Thursday, 26 April 2007

Hoovers And A LoveBird Named Bones Dont Mix.......



Ok.................. What you must understand is, that, I dont have much luck with 'hoovers', I think me doodle maties call them 'vacuums', and yes I know that the word 'hoover' is actually a make of vacuum cleaner, but over here the word hoover has taken on the whole of the vacuum names....... its just how it is.....

Anyways....... as I said, I dont have much luck with them, for one reason or another I get through 'hoovers' at a rate of knots........ for why I dont know, its not like I even use them much LOL....... there is much more in life then spending hours upon hours hoovering......... ya kids wont remember a spotlessly shining house, what they will remember is the getting down on the floor with sticking and glueing and time spent in the woods etc...........

Ya see, again yesterday, me hoover kept stopping..... sort of like it was overheating..... it was a good excuse NOT to hoover LOL........ Ive only had it just over a year and it cost over 100 quid...... so I rings me matie and says, thats it I need to buy a new hoover....... whats up she said.... so I explained....... well you and hoovers so dont mix........... I said it was probably to do with me sucking up the water in the cats bowl just to see if the suck was strong enough....... oh god she said, you dinlo...... ok ok, so it was an experiment that went wrong lol

So this morning I went out and bought a new one........ its well bleedin posh...... its a Sansung Jet-Propel Bagless :)....... ha.... and it was on offer in Argos, half price offer of the month, it was only 75 quid ($140) instead of 150 quid ($300) BARGAIN :)........

Well, whilst I was sat there with me matie waiting for me goods :) (ok ok so I bought a PINK FLOWERED 2 person tent as well lol)........ I said to me matie.......Jebus, I had a nightmare with me mums hoover once....and I started to really giggle.... ok, she said, spill the bloody beans..



This is the tent I bought today with the hoover :) ok and a matching sleeping bag LOL

Let me explain.......... me mum had this lovebird........ I always called him/her bones cos it was well skinny.... it was pretty little thing, but it was sad cos it lived on its own cos its mate had died and me mum had never got it another partner.......... well........ this happened about 10 years ago......... I was married at the time and even though me mum hated me I would still do favours for her if she asked, she only ever wanted me when she needed something....it was just before the 'lets not talk to Mel for 3 years' stint....... life aye........ so she was off on holiday with me dad, it was a time before they had got divorced......and she wanted me to go in her house and feed 'Bones' whilst they was away and make sure it had water and the cage was cleaned out....... well me mum had one of them 'modern' new fangled cages...... well wicked if ya ask me....... tall upright thing it was..... and unless ya bloody bird could hover up and down there was no way it could fly in there.... so I nipped round to feed Bones and clean him out...... well me mum had one of those upright hoovers....... and the cage had loose sand on the bottom........ and me being me...... couldnt just scoop the dirty sand out could I....... NO I bloody couldnt....... I decided it would be loads easier if I hoovered it out with the pipe attachment...... ya know then I wouldnt have to even come in contact with lovebird poo :)....



Bones was exactly the same as this bird......

So I drag the hoover out of the cupboard, plug it in, open the cage door and turn the hoover on and stick the pipe noozle in the cage and begin to suck up the dirty sand........... all was going great....... what I didnt realise was that with an upright hoover (in those days) the excess air that was suck up the pipe shot out the front of the hoover..... well the little air vent was just at eye level to the perch that Bones was sitting on....... he was scared stiff of the noise and the pipe and with a WHOOOOOOOOOSH the air from the hoover blew him with such force off the perch and before I had time to think ........... I suck him up the pipe....... LMFAO........ omg omg Bones was sucked up the pipe in a split second........

Jebus........ I quickly turned the hoover off and tried to think want to do...... I called........ like a bloody dinlo down the end of the pipe....... Bones bones come out and even put a handfull of seeds in the end.......

OK Im sooooooo laffing whilst typing this and me matie this morning was laffing so loud in the shop that the man came out to ask her to keep the noise down LOL

Well, I shook the pipe of the hoover thinking that I could shake Bones out the end....... nope, that didnt work........ so I had a great Idea......... I looked down the pipe and couldnt see him, so I thought well he must be probably half way down...... I will have to cut the pipe in half......... so I goes and gets a kitchen knife and start to saw through the pipe............ well I ask you....... have you ever done that? no? well DONT.........cos do ya know the pipe has like a twirly spring coil thing in it LOL....... thats how it can stretch....... Im sawing and pulling this spring thing and its getting bigger and still NO Bones to be seen.....

By now Im really panicing....... me mum LOVED this bird....... yes she actually loved something in life........ and I knew that she would YET AGAIN be disappointed in me........ least I was to old for a leathering :)....... so no Bones up the pipe, that only means one thing.......... he must of been sucked right up into the hoover dustbag........ so I open the back of the hoover and pull out the dustbag and listen for sounds of life.......... nuffin......... not a dusty squeek....... nuffin........ so I get the knife again and split open the bag and spread the contents out all over the floor........... my mums clean spotless floor.......... ya see me mum was a cleaning freak, maybe thats why I aint lol......... and there in the middle of the pile of dust and sand was Bones sort of coughing lol well probably choking was more like it....... I grabbed him and flapped him around in the air to try and get the dust off and blew in his face to try and get some air in him lol......

Now me mums lounge was covered in a thin layer of dust but Bones was alive, so all was good.......

I shoved him back in the cage on the perch........ it took a few attempts cos he kept falling off and landing in the bottom of the cage, which now had no sand cos I had sucked it up the hoover lol..... I eventually managed to sort of prop him up against the cage and began to sort out the mess I had made....... I couldnt use the pipe obviously lol cos it was all stretched and cut up lol........ so I shoved that in the dustbin 3 houses along - ya know, get rid of the evidence - and tried to suck up the mess with the normal bit....... forgetting to replace the dustbag LMFAO....... jebus bloody hell dust was flying all over the place........ 3 hours........ 3 bloody hours of dusting etc before me mums room looked anything to the standard in which she left it..........

I fed and watered Bones with many 'Bones Im so sorry' etcs........ well me mum came home and there is NO WAY ON THIS EARTH that I would of dared tell her what had happened............. she never asked directly where the hoover pipe had disappeared to........ and of course there was no way I was gonna say :).......

Two days past....... me mum had told me that it looked like Bones was moulting and that he was off his food....... oh I said... how strange *giggles* *fear*...... well by day 3 Bones didnt have a single feather on his entire body LMFAO........ it was the funniest thing I had ever seen in me life......... a completely naked lovebird..... oh my goodness......... funny funny funny........ I did offer to knit him a little jumper, but I was told 'THAT AINT FUNNY'........ it was the shock you know that made him moult... all the trama of it....



He sort of looked a little like this...... except this is a featherless chicken, but it gives you an idea how Bones looked.......


Well Bones only lived for just over another week.......... I should of owned up........ but I didnt........ I would now, own up I mean......... but me mum aint around no more......... so looks like I got away with that one.......

Well by the time I had finished this morning telling me matie this tale...... she had tears running down her face........ :) I dont think its funny... not really LMFAO....

RIP BONES............ I didnt mean to kill ya.......

Way to much boring Twaddle for a Thursday...........

x

36 comments:

InlandEmpireGirl said...

Oh my gosh...poor old Bones. Now this gives me a great excuse not to vacuum. I would hate to harm a critter at our place! (:

fatty said...

ROFL!! oh mel we would be GREAT maties in real life!!

that reminds me of my husband's prize rooster the dog got. he didn't kill it, just held it down and was plucking all the feathers off his bum. by the time i caught him, the whole back end of the rooster was bald!!

OrdinaryShark said...

Another excellent tale. I love the idea of a little knit jumper. Poor little bBones. He ain't lonely any more.
We loves ys Marmy!

MarmiteToasty said...

~inland~ yeah poor Bones :(..... I so laff when I remember that day, not obviously Bone's trama but the actual event ........x

~fatty~ :)LOL@your story....... I dont know what it is with chickens but I so love em, you dont wanna hear about my tale with phylis the pheasent lol :) x

~((((Sharkie)))))~ you should of seen Bones..... bloody naked he was, a featherless bird is just the funniest thing ever :)

we loves you to shark xxxx

OrdinaryShark said...

My sister had a cat that was hit by a car and thusly needed some docterin'. They shaved her from the neck to the tail and she looked like something from Dr. Seuss.

MarmiteToasty said...

~((Sharkie))~ I hope that cat survived?

My fatcat got hung in a tree for 2 days by his collar, he eventually managed to crawl home with his front leg hanging off, where he had tried to escape and have then got his leg caught in the collar and had sort of 'cheese wired' his leg almost off...... he had been missing for 2 days and when I found him down the garden in a right mess..... ya could see all his ribcage and internal organs.. it was well gross, thought he was a gonna..... but the vet shaved all one side of him and carefully folded and stitched his leg back together..... so he was a half shaved cat LOL......... bloody cats aye...... Ive had mine 12 and 11 years now..... lost so many and these 2 have escaped so much, one even has no tail :) but thats another tale :) lol - fanks sharkie.... just fanks xxxx

ok deep convo over on Foolies, and its left me exhausted..... so if anyone comes around, please turn off the lights cos Im off to bed.... nite xxxx

ciara said...

crikey, (((mel))), u sure have a way w animals lol i don't have any exciting pet stories cuz we ain't really had any but dogs. the last dog was steve's and that dog was not very bright as he liked the ppl more that liked him less lol followed me and my son around all the time...esp my son because my son is NOT a 'pet person' lol (he likes dogs well enough..but don't want them at his heel all the time) course the dog ran the house being left alone for many hrs a day and i don't know if u remember me complaining bout that bk in the my early days in the gloomies. he had to be put to sleep and he was cremated. now sampson's in a wood box out on a shelf in the garage...b4 the move he was up on the shelf of me master bedroom closet lol i have NO idea what steve is gonna do w him, but if he's in the garage, i don't think we need to hang on to him anymore lol plz don't think i'm mean everyone :) lol

Lynn said...

My dear Mel, it seems you have bad luck with the smaller varieties of birds!

Well, at least you have Janet. Now there's a fine bird!

I want to hear about Phylis :-)

The Fool said...

OMFG! I am laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes. "Hoovers" is the label for all vacs, eh? That's part for whole - metonymy. Yummy subject. You just gave me an idea...

But...back to the laughter...I can only imagine that tent out in the wild up here. It would give a bear an effen heart attack. How about a dozen? We could alter migrations of caribou. That's one spiffy tent (and accessorized with a color coordinated bag to boot). Still, they don't match the boots.

Love that bald chicken. Need a dozen of those too. Just to irk my neighbors. They can be guard chickens. And they'll give the dingo something to herd.

And as for ol' Bones....to surmise the wisdom of Dear Abby, "Ah, that's too bad."

Great story, M-Toasty - that was a good laugh. Okay...sorry, Bones.

:)

Side Note said...

Did you save Bones' skull?

OrdinaryShark said...

Yes, the cat survived.
It's amazing what we can survive.
((Mel))

JBelle said...

well. We call somebody who will eat anything and everything, particularly off other peoples' plates, HOOVER. You know your Hoover may have suffered peripheral or ancilliary damage of a minor nature from this, forgive me, dust up :::: but really, you and I know what ultimately killed him:

a broken heart.

YOU CAN'T HAVE JUST ONE LOVE BIRD. A lovebird without a mate is stripped of his cultural and biological being, his purpose. It's abusive!

I'm sure of it.

:)

Ol' Lady said...

your a dangerous person when armed with a hoover!
I'm not allowed to have birds...my kids won't let me...since I killed (not on purpose) a little hummingbird...accidentally poisoned it...but I did try to keep it alive...in the bar b q (only place the wild cats couldn't get)

The Woman said...

LMBO!

Was perusing links and made my way here through Fatty. So glad I did!

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((Ciara slag)))~ ya should go back and read me post about Socrates me tortoise :)..... we have had what seems like hundreds of pets lol xxxx

RIP me pets....

~((Lynn)))~ :) you trying to tell me I shouldnt have small creatures lol and you soooooooo dont wanna hear about Phylis :) xxxxx

~(((((Foolie))))))~ yep the word 'hoover' over here means 'to hoover the lounge' or 'go hoover the stairs' or 'go get the hoover' even if its an electrelux :)

And stop laffing will ya lol......

aint me new tent just the bestest :)....... we have so many tents in this house lol, but I just fell in love with that one ....... we have a proper North Face tent and army bivi's :) and even a new tent last year that aint been out the bag yet lol........ BUT...... I love that little pink tent lol and I DONT usually do PINK :)...... can you imagine me camping in me pink tent in the wilds of alaska or america LOL......... I'll have to get back in contact with me matie Rich that lives in Alaska cos he promised to take me and me lads out camping if we ever got over to visit :) ..... hugs xxxx

~(((SideNote))))~ no, me mum shoved it in a butter tub and buried it LOL..... xx

~(((((Sharkie)))))) yep it sure is ;) xxxxxx glad ya cat lived

~(((JBelle)))~ your right about lovebirds only ever having one matie..... but Bones had been without his woman for about a year..... I think he died of 'death by hoover' lol....... we also call Sprite that I childmind 'hoover' now that she can eat most things and not just mushy baby grub, she crawls around eating whatever she finds lol her and Janet make a right couple of hoovers :) xxxxxxxx

~Ol Lady~ welcome to this crazy place....... LOL@your tale..... Ive always wanted to see a real hummingbird, alive of course :)......

oh you so dont wanna hear about the canarys I use to have LOL x

ok....... its way gone midnight here....... Shark if you could get me lights and sort the cats out :) ya will find tea and crumpets in the cupboard by the kettle........

slater maties....... fanks for popping by...... nite xxxxx

Susan said...

I once got into my older sister's hamster cage and got the hamster out without permission and dropped him, and he ran under the washing machine and got stuck, and I pulled him out, and his tail got stuck, and I accidentally pulled off his tail. Oh my gosh. I felt terrible, so I knew I needed to clean up the poor thing and put him back in his cage, so I took him in the bathroom and poured alcohol on the wound.

Poor poor thing.

eddie said...

Poor mr bones, i have never laughed so hard thanks

The Fool said...

Susan - you and Marmie should open a pet store.

:)

E. H. said...

does a hoover make a sound like...looooooooooooooooooooooooon?

gazey said...

(((( Mizz Marmy )))

great photos...and stories.

Love you!

Gary said...

You have a wonderful blog. Very unique.

I like that tent, but I think the color is a bit feminine for me.

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((Susan)))~ heheheehhehe at your story with the hamster...... jebus the storys of the hampsters Ive had.... but thats maybe for another time...... xxxxx

~(((Eddie)))~ I think you come here just to laff LOL :)... RIP Bones... xxx

~((((Foolie))))~ :) can you imagine me in a pet shop LMFAO....and I need to fank you dear man....xxxxxx

~(((Starr)))~ :) oh shut up will ya LMFAO.......and oh, I was telling someone else here in real life about cowie yesterday :) and my god the plans we have for it :) its gonna have a right grand tour....... xxxxxxx

~((((Gazey)))~ love you to :)...... I'll email ya this weekend xxxxxxxx

~Gary~ welcome to the nut house filled also with nutty commenters lol - I LOVE your blob ...... and oye..... unique... WHATS THAT SURPOSE TO MEAN lol....... hope your come back......x

SHARK - you made me speachless this morning....... email ya later....... xxxxxxxxxxxx

ok have to go and get petrol for the mini moto ;) and then back to me little garden.... we are having record temperatures here for April since records began...... bbl xxxxx

E. H. said...

camping with that pink tent is about all the holiday anyone would need. Ya know that is why they paint those 'special' rooms pink...ya loon.

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((Starr)))~ aint that little tent just the bestest :)....... its just for a little bit of fun, we have 5 or so tents here :) and have proper ones like North Face ones and well proper mummy style sleeping bags.... we is proper ya know..... but I saw this one and just fell in love with it lol...... and I AINT A PINK girlie person lol..... now if it had matched me orange and red docs then I wouldnt of cared if it cost an arm and a leg I would of just had to of had it........... I just thought it was a bit of fun for when I go on our Scouts Family weekend....... least when someone says...... which tent is Mels.. there will be no mistake lol ..... oh - and whats happened to the posts on your blob? gawds sake.....xxx

E. H. said...

just took out the garbage and went fishing for a couple of days.

Lynda said...

Well, at least he survived until your mom got home. I sucked up a bird in the vacuum once or twice in my time too. They always came out ok, but my mom said sometimes they get caught in the fan. Yeowch!

I don't know how old Bones was, but if he was anywhere between 15 and 25 years, it could have just been his time. :)

I lost your link for a bit, but I am bookmarking you now!

Jade said...

i just choked on my lunch laughing



ROUND UP THE TROOPS! now you gotta get those same 33 people to vote FOR fab! you can vote for more than one person in a category

the psycho therapist said...

The following is an off-thread comment:


Hello. Hello. Hello!
Sorry I haven't been around for awhile, dearest dearest you. Work and work and work and other assorted life matters. You know, the usual.

Just a teesny weensy "hi". It's all the fingers can muster at the moment. I'll send more after the cavalry comes with more supplies.

I feel you, mate, no worries. You are "gold" on this end, no worries. Always, always, all ways.

;)


{{{{{you 'n me}}}}}

--

Jump to the Left said...

I'm not a fan of hoovering, myself. In fact, I hate hoovering. My hoover has a crevice wand. Yes, crevice wand, which I use regularly. The crevice wand has more control and focus than the hoover, which just sort of goes off every where spitting out dust.

I hate the hoover.

BUT, I do so enjoy hearing you tell a tale about it...
LOL.

Damn, now I'll be thinking of poor bones when I hoover. heh heh heh.
(Sorry bones.)
x

Ordinary Janet said...

You're a menace with vacuums! Maybe you shouldn't use one at all. Get rugs instead of carpeting and hang them over the line and beat them, it'd be good anger management therapy too!

B.R.M said...

Maybe you should stick with hardwood floors, brooms and hand vacs....with a dash of therapy.

How funny.

TN Becky

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((Starr)))~ you took the rubbish out and went fishing LOL...... xx

~Lynda~ welcome back :), I hoovered up me wisdom teeth once..... and oh my the story about when I HAD to hoover up 50 stick insects.... maybe thats for another day lol...... hope you return xxx

~Jade~ welcome..... no choking cos I dont wanna have to throw you on the floor and pound ya chest until ya breathe again lol...... can ya tell, I have me medic certificate lol xxx ps..... it was a joke, I didnt really vote 33 times for that other twat lol xx

(((((((((((Wendy)))))))))))) :) I feel ya...... xxxxxxxxx

~(((Jump)))~ Ive missed you.... glad you stumbled back through the door.......

When I hoover in the week I will sing that song... dem bones dem bones dem dry bones, now hear the word of the lord :)

Miss Green to :( - oh well....... xxx

~Ordinary Janet~ welcome to the mad house lol...... now we have an ordinary shark AND and ordinary janet, but somehow I dont think there is anything ordinary about either of you lol xx

~((brm))~ see you get promoted to hugs lol...... is therapy like a gin and orange ;).... jebus I aint had a drink since crimbo LOL.... and then it was just wine...... xxx

Jump to the Left said...

Marm,

I've missed hanging around too. I've got so much on my plate and on my mind, my brain's not even working right. It just sort of putters and stalls and goes into "hibernate" mode. I need to lock myself up for a month, but I don't see that happening.

Should be over in 4-6 weeks.

I love your stories, lady. And your kickin-chickin is a real kick.

:)

xx

green libertarian said...

When I hoover in the week I will sing that song... dem bones dem bones dem dry bones, now hear the word of the lord :)

ROFL! (((((Marmite))))))

My Hoover (actually a Kenmore, that's Sears brand, dunno if they have Sears over there) has lasted 10 years!

Rice said...

Poor old Bones! He didn't have a chance up against that Hoover.

My sister had a bird like that. When it died I suggested that they flush it down the toilet. Boy was she mad. They were all crying. Babies. lol

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((Rice)))~ welcome :) - jebus the number of things I have flushed down the loo lol...... the guinnea pig was the hardest, I had to get a coat hanging to poke it round the bend lol ;)

x