On-Line Feline Surgery.......Ambrose Please Forgive Me.....

Ok................ I have this cat, actually I have 2, well, sort of 3, but one is like a part-time cat and lives somewhere else part of the year and tends to live with us in the winter..... anyways thats off track.......

I swore to meself about 20 years ago, that I would never love another animal after me mother had me dog put down to spite me, it was a dog that I had had when I was 16 and it became me best companion, I so loved that little dog, it was like me little bit love in a home that didnt have much...... its a long story, and I wont bore you with it on here, just suffice to say, that me little healthy dog was put down in a mean and spiteful act to try and punish me...... anyways, after the upset of that I said, I would never get attached to a little animal again....... cold hearted git I am...... but ya know me...... well it didnt last.... look at me love for Janet LOL and Eric to name a few.....

So one of me cats is called Ambrose...... Ive had Ambrose for 12 1/2 years...... I love this cat, I love this cat so much, that I would run into a burning building to save her......

She is a tail-less, skankie, scabby cat...... we are very well suited...... I love her and she LOVES me with a passion...... I can hardly go anywhere in me house or garden without her being at me feet.....and now with her and Janet Im surprised I aint fallen arse over tit tripping over the pair of them lol

So........ this morning when I walked down me stairs at 6.30 to bung the kettle on, imagine how me heart beat and the dread in me soul when I saw this.......



I thought she was dead.....

Jebus me heart almost stopped, I had this huge lump in me throat...... it stopped me dead in me tracks...... oh no, oh no, please, please, not Ambrose....... so I slowly walked up to the computer table to where she was hanging over the edge, sort of dangling and went to touch her thinking she would be all stiff and riggered into that bent shape, when I must of startled her, cos she shot about 3 foot in the air in fright LOL......... oh bloody hell she had just been sleeping lol........

When I thought she was dead, it bought back a memory of a few years ago....... ciara might be able to remember it LOL........... ya see....... I use to chat in this place that I call the 'Gloomies' whats where I became friends with that slag ciara..... a mix of people use to chat in there, many many disturbed people lol, but a handful of real lovely maties..........this was before I was shown the world of blobs and blobbers....

Well, one evening I was sort of chatting to a few maties in there, when me cat Ambrose wandered in from the garden and jumped up onto the computer table........ usually when Im on the computer she can be found here......





This is where Ambrose sits when Im on the computer...... she needs to be near me lol

So....... me cat jumps up onto this computer table and I notice that her head on one side is about twice the size it should be...... her face on one side was all swollen and her eye was amost swollen shut.......

Well, one of the maties that I use to chat with in the 'Gloomies' was some sort of Pig Vet Doctor Person...... quite a clever blokie in his field, and he had been me matie for a while, so I mentions that me cat's head and face was sort of BIG ..... so he tells me grab her and look at the face proper...... which I do, and I tell him that the whole side of her face is hard but twice the size and there was 2 little puncture marks on the swollen bit.......... so he reckons that me little skinny skankie tail-less scabby cat Ambrose had probably got bitten by another animal and had some absess on its cheek...... and he said, oh Mel thats easy to deal with......... so I says..... what, me deal with........ so this is what happened......

He told me to get a towel, a sharp pointie thing, and something to disinfect the wound, and he would talk me through on-line in this chat room, what to do LOL...... so I gather the tools of the trade except the only sharp instrument I could find was me bread knife and the only sterilizing thing I could think of was a bottle of bleach and a tiny bottle of gin....... I was not sure what he meant by something to disinfect the wound, but thought bleach and gin sounded about right, cos I knew bleach well cleans our loos and gin Ive seen them pour on a wound on a film on the telly...... :).......

So I grabs the cat in a towel like me chatroom matie is telling me via me computer screen....... he then told me to make a tiny incision in the swelling and to gently squeeze and the poison (hence the swelling) would squeeze out, he warned me that it would stink, and that when I had popped the absess and squeezed the swelling, to then apply the stuff to sterilize the wound....... he didnt ask me what I was gonna use, I presume he thought I knew what I was doing lol.....

Well........ you aint seen nuffin like it....... I grabs Ambrose, gently digs the bread knife into the swelling, squeezes it gently (see was NOT happy with this and starts to struggle) all the time gagging cos the smell from the oozing pus...... she is still struggling a little, but I did have her wrapped in a towel....... so then I apply the bleach and the gin mixture to the open cut.......... BIG BIG BIG BLOODY MISTAKE..........

Now, whether it was that she would of preferred a nice brandy or a lovely malt whiskey or that she just didnt like the bleach gin mixture on an open wound, I aint sure........ but she meowwwwwwwed soooooo loud that I let me grip of the towel loose and she begain really struggling and clawing..... so I grabbed her collar and she went mental....... she forgot that it was me, me that loved her, me that was only trying to help...... and she clawed and fought and scratched and hissed and bit and scratched...... all the time, I still have hold of her, scared shitless now to let go LOL..... well I eventually let go cos I thought she was gonna claw me face as well as me arm........ she shot out the catflat as such a speed that the 2 sec magnetic lock delay didnt have time to work and she took the door with her LOL........

When I looked at the mess before me, there was blood everywhere..... but not from Ambrose it was coming from me LOL....... she had clawed me arm and wrist and the blood was spurting from a cut on me wrist ....... gawds sake....had to apply direct pressure for yonks to stop the flow lol...... good job I know what to do in an accident emergency.... all that medic training comes in handy sometimes......

Well me matie on the screen was saying (well he was typing)......... talk to me Mel, whats happening, have you done it.... LOL....... so I thought I had better give him a rundown...... and all he could do was laff and take the piss........ GIN AND BLEACH you used gin and bleach, are you MENTAL lol......... so I logged off and went to find me cat....... she eventually came back in after about an hour........ by then I had stopped me wrist bleeding and I rang the AniMed Vets which is open all hours........ it was now late sunday evening and the vet told me to take the cat over to them which is about 14 miles away.......... Jebus, sunday evening out of hours, this was gonna cost me, BUT...... I love me cat and it didnt matter......

So we get to the vets and I relay what happened........ first of all he was a little cross with me, and then he laffed and laffed and laffed....... he actually said I had done quite a good job with me 'online feline surgery' but the best thing I could now do was to get meself down the hospital cos he thought I needed stitches in me wrist LOL....... so I asked him if he could do it to save me a trip, with which he almost creased up with laughter........ but the funny thing is, I was being serious lol......

So 'on-line feline surgery' cost me £150 ($300) for the vets bills for the out of hour appointment and the anti-biotics for Ambrose me cat........ and also cost me a 2 hour wait down the hospital and 5 stictches in me wrist...........

So after the frantic evening, I eventually got back home with me cat and me wrist stitched and I drank the rest of the gin LOL......

But ya know what........ Ambrose forgave me, cos she knows I love her, and I was only trying to help.......

She has no tail cos me twat neighbour caught her tail in his garage door and the vet had to cut it off to save her life....this was about 8 years ago.. and she has real bad skin cos she has Eczema.......she never wanders out of the garden and she loves people and she loves me especially......



She loves boxes...... remember that photo of her when she claimed the box with shredded paper that dear Starr had sent Cowie in......



She has to be next to me when Im in the garden, even if it means sitting in a flowerpot lol...



I know this is a little dark, but Ambrose and Janet me chicken have become firm friends...... and usually where one can be found you will find the other......

Did I ever tell you, THIS IS ONE CRAZY BLOODY HOUSE......

Soooooooo......... if ya have any pets that need sussing and sorting, I have bleach and gin :)...... and a little scar on me wrist to prove me mentalness that Sunday night a couple of years ago LOL

No more 'On-Line Feline Surgery' for me....... EVER......

Way way to much boring twaddle for a summer solstice evening.......

x