Hoovers And A LoveBird Named Bones Dont Mix.......

Ok.................. What you must understand is, that, I dont have much luck with 'hoovers', I think me doodle maties call them 'vacuums', and yes I know that the word 'hoover' is actually a make of vacuum cleaner, but over here the word hoover has taken on the whole of the vacuum names....... its just how it is.....

Anyways....... as I said, I dont have much luck with them, for one reason or another I get through 'hoovers' at a rate of knots........ for why I dont know, its not like I even use them much LOL....... there is much more in life then spending hours upon hours hoovering......... ya kids wont remember a spotlessly shining house, what they will remember is the getting down on the floor with sticking and glueing and time spent in the woods etc...........

Ya see, again yesterday, me hoover kept stopping..... sort of like it was overheating..... it was a good excuse NOT to hoover LOL........ Ive only had it just over a year and it cost over 100 quid...... so I rings me matie and says, thats it I need to buy a new hoover....... whats up she said.... so I explained....... well you and hoovers so dont mix........... I said it was probably to do with me sucking up the water in the cats bowl just to see if the suck was strong enough....... oh god she said, you dinlo...... ok ok, so it was an experiment that went wrong lol

So this morning I went out and bought a new one........ its well bleedin posh...... its a Sansung Jet-Propel Bagless :)....... ha.... and it was on offer in Argos, half price offer of the month, it was only 75 quid ($140) instead of 150 quid ($300) BARGAIN :)........

Well, whilst I was sat there with me matie waiting for me goods :) (ok ok so I bought a PINK FLOWERED 2 person tent as well lol)........ I said to me matie.......Jebus, I had a nightmare with me mums hoover once....and I started to really giggle.... ok, she said, spill the bloody beans..



This is the tent I bought today with the hoover :) ok and a matching sleeping bag LOL

Let me explain.......... me mum had this lovebird........ I always called him/her bones cos it was well skinny.... it was pretty little thing, but it was sad cos it lived on its own cos its mate had died and me mum had never got it another partner.......... well........ this happened about 10 years ago......... I was married at the time and even though me mum hated me I would still do favours for her if she asked, she only ever wanted me when she needed something....it was just before the 'lets not talk to Mel for 3 years' stint....... life aye........ so she was off on holiday with me dad, it was a time before they had got divorced......and she wanted me to go in her house and feed 'Bones' whilst they was away and make sure it had water and the cage was cleaned out....... well me mum had one of them 'modern' new fangled cages...... well wicked if ya ask me....... tall upright thing it was..... and unless ya bloody bird could hover up and down there was no way it could fly in there.... so I nipped round to feed Bones and clean him out...... well me mum had one of those upright hoovers....... and the cage had loose sand on the bottom........ and me being me...... couldnt just scoop the dirty sand out could I....... NO I bloody couldnt....... I decided it would be loads easier if I hoovered it out with the pipe attachment...... ya know then I wouldnt have to even come in contact with lovebird poo :)....



Bones was exactly the same as this bird......

So I drag the hoover out of the cupboard, plug it in, open the cage door and turn the hoover on and stick the pipe noozle in the cage and begin to suck up the dirty sand........... all was going great....... what I didnt realise was that with an upright hoover (in those days) the excess air that was suck up the pipe shot out the front of the hoover..... well the little air vent was just at eye level to the perch that Bones was sitting on....... he was scared stiff of the noise and the pipe and with a WHOOOOOOOOOSH the air from the hoover blew him with such force off the perch and before I had time to think ........... I suck him up the pipe....... LMFAO........ omg omg Bones was sucked up the pipe in a split second........

Jebus........ I quickly turned the hoover off and tried to think want to do...... I called........ like a bloody dinlo down the end of the pipe....... Bones bones come out and even put a handfull of seeds in the end.......

OK Im sooooooo laffing whilst typing this and me matie this morning was laffing so loud in the shop that the man came out to ask her to keep the noise down LOL

Well, I shook the pipe of the hoover thinking that I could shake Bones out the end....... nope, that didnt work........ so I had a great Idea......... I looked down the pipe and couldnt see him, so I thought well he must be probably half way down...... I will have to cut the pipe in half......... so I goes and gets a kitchen knife and start to saw through the pipe............ well I ask you....... have you ever done that? no? well DONT.........cos do ya know the pipe has like a twirly spring coil thing in it LOL....... thats how it can stretch....... Im sawing and pulling this spring thing and its getting bigger and still NO Bones to be seen.....

By now Im really panicing....... me mum LOVED this bird....... yes she actually loved something in life........ and I knew that she would YET AGAIN be disappointed in me........ least I was to old for a leathering :)....... so no Bones up the pipe, that only means one thing.......... he must of been sucked right up into the hoover dustbag........ so I open the back of the hoover and pull out the dustbag and listen for sounds of life.......... nuffin......... not a dusty squeek....... nuffin........ so I get the knife again and split open the bag and spread the contents out all over the floor........... my mums clean spotless floor.......... ya see me mum was a cleaning freak, maybe thats why I aint lol......... and there in the middle of the pile of dust and sand was Bones sort of coughing lol well probably choking was more like it....... I grabbed him and flapped him around in the air to try and get the dust off and blew in his face to try and get some air in him lol......

Now me mums lounge was covered in a thin layer of dust but Bones was alive, so all was good.......

I shoved him back in the cage on the perch........ it took a few attempts cos he kept falling off and landing in the bottom of the cage, which now had no sand cos I had sucked it up the hoover lol..... I eventually managed to sort of prop him up against the cage and began to sort out the mess I had made....... I couldnt use the pipe obviously lol cos it was all stretched and cut up lol........ so I shoved that in the dustbin 3 houses along - ya know, get rid of the evidence - and tried to suck up the mess with the normal bit....... forgetting to replace the dustbag LMFAO....... jebus bloody hell dust was flying all over the place........ 3 hours........ 3 bloody hours of dusting etc before me mums room looked anything to the standard in which she left it..........

I fed and watered Bones with many 'Bones Im so sorry' etcs........ well me mum came home and there is NO WAY ON THIS EARTH that I would of dared tell her what had happened............. she never asked directly where the hoover pipe had disappeared to........ and of course there was no way I was gonna say :).......

Two days past....... me mum had told me that it looked like Bones was moulting and that he was off his food....... oh I said... how strange *giggles* *fear*...... well by day 3 Bones didnt have a single feather on his entire body LMFAO........ it was the funniest thing I had ever seen in me life......... a completely naked lovebird..... oh my goodness......... funny funny funny........ I did offer to knit him a little jumper, but I was told 'THAT AINT FUNNY'........ it was the shock you know that made him moult... all the trama of it....



He sort of looked a little like this...... except this is a featherless chicken, but it gives you an idea how Bones looked.......


Well Bones only lived for just over another week.......... I should of owned up........ but I didnt........ I would now, own up I mean......... but me mum aint around no more......... so looks like I got away with that one.......

Well by the time I had finished this morning telling me matie this tale...... she had tears running down her face........ :) I dont think its funny... not really LMFAO....

RIP BONES............ I didnt mean to kill ya.......

Way to much boring Twaddle for a Thursday...........

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