found it was only munching on me expensive little red lobsters...... Jebus, that cat has expensive taste, and the bloody lobsters shouldnt of tried to escape..... so you can see why I stopped spending any more on fish etc...

But last weekend, my Jacob asked me, that if he cleaned the skankie tank out, could we please get some more fish....... so I said ok.... but only cold water fish, no more topical ones for a while........ DEAL he said....... So last Saturday found us down the Aquarium shop buying a new pump and the gravel stuff and a new light.... Jebus, it all had to be replaced........ anyways with my help on Sunday, we set it all back up, with instructions from the bloke in the fish shop, to, run the pump for a week to 10 days, then come back with a sample of water and he will test it etc etc blah blah........

Well, by yesterday the water to us looked well clear :)....... so by my impatient reckoning, I thought why wait to buy fish right? just a few wouldnt hurt to like test it out right?...... and I could kill two birds/fish with one stone....... when I picked up the older nippers from school we could have a little education trip to the fish shop and they could all pick out one each...... and also help weigh out and mix Janets food.. right? good idea or what? ya see, some of these nippers aint never been in a fish shop before or weighed out chicken food LOL.....

So thats where we found ourselves at 3.45 yesterday, me, one baby and 7 other nippers in the fish shop........ Im sure some people thought all these kids were mine lol.....

So we picked up 3 zebra strip things(little) - 2 shubunkins - 2 black moors - and 2 gold things........ just as a test right....... just 20 quid ($40) and Im sure cold water fish survive anything, I mean they live in muddy ponds right?...... and then come the weekend, me and Jacob would shoot down to the other better fish place and get some of them fish that are well funny, you know the ones that look like they have their brains growing on the outside of their heads and the ones that have them great fat air filled cheeks......



This is the till receipt - see I aint fibbing lol :)

All the nippers were great, we came home carrying our goods with smiles and we plopped them into the fish tank......

Well first off one fish was already dead in the bag, but that might of been cos the baby grabbed the bag and squeezed it real hard in car lol....... but it was ok, cos the man in the shop said and I quote IF THEY DIE WITHIN 48 HOURS THEM YOU CAN BRING THEN BACK WITH THE RECEIPT AND WE WILL REPLACE THEM....... ya see he wouldnt know that Sprite had actually squeezed the life out of it........ anyways..... I digress....

So, we plop the fish into the tank, minus the dead one, when we realise that we have the pump set to high, cos as the fish swam near the pump outlet, there shot about 20 miles an hour in a jet of water and smashed into the end of the tank and then had to swim hell for leather to get out of the current lol........ so a few fiddles later all was well......... they seemed to be happy..... well they looked happy with little smiley faces...... swimming in and out of the weeds we bought....... and cos fish only have a very short memory, they would not remember that minutes before they were being shot through the water at a rate of knots.....

SOooooo all WAS good.......



This is a bad picture of the tank and some of the tester fish, you can see the back of me computer through the tank with me skankie cat sitting on the monitor lol....

The nippers parents came to pick their nippers up and all admired the fish, the nippers were all excited and pointing out the fish they had picked.... :)

So, I did dinner and then I had to take Jacob to his trampolining coaching........ so I had a few hours, sitting with me feet up reading me new book HEAVEN.....

We drove home, opened the back door, walked through into this middle room to be confronted with buckets and bowls and towels and dripping water EVERYWHERE........ OMG.......... WTF is going on here I shouted through the house.... much activity I could hear upstairs.....

Ya see, whilst I was out, my Tom had decided that since Stan our Praying Mantis had died the day before (which we fed to Eric) that he would set up Stans tank for fish, and had filled it with water etc and nicked a couple of our new fish to put in his tank....... he then tried to push a fully filled tank back onto his bedroom unit....... WHAT A PRATT .... the unit was NOT strong enough and the tank fell through the base and smashed ........ water gushed out everywhere, and the only place it could go was down..... yes down into THIS ROOM...... hence the buckets and bowls and towels..... and me 3 other lads had tried to soak up the mess....... so the carpet is now soaked as is Toms bedroom as is me first edition antique set of books........ but..... hey....... its only stuff and Im sure it will all dry........

So, I thought that was it......... that was the mad thing that had happened in the day....... yesterday........... ya see, NUFFIN in this mad house seems to EVER go right........ there is ALWAYS something that happens that aint normal.......


So this morning....... Colin, one of the dads, drops his 2 lads off and enquires if the fish survived over night........ Ive known Colin for over 3 years now and have had his lads for just over 2 years, so we know each others families real well....... this is this mornings convo with Colin..........

Colin: - So Mel, the fish survived then.... (he could see them swimming around)...

Me: - Well most did anyways.... but Tom's Tank smashed, hence me wet floor this morning....

Colin: - Well most? whats that mean?

Me: - Well, you know that Sprite squeezed one to death on the way back from the pet shop right? but Tom nicked a couple last night for his tank that smashed so he fed those 2 to Eric.... I dont know why he didnt just plonk them back into my tank.... but thats boys for ya...... well and one was missing....... AWL we thought.....

Colin: - Hang on Mel, how can you loose a fish in a tank....

Me: - Well, we looked and looked for it last night and Tom swore it was NOT one of the ones he nicked and then fed to Eric.......

Colin: - So you found it?...

Me: - Yeah, it had somehow swam behind the pump, into the tiny gap between the pump and the glass...

Colin: - Oh, thats alright, just unsucker the pump from the glass and it will swim out...

Me: - To late for that...

Colin: - To late?

Me: - Well, we got it out this morning by other means..

Colin: - Other means? I dont understand...

Me: - Colin, I dont think the fish understood much either...

Colin: - (now looking puzzled) so how did you get it out...

Me: - It was an honest mistake Colin, I didnt intentionally mean to hurt it right?

Colin: - ok Mel, what have you done? ...

Me: - Well so me or Jacob didnt get wet with fish tank water I thought it would be a good idea just to poke something down between the pump and the tank and then the fish would think 'what the hell' and would swim out.....

Colin: - Good idea..... sooooooooo?

Me: - Well the fish died.......

Colin: - Died? .... well you can take it back and get the money back, obviously not for the ones that Eric ate, and not for the one that Sprite squeezed to death that you then flushed down the loo ;) - but you did say the man said if they died within 48 hours he would replace or give you the money back...

Me: - I dont think he will give me the money back for this one, cos I cant really take it back...

Colin: - Why? did you flush it down the loo....

Me: - No, look its here.... - I bend down to the floor near the tank and pick up the fish......

WITH THAT COLIN LAFFS AND LAFFS AND LAFFS......

Me: - Colin, its not funny, actually its really sad...

Colin: - sad, SAD OMG OMG I DARE you to take it back and ask for the money back..... (laffing now almost uncontrolably)...

Me: - I dont think he will believe me that it had died of natural causes......

Colin: - I think I am scared to leave my children with you LMFAO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ....... god Mel....... just bloody god Mel..... whats with you.... gawds sake......

He left his lads and walked out the back door, stepping over Janet and giggling ....... I do not think thats was nice of him...

Ya see, I did think it was a good idea to try and poke the fish down between the gap, only all I could find that was thin enough to fit between the glass and the pump was a kebab stick......... :( well, when I poked, the kebab stick went right through the body of the fish, impaling it, and the more I tried to wiggle it off the more it got impaled..... and I had no choice but to pull the pump off the suckers to try and save the fish that was now half way up the kebab stick (they are proper bamboo ones ya know).........

:( but alas the fish died.......... I dont think I am going to have much luck with fish...... what do ya reckon......

Way to much Twaddle for a Wednesday x