To My Father - I Should Hate You But I Dont, I Cant....I Love You...

Ok....... What you have to remember is that my father for whatever reasons in his life, was, towards his family and very noticeably towards me, a differnt man to what he was towards his friends and work collegues....... he was funny and witty and very well respected in his field...... why he changed when he walked through the door of his home, when ever he came home..... I do not know....... I can only presume he didnt want to be there......maybe it was the war that changed him, or his father leaving his mother for another woman, maybe thats what made him bitter, maybe its cos he knew his marriage to my mother was a mistake....... he should of just leant how to channel his anger in another way, instead of towards me......

So Dad, this is for you......



I wish I had known you then dad, when you was a young man of 19 and going off to war..... with your whole life lay out infront of you, was it the war that changed you dad?...... I wish I could of known the man that your were then, the one that I have been told, was oh so funny, and loved people and cared about everyone that was a part of your life....do you think thats where I get me fun side from dad?....do you think thats your legacy to me...... I know you knew love inside you then dad, cos the words on the back of this old photo that you sent to your mum, well, they speak volumes of the young man you were.......'To mum, hoping that you like this photo, please keep it safe in your heart, All my love... Reg xxxxx' - so I know dad that inside, you had a heart...... I so wish I had known you then dad.....

Even through all the beatings all the weeks of silences where you wouldnt even acknowledge my presence in a room, even through all those hours you shut me in the cupboard under the stairs, even through all those birthdays and christmases that you never said a kind word let alone bought me a present, even through all those birthdays and christmases of my brothers when I would sit quietly and watch my brothers open presents upon presents knowing there was nothing under the tree for me, even through all those times you would look at me with disgust and loathing, even through all the vile nasty words you spoke to me...... I LOVED YOU...... from a young age, I knew that you were angry, not with me, but with the world, or the circumstances you found yourself it...... but I loved you....... and I told you, and you never acknowledged a single word I spoke......

If I ever asked for anything, I would get a beating, so I stopped asking...... I know you wanted me to break down and beg and plead for you to stop beating me.... I know I was stubborn and I know that I use to stare you out, and never cry, I knew that made you angryer....... but, you were you Dad and you had your reason and I was me, and I could not allow you or anyone to take away my soul and spirit..... I knew that would walk me through life, so I clung to it, and you were not allowed to take it from me.....

I LOVE you dad for loving my sons the way that I would of loved to have been loved by you...... I love you for giving them memories of a kind man, a gentle man, a funny man, a grandad that I so needed you to be to my sons.......

I loved you when you let me back into you life, when my sons were younger, even though I know you were using me cos you were bored and growing old and felt alone.... I loved you when I knew all the nasty things you were saying behind my back to my brothers, you played us all against each other dad, for what means I will never know........ you distroyed a strong bond that we all had, we meaning me and our Paul who was 2 years older then me...... dad, I loved you even though I knew what you were trying to do.....



Remember this photo dad, my sons are laffing cos you were making them laff behind the camera...... they loved you Dad, so very much..... they not only loved you, they needed you......

You broke there hearts dad, the day you chose to no longer be apart of our lives again, you broke their hearts, but I would not let you break their souls...... but I thank you for the few short years when I was truely proud that you were my father and were their grandfather, even though I knew it was for your own gain......



See this picture dad, this was taken the day that you were being cremated in Scotland, we were not to be there, we were told that you didnt love us and it would be best not to attend....... siblings aye dad, they must of inherited the nasty side of you......... so this picture was taken just an hour after we sat in a tiny chapel in Cornwall, a tiny chapel clinging to the side of the cliffs, which now is quite apt, cos I had clung to the hope that you would love me all my life....... so we said our sad goodbyes to you there that day, at the same time that everyone else sat in a church in Scotland to say their goodbyes....... but ya see, it dont matter where those goodbyes were said, its how they were said and with how much love and feeling they were said, no matter how far away......... so we each, dad, Ben, Tom Sam and Jacob and me lit a candle for you and sat in this little chapel on our own and talked about you and the funny things you did with my boys..........and the love that we all had for you...... did you hear us dad...... could you hear our voices on the wind.....

I'll never tell them dad of the man you were towards me....... I will not break their hearts again like the day you broke their hearts by walking away from their lives....... they are great lads for knowing you as the fun grandad that had loved them if only for a short time......

So this picture was taken just an hour after we said our goodbyes....... dont they look sad......... and no, it was not cos I clippered there long hair to crewcuts lol.......

Just know dad that those 4 children, have grown to be the most wonderful sons, yeah, they have hiccups in life, and its not always easy.....life has given us so many challenges to face in life.......and we find ourselves alone again, just the 5 of us...... but ya know what I learnt from you dad......by being the opposite of you....... I learnt that it was better to face ones fears and work things out, instead of taking it out on others....... face the music they say..... and thats what we do..... we face it everyday dad, every single day, but ya know what, we face it together, hand in hand, as one..... we will NEVER let go of the love that we have towards each other......



Look at em, aint they just wonderful, its been a long hard road dad, and Im almost there, at the end........ and Ive done it through love and understanding, not beatings and vile words......

Dad, you would of loved these fine young men that my boys have become, and I know that they would of loved you.....think how more enriched they would of been in life if you had stayed a part of it.....think of the fun you would of had as you grew old and sick, think of the smiles and laughter my sons would have given you, think of all the love that you missed out on....... if only you had held out your hand, you know we would of taken it....... no matter what....

I would like to think deep down that you knew now much I loved you, even through all the horrendous things you did to me in life....... thank god, if there is one, that I had the strength not to crumble, not to fall and stay down, but to be proud of who I was and who I was to become....... ya see, no one will ever take my heart, my soul or my humour...... ever..... you couldnt....... you tried....... I was to strong for you......



All I have of you dad is that pair of glasses you are wearing lol...... oh and a few old photos...... and memories good and oh so bad..... but I hold on to the fact that life maybe dealt you a bad hand, and you didnt know or have the strength to deal with it in any other way then you did......

I miss you Dad, and through everything, I hold you close in my heart...... I wish you were here....... I miss and I love you Dad with all I have......

And when I look out to sea (all I know is that where my siblings scattered your ashes) I think of you Dad and what you so missed out of in life, and Im so sad for you, for the man that you couldnt be, for the love that you felt you didnt need.....

I know you cant read this dad..... I know you aint here..... but I can read it....and Im still here....

I LOVE YOU DAD - sleep sweet......HAPPY FATHERS DAY xx

ok..... way to much tear shedding twaddle for one day.....