Wednesday, 9 May 2007

Stuff Me Like A Trout And Smack Me With A Kipper - Ive Had Enough Of Bloody Fish

Ok............ in this room, sort of behind the computer is an arch way, that peeps through into me kitchen, ya see it use to be a window to the little yard out the back, but when I designed me kitchen extension, it went across the back of this little house so the window then became a hole on the inside of the house, so it was turned into a little open archway, not down to ground level but still at window height, it bought welcome light into, what would otherwise be a very dark little middle room...........

Anyways, for years and years we have had a fish tank in the arch on the shelf bit, and cos its double sided ya can see it from both this room and from the kitchen.... well it aint had fish in it for a few years, cos they kept snuffing it and I was fed up with spending loads of dosh on tropical fish........

We kept well expensive little red lobsters in it once, and I mean expensive.... except the little red sods climbed up the heater wire and out the little hole at the back where the wires poke though for the pump etc....... I found me cat chewing on something and when I grabbed the cat, I found it was only munching on me expensive little red lobsters...... Jebus, that cat has expensive taste, and the bloody lobsters shouldnt of tried to escape..... so you can see why I stopped spending any more on fish etc...

But last weekend, my Jacob asked me, that if he cleaned the skankie tank out, could we please get some more fish....... so I said ok.... but only cold water fish, no more topical ones for a while........ DEAL he said....... So last Saturday found us down the Aquarium shop buying a new pump and the gravel stuff and a new light.... Jebus, it all had to be replaced........ anyways with my help on Sunday, we set it all back up, with instructions from the bloke in the fish shop, to, run the pump for a week to 10 days, then come back with a sample of water and he will test it etc etc blah blah........

Well, by yesterday the water to us looked well clear :)....... so by my impatient reckoning, I thought why wait to buy fish right? just a few wouldnt hurt to like test it out right?...... and I could kill two birds/fish with one stone....... when I picked up the older nippers from school we could have a little education trip to the fish shop and they could all pick out one each...... and also help weigh out and mix Janets food.. right? good idea or what? ya see, some of these nippers aint never been in a fish shop before or weighed out chicken food LOL.....

So thats where we found ourselves at 3.45 yesterday, me, one baby and 7 other nippers in the fish shop........ Im sure some people thought all these kids were mine lol.....

So we picked up 3 zebra strip things(little) - 2 shubunkins - 2 black moors - and 2 gold things........ just as a test right....... just 20 quid ($40) and Im sure cold water fish survive anything, I mean they live in muddy ponds right?...... and then come the weekend, me and Jacob would shoot down to the other better fish place and get some of them fish that are well funny, you know the ones that look like they have their brains growing on the outside of their heads and the ones that have them great fat air filled cheeks......

DSCF3298

This is the till receipt - see I aint fibbing lol :)

All the nippers were great, we came home carrying our goods with smiles and we plopped them into the fish tank......

Well first off one fish was already dead in the bag, but that might of been cos the baby grabbed the bag and squeezed it real hard in car lol....... but it was ok, cos the man in the shop said and I quote IF THEY DIE WITHIN 48 HOURS THEM YOU CAN BRING THEN BACK WITH THE RECEIPT AND WE WILL REPLACE THEM....... ya see he wouldnt know that Sprite had actually squeezed the life out of it........ anyways..... I digress....

So, we plop the fish into the tank, minus the dead one, when we realise that we have the pump set to high, cos as the fish swam near the pump outlet, there shot about 20 miles an hour in a jet of water and smashed into the end of the tank and then had to swim hell for leather to get out of the current lol........ so a few fiddles later all was well......... they seemed to be happy..... well they looked happy with little smiley faces...... swimming in and out of the weeds we bought....... and cos fish only have a very short memory, they would not remember that minutes before they were being shot through the water at a rate of knots.....

SOooooo all WAS good.......

DSCF3296

This is a bad picture of the tank and some of the tester fish, you can see the back of me computer through the tank with me skankie cat sitting on the monitor lol....

The nippers parents came to pick their nippers up and all admired the fish, the nippers were all excited and pointing out the fish they had picked.... :)

So, I did dinner and then I had to take Jacob to his trampolining coaching........ so I had a few hours, sitting with me feet up reading me new book HEAVEN.....

We drove home, opened the back door, walked through into this middle room to be confronted with buckets and bowls and towels and dripping water EVERYWHERE........ OMG.......... WTF is going on here I shouted through the house.... much activity I could hear upstairs.....

Ya see, whilst I was out, my Tom had decided that since Stan our Praying Mantis had died the day before (which we fed to Eric) that he would set up Stans tank for fish, and had filled it with water etc and nicked a couple of our new fish to put in his tank....... he then tried to push a fully filled tank back onto his bedroom unit....... WHAT A PRATT .... the unit was NOT strong enough and the tank fell through the base and smashed ........ water gushed out everywhere, and the only place it could go was down..... yes down into THIS ROOM...... hence the buckets and bowls and towels..... and me 3 other lads had tried to soak up the mess....... so the carpet is now soaked as is Toms bedroom as is me first edition antique set of books........ but..... hey....... its only stuff and Im sure it will all dry........

So, I thought that was it......... that was the mad thing that had happened in the day....... yesterday........... ya see, NUFFIN in this mad house seems to EVER go right........ there is ALWAYS something that happens that aint normal.......


So this morning....... Colin, one of the dads, drops his 2 lads off and enquires if the fish survived over night........ Ive known Colin for over 3 years now and have had his lads for just over 2 years, so we know each others families real well....... this is this mornings convo with Colin..........

Colin: - So Mel, the fish survived then.... (he could see them swimming around)...

Me: - Well most did anyways.... but Tom's Tank smashed, hence me wet floor this morning....

Colin: - Well most? whats that mean?

Me: - Well, you know that Sprite squeezed one to death on the way back from the pet shop right? but Tom nicked a couple last night for his tank that smashed so he fed those 2 to Eric.... I dont know why he didnt just plonk them back into my tank.... but thats boys for ya...... well and one was missing....... AWL we thought.....

Colin: - Hang on Mel, how can you loose a fish in a tank....

Me: - Well, we looked and looked for it last night and Tom swore it was NOT one of the ones he nicked and then fed to Eric.......

Colin: - So you found it?...

Me: - Yeah, it had somehow swam behind the pump, into the tiny gap between the pump and the glass...

Colin: - Oh, thats alright, just unsucker the pump from the glass and it will swim out...

Me: - To late for that...

Colin: - To late?

Me: - Well, we got it out this morning by other means..

Colin: - Other means? I dont understand...

Me: - Colin, I dont think the fish understood much either...

Colin: - (now looking puzzled) so how did you get it out...

Me: - It was an honest mistake Colin, I didnt intentionally mean to hurt it right?

Colin: - ok Mel, what have you done? ...

Me: - Well so me or Jacob didnt get wet with fish tank water I thought it would be a good idea just to poke something down between the pump and the tank and then the fish would think 'what the hell' and would swim out.....

Colin: - Good idea..... sooooooooo?

Me: - Well the fish died.......

Colin: - Died? .... well you can take it back and get the money back, obviously not for the ones that Eric ate, and not for the one that Sprite squeezed to death that you then flushed down the loo ;) - but you did say the man said if they died within 48 hours he would replace or give you the money back...

Me: - I dont think he will give me the money back for this one, cos I cant really take it back...

Colin: - Why? did you flush it down the loo....

Me: - No, look its here.... - I bend down to the floor near the tank and pick up the fish......

WITH THAT COLIN LAFFS AND LAFFS AND LAFFS......

Me: - Colin, its not funny, actually its really sad...

Colin: - sad, SAD OMG OMG I DARE you to take it back and ask for the money back..... (laffing now almost uncontrolably)...

Me: - I dont think he will believe me that it had died of natural causes......

Colin: - I think I am scared to leave my children with you LMFAO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ....... god Mel....... just bloody god Mel..... whats with you.... gawds sake......

He left his lads and walked out the back door, stepping over Janet and giggling ....... I do not think thats was nice of him...

Ya see, I did think it was a good idea to try and poke the fish down between the gap, only all I could find that was thin enough to fit between the glass and the pump was a kebab stick......... :( well, when I poked, the kebab stick went right through the body of the fish, impaling it, and the more I tried to wiggle it off the more it got impaled..... and I had no choice but to pull the pump off the suckers to try and save the fish that was now half way up the kebab stick (they are proper bamboo ones ya know).........

:( but alas the fish died.......... I dont think I am going to have much luck with fish...... what do ya reckon......

Way to much Twaddle for a Wednesday x

41 comments:

Catch said...

I love to start the day with one of your stories!!! Puts the first smile of the morning on my face!

ciara said...

well, there's a saying here that goes: when life hands u lemons, make lemonade...your's could be: when life hands u fish, make fish kabobs lmao sorry couldn't help that one :) but ya got me laughing this morn ((((mel))))xoxo

Silver Valley Girl said...

What a delightful home you have, filled with so much lovely chaos. And you share about your "twaddle" in such a wonderful way. Thanks for keeping me smiling. Have a great day!!

JBelle said...

So, is it safe to eat your house? :) How will I really know where dinner came from??

Wondering said...

Oh boy Marmie...I'm on the fly but your post at jbelles regarding the mac and cheese recipe, reminded me of living in England and learning to cook and bake with entirely different nomenclature and measurements. Weighing flour and sugar? To say nothing of an hilarious conversation with the butcher over my request for ground round...mince to you! And then there was the Thanksgiving turkey...I shall blog on this story.

The Fool said...

Hi M-Toasty. Too funny. God help those nippers if one of them gets stuck behind a couch or something. I think you should try and return the fish though. Tell 'em that the fish spontaneously exploded (after all...a fish can't exactly spontaneously combust in water...the folks at the pet shop will never buy that). Try it. It might work.

Lynda said...

Oh, Mel....

I think maybe the fish should start praying. LOL

fatty said...

sushi for dinner then?
rofl

The Fool said...

Good evening, M-Toasty. Your stories are just the best. They make me laugh and feel so good about life. Can I have permission to share a few of your tales in the classroom with the kids? There are some gems with regard to voice and humor in writing...they would be inspirational...and I promise I'll keep your identity and your blog a secret. I promise. P-p-p-please? (big puppy dog eyes).

B.R.M said...

Too funny!

We have one fish - he is now two years old. A gold fish.

We had about 5 fish die before we got him.

I don't feel so bad now.

MarmiteToasty said...

~((((catch)))))~ first smiles of the day are precious ;) ... x

~((((Ciara slaggybag)))))~ I felt real bad last night, I had salmon for me tea and all the fish (well all thats left) was pressed up against the glass looking out, and their mouths kept opening and shutting, Im sure they was swearing at me LOL ... x

~(((Silver valley)))~ swapping your words 'delightful home' for words 'mental institution' ..... hehehe and MrP must have a fit when he reads me bad spelling and grammar, I can write well proper if I want to, but then it wouldnt be me :) ... x

~(((JBelle))))~ We'll give anything a try once lol... well except for hearts, I dont do hearts :) ...thats hearts as in dead animal hearts stuffing and throbbing on ya dinner plate...xxxx

~(((wondering)))~ yep we call it mince lol...... and ours is minced finer then yours..... I was gobsmacked when I was in the states and me maties took us to a supermarket lol..... I was sooooooo intrigued by your stuff...... Im sure I would get use to it though.......as long as I could still get marmite and mullerice fruit corner yogurts I'd be fine, oh and HP Sauce, oh and and and and lol ... x

~(((Foolie)))~ Colin was so laffing and saying you ought to take it back stuck on the kebab stick lol...and you laff, but I did have a nipper climb over the back of the armchair in the corner and all I could see was 2 little feet wiggling in the air and screams lol..... just whipped him out by dragging him by his feet lol... xxx

~(((Lynda)))~ well we did have a praying mantis up until in the week, and that did HIM a lot of good didnt it lol... maybe I should buy a 'monk fish' :) ... xx

~(((fatty)))~ I had sushi ONCE.... omg it made me sooooo very ill.... never again, if I was made to eat raw fish I would strip naked and chew on a kipper lol... xx

~((((Foolie))))~ why you would wanna share me life tales is beyond me, but of course you can... but Ive been hunting me posts for 'gems' and I cant find nuffin.... you must read with different glasses on lol.... I dont have no problem with you using me name and me country :) - but you know I have copyright and Shark is me solicitor as well as me agent LMFAO ... xxxxxx

~(((brm)))~ welcome back, when we thought all the tropical fish had died in the tank before, we turned the pump off and the heater and just left it there sort of still for months and months and months and when I then emptied the water we found a red tailed shark that had adapted to his surroundings, so it just goes to show, most live creatures can at a push survive anything and anywhere :)... xxxx

And bloody Shark being away, I aint got no one to turn off the bloody lights...... he is in trouble when he gets back.....

x

And as far as the puppydog eyes..... you know the last dog I had was 'put down' by the vet? :(

the psycho therapist said...

Poor fishies.

--

Akelamalu said...

Fish kebab! :)

Side Note said...

There are other fish in the sea.

Ol' Lady said...

are you servin chips with yer fish?

ciara said...

ok, so far there's fish n chips, fish kabobs, sushi...here's my contribution for today: FISH STICKS

mel, not sure if they're swearing as much as they're worrying who's meal they might be lol

Wondering said...

Marmie...you are killing me!!! HP sauce. I could get it when I lived back east, but not here. At least not the real thing made in the UK. They make it under license here but it is not the same. And Knorr bread sauce mix. Chicken is just not the same without bread sauce. And clotted cream..aarrrgh!

E. H. said...

Waterlooville? what kind of name is that? Maybe it just dropped the "n" and the name is really "Waterloonville?"

MarmiteToasty said...

~((((((((Wendy)))))))))~ hey you, missed you ~ yeah poor fishys :( xxxxx

~((Akelamalu))~ welcome, shouldnt that be shish kebab? or is that how someone with a lisp would say it LOL x

~((SideNote))~ welcome back, was wondering if you was ok....... well I would of said, there are plenty more fish in the shop LOL :) xxx

~((ol' lady))~ well I thought about battered fish, but thought I would get done for battering them by animal cruelty :).... ps... battered fish is where its dipped in a batter and deep fried like in the village chippie :) ... xx

~(((Ciara slaggy))) SHUT UP lol xx

~(((Wondering)))~ :) slip me your address and I'll send ya some right proper HP Sauce ....... not the fake stuff you have over there lol xx

~((((Starr))))~ Waterlooville aint where I live, its where one of the Fish shops is..... and apparently the soldiers and sailors stopped there on there way to the Battle of Waterloo, when it was a tiny hamlet and they then renamed the hamlet Waterlooville, and even one of the pubs there is called The Heros..... actually its a dump of a place LOL...... :) xx

Queenie said...

Everyone has said all the witty comments I could think of.But you made me giggle.
The clock I have it on good advise, just press it on my blog and follow the instuctions that come up. Let me know how you get on, and if it don't work I will go back to the drawing board

ciara said...

queenie...i don't know if u know bout our 'doodle' mcdonald's fish sandwich. but mel could just slap the fish bt two pieces of bread, add cheese, throw some tartar sauce on it, and call it 'filet-o-fish' lol

sorry (((mel..slapper tart))), had to throw one more in there before i shut up lol xoxo

ciara said...

wait, wait, wait...i also forgot-how bout a 'fish fry'? lol

ciara said...

better yet...use snipped telly wire, lightening, and fish....for a real 'fish fry' experience lmao jk love ya matie xoxoxo

Lora said...

Soooooooooo entertaining ! I nevr have to go to the movin pictures or rent a dvd anymore !! lol

colleen said...

What, no chips with the fish?

That's quite a zany zoo you're running there! I think you should all get a reality TV show!

E. H. said...

tis been my experience, albeit limited, that 'dump of a place' bars are where the locals go and the best beer is to be found. So Heros goes on my 1 million things to do before I die list, and it debuts at 999,999.

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((Queenie)))~ giggles are good..... Ive clicked on the clocks and choosen then clicked on the what I think is to add it and then bugger all........ I'll have a faff around over the weekend sometime.... fanks xx

~(((Ciara slapper)))~ SHUT UP lol xxxxx

~(((((lora))))~ :) see I save ya dosh, no more cinema fees lol xxxxx

~((((Starr))))~ aint locals that drink at the Heros, its just arseholes, blimey I fink thats where me X drinks LOL ;) xxx

OK maties, I probably wont be around for a bit, just stuff......so be safe and be happy....will miss ya, and if ya see Sharkie tell him to leave the light on..... ya know.... the harbour light ... xxxxxx

MarmiteToasty said...

add this in :)

~((colleen)) - somedays I just crave for a simple life...... xxx

green libertarian said...

Don't you go anywhere, Mel! There's a song I love about how the fishies don't remember nuffin: (Well the song's about much more really, here's a snippet.)

in a coffee shop in a city
which is every coffee shop
in every city
on a day which is every day
i pick up a magazine
which is every magazine
and read a story then forgot it right away

they say goldfish have no memory
i guess their lives are much like mine
the little plastic castle
is a surprise every time
it's hard to say if they are happy
but they don't seem much to mind


Ani Difranco
Little Plastic Castle

OK, the birds are chirping here, I better try and get some sleep.

((((((Marmite)))))))

Ordinary Janet said...

well, no one can accuse you of having a boring life! ;-)

Side Note said...

I once swallowed a live goldfish at a bar in Moscow. Got a free drink outta the deal.

Lynn said...

I don't have much luck with fish, either, Mel, but I did enjoy having them while they lasted. I wonder if I could give another try...:-)

OrdinaryShark said...

Hey Mel-
The lights are all out and what's all the water on the floor? And that flip-iddy sound sound coming from under the couch..Mel?... Mel?
/Click/
OMG!!!

Jump to the Left said...

Look here.

xo

susan said...

Marm,
I thought I was the worst person to have fish, but now, now I don't think so. Oh my gosh, you crack me up!!!!!!!!

Kati said...

ROFLMAO!!!!! Oh, Toasty.... Thanks for the laugh, I needed that!!!! My daughter had a goldfish that lived for 4 years, at one point. I hated that damned thing, as I was the one who always ended up cleaning out the freaking tank. Then we got more fish (including a shabukin) and they evidently were sickly, and killed off our 4 year old goldfish. DD was devastated. I wasn't. ;)

The Woman said...

BWAHAHA! I'm sorry... I'm thinking that the cat was just waiting for you to mess this one up!

At least Janet got her feed without incident!

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((Green))))~ I think we might be sticking to battered cod from the chippie...... whats left of the fishes dont look to happy this morning...... fanks for the song... xxxx

~(((OrdinaryJanet)))~ sometimes I crave for a life that just runs smooth lol..... but I know, when me lads are grown and all this mental madness has gone, then a huge part of me will shrivel up and die....... xx

~((((SideNote)))~ OMG..... did you then gag it back up? cos that would make a great party trick.... xx

~((Lynn))~ I think we will have to take this pump back its to powerful for the tank and the fishes that are left look exhausted trying to fight swimming in the current lol..... maybe its just not meant to be... xx

~((Sharkie))~ hey, been missing you, hope your having a great time thou...... and that flip-iddy sound is me rolling around in me tears cos ya left the dam lights on..... your sacked sonny :) xx

~(((Jump)))~ pretty pretty pictures, BUT I do so reckon that they touched up the colours a tad, where mine was el natural :)..... thought I was gonna click on your link and find a kebabed fish LOL ... xx

~(((Susan))))~ I have a head full of fish tales, thats tales not tails..... we/I aint had much luck as far as fishes go lol I will have to tell you about the time we had fish in a half oak whiskey barrel in the garden :) or the time when I tipped the little bowl we use to have in the sink and the fish slid down the plug hole but I grabbed its tail, its tail was this side of the plughole and the fish was the other...... it was a puzzle :)...... xxxxx

~(((kati)))~ well hark at you laffing at me life, it AINT funny ya know....... Im a fish murderer lol...... xxx

~(((the woman))))~ :) well it has been Eric our boise lizard that gained so far from the dead fish..... oh and whatever lives in the sewer cos I flushed one down the loo...... xx

fatty said...

i don't know.. is it mother's day over there? it is here and so i'm wishing you a happy mother's day.. you're one fabulous mum!

E.H. said...

"boise lizard"...hmmm. what exactly is that. we have a lot of "boise lizards" in idaho, but not sure if they are the same thing

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((fatty)))~ we had mothers day here back in March...... see, we is always one step ahead of you doodles LMFAO..... fanks anyways though and a HAPPY MUVVERS DAY to you xxxx

~(((Starr)))~ if you scroll back on this post.......

http://marmitetoasty.blogspot.com/2007/03/welcome-to-brenda-and-george-karmas.html

You will see a picture of Eric our Boise Lizard, who this morning shed his skin....... he is outgrowing his house and we might have to pass him on to someone else....... we did rescue him in the first place....... you have there there WILD?? your winding me up right? xxx