Monday, 2 April 2007

Bloody Weekend - Part I - Deaf Saturday



Ok.........What you have to know is that, I usually do me main grocery shop online with ASDA or Tesco (that means that someone does ya shopping for ya and they deliver at a time to suit you and it just costs £4-£5 on top of the cost of ya groceries) which are the 2 main supermarkets here... and then during the week I buy fresh fruit and veggie from the local greengrocers shop or the market, and I buy most of our meat from the butchers shop just up the road....... Im a firm believer in 'use em or lose em'........ I never buy me newspaper from the supermarket its always from our local newspaper shop, and lightbulbs etc from our village Ironmongers.......

BUT once in a while its actually nice *ha to wander around the supermarket for more hands on and tempting things.........

What you also have to remember is that for me to go grocery shopping on a SATURDAY it means our cupboards must be bare to the point that we have to lick our finger and rub the inside of the cupboard just to get a taste of treacle or sugar :).....

So...... the scene is set.... aint to happy about grocery shopping on a Saturday, so the mood you can imagine was ripe :)..... I gets me shopping trolley at the door and walk in..... only to find that the little ASDA as we call it which is a smaller shop compared to the BIG ASDA Hypermarket - is under refurbishment....... so everything is NOT where is should be..... they are making some bloody new fish counter and a new pizza counter so its put everything in a turmoil....... I WAS NOT APPY....... the aisles were narrower and it was packed with bloody people......

Anyways......how come I ALWAYS get the doddlers in front of me that pick up every packet and read all the labels...... the old and infirm...... ya know, ya old and infirm it dont really matter that its got to much salt or fat in it YOUR OLD AND INFIRM.... who actually gives a toss at your age..... gawds sake....... so in front of me is this couple, and Im sort of in a hurry down the biscuit aisle and the daft sods STOP dead in the middle of what I call the overtaking side LOL....... ok ok, only I know its the overtaking side, but still surely its common sense right? .....

So Im not really looking as such where Im going and they stop and I ram me shopping trolley right into the heels of the bloke..... almost bringing the poor sod to his knees, the noise he made, anyone would of thought I had swung a mallet at his head..... and in my defence, it was sort of his fault for stopping........ his wifey turned round and said something not nice to me........ when I looked he was rubbing his heels, which I will admit were bleeding LOL....... quite a bit....staining his white socks (white socks are so 80s)... ok, let me just say, this bloke was neither old or infirm..... well he looked mid fifties so I suppose that is a little old.........

I was just gonna say 'Im so very sorry' when the wifey continued to sort of rant a little at me.......... so I went into survival mode, which is something I often have to do when out with me Matie Ann....... it often gets us out of stickie situations, but I had never tried it on me own before, as Ann was not with me, so this would be a first.......

As the wifey is still ranting at me and he is still rubbing his bleeding heels making strange noises (please lordy dont make me have to do first aid on him).... me survival mode kicked in and I did the DEAF fake hand signs, yes, I pretended I was deaf and I couldnt understand them.... you know, surely you all do it sometimes?.... where ya use one hand and tap ya chin and ya hand and spread ya fingers and it looks like you are doing sign language......... ya nodding right?




So the wifey sees me and says 'oh Dave she is deaf, just leave her'...... to which I say in that sort of grunty deaf talk 'I mite b def but i aint dumb, arsehole'....... to which the wifey said 'oh my, Dave, she can lipread, dont let her see your lips' LMFAO HHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG so funny........ so they scurry, well he limps off....... so I grabs me trolley and overtakes them and smile as I pass.... and there at the end of the aisle is me matie Lucy, she is one of me minded kids mums........ she is so laffing, so very laffing, she had witnessed it all....... so we are there chatting when I turn round to see Dave and his wifey standing there with their gobs so wide that the Eurostar could of driven in...... so again I just smile sweetly.......

Now Dave was not nice calling me a bloody inconsiderate lying bastard...... which is not really the thing to shout out loud in aisle 3 in ASDA, is it - I wonder if I can get him banned.... I was so tempted to give him the middle finger sign..... but Im to much of a lady :)......

Enuff Twaddle for a Monday...

x

22 comments:

BurdockBoy said...

My gawd you must have run him over good to draw blood. Otherwise your trolleys over there must have spikes sticking off of the front of them.

I've just started learning sign language so perhaps I will be able to fake deaf soon.

Oh, and I admit to be one of the tossers that read the labels on stuff. But hey, we don't have people getting run over at our little ol' co-op grocery store either.

ps. The gnome story was quite the hoot. I don't usually LOL, but there were some chuckles with that one.

Starr Kelso said...

Hey, back off on the white socks! Not only are they a sign of good taste but if worn properly, up to about mid calf, they are quite stylish. Other benefits include good hygiene...you can always tell who has changed their socks and who has not...and in some situations people have allergies to colored socks. Don't be a picking on the disabled. Also, I suppose it doesn't hurt to be in the 50's, but back off on the socks!

MarmiteToasty said...

~((Burdock))~ maybe he had 'thin heel skin' lol :) oh god, dont say he was a hemophiliac.....jebus what have I done...... :) well, listen, judging by the speed of me trolley to his sudden stop makes for quite a force..... he should consider himself lucky I didnt break his ankle or something.....

and ya know, word for word the gnome story was the gods honest truth..... :) xx

~((((Starr)))~ oye, it was a wind up about the age..... I mean, middle 50s aint bloody old for gawds sake...... I was being a smartarse :)

And over here people only usually wear white socks for sports..... or if ya gay LOL...... :) - ya aint really cross with me post are ya? cos ya sound it? :( Im sorry if it seemed offensive - dear god, dont say he wears white socks with sandels LMFAO...... ;)

x

Starr Kelso said...

Sandals, Good Heavens Mtoast! This here is the North. White socks with tennis shoes and boots.

MarmiteToasty said...

~((Starr))~ LOL@tennis shoes - we just call them things 'trainers'...

x

Starr Kelso said...

Mtoast...I have been out of me trainers now going on 54 years or so. Oh, by the way, it is still boot weather...it is SNOWING out as I type this.

MarmiteToasty said...

~((Starr))~ *rolling me blob eyes* - trainers are what we call sports shoes, you know, nikes adidas reebok etc etc...... not baby trainer shoes..... gawds sake......

I own 4 pairs of trainers, all blue and white lol - 3 pairs of hiking boots - 7 pairs of multicoloured doc martens (5 of which Im gonna ebay) - 2 pairs of Caterpillar boots - 1 pair of funeral shoes (actually they be binned - long story) - 2 pairs of flip floppy sandals and one pink fluffy pair of slippers....... oh and 3 pairs of wellies.....

One day I will be buried in me orange and red flowered doc martens, I wear them for hiking, gardening, shopping etc.... the bestest pair of boots I ave ever owned......

OrdinaryShark said...

Well Marm- As you know, I'm a former sing language interpreter so if you show me what signs you made, I will tell you exactly what you said. I take note you already know the meaning of the middle finget sign. However, I've never heard of someone getting a bye just for being deef. You can also talk funny and that helps with the overall impression.
But what I want to say is WTF! I just was getting ready to do some laundry so I went and opened the washer while the broccoli was cooking and WOOOOSH gallons of water come cascading out, just like in the cartoons. There was nothing in the washer and so no reason for ANY water to be in there. Something got bumped and filled up the bloody thing or Weaselboy thought it a right funny prank. I had to dump my entire rag barrel on the floor to soak it all up. I thought of getting out a kayak first but I just waded in.
And Weaselboy is building the house himself, not having it made. Using a ton of recycled house parts and not even putting in a septic system, using a composting toilet. Green would approve. Footprint is about 600 sq. ft with 2 floors so it will be an easy target with the spud cannon.
Remind me to tell you the story of WB making smoke bombs or better yet the dry ice bombs. The things I let them do. All the smart parents wouldn't let their kids over. Or maybe the one about his cocktail party. Molitov cocktail. My ex threated to call the constables on me for that one. (he-he)
I gotta go clean up the flipp'n laundry room.

Starr Kelso said...

Still snowing...Turn out the lights ya loon.

Michael said...

Here via Pointless Drivel's blog. Ya daft happeth, never attempted the pretending to be deaf thing myself. Both my Dad's parents were deaf and mute so know some sign language.

We tend to shop online as Safeway here in the States delivers for a nominal fee.

btw I am a Brit living in the States.

MarmiteToasty said...

~((Shark))~ do you know that broccolli is me favourite veggie, right along side with parsnips :)

Oh I most certainly did get a bye cos she thought I was deaf, thats the british for ya, cant deal with any sort of disability lol....... thats why in my job we have to have toys that represent as many disabilities as possible as well as multicultural toys and puzzles, to teach the nippers that everyone is different but equal no matter what their disability or colour.....:) our daycare rules and regulations and inspections seem so HIGH compared with doodles ones.... policies policies bloody policies :)

LOL@your washing machine....... wow you have a proper front loader? thats well odd for a doodle... blimey hope it didnt cause to much mess...... YOU WOULD SO not believe the tale I have of my washing machine...... I might post about it.... it will be the gods honest truth..... :)

Lucky lucky weaselboy..... WOW.... /sigh.....I could only offer me lad the shed LOL

Ya know, kids should be kids :)..... mischief and all :)...... some of the things that I use to get up to that me parents would of actually beaten me alive for lol...... Ive been more lenient on me lads, within reason LMFAO......xxxxxx

~((Starr))~ snowing? SNOWING? it was like a summers day here yesterday :)..... T-shirt weather.... sod the snow now, spring is here.....xxxx

~Michael~ welcome matie :)...... welcome to the mad house lol...WOW on your parents..... just WOW......
WoooooHooooo a Brit on me site.... well a secondhand Brit, a doodlebrit like Peanut LMFAO..... least someone else will be able to understand me now :) x

JBelle said...

Mel, It's been years since I have shopped in the daytime. I usually go at 5 am or midnight. Keeps me out of trouble. ;)

Sher said...

LOL!

BTW, I'm going to say "shopping trolley" all day long and for no good reason to everyone I meet.

I'm originally from the state of NC, so I would say "buggy". I'm not proud of it, but there it is.

Lynda said...

But, but...you can read lips! Didn't Dave realize this when he called you a liar!

Or did you turn around and give yourself away?

I thought everyone knew about the overtaking side....

MarmiteToasty said...

~sher~ your most welcome here in this mad house - now its my turn to LOL - a buggy here is what we shove nippers in ya know they fold up and ya put them in the boot of the car, I think you call them 'strollers' which is quite daft lol ..... if I said me to matie, 'hey Ann shove the stroller in the boot of the car' she would probably pick up the nearest stick and wack me with me for speaking strange LOL ..... x

~lynda~ welcome back :) - I CANT REALLY READ LIPs I aint even deaf lol it was a 'get out of jail free card' often used to get me and me matie out of stickie situations :) *ha x

Side Note (signing) said...

...

The Fool said...

Thanks M-Toasty...your stories are so uplifting. I needed a good laugh.

They recently moved everything around in our local groceries too. Confusing as hell trying to reorientate isn't it? I keep coming home with the wrong stuff. I need new recipes to use some of it.

Carry band-aids while travelling (for other people, silly). And ol's Dave was not only rather rude for calling you a "bloody inconsiderate lying bastard" - he was genderly daft in his summation.

Love the shopping cart photo. All of the white in the background led me to believe it's all taking place on snow. May be on to a new winter sport here...

Have a wonderful day, matie.

MarmiteToasty said...

~((SideNote))~ LOL ya loon....xx

~(((Foolie)))~ hope your feeling a tad better? - they be true life not stories..... and its plasters not bandaids lol thats a charity band ;) xxxxxxxx

green libertarian said...

Having worked for an organization that supported people with disabilities for many years, (in IT), I can tell you those most aware and caring and trying to make a difference for those folks, mainstreaming them etc, also tell the funniest damn stories... 'nuff said about that.

Shark! That is so cool what you boy is doing! What is the basic design of the place? How is he using passive solar? Ever heard of annualized geo-solar?

Uhhhh, feel free to answer over on my blog.

Marmite, great funny (I know, I know, shut up) story. Man, do you ever think fast on your feet.

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((Green)))~ well sometimes ya have to laff at life and people, its all part of being human, it dont mean though that I dont have great compassion and empathy and love for people that are different, I ooze it....... I mean, me maties call me cripple and forest all the time now lmfao..... but it dont mean they dont love me :).....

And Ive always had a quick answer to people and situations lol........ :) maybe Im just gobbie LMFAO xxxxxxxxxxx

Ordinary Janet said...

I'm deaf, and this was funny! I pull the "deaf act" myself sometimes to get out of situations I don't want to deal with. It's amazing how fast people will leave you alone once you pretend you don't understand them because you're deaf.

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