Sunday, 6 May 2007

They Laffed And Called Me A Bloody Loon - Dam Blokies

Ok........... What you have to understand is that I do NOT have a doorbell on me little house, if someone knocks on me door and Im out the back or in the kitchen, they would be standing there all day, cos I NEVER hear anyone knocking the door unless Im in me little lounge..... but maties know, as does me Postie and Jim the bloke that delivers me pet food on a Friday (yes we have a blokie with van that delivers any amount or food to me door, no delivery charge)... to just come around the back and either hammer on the back door or as Jim does, just knock and open the door..... or if I aint in just leave whatever stuff they have on me back step......

But on Friday, I grabbed Sprite (the baby I childmind) and was on me way out the front door when I heard it knock........ Goodness, not only was Jim standing there with me cat food and me bird stuff (shame he dont sell dead white mice or live crickets), but me Postie Brian was also there with me post.......

Its well funny cos I made Brian me postie still post me letters through me letter box LOL with me door open....... :) I am so mean to Brian me Postie sometimes, but that will teach him for knocking me up some Saturday mornings when Im having a lay-in......

Anyways........... this is the weird conversation that went on with Jim (me pet food bloke) and Brian (me postie) and me...

Jim: - Oh Mel that was lucky I caught you, that will be six quid.....

Me: - Ok, let me go find some dosh....

Postie: - Oh looks like you have a letter from the states (he is soooo nosey).....

Me: - Gawds sake Brian, do ya wanna open it and read it for me?...

Postie: - Are you serious Mel?...

Me: - Brian, shut up now will ya, sometimes you are a right dinlo...

Jim: - Mel do you know you have some sort of wire dangling down the front of the house from the roof? only I didnt notice it last week (Jim and his Wifey have been me maties for nigh on 16 years)...

ALL THREE OF US STEP BACK FROM ME LITTLE FRONT DOOR TO STARE AT THIS DANGLY WIRE...

3 May 07 004

Me: - Oh yeah, I know...

Postie: - It looks a little dangerous to me...

Jim: - Mel, what is it?...

Me: - Oh, its the aerial wire for the telly...

Jim: - So whys it dangling down the front of the house like that and just hanging...

Postie: - Is it electrical? ...

Me: - Brian, dont be stupid, it goes to the telly aerial on the roof, its not plugged into the electric supply....... and Jim, its dangly there like that cos I cut it in the week...

Jim: - What do you mean you cut it?... why would you cut your telly aerial wire and leave it dangling like that?...

Me: - Brian, havent you got post to delivery... (trying to get rid of him cos I realised this convo was going downhill)...

Postie: - It can wait, Im intrigued...

Me: - ok OK.... in the week on the local news they said we was gonna be having thunder and lightening storms over night......

Jim: - Yes, and?...

Me: - Well me matie Mark (Sharons hubby) told me that sometimes in lightening storms the lightening can hit ya telly aerial, go down the wire and make ya telly explode in ya lounge and start a fire....he knows these things cos he is a proper Fireman...

Jim: - Only in very rare cases Mel..... so I think he was winding you up.......sooooooo, you did what?....

BOTH JIM AND ME POSTIE BRIAN NOW HAD THIS SORT OF SMURK ON THEIR FACES AND THEY KEPT LOOKING AT EACH OTHER AND SMILING AND SHAKING THEIR HEADS.....

Me: - So, when it started to rain, ya know the night they said we was gonna have thunder and lightening, I reached out me bedroom window in the rain with me pruning shears and snipped the wire, that way, if the lightening hit me telly aerial, then it wouldnt carry on down the wire and blow me telly up and set me house on fire.....

POSTIE IS NOW ALMOST ROLLING AROUND ON THE PAVEMENT LAFFING HIS HEAD OFF and JIM IS DOING REAL LOUD BELLY LAFFS.....

Me: - WHATS so funny.....

Jim: - You are...... are you some sort of dinlo?

Me: - Jim thats not nice, I can always cancel me petfood order ya know...

Postie: - That is the funniest thing Ive heard all week...

Me: - Im serious, I'll just cancel me food order...

Postie: - Not that ya daft cow, the fact that you hung out ya bedroom window in the pouring rain and snipped ya telly aerial wire and now its just swinging there in the air... LMFAO... HAHAHAHAHAH (holding his sides while laffing)...

Jim: - You're serious Mel aint ya? you aint winding us up?

Me: - Well, Jim, its better to be safe then sorry...safety first and all that...

HUGE BELLY LAFFS FROM THE BOTH OF THEM...

Jim: - Its a shame I dont sell Straight Jackets cos I think you need HELP.... gawds sake woman.... are you a loon or what?

Me: - Well you just wait until the next storm, when the lightening hits your telly aerial and theres a fire....

Jim: - Oh yeah, of course I read about that daily in the newspaper.... Mel, just give me the 6 quid.....

Me: - Oh thats right, you both laff, just take the piss...... do either of you know how to join me wire back on cos the little telly now dont work with no aerial :)

Postie and Jim: - Bye Mel :) - BOTH WALKING AWAY SHAKING THEIR HEADS AND GIGGLING...

WHATS WITH THESE BLOKES......... DONT THEY KNOW NUFFIN..... how was I to know that Mark was just winding me up....... I so aint gonna tell him I cut me wire... he will laff and think Im a right bloody dinlo...which I aint, right?

So with that I put Sprite in the car and went to the market.... bloody daft blokes...

3 May 07 002

And yes, I do even have a cushion in me car with a chicken on it lol.... me Matie Wendy (not PT Wendy) made it for me birthday...

Enough Twaddle for a bright Sunday....

x

38 comments:

JBelle said...

That's a damned fine looking pillow!

E. H. said...

so Jim thinks you're a loon? wonder how he came to that conclusion? the worst type of tragedy is when you are talking on the telly in a thunderstom. if the lightning hits the line, anywhere, it will instantly crispifry you. And have you ever seen a computer screen explode? Not a pretty site. Have to pick all that plastic out of whats left of your face. jim's a smart guy. say did you know that when you move to siberia, before you turn in for the evening, you will have to turn out the northern lights?

MarmiteToasty said...

~((JBelle))~ I so LOVE that little cushion, see, every year me matie Wendy is the only one here that knows when me birthday is, and she ALWAYS gets or makes me something to do with either chickens or cats :)..ya see, me love of chickens goes back way further then when I found Janet... she is a very dear friend and except for one thing I can tell her anything, we are as close as close can be.... :) xx

~((Starr))~ ok so now YOUR the dinlo lol..... a 'telly' is NOT a telephone ya dinny...... a 'telly' is a television LOL....... and oh my, one day I soooooo wanna see them northern lights......

We do have cable telly for the main telly but the aerial is for the little portable one.. well it was LOL...

Packing me snowshoes, skis, pink flower tent and sleeping bag and heading to siberia....... do you know, on Friday whiles up the main shops with me matie, I found a shop that has a pink flowered camping chair :) it was like 10 quid which is twice as dear as the normal green ones...... and next week Im gonna buy it to go with me tent, cos me matie said YOU AINT BUYING THAT when I spotted it lol... and funny thing is, like she said, 'you dont even do pink' gawds sake...... so I will go back in the week and buy it without her there lol....... xxx

MarmiteToasty said...

ps...... I also DONT use the phone during a storm........ and I can usually be found under me bed LOL..... and if there is a storm during the night then I drag me duvet out onto the landing where there are no windows, then the lightening cant get me through the windows :) I aint stupid ya know......xx

E. H. said...

i can see the pink tent and chair becoming the all the rage. very impressed. however, i am surprised that you even know what snowshoes are

E. H. said...

is that landing painted pink also, with soft padded walls and no door handle on the inside?

raymond pert said...

When you next sit back and relax with your cuppa, you can think about these lightning tidbits. Just thank your lucky stars you ain't a bloke!

* News 4 did a little digging and according to the National Weather Service, men are four-times more likely to get struck by lightning than women.

*The National Weather Service publication Storm Data recorded 3,239 deaths and 9,818 injuries from lightning strikes between 1959 and 1994. Only flash floods and river floods cause more weather-related deaths. But according to Dr. Elisabeth Gourbière of the Electricité de France, Service des Etudes Médicales, only 20 percent of lightning victims are immediately struck dead.

*It's a commonly help folklore belief, the idea that winning the lottery is so improbable that you are more likely to be struck by lightning and killed. Here are the odds:

Winning the Lottery: 14 million to one (approx)

Being killed by lightning: 10 million to one (very approx)

*Are you more likely to die by lightning or by wolf?

You have a greater chance of being killed or injured by the rarity of lightning strike than by wolf attack.

The largest number of wild wolves in conterminous USA live in Minnesota, around 2,500 (Mech 2001), and are among the most studied wolves in the world. The wolves have killed no one, but each year one or two people die in Minnesota by lightning strike (NOAA).

Lightning in Britain kills on average three people per year (Elsom 2001; Elsom 2002). So assuming a wolf recovery in Britain, you would more likely be toppled by a bolt of lightning than by a wolf.

Thinking about lightning helps keep potential adverse wolf encounters in perspective.

* "Nowadays most lightning injuries occur on the golf course. "

False. Indeed, a large number are work-related. These include injuries to postal and construction workers and persons using telephones that have not been properly grounded. (5) The numbers of farmers injured has decreased farmers to work larger fields in better-protected vehicles. Injuries during recreation have increased. They occur to joggers, hikers, and campers, as well as golfers. In addition, a significant number of people are injured while participating in team sports.

colleen said...

Ha! Thanks for the hit of Brit humor, love the dialouge and the bluebonnets (are they?) in bloom now.

One of the reasons I like Virgina is we get all the seasons without extremes. We get lovely winter breaks in the middle of winter. I once went out in deep snow in a bathing suit with boot on to snap a photo to show off to my Massachusetts family. (Your comment about making love on a blanket in the snow reminded me of this).

But I do miss my ocean!

PS My sons' father is English.

ciara said...

((((mel))))lmao at this one! and goodness sake woman, don't u know that it isn't smart to be nipping wires in the rain when there's possible lightening? electricity, lightening, and water DON'T mix lol all i can say is, 'and u call ME a bloody dinlo?' lmao and hey, a telephone is a 'telly' here, but then sometimes i call the tv 'telly', too lol if i knew when ya bday was, i'd send ya something...actually if i get a chance i've been holding onto something here that i wanted to send u, but i gotta get more stuff to send if i'm gonna pay the high postage! lol anyways, nuff jibber jabber for me...love ya matie xoxo

JBelle said...

hmmm.

Have I been unceremoniously duped about a certain birthday at Twaddle? Because I'd hate to think that. When people don't acknowledge their birthday, they get twice as many presents.


(off to the Spokane Valley; god, you've GOT to be able to buy a skull, there, can't you?)

ciara said...

p.s. u know that 'knocking someone up' means getting someone pregnant here in doodleland? lmao xoxo

green libertarian said...

Lightning?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJrcxfS1bt0

I LOVE that picture of Sprite, she is such a cutie.

fatty said...

who needs enemies when you have such good friends...
rofl

MarmiteToasty said...

Who left the bloody lights on all night.....geez..

~(((Starr)))~ :) NO me landing aint like a padded cell LOL...... and I hope no one else has a pink flowered tent and matching sleeping bag and soon to be camping chair lol...... :)

~(((MrP))~ Im honoured :) - ya know, my fear all stems from when we was in Grassmere in the Lake District when my Ben was a baby, we was in a old transit van towing a caravan in convoy with 3 others.... and we hit the worst storm in the lake districts history....... it was the most scariest thing ever, 2 people lost their lives that day, people that were running for shelter from the rain, and a thunderbolt hit the car in front and, my how X husband, teased me and took the piss out of me ever since and everytime there was a storm here, I should of know then what kinda nasty bloke he was just from that incident lol, he would be mean and nasty...and would tease me until I cried with fear and then he would laff at me..... instead of just holding me hand like I needed him to........ AND also me uncle Daves (RIP) friend who was sort of like our auntie as kids, well didnt we all have to call our parents friends auntie in those days?....... she was doing the washing up at the sink then she actually got struck by lightening...... it almost frazzled her, it was apparently only the fact that she was wearing a corset that saved her LMFAO..... she had terrible burns though and her hair never really did grow back proper lol.......ok I shouldnt laff, but she did for years after look like a mad scientist with her crazy hair LOL..... and this happened just a few years after the lake district incident........ I think if I was with someone that realised my fear in a storm and just held me hand and didnt take the piss and tease then I would probably see reason, but alas I aint, so I climb sometimes under me bed or drag me duvet onto the landing :)...... ok ok..... saddo loon right?...... xx

~(((Colleen)))~ welcome :) - I LOVE your blob so very much..... I read and read :) and Ive ordered ya book from *spit* amazon.... it just drew me to it, and it was a 'I have to get it' thing.....

So ya took one of our menfolk did ya LOL...... where abouts did he originally come from? and does he have brother LMFAO ;) x

~(((Ciara slag)))~ Gawds sake, it wasnt electrical..... just cos it was connected to me telly which was plugged in doesnt make it dangerous right? LOL..... and NO pressies..... gawds sake......... and me birthday was last year ya dinny cow........ x

~(((JBelle)))~ dont YOU start lol...... ya aint missed nuffin girl :) xxxxxx

~(((Ciara)))~ well maybe I could do with a bit of doodle 'doodle knocking up' lol :) x

~((((((((Green))))))))~ aint that picture cute....... god I love that child like me own.... well I do have her 10 1/2 hours a day :)......

I need to sort me camera out though cos apparently the calendar is set wrong cos the date of that photo on me computer says 3 May and I took it on fri 4 May lol.... but like everything electrical technical I have no clue as to how to set it right...... was it a leap year this year? lol.....

Just going to have a butchers at your clip now...... but ya will have to hold me hand..... :) xx

~(((fatty)))~ yeah bloody Jim the petfood bloke and the bloody postie..... but ya see...... I will get them back sometime over the next month lol....... :) x

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((Green)))~ that clip soooo aint real, is it?..... its bloody fake, ya dinlo lol....... :) I aint as stupid as I sound sometimes ya know....... its not real right? LOL xx

E. H. said...

i discovered that for that brief second when i click the cursor that the chicken stops dancing. now if i can just click and grab my new M60 in one quick movement, well...i'm off to the range to practice.

fatty said...

mel don't you know you are the first person i thought of when i saw that question!! i remember that post with the tails!! rofl
i wanted to tell you to do the meme just so you could share the frozen goodness with everyone!!
lolol

JBelle said...

Just would HATE to think that anybody over at Twaddle was a Birthday Ho'.

colleen said...

My first husband was born just outside London. I can never remember the name but when I hear it I know it... Dagenum...maybe...but spelled better.

I see you have some country going on too, what with roosters and all. Sons too. I know about those.

Mom not Mum said...

Hahaha - just brilliant. I am dying at you actually cutting the wire.

Catch said...

I think you are so refreshing and funny! Im going to link your blog so I dont miss any of your antics! The picture of the baby is sooo precious!

Akelamalu said...

I followed a link from my friend Queenie's place to get here. I love your humour. I'll be calling back if that's OK?

OrdinaryShark said...

Marmy!- I HAVE THAT SAME PILLOW! No, really. (cue the twilight zone music, and two, and one and...)
Well Jim and the Postie are correct that you're a bloody dinlo cause you're susposed to leave the wire uncut so when your tv explodes your homeowners insurance buys you a new one. That's how you upgrade your electronics, don't ya know.
I've having a blst over here on the left side of the staples but not that close to Jbelle and that lot, just a tad further left.
I'll be back to my blob next week.
Sorry about the lights, I'll try and do better...

Lynda said...

We have a friend who won't take a shower when there is an electrical storm overhead.

Next time, just unplug the telly (television or telephone) from the wall and you should be alright. I also have heard to unplug your computer.

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((Starr)))~ Ive told you before about touching me chicken, DONT LET ME HAVE TO WARN you again of the consequences LOL ... xx

~(((fatty)))~ wow you was on board right back at the dead mice in the freezer blob? :)..... I also put me old pikie neighbours severed fingers in me freezer once LMFAO..... honest truth, see, bloody mad house....... Im well enjoying ya blob... xx

~((JBelle))~ oh hush will ya..... I aint no birthday ho, Im just a regular $10 for 10 minutes HO lol......xx

~((colleen))~ welcome back :)..... oh first husbands dont count then LOL....... and your right Dagenam is in Essex, just outside London, so that makes him an Essex Boy (no touchie) dont you know nuffin lol....

And Janet aint NO ROOSTER.... she our one and only pet chicken :) - go read me post about her a few posts down :)..... sigh..... yes and 4 sons ... :) xx

~((momnotmum))~ welcome to the madhouse..... so your a doodle living over here? are you married to a doodle or have you also nicked one of our blokes lol - Im enjoying your blob to... xx

~((catch))~ it AINT suppose to be funny lol...... its well proper serious life stuff...... it just goes a tad wrong thats all :).... and I dont know about refreshing.... I stunk of BBQ earlier, that will learn me for standing in the smoke lol.... xx

~((Akelamalu))~ you to are most welcome to this crazy place filled with crazy commentators :) - only kidding maties.... *cough* and please come back and scroll back and read me other posts...... just bring a straight jacket ;) ... xx

~(((((((Sharkie)))))))~ DONT LIE, you so dont have the same cushion.... you bloody fibber you....

and sod that...... me telly is new anyways..... nope snipped the bugger off outside, there, done and dusted ;)..... and stop nicking me lines..... 'left of the staples' is my copyright, you've been hanging with them daft Brits way to long lol..... lucky you to be having a holiday.... ya jammy sod... dont worry about the lights, Ive sacked ya LOL... xx

~((lynda))~ there is no way I could take a shower during a storm cos Im usually stuck under the bed LOL and if I just unplugged the telly then the lightening would still of travelled down the wire, so best just to snip it half way :)..... xx

Anyways...... bank holiday monday is almost over, its just before 11pm.... and Im drained, only caught 3 hours sleep last night.... so promised meself Id snuggle under me duvet with me book early until I dozed off.....

Fanks for stopping by...... be safe, and sleep tight.....

nite xxx

Silver Valley Girl said...

You have been tagged to participate in a meme. See my blog for details. Thanks!

Ordinary Janet said...

I can only imagine what your TV reception is like now. Aren't you worried about the wire dangling so close to the window? I mean, what if it gets struck and the electricity travels down to the cut wire and it touched your window? You'll just have to go on the roof and take it all off now. Go on, get up there right now! ;-)

The Fool said...

I don't know, M-Toasty, I think you did well. You cured the telly, and baffled the passerbys in one snip. That's economical.

Putting the wire back together is easy, Marm...just a dab of white glue and some duct tape. You can always staple them too.

:)

ciara said...

just make sure ya ground ya self b4 stapling the wire back together...don't want some little electrical charge to get ya lol

Em said...

I got a pretty good laugh out of this one...but my mom does the same thing. Well, she doesn't lean out and clip things with garden shears. But she runs all over the house unplugging everything but the fridge.

cookieboy said...

what a story mel! Sprite and the pillow is a great picture. keeps you busy so you don't realize you have no television. lolol

susan said...

Marm,

Does it not thunder and lightening very often there? Lightening hit my mom's antenna in the middle of the night one time. I wasn't there, but my siblings say it sounded like a bomb went off, and my brother got his rifle and went around the house looking for someone with weapons, and my sister went into the living room, and it was filled with smoke. They called the fire department because they couldn't figure out where all this smoke was coming from and whether or not there might be a fire in the wall or something. The firemen told them what really happened. The antenna was fine. The t.v. was broken, and the wall outlet was ruined and blackened, so, no your friend was not just joking around with you, but isn't there another option? Can't you just unhook the antenna from the back of the t.v., silly goose? Once when I was at piano lessons as a child, lightening hit the house next door. It was the loudest sound I have heard in my life. For awhile after that I would hold my hands over my ears during thunder storms, afraid it was going to happen again. There is some other lightening safety that I could tell you, but I don't want to be responsible for what crazy thing you will do during the next coming storm. One thing I do that I will tell you, though, is unplug any expensive electrical equipment. I unhook everything expect my t.v. because I want to keep an eye on the news weather. OMGosh, how funny, my weather radar alarm just went off. It went off last night, but thunder had already awakened me.

Listen, it probably is ok to keep the antenna hooked up because I guarantee if lightening hits your house you are going to hear it, and any fire on the outside will get drenched with rain, and you will have plenty of time to put out a fire on the inside or get out of the house. Before I went around cutting cords, I would make sure I had a working fire extinguisher because just 'cause your t.v. antenna isn't hooked up doesn't mean that your house won't catch on fire if lightening strikes it. Well, I don't want to scare you. Lightening happens all the time here, and you only hear about someone's house catching on fire from it every once in awhile, and we have millions of people living in our area. My mom's house got hit twice, and it never caught on fire.

Queenie said...

Nothing wrong with that, better to be safe than sorry. MEN!!!!!

Queenie said...

Me again will be back to tell you how to get your clock, when i remember how I did it.

Ol' Lady said...

I finally finished makin cookies for the Baby, Ol Man and dogs so I thought I would pop in and see what's happenin in yer little world...I choked on me smoke then I took a drink of water to ease the choke all while still readin then I spit water out me nose and onto the keyboard...then I had visions of the keyboard goin 'zap'
I was tired when I sat down...now I'm not sure what I am...but I know that I certainly enjoyed the visit...

jolie-jordan said...

you are absolutely funny as hell.
I love the pillow. I am big into chickens and roosters. the baby is a doll and the guys are a hoot.
and you are a nut. even I know not to cut the aerial wire. No TV..omg...what will you do?
don't listen to any more scary stories from guys...they love to rattle women. too funny.
xxxJolie

MarmiteToasty said...

SORRY - BEEN HAVING POWER PROBLEMS.... They are fiddling around at our little substation and the electric has been going on and off more times then a hookers knickers.......

~((Silver Valley))~ blimey, I aint done one of them before, I'll go over and have a butchers lol Ive still gotta do CIS's Thinking thingie yet..... :) x

~(((Ord Janet)))~ you know by saying things like that, that I will end up climbing out the roof window onto the roof LMFAO...... x

~((((Foolie))))~ ok, listen, I might be a daft cow sometimes BUT I aint stupid LOL..... staples ya say ;) xxxxx

~((Ciara slag))~ smacking ya for siding with Foolie LOL anyways I would wear me rubber wellies and then I would be earthed or whatever that means lol xxx

~(((em)))~ first of all sonny :) - I AINT as old as ya mother, just needed to clear that up lol.... I to unplug stuff..... and pull curtains shut, and and and lol :) xx

~(((((Cookie)))))~ Welcome matie :) mega chufted you found me place....... oh and Sprite aint mine, well not technically.... she is one of the 15 nippers that I have over the course of one week :)..... xxxxx

~((((((Susan)))))~ see, see, Susan knows I aint stupid :)...... Susan, we dont have that many storms but when we do they aint nice, well to me they aint.......obviously nowt like what you doodles have.... ok OK Im just a sissy, there Ive said it lol xxxxxx

~((((Queenie)))~ yeah, bloody men, they would be even more bloody with an exe stuck in their skulls lol..... yeah CIS tried to help me with the clock but I still couldnt fathom it out..... dinlo or what, thats me NOT cis :) she is a sweetie as you doodles would say.... xx

~((ol' lady))' heheheh stop laffing, it aint suppose to be funny...... xxx

~((jolie))~ well, like I said before, me X got custody of me chickens and I got the mortgage and the kids :)..... I had a look around, and I have a few bits and bobs with chickens on though :)..... one day I will have more then just Janet.... well oneday if I ever marry and we have a bit of land or a bigger garden.... ;) xxx

Fanks for popping in........... hey Foolie..... here, hold this wire, quick now, theres a storm a brewing ;) thats right, stand in that puddle barefoot, hold that wire up high ;) - hugs xx

The Fool said...

Sure...but if you hand me the stapler I won't have to stand outside getting wet.

;)