Thursday, 31 May 2007

Jebus - She Would of Been Well Old.......

Ok....... this is just a tiny post....... ya can still comment on the previous one if ya wish, and no one will probably comment on this one, and thats fine, but I just need to get this out lol.......and knowing me I will delete the whole bloody stupid post lol....

Today 31st May would of been me mums birthday, if she had lived she would of been the ripe old age of 82..... Jebus thats well old......... my mum was a mean bitter wicked woman, everyone said so, except the tiny few friends she had, and they was very few, but when I close me eyes I can vaguely capture a few times when she had been nice....... I know people say, well ya only remember the bad bits..... but in this case its easier to remember the good bits LOL cos they was few and far between.......

She died in November 1999 of lung cancer, exactly 12 weeks after my father died also of cancer after being in Scotland to recupe from open heart surgery....so I lost both me parents AND my siblings all in one hit...... my siblings stopped me going to my fathers funeral, well, didnt stop me, just didnt tell me where it was gonna be, right up in Scotland...... so I said me goodbyes to him in a tiny chapel perched on the side of the cliffs in Cornwall..... ya see I rang all around Scotland where me sister lived to find out if they had a deceased bloke by the name of Reggie and if so what time was he gonna be 'done'....it dont matter where ya say goodbye, its whats in ya heart and soul that matter, not the fact that ya standing in a church or a cremation place..... I mean no despect with my words..... so if you are offended by them, then Im truely sorry........deeply I am....

But this is not about my father, this is about my mother....... ya see, she hated me, for as long as I can remember from a tiny child she/they hated me..... ya see, I was suppose to be the boy that replaced a twin that had died 2 years previous, my brother that is alive and 2 years older then me was a twin but my mother lost one at 5-6 months whilst pregnant........ and I was suppose to be the replacement......... but.......dah dahhhhhhh I was a girl LOL......... this aint bloody china ya know.... gawds sake.....they also had to move just after I was born, from the little house they loved to a well rough nasty council estate, cos there little house on the seashore was being purchased by the council to build a carpark.....in those days one had no choice, no arguement, if the council needed your land or house they they bought it...and I will add at a fraction of the cost....

But, do you know, that to this day the little plots of land where the little seafront wooden bungalows once stood has never been built on..... that must of been hard for my parents to stomach........ and last year, I went and climbed through the overgrown undergrowth and actually found the old concrete door step of the little house where I was born..... I knew where it was cos its right next to the seashore pub and sailing club that my father use to belong to, and the pub where as kids he would drag us all along so that he could still be with his maties...... I have taken me own kids to the pub on the shore at Milton Locks... and told them all about what their grandfather did as a young man...... I dont mean to me, I mean all the stories he would tell about his sailing days and everything, I would NEVER tell them anything but the times when my fathers eyes would light up with memories.....

How I survived childhood is beyond me..... stubborn, strong, knowing right from wrong, morals that somehow were in my head without ever being shown what morals were.....

Growing up and trying to be accepted I was a bit of a Tom Boy, I suppose I was trying to BE the boy they had wanted.... even had me hair cut at the barbers with me brother in the hope that maybe they would like me..... lol

I asked once that if they didnt love me could they maybe just like me for who I was......... WRONG WORDS lol...... couldnt sit down for about 2 weeks LOL but it was what it was.....

I do not hate either of them for all that went on..... I would just of loved a few answers thats all....

No doubt they had their reasons, and obviously deeper then the reasons Ive stated, reasons though, whatever they maybe, is NEVER a reason for abuse, to them they must of thought they was valid......oh well...

I cant as yet tell much about any of this....... but....... through all of everything...... I loved me mum to the day she died........she died with so many unanswered questions...... so many questions....... and my Auntie Jean will NOT speak to me about anything because..... after not being told where my father was being 'done' I decided that there was no point to going to my mums funeral..... I mean, she had not spoken to me for 3 years and had only seen my sons if I dropped them off at the corner of where she lived so that she didnt have to see my face ..... which after a year, I thought was bloody daft, it was either see us all or dont bother......so I sat in our village church at the time I knew that she was being cremated elsewhere........ my siblings never told me where they scattered either me father or me mother....... so I cant even asked them WHY...... maybe thats why I go and talk to me matie Tina.. ya know, the Tina from the RudeMan post a few back :)...

Non of this will make sense to anyone but me...... its all stacked high in me head........ its all stored...... its all clear....... every single thing......every story.... every beating...... every cruel act....... just now, there will never be answers......but like other things that have happened in life, I try not to dwell on it, or I would go bonkers lol..... it was what it was at the time that it was........

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM.....

Anyways MrP, SilverValley and InlandEmpireGirl's mum is gonna adopt me, in exchange for a jar of marmite :) - wooooo hooooooo I get to hang with the crowd lol..... :)

Sorry....... just Twaddling a load of old bollocks........

On a lighter note.......

Did you know that also today May 31, in 1678 Coventry, England commemorates the naked ride of Lady Godiva through the town in a protest of taxes. Her husband, Leofric, was an earl and very involved in building projects. To get the money, he did what most politicians do--he raised taxes. Lady Godvia ( 990?--1067 ) felt pity for the people and nagged Leofric about his oppressive taxes. To shut her up, he promised to lower taxes if she rode naked through Coventry. His lovely wife accepted the challenge and went on her ride clothed only in her long hair. People were supposed to keep doors and windows shut and most did but Tom, the tailor, bored a hole in his shutters to sneak a peek. He became known as Peeping Tom but did pay for his curiosity when he was struck blind. He never forgot her beauty and talked about the charms of Lady Godiva to his dying day.

Ok I licked and sticked that last paragraph from 'The Scribbler's Pen's Blob' but he dont come here so wont know lol and what he dont know wont kill him :).....

I might go out tonight and find me a horse and ride bum naked around me village lol....... me hair is not quite shoulder length so I will have to cover up with combing me hairy armpits to hid my embarrassment LOL....or comb up me unshaved legs ;) - hey Im European lol...

ok....... this post might self destruct in 20 minutes....... or once Ive had me dinner, and at just gone 8pm Im bloody starving.....



Twaddle over........ x

24 comments:

The Fool said...

Hi M-Toasty. There is NO excuse for child abuse. None. You're a very strong woman matie. Hugs to you.

And yes, indeed, it's the heart and soul that matter, and you seem to have more heart and soul than average...so you matter. You radiate heart & soul beams.

Finally, if you're out gallavanting naked through the streets on a horse later on...you'll just have to have someone take a pic and write a post. Marmite Godiva...it has an interesting ring to it.

:)

Have a terrific Thursday.

Bugwit said...

I can't pretent to know exactly what happened to you, but I do understand what you are talking about, Mel.

((((Marmy))))


I hope you don't take this down.

By the way, horses may be hard to come by, so I suggest a moped.

MAke sure you buzz up and down the street of the TV announcer a few times. ;-)

Wondering said...

Ah Marmee...you are living proof that "that which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger".

Still, I do understand the hurt. How does a child, or even an adult, comprehend a parent who doesn't love them.

Having ridden for years, I've always wondered if Lady Godiva had, at least, a saddle blanket. Cause I'm here to tell you, a horses backbone on a bare bum.....yeow!

Kati said...

Toasty.... No words to say, really. Just (((((HUGS))))) and more (((((HUGS))))) for what you went through as a child, and the emotional pain you have now regarding your childhood.

Did get a chuckle out of your last couple of paragraphs, though. Let us know if you decide to make such a ride. ;)

susan said...

Well, ya know what. Happy Birthday to your Mum. If she gave birth to you, you wonderful thing, then she did at least one thing right, and if you can honor her then you are a daughter she should have been proud of.

Mel, you are precious. I appreciate your willingness to share. Your words are not lost.

Rice said...

OMG,
I can't beat what Susan just said, so beautifully. Your Mum did one thing right. It sounds like you have a heart of gold.
Family can really do some heavy damage! I'm glad you have risen above it all.
Pat
NY

Peanut said...

Well, I don't really know what to say about your mum and dad, mel.. I love you though, and maybe my mum will adopt you too! lol I suppose maybe my thoughts and heart are a bit too close to the subject of death right now.. nan is still holding on.. I'm wondering if she's "waiting" for me.. at least twice today I've wondered that. And yet my parents have told me to wait..

It's hard. Really hard.

Anyway.. about your lighter subject. Years ago, I went on holiday, and stayed in Coventry. The hotel was called "The Hotel Leofric" .. and from the balcony of the main bar/restaurant room, you could see the clock. Every hour, "Godiva" would come out starkers on her horse, and "Tom" would peep out his window.

I'd go out and watch it every night... lol

Oh lord.. I'm a wicked woman. lol

There were a bunch of German tourists.. they asked me how much it cost to see the "show" ... so I told them it was really cheap, and only cost 25p a go.

"Who do we give money to?"

Me

(said with a straight face)

Geeze.... they believed me.

I was a good girl though, and owned up.. lol lol

fatty said...

(((mel))) it's an amazing thing.. to be able to give unconditional love.. and you are an amazing woman to give that to your mom..

it speaks volumes of your character and soul...

now ride like the wind woman!

InlandEmpireGirl said...

Hi M-Toasty:
It is hard to read this stuff and imagine what you endured. You are an amazing woman to move forward and believe in your own heart. Yes, our mum will adopt you and if I can get her to hook up online she will comment on your blog!!! Be good to yourself dear, you deserve it!

toadman said...

We've already adopted you, you daft woman! You're "aunti marmy" to the boys...

I second what The Fool (and others) have said, both about the child abuse, and the snapping of a shot of you starkers on a horse, or a scooter...be sure you visit the house of the lady who's garden Gnome you flattened. I'm sure she'll love seeing you ride through her yard on a motor bike naked....that'd make her day!!

Oh, and I expect pictures of you someday. The boys want to know what aunti marmy looks like (fully clothed, of course)! For that matter, so do toadgirl and me!!

The Woman said...

You might not realize it, but in reading this post, I sense that you have found forgiveness in your heart for your mum and dad. You're right, it doesn't matter where you say good-bye. Even if you'd been in attendance, they weren't. HUGS

I think I might reconsider the whole Lady Godiva re-enactment plan. I hear there are laws against that sort of thing these days. Cackle

Betty said...

I understand what you're saying. Sometimes, you have to just move on and let go of the people who hurt you, even if they are your own family. But, you already know that, and you've built a good life for yourself, if your "blob" is any indication. Good for you.

OrdinaryShark said...

Marmy- Susan nailed it perfectly. (go Susan, go Susan). While the things that your parents did are both unspeakable (figuratively) and incomprehensible I find that you character and strength are nothing short of remarkable.
Now what is this fascination with Ms. Godiva and how does Wondering know what she knows...
Hugs for you.

Ol' Lady said...

sometimes out of ugly comes beauty...that sounds like you to me :)
I would like pics if ya do go for the ride...

Catch said...

I am sending you a huge hug! I am sorry Marmie that your parents never got to know what a wonderful woman you are. How you love life and find enjoyment in everything. You have a wonderful heart Marmie and I love you!

MarmiteToasty said...

ok maties - First of all I wanna fank you for your lovely comments...... but what you need to understand is this........ it was what it was at the time that it was.... whether the time was as a child or as an adult, its done and dusted :) - I didnt put this post up for anything more then what it was..... My Mothers Birthday.... I didnt even realise it was THE DAY until a few minutes before I posted, I never think or plan what I will post, I just sit and let me fingers type..... one can not change ones past except walk forward with big proud steps...but like everything from the past, it is the history of whom we are.... :) - bollocks right? LMFAO .....

~((((Foolie))))~ your right no excuses ever.... I would like to think that I have heart and soul, those and my humour can NEVER be taken or beaten from me :)... pics of naked riding being processed now ;) lol xxxxx

~((((Bugs)))~ see how brave I am, I aint taken it down lol.....

ok, I couldnt find a moped but borrowed me Jacobs mini moto :) pics to follow LMFAO... fanks bugs xxxxxxx

~(((wondering))))~ fanks, it doesnt hurt, but its like a maths problem that ya just cant get the right answer to, no matter how many times ya try and figure it out, so its best just to not bother and pass on that one, cos life is NOW in this moment in time.... :) xxx

~(((kati)))~ the pain has long gone, but ya know what, so much I knew was so very wrong, but my stubborn heart and my very stubborn soul stood proud and firm even as a child :) .... and that stubborn 'wont be beaten down' got me so many extra beatings LOL.. xx

~(((((Susan)))))~ I do honour this woman that was my mother..... she must have been in so much internal pain to have been so bitter towards many things.. and to take that anger out on others....I was her bashing post, I know that.. as I grew I would feel so sad for her, sad in a way that I would of done anything to of changed her situation.... xxxxxxxxx

~((((rice)))~ well she taught me to knit LMFAO...... so that is the one thing I am truely grateful to her for :) xxx

~((((Peanut)))~ you know my thoughts and love are with you and your nannie...... and as your parents only live but a few miles from me and your out of the country, can I have your bedroom in their house LOL..... and what about all the pocket money they must owe me :)

LOL@your story :) xxxxxxx

~((((fatty)))~ cripes I wouldnt say amazing lol - I am just me.... Ive always been just me :) xxx

~((((Inland))))~ again, not amazing, maybe strong willed and knowing right from wrong in my soul..... ((((inlands mum)))) :) xxxx

~((((((Toads)))))))~ gawds sake lol...... and I loves you and your family so very much :)...... xx

~(((the woman))))~ I dont know about foregiveness as such, but there is no anger there, non at all..... xxxxxx

~(((((betty))))~ sometimes there is no other choice but to stick ya chin out and walk with big strides..... xxxx

~((((((((Sharkie))))))))~ pinning on a chuftie badge 'character and strength' and running away to join the circus :).....hugs are always nice :) xxxxxxx

~((((ol' lady)))))~ does that beauty include me weepy hump me draggy leg and me wonkie eye? :) fanks.....xxxxx

~(((((catch)))))~ well, they did know me as the person I am, I caught me mum looking at me once up our plant nursery (yes I tried to even include them in my life and kids lives) and as I stared her in the eyes she smiled and said.....

'you are everything I wish I could have been.....'

oh well..... she had her choices, its what we decide to do with those choice as to whom the person we become in life...... xxxxxx

FANKS FOR ALL YOUR KIND WORDS, I REALLY DONT DESERVE THEM..... ya see, I aint no one special..... Im just Mel.... I dont know how to be anyone but me.... just me....

((((((((((((maties))))))))))) xxxxxxxx

B.R.M said...

You are awesome!

Love,

TN BECKY

Lynn said...

"None of this will make sense to anyone but me..."

It makes perfect sense to me.

{{{{{{{{Mel}}}}}}}}

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((brm)))~ oh hush ya gob will ya lol xxx

~(((((((Lynn)))))))) Ive got your back girl xxxxxxxx

green libertarian said...

well, they did know me as the person I am, I caught me mum looking at me once up our plant nursery (yes I tried to even include them in my life and kids lives) and as I stared her in the eyes she smiled and said.....

'you are everything I wish I could have been.....'


That says it all.
crying and laughing again, (((((Marmite)))))

You ARE a survivor. Far stronger than most people.

Your determination is unbelievable.

MarmiteToasty said...

~((((((MrGeen))))))~ what alternative is there but to survive :) - love you xxxxxx

jolie-jordan said...

you will not believe this but that was my mom's birthday too and she would have turned 80.
she was not kind to me either. much in common for two who grew up so far apart. that you and me.
xxxJolie

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((jolie-jordan)))~ sounds like so much in common, except you wear hats and I DONT do hats LOL..... :)..... all these miles separate us, yet our lives run a parallel line....... strange aye :).....xxxxx

Anonymous said...

What a crock of lying bullshit. You melody have what is known as manchausen syndrome. You make up shit to garner sympathy. I only hope that you realize your lying and not actually deluded enough to believe this pathetic crap your spouting. You poor sad hard done by thing you. I wonder if these people would be so sympathetic to know the sort of nasty spiteful bitch you have always been. Mum and dad disowned you because of that very fact. You slowly alienated yourself from all your friends then neighbors and eventually your family. Strange you haven't mentioned your screaming fits on these pages. Or nastiness about easter dinners. How about the lies you sent to Sandra about Paul and Vicky very???? Do you think were all stupid??? The whole family has known for years your sick in the head so to stop you trying to split us all up with your lies we exchange notes. But this page of lies is a whole new level of sick and deranged. You need help melody. Serious professional help. The only abuse in your life has been what you have done to your family.

Sibling brother that stopped you going to both your parents funerals because they didn't want a nasty bit of work like you there.