The Dandelion v The Hollyhock - Just Who Does He Fink He Is......

Ok............ most people know that me and me twat neighbour dont really like each other, its common knowledge around here.... Im never actually rude as such to him cos I floor him with my calm nature whilst he often walks away with steam coming out of his ears........

Well, this past week, there has been occasion to have 3 seperate 'quiet words' with the bloke LOL I so LOVE to wind him up at ever given opportunity..... I think it is becoming like a sport with me and he takes the bait EVERYTIME.....

I will tell you about the first 'incident' this past week....

Each year our village enters this county competition called 'Village In Bloom' and its to see who has the prettiest summer village, and then a by product of that is 'Street In Bloom' which is within this village and to see which street is the prettiest or makes the most effort over the summer months with their front gardens....

Well, me twat neighbour has only lived here for about 3 years and he is a right proper tosser.... no one can stand the bloke, he is right up his own arse sorta bloke and she aint much better, always looking down their noses at everyone else.....

Anyways, I usually just plant up me poo buckets out the front of me house and 2 years in a row I won the individual container part of the competition..... I knew this year that there was no chance that I would cos I just quickly planted them with not much thought this year cos all thats happened with me knee and stuff I aint had much time to think about me garden........



I know, I know, they are wellabit rubbish, but I have had other things going on ya know..



I let meself down with these lol

Anyways....... I was getting out of me car last Wednesday, after just having a horrendous 2 hour session with me physios, so I was drained and in much pain and gagging for a cuppa tea..... and HE was faffing around his tiny front garden, our houses dont really have front gardens, but just a 3 or 4 foot front yard, our little cottages almost step onto the pavement.... HE has this daft iron railing at the front of his house like some bloody mansion lol where as I have a wall....

Anyways..... as I got out me car I saw the tosser watering the plants in his front garden.... my brain said ignore the tosser, but I thought I would be neighbourly and so I said..... your hollyhocks are beautiful they make quite a picture.... I cant seem to grow them, no matter how many times Ive tried....... to which he replied, well ya have to be clever to grow them...... BIG BIG MISTAKE....... this is the conversation that followed.....

Me - You saying I aint clever?

Him - No, that is not what I said..

Me - Anyways, you didnt grow those hollyhocks they were there when you moved in, so ya aint that clever ya self.... where is it you work? Tescos? sweeping up?

Him - Its a part time job cos Im retired..

Me - Ok thats right, sweeping up keeps ones elderly mind working lol..

Him - Im sorting out the fronts cos the 'Street in Bloom' lady might be around today to judge..

Me - Well my poo pots aint up to much this year, never mind, its not the be all and end all of life..

Last year this bloke went along all the fronts of everyones houses in this road and swept up the dead leaves and pulled up weeds..... so this year I thought I would cultivate some dandelions out the front cos I KNEW it would drive him mad.....

As he was talking my eyes scanned my front wall to see if me cultivated dandelions needed watering......



This is a photo I took last week, do you know how hard it is to grow a dandelion on a pavement lol I squashed a bit of soil between a tiny gap where my front wall meets the pavement and I dug up a tiny baby dandelion up from the back of me garden and squashed the roots into the tiny gap LMFAO....... I was on a mission.... this was a few weeks ago and I myself was very surprised that it actually grew to this fine specimen LMFAO.....

But to my horror the dandelion was not there, my pride and joy, my bait for me twat neighbour WAS GONE....



This is what I saw, WHERE WAS ME DANDELION.......

I turned to face me neighbour.....

Me - Did you touch my dandelion?..

Him - Yep *smug grin* I pulled it out, it made the front look untidy......

Me - But it was MY front and MY dandelion..... just who do you think you are?

Him - It was just a dandelion..

Me - No no no, it was MY dandelion (really laffing inside, cos he was now beginning to look uncomfortable..

Him - It was a weed, just a weed.. and it was not really IN your garden but along the front wall..

Me - NO no no, it was MY weed, and all weeds are gods flowers (I had read that somewhere and thought I would throw it into the conversation)..

Him - You dont do god.. which bit of 'it was a weed do you know understand'..

Me - Which bit of IT WAS MY WEED dont you get?..

Him - At least it looks tidier..

Me - Who are you to say what looks tidier....... I might have to report you..

Him - Who to?..

Me - The NSPDAW..(ranking me brain working out the letters lol)..

Him - Who?

Me - National Society Protection of Dandelions And Weeds..

Him - Thats no such society..

Me - How would you like it if I dug up your hollyhocks?

Him - Well that would just be ridiculas, it was just a dandelion, a weed..

Me - But it was my weed you had no right to touch my private property..

Him - You have really lost it... IT WAS A DANDELION..... a WEED.. there's not really a society of protection is there?

Me - Dont be surprised if the hollyhock pixies dig up their hollyhocks during the week and plant dandelions in their places...... you touch me dandelions again and you will be hearing from my solicitor, I have 'friends' in high places you know....

Him - It was a WEED.....

Me - But I loved that dandelion.... I dug it up from my grandmas garden just before she died....it was to remind me of nanna.. and now you have taken that away from me..

Him - (Not knowing if I was serious or not lol) oh, sorry to hear about your grandma, when did she die?

Me - On Monday...

Him - Oh Im so very sorry.. (looking a little concerned cos me eyes had glazed over lmfao due to the fact that me knee was throbbing from standing to long)..

Me - Yes on Monday in 1967....

Him - YOU AINT RIGHT IN THE HEAD.........

With that he went in and slammed his front door lmfao....... what a tosser....... you wait until next spring, Im gonna get all the dandelions I can find and get all me maties to help me plant his entire front garden and tubs with dandelions...... he has messed with me just that once to often....... this is war, Im on a mission, he is my reason for living lmfao........



These are HIS hollyhocks....... I was so tempted to cut them down during the night, but they are so pretty I just couldnt do it.....

I love winding me twat neighbour up.... it should be a sport in the olympics...... I think I would have a great chance of winning lol......

He didnt speak to me when I saw him on Friday...... but he had no choice but to speak to me on Saturday LMFAO but then that story is for another day lol....

What a tosser....

Enuff boring neighbourly twaddle for a Monday morning... off to me physio :(....

x

3 Daves....... And A Load Of Twaddling Bollocks...

Ok......... so last week I spent yet another 5 days in hospital..... I had to be at the Naval Hospital for 7.00am..... which in fact I didnt get there until 7.20.... I signed in at the gate and got me car pass into the place and found a parking space almost next to the sign where I needed to be.....

I had me stubborn head on, hence I drove meself.... Ive never left me car overnight there before and I know the pass I had was just a day pass, but what the heck lol.... Im sure they dont tow ya car away and blow it up without at least checking who has signed it in and having a quiet word LOL....... As I locked me car up, I did have funny visions of me car being surrounded by the naval guards and being blown to kingdom come LOL....

Cos I was a tad late, it was a bit manic.... I was quickly shown to me bed, making sure I kept me eyes focused forwards so I didnt have to see all the morning toothless dribbles from the elderly as they awoke.... believe me, it is NOT a pretty sight..... then pangs of guilt, cos I know Im probably not to far off of this state of old age......



This is what I could see out of the window behind me bed...

Within 10 minutes of me getting there I was shoved a gown and told to quickly change cos I would be first on the operating list cos me consultant wanted to make sure I got that extra time to get more benefit from everything that would be happening..... so me consultant rushed in... and had a quick word with me and so did me anestatist and I hurriedly signed all consent forms.... everything was such a rush and a blur that I could of been signing me kidneys away to the kitchens for making Steak and Kidney Puddings for dinner.....

IVs were dug in me hand once again and my bed prepared for the wheeling down to theatre....rush rush rush..... which was good cos I had no time to think about what was going to happen..... no time to gaze around and give encouraging smiles to the little ladies that had just had a knee op the days previous (If only they knew what could happen when things go tits up)....

Much military staff around this week....... MMMmmmmmm mmmmmmm lol looks like the ward was staffed equally by the army and the navy this time.... not one civilian nurse or doctor in sight....much wearing of cammos and army boots LOL...... suits me Sir lmfao....



Ya just gotta love blokes in uniforms lol.....thats Army on the left and Navy on the right lol...... see the chap on the right, he was naval and was on me Ward when I was in 11 weeks ago....... he smiled the biggest smile when he saw me walk in the Ward that morning..... and he just said..... oh my, now we are in for a laff..... little did he know I had my quiet head on lol.....



This is the first Dave...actually his name was not really Dave but that is what he got everyone to call him cos his real name was unprouncable lol..... this little naval nurse was the most sweetest, funny, caring, softly spoken, beautiful soul, I have yet to meet in a hospital.....he had the most amazing 'come to bed' voice lmfao...... he was originally from Mauritius... and he was my saviour in the coming week.... we laffed and giggled late into the nights, when I couldnt sleep cos of the machines I was on, he would come and disentangle me so that I could hobble to the telly room at the end of the ward late into the night and he would sit and talk to me....and he would make me cups of tea and find biscuits and even a blanket LMFAO..... he was just so funny.... and just LOVED being in the medical services of the navy..... he had been at the Naval hospital for only 9 months and was loving everything about it....... ya know when you come across someone in a job that you KNOW is there true vocation.... then little Dave had found his...... even the little old lady that had soiled her bed one night, I listened to how he handled it all...... and I just knew he had a heart and soul of an angel....

I was sat in me bed all ready to be wheeled down into theatre when Mr Action Man the Army bloke in charge came to me and said...... MAM WE DO NOT SEEM TO HAVE YOUR PAPERWORK... when did you come for your pre-op....... to which I replied.... well, I actually didnt, cos I only heard Friday that I was coming in today....... oh, he says...... so no MRSA squab up to date cos it only lasts 6 weeks and it was 11 weeks since you had ya knee replacement......... OK OK all STOP....... me consultant came back and said that I WAS UNCLEAN lmfao.... meaning that I couldnt be first on the operating list JUST INCASE I had MRSA...... and they cant take no risks with everyone else, so instead of cancelling the op.... he said he would put me LAST on the operating list so that there was no risk of me infecting everyone else that had ops that day in Theatre 3..... cos obviously then everything is sterilized after that....

Oh lordy...... how come NUFFIN EVER does just straight with me lol...... there is always a hiccup.... so that meant I had all day to fester and worry and sit with the old and infirm and dribblers of E6.... Luckily I was tucked down the end of the ward, this time I just wanted to keep meself to meself and not have to really chit chat with anyone....and there was no one either side of me and I was sort of opposite the little office and not really opposite anyone....... so I got me book out and just read the hours ways....

At just gone 4 I got the nod that I would be next down..... so after taping all me bangles up and me ring and me top earring that dont come off.... off I went.... I TOOK ME CAMERA just incase lmfao......



This is the clock on the side room to Theatre 3 :).... this is when I got busted for having me camera with me lol



This is the threatre nurse that obviously didnt mind me camera lol

I was suppose to be being knocked OUT for this op, cos for certain reasons it was NOT to pleasent to be awake for lol........ but the anethestis.... was not to kean on that and wanted me to have a spinal block, cos he was reading through me notes and realised that I dont do to well under full knock out.... its on me notes from all the other knee ops Ive had over the years.... so him and me consultant was sort of having almost a domestic arguement in theatre about it lol....... I had to say..... oye you two DONT worry about me being here will ya lol...... now smile for the camera will ya lol....



This is Dave number 2, this is me consultant...... he said....... oh no, not the camera again LOL...... but he posed and smiled anyways lmfao.....

It was decided that I was to have the spinal block and not be put fully out..... to which I said, then you better be playing some LOUD music so I dont hear nuffin.... so with bent back I was cold sprayed and the spinal was threaded into my spinal cavity..... and we waited.... for the numbing sensation to kick in....... and we waited...... and waited.... and Dave Number 3, yes the anethetist was also called DAVE lol.... well Dave number 3 pinched me and looked at me and asked if I felt that...... to which I said, if you pinch me once again I will get up and bitch slap you..... so he laffed and said I take that as a yes.... so we waited and waited, and me toes went tingly but I could feel them and me bum went tingly but still I could fell the pinches and pokes...... he said..... ok.... well, that aint working, I said DONT you dare do anything if I can feel it...... so he said, I will have to put you right out after all....... Dam...... so thats what happened..... I had the spinal AND was knocked out by the gas mask..... I dont do the gas mask to well and so he held me hand LOL.... see EVERYTHING ALWAYS GOES TITS UP WITH ME....



Dave number 3 LOL....... whats with so many Daves....

Before I went out I talked with me consultant and I made him PROMISE that he would not take me leg off if he found things in there that he couldnt deal with.... I made him PROMISE that he would not make that decision....... he promised me.... so I put my trust in him......

When I woke up in the recovery room..... sick as a parrot LOL....... also numb from me bum down cos the spinal had kicked in during the op LMFAO.... I looked and saw this huge pile of blankets...... I thought it was a cage thing over me leg I THOUGHT they had cut it off cos I couldnt feel anything lol due to the spinal tap working... the huge pile was where as soon as the op was done they had put me leg on a PMM - Passive Movement Machine, where it would spend the next 24 hours for the next 5 days, keeping the bend moving and free from everything.....



This was the machine of torture lol...... it was important to keep the bend open so that all shit inside has no chance to adhere again and obstruct the joint..... keep the joint moving also means less chance of infection......

He had bend me leg whilst I was under and had ripped and tore all the built up scar tissue and muscles which had adhered to the bionic joint making it unmoveable.... he had then scrapped all pus about that he could find and cut out all infectioned flesh around the bionic knee and bone graft..... he said I would be in a lot of pain over the coming days and they would do their best to drug me up, but it would not completely take it all way........... and Jebus was they right or what lol.....

The machine automatically moves and bends ones knee to 110 degrees 24 hours a day, I only came off this machine for to go to the loo and for me dinner and a few hours in the late evening when I couldnt sleep and little Dave would untangle me and disconnect me and let me wheel me IV stand to the telly room where he would bring me tea and biscuits lol.... its hard to sleep with the continous movement and noise from the machines........

ALSO........ when I was in theatre a little old lady was admited to the bed next to me..... and SHE COULD SNORE FOR ENGLAND.... holy cow....... if I ever snore like that when Im old, please if Im married, I hope whoever is sleeping next to me would shoot me....... I DIDNT KNOW WOMAN could snore like that...... Jebus, lordy......

On the Wedsnesday night it was so bad and me and little Dave was laffing and he told me to go in and poke her LOL...... oh my we laffed so much....... so I tiptoed in and gently touched the old ladies shoulder and whispered..... hey, hey sweetie, you need to sleep on your side, your snoring and everything is rattling..... Dave was giggling..... cos with that, it must of startled her and she sat bolt up right and flung her arms around catching me on the side of the jaw with such a force it knocked me backwards LOL....... moral of this story..... DO NOT try and wake a snoring old lady cos its like going 2 rounds with Mike Tyson LOL...... she didnt remember in the morning, but little Dave told everyone and they kept giggling at me...... the following night I told him that I was going to stuff a sock into her mouth cos that would stop the snoring...... and just for that tiny second, he looked at me as if I was serious lol

Adding NON SNORER to me list of potential husbands in the future LOL

Everytime I went to the loo COS I DONT DO BEDPANS.... I had to walk past little ladies in beds with Auntie Nora hanging on the ends of their beds and I got fed up with the constant.... oh my how come you out of bed and walking if you only had your knee done yesterday..... I didnt like to upset them and explain that it had all gone wrong and they should be prepared to possibily be back in a few weeks lol.... I so didnt wanna keep explaining or scaring anyone....... so I just told anyone that asked that I was just in with an 'ingrown toenail extraction' LOL.... I did get some funny looks and smiles from the staff, but how could I explain all thats gone on to these frail scared looking gumless elderly ladies.....

So for the most of the week I just kept meself to meself and did all that I was suppose to do...... I did have many staff come sit on me bed and chat with me, the ones that had reckonised me from weeks ago.... they was all smiles and one little chap said that was so far the BEST 8 days of his services at the hospital...... he said those 8 days he will remember with smiles and laughter forever...... WTF..... whats that suppose to mean lol

I did have ONE disagreement with the old posh lady that was in the bed next to me...... I had the window open, they only open about 8 inches at the bottom, but I NEED fresh air and this hospital is so hot and stuffy....... and the window had been open for 3 days when this woman arrived, and without asking she just shut the window.... SHE SHUT THE BLOODY WINDOW and didnt ask anyone if that was ok...... well actually IT WAS NOT OK lol....... so I disentangle meself from me machine and hobble round and open it again....... its COLD she says....... put on a cardigan I says....... its breezy, she says......... aint it lovely, I says......... I will get a chill, she says....... does that mean you will be making those involentary shaking movements with a chill, I says.......... what? she says........ well, lets put it this way....... people have run around for 2 days for you, at your beck and call and you aint even had surgery yet, you are one of the walking all singing and dancing patients.... yet you expect everyone to run around for you and fetch and carry for you.....next you will be asking me to blow ya dinner cos its hot....... WELL........ the only enjoyment I have is the slight breeze and fresh air coming from the slightly open window..... SO...... Im sorry if it upsets you.... BUT open it stays...... and with that she pulls the curtain across between us and that was the last I saw or heard of her LOL I so WISH I had stuffed that bloody sock in her mouth when she snored...... I had all evil thoughts rushing through me head LOL



I didnt have much chance to write to me 'cor blimey doddle' penpals cos the machine I was on didnt allow me to sit up straight to write and cos me leg was up and down up and down on the machine there was no way I could do anything but balance a book or magazine on me leg....... you can just see me foot sticking out the end of me book LOL.....

Anyways, I came home on Friday about teatime..... drove meself home, me car was not blown up, how I drove home I do not even remember...... thinking I shouldnt of been so drugged up for the journey home lol

The weekend was a painful struggle, so it was lovely to talk to the Toadies on the phone and to JBelle and France me blob matie in frogland...... so fanks you lot for helping to keep me chins up......

The bend had declined a lot over the weekend without the machines to keep the movement..... no matter how hard Ive been doing all the physio exercises, I know things are already stiffening up.......

But I had physio down at the hospital yesterday......they put me on this 'torture chair' as they call it...... it has weights on it and it pushes back against ya shins so bending ya leg backwards whether ya want it to or not lol....... the pain was excrutiating... and the tears flowed freely.....but it has to be done...... when the physio put on another weigh he stepped back cos he knew there was a chance that he would be getting a punch where the pain was so intense LOL...... the thing about this 'torture chair' is that your actually strapped in LOL...... I dont know ifs so ya cant leap out and thump someone or if its to keep ya legs still...... so I had a very intensive session with me physios...... very very painful..... and many tears cos the bend is NOT as much as I left hospital with last Friday....... anyways..... Im doing the very best I can...... I can do no more then what I physically can....

I guess what, I get to do it all again on Wednesday and again on Friday and again 3 times next week and for forthcoming weeks.......tomorrow I will take tissues....

But through the tears and the pain Im still smiling and still trying to be me...... Im okay........ really I am...... I think LOL....... I have to beat this...... I do not want to think of the consequences if I dont... I refuse to think about that step....

This time in hospital I asked that me maties didnt come visit me....... I didnt wanna see no one..... and I didnt want no one to ring me....... I needed time to think about so much that has happened of late.....my body, heart and soul have been dragged to such depths of late and its all been very overwhelming..... so I didnt want any one to come........ which was a little hard in the evenings when every other bed had visitors lol...... but it was my choice..... Ive had decisions to make, serious decisions that will affect my future.......

The first thing Im going to do IF/WHEN I get well, is to get me house up to scratch and move away from everything I have known......... to start again somewhere else....... to finish me life in a new place, a new challenge..... uproot and begin the last part of that life somewhere else........ be it in England or in some foreign land, of yet I do not know.... but I know its now or never..... cos I know if I dont carefully dig out me roots, something will come along and pour weed killer over me and I will shrivel up and die a lonely old lady.....

Anyways....... enough of all this bollocks...... its gonna be a hot sunny day here today.... could this really be the start of our summer.......

The Schools break up on Wednesday for our 5-6 weeks summer break.... and I have to try and think what to do about a holiday for me and my Jacob and possibly my Sam.... do we stay here or do we fly somewhere where I could get a real proper break, a chance to recharge..... use me emergency dosh thats hidden in me hiking boots..... the worlds out limit, we could go anywhere..... anyone got any suggestions...... I KNOW where I so really want to be..... Paradise is in my soul...... but alas....... alas......

If you have read this rubbish down this far, then you need to seek medical advise for your insanity LOL

X

Aint Gonna Be Around For A Bit...

Ok............Had me main consultant on Thursday(2 days ago)....... news not good........ he put me on the emergency operating list........he says he aint given up on me yet......he also called me stubborn and brave and strong, which he said in this instance was a compliment...I do not want to be any of these things anymore, I want someone to be brave for me and strong for me, I just want to sleep...... Friday (yesterday) I got a phone call from the hospital at Haslar to say I need to be at the Naval hospital for 7.00am Monday morning and expect to be in for between 3-10 days.... I told them 3 days... she to called me stubborn.....

He told me he had a few tricks up his sleeve before the BIG DECISION was taken.... he told me he would knock me out completely this time and no camera in theatre... he said the pain will be horrific so I will be drugged out of it for a couple of days... he told he HE HAD to try this to see if it works..... he said he is on my side.... he said he will also have to make decisions as he goes along.... and I HAVE to trust him.....

Im finding it very difficult of late to trust anyone..

It has not given me much time to organise things home here once again......... I just want it to end..... Im had enough now....... Im tired and exhausted by it all...... Im worn out....... Im scared......I feel alone more then ever......

Sorry to those I have not emailed of late.... Ive been trying to keep meself to meself and deal with this the best I can under extreme circumstances...... I know I owe so many maties emails.... please forgive me..... also please forgive me for not getting to everyones blobs......

I need my knight in shining armour to come and hold my hand this time more then ever....but I cant even hear the horse galloping my way......

So, back I go into Hospital with the old and infirm, the toothless, the dribbles and moans....... I really dont know if I can do this again.... not again.... I need a light to look towards.... a focus...... a future...... and Im finding it very difficult to see anything...... everything Ive ever loved in life has always been taken from me, anyone I ever loved disappeared from my life..... and Im finding that no matter how good a person I am, and I KNOW I am.... pure and honest happieness is not in my future.... when there is not much in tomorrow to keep me going, its hard.....

The very foundations on which I have built my life have been shaken and the edges have started to crumble....

A book arrived in the post for me yesterday, its a signed copy by me most favourite author and the book is titled 'Hold On' I take this as a sign..... except my signs have failed me this past year....but at least I will have a book to read whilst in hospital.... so fank you friend for the book, you will never realise the joy in my heart and the tears in my eyes when it arrived from you....I will treasure it always... always....

Im going to keep me head down and keep meself to meself this time.... I will take in me writing papers and write to me 'cor blimey doodle penpals'..... I NEED to be out by the weekend, no matter what.... no matter what.....

Jebus how much do I need a break, a holiday... time out.... time to recover, to grow to heal my body heart and soul.... how much do I need to take flight.....how much do I need to be in Paradise....

So I aint gonna be around for a bit........ be safe.......



And hey, even though this post might sound dismal and sad and depressing...... its not, Im not, the other side of me is still the same, Im still the same, I still laff everyday.... I still find humour in most things....... Im just tired so very tired thats all.... SO DONT WORRY Im gonna be fine.....I truely am.... :)

ps.....HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUSAN... hope this your special day is filled with love and laughter and you are surrounded by those that love you.... know that I do, even from all these miles away.... x

X

I Laffed So Hard A Bit Of Wee Came Out.......

Ok..... A bit of a follow on as such from me precious post...... not about me lad Tom, but about how I said that me lads tend to tell me everything lol...... well, my Ben told me something that really should of maybe kept to himself lol that will learn me for offering to help him find what he was looking for... fank goodness we was all able to laff about it, humour is good.... its a must living in this house .....

Let me explain..... last Thursday evening about 11.30ish I was faffing around in the kitchen..... there was only me and Jacob in and he was just getting a drink before going to bed (yes I KNOW thats late but we was watching a film)....

Anyways, my Ben comes bursting in the back door at speed.... he had been up our local pub with his mates, it being Thursday and payday... so he was a little tipsy.... no drunk by any stretch of the imagination but he had had a tipple or two.....

He begain frantically looking for something, he was looking in his pockets of his coat that was hung in the front porch and I heard him say.... shit.. then he looked for whatever it was in the cupboard where he keeps his bits and bobs.... again I heard him say shit..... then he rushed up stairs and I heard him hunting around in Toms bedroom........ so I could contain meself no longer......

Me - Ben what ya looking for..

Ben - Nuffin mum..

Me - Well it must be sumfin cos ya hunting and rushing around like a lunatic..

Ben - Mum, its ok, you wouldnt wanna know..

Me - Well if ya told me what ya was looking for I might know where it is..

Ben - You really dont wanna know..

Me - Well I might of put whatever your looking for in a different place and that means I would know where it is..

Ben - Ya really wanna know..

Me - If it will stop ya charging around the house hunting then yes, I really wanna know...

Ben - *cough* have you seen me condoms.. (just like that.... just so matter of fact) lol

Me - Oh, well, there were two in your shorts pocket a few days ago which I took out ya pocket before I shoved them in the wash.....but I gave them to you whilst ya was on the computer the other night....

Ben - Yeah well I cant remember where I put them..

Me - (Now for the most stupid question I have ever asked) What ya want them for..

Ben - HaHaHa mum what do ya think, there is this bird up the pub and I NEED ME CONDOMS....

Me - Whats this then a new girlfriend (Ben has recently broken up with his slutty girlfriend, which I was estactic about :))..

Ben - Nope not a new girl friend just a friend..

Me - Oh like a one night stand, Ben, she must be real classy LOL....

Ben - Mum, sometimes a bloke just has to do what a bloke has to do, BUT I NEED me condoms cos there is no way Im donna do the business without one..

Me - I wish I hadnt of asked now..... anyways if you cant find them, then you will have to use one of the rubber latex gloves from the box on the stairs... (have to have them and use them when changing babies nappies - not that I do - hence a full box lol)..

Ben - WHAT? What? are you mad?

Me - Well they are latex as are condoms and they are stretchy as are condons and the fingers are all different lengths so just cut one off and use that..LMAO

Jacob - yeah, ya probably only need the little finger one LOL..

Ben - Laffing now...... the whole bloody glove wouldnt be big enough let alone just the fingers LMFAO..

Me - Of course it would be big enough, Ive seen someone put one over their head on the telly..

Ben - What? a condom or a rubber glove?

Me - A latex glove..

So with that we get the box of latex gloves off the bottom of the stairs and this is how we spent the next hour.... all thoughts of the trampie little trollope that needed seeing to went out of the window lol.... I wonder how long she waited for me lad to get back to her LMFAO..



This is Ben, I told him he was a pussy if thats as far as he could get it over his head lol



So he tried a bit harder LOL



We think Ben must have a big head cos this is the best he could do.....

Now, Jacob put his bigheaded brother to shame..... Jacobs attempt was amazing..... lmfao



This was his first attempt lol...this we called the cockeral look lmfao..



He realised if you put it all the way over ya head and held the bottom and just had ya mouth out the bottom to fill up ya lungs ya could blow it up whilst it was on ya head LMFAO



He blow it up so high that it burst on his head .... his head is inside the glove..



Jacobs french mime look :)



The famous Punch and Judy look - dont know if doodles have punch and judys..



Last but not least... the wonderful Chinky Take-away look......its so tight, its stretched his eyes upwards lmfao

Oh Jebus, I laffed so hard a bit of wee came out.......

Through all our struggles of late in this house, through all the pain and uncertainty... this house can still ring with the sound of laughter.....

Maybe ya just had to be here LOL

Enough Twaddling rubbish for a dark, wet, late Monday evening....

**********

Knee Update - Got me consultant tomorrow (the main man) then me phyio Wednesday and then Thursday I have a meeting with me consultant(me surgeon) and me physio, to see whats what and whats the best way to proceed with what findings we find this week..... my bag is already packed..

X

Bad Muvver - Piles Everywhere......

Ok..........Back in March my Tom came to me asking if I would do him a favour...... My Tom is 6'4" drop dead gorgeous and is a gentle soul...... not gentle in the sense that he lets anyone walk all over him..... I mean he is gentle around the nippers I childmind and around my maties, he is very well spoken and can be just the funniest of people.....he works hard long 10 hour days and 6 hours on a Saturday.....he loves life with a passion..... but when out apparently he can hold his own in any given situation, he reasons with words but if push comes to crunch then he can be a bit of a scrapper if all else fails...... and as legion has it...... he is a force to be reckoned with and Jebus help those that mess with him wrongly or his brothers or his maties......

This is the son that a few weeks before crimbo, I awoke in the middle of the night to the sound of someone crying... not that uncontrolable crying but more a distraught deep painful crying..... I tiptoed out onto the landing to find my Tom sat halfway down the stairs with his head in his hands........ hey you, I say, whats up son...... ya see his girlfriend of 2 years had just rung him and dumped on him the phone...... this is a girl that I had let into me home for over 2 years and treated her as one of me own, even though she was the most boring brain deadhead young girl I have ever had here....... she could not hold a conversation, she hated going out, and month by month I could see her turning my fun loving chatty son into this boring moron...... but it was non of my business so I kept me council....



Tom and 'you know who' last year on this birthday..

Apparently she had been seeing someone else on the quiet, but word had got out and she KNEW that she had better finish with my Tom before he found out that she had been messing around, she apparently rang him whilst with this other bloke.... yet she was suppose to be 'out with the girls'...... and this bloke KNEW she was my Toms girl and he got frightened cos he knew that ya dont take someone elses bird especially NOT my Toms lol and he was scared of the consequences ....

Anyways I tiptoed down the stairs and sat behind my Tom and wrapped my arms around him like I use to do when he was a child...... and he sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and then we talked and talked until morning came....we sat there for hours... he just couldnt get his head around that only hours before SHE had told him she loved him with all her heart and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, yet she went out knowing she was meeting this other bloke..... I tried to explain that people like that dont care about the pain and the hurt or the lies...... and he kept saying.... but how can I ever trust what another bird ever says to me....its not that she is finished with me, he says, thats not the problem, its that SHE LIED, she lied to me about loving me and needing me and how she ached when she was not with me...... oh my.... I so knew where he was coming from....

Anyways, what Im trying to say is that, my sons can and do tell me everything...... they would even tell me if they mugged some old lady up the road.....they can discuss anything with me and know that it wont be embarrassing and I mean anything... we openly talk about anything in this house nuffin is taboo and its always been that way, and then if something important or scary comes along, they are not afraid to ask me about whatever it is thats troubling them..... cos we made this pact years ago...... when their father left....... that no matter WHAT.... they would always have to tell me the truth about things, it dont matter what they had done or hadnt done, but the truth was what must always be told, because without the truth there was nothing I could do or we as a family could do to suss and sort out any problems......... and that is why the break up with his girl was hard, cos there were so many lies and he actually said to me....... mum, the truth is all that matters... why are most people not truthful.... why do they lie to hurt others.......... so I had to tell him that usually they lie for their OWN gain.... their own ego...... to get what THEY want in life and sod those they leave in their wake.....

So....... my sons tell me everything, good and bad.... and they know no matter what I will never leave them or abandon them, I will love them unconditionally, even though at times over the past 7 years raising them alone has not been easy.....

I have also always told them that if anything medically was a worry or if they didnt understand something about their bodies then they need to ask, or if they have a wart on their stirrup pump LOL I mean ANYTHING then it needs to be asked about.... and, touch wood me lads do openly ask about different things lol........ like the time when...... OH, YOU SO DONT NEED TO KNOW THAT lol

But most of all I LOVE winding me lads up...

So, back to March lol....... see how I just go off on a different track....... just wanted to say how close we are.... Im sure there must be some little things that I dont know about, but mark my words, they also know that cos Ive lived in this village for so very long and I know hundreds of people, that eventually stuff will get back to me LOL

So just before my Tom walked out to work back in March this is the conversation we had and what happened......

Tom - Mum, could you do me a favour if your going down the shops later today..

Me - Sure, whatga want Tom...

Tom - I think Ive got a pile...

Me - A pile of what?.. clothes? well just put them in the washing basket..



Tom - Mum, Im serious..

Me - Ok, dont tell me let me guess.. a pile of dirty plates in your room, I wondered where all the bowls were... go get them and put them in the dishwasher...

Tom - MUM... rolling his eyes..

Me - No, no tom dont tell me let me try and guess...



Tom - Have you quite finished?..

Me - Nope, hang on, Im sure I'll guess it...books?..



Tom - (now standing in front of me with his arms folded across his chest, looking at me like Im some escaped lunatic...

Me - ok Tom, one more...money... you have a pile of money that your want me to change at the bank for you?...



Tom - Mum, this is real serious, I think I have a pile... ya know, a pile on me bum...

Me - (Stifling a laff) what just one pile? dont they usually come in a bunch? and what makes you think its a pile, they dont usually venture out on their own.. actually laffing at this point..

Tom - Oh its a pile alright, I looked it up on the internet LMFAO.... so when ya down the shop can you go in the chemist and get me something for it - HUGE GRIN on his face..

Me - Tom, you know what a pile is dont ya, its a giant worm that couldnt find its way home in the dark and is just hanging around until its mates come out to play... and I AINT asking for cream in the chemist, they might think its for me LOL

Tom - Please mum, its not really a worm right? LOL and I have to get to work, mum 'if you love me' you'll help me......laffing, cos it was actually a really funny conversation..

Me - Dam Tom, thats so not fair......

Off he goes to work and off I go down our village shops plucking up the courage to stop in at the chemist whilst down there... knowing that I know all the staff in there and how was I to explain that this cream was NOT for me...

When I gets in the chemist shop there is a queue of about 4-5 people in front of me, they was just standing there, elderly and infirm, probably queueing for denture cream or such like...

So I just stand there, when over the heads of the queue, Suzanne the woman that is behind the counter says, Mel, what can I do for you....... oh, these people are first I say (hoping that no one else comes in so that I can ask for Toms cream when there is no one there).... oh, its ok, she says, they are all waiting for a prescription to be sorted, so what ya after.......

One side of me brain said dam and bugger and how do I shove these people out the way to get to the front and whisper to Suzanne Toms needs..... the other side of me brain just said, dont be stupid just ask....so, having to raise me voice a little I squeek...... Susanne, he has piles.......... WHO she says AND PILES OF WHAT lol... I thought, oh here we go again lmfao..... (Suzanne has know me for over 20 years and knows me lads well, some of her kids are of the same age)..

So I keeps a dead straight face and I says......... Tom has a pile, just one, not a bunch, just a single pile, he wont let me have a look so that I can check that its a pile - not that I would even know what a pile would look like - he says there is one and not a bunch of them running riot, he has looked it up on the internet and is sure that what it is, HE has asked me to see if you have any cream for his single pile..... by now the chemist shop is oh so quiet and I could see the man infront shoulders going up and down where he was trying NOT to laff.....

I says, I told him they usually hang around in a bunch, but he is just not having it... so if you could show me where I can get whatever the hell he is suppose to use, then Im sure he will be forever grateful, cos he said it hurts to sit down LOL.......

Donuts, the man in front says through his laughter...... donuts, thats what your Tom needs....... it makes it more comfortable to sit........ so I says to the laffing man...... he only likes apple donuts and the bakery only do them on a Monday and Friday........ I thought, what the hell is he talking about donuts when my poor Tom needs pile cream......... no he says, you have to get a donut shaped cushion so the pile sits in the hole....... well by now the whole chemist shop is in a fit of laughter.......



That will be £4.95 (about $10) she says.... jebus I say, thats one expensive pile...... I paid me money and left the shop to sounds of giggles...... bloody old codgers aint got nuffin better to do with their day then take the piss out of the less fortunate lol

So when Tom gets home I toss him the bag with the cream in and says.... you owe me a fiver son and you so do not wanna know how difficult it was to get hold of.....

The following day, when Tom came in from work he gave me the cream back and said.... do you think you can take this back to the chemist and get me fiver back.... so I says...... but ya have used it Tom..... well, he says, only once and then me pile was no more........ shut up I says, one dab and ya pile is gone........ well, he says, all sheepish...... actually I think it was just a spot.........

JUST A BLEEDIN SPOT....... I went through all that for just a spot..........

I wish me lads didnt share things with me LOL Ive changed me mind on tell it all and sharing everything....... in future I DONT WANNA KNOW......

I hunted his bedroom to try and find the cream to get a real photo, but alas all I found was piles of clothes and plates and books and money....... Im a Bad Muvver there are Piles Everywhere....

Why do I have that song in me head *I can see for piles and piles and piles* or is that 'miles' :)

Anyways, way more then enough boring Twaddle for a Tuesday evening where Im knackered beyond knackered and all Ive fit for is the knackers yard :)...

x

ps..... my Tom at the time of the break up with his girl, he thought it was the end of the world and no matter how gently a I told him that he was young and he deserved to be loved proper by someone that was genuine and fun and strong etc... it didnt believe it...... I told him its when ya get to my age thats when things in the relationship stakes can look bleak....... anyways......... he has been going out this this beautiful, intelligent, clever girl for the past few months, she is funny and bright and is training to be an accountant...... my Tom is actually alive once again...... and when he bought her around last night, he was beaming just beaming, it made my heart sing for him......