Mrs Fix It Thats Me - Gag Gag Gag Gagging......

Ok.........I apologise in advance, and if you have a weak tummy DONT read.....you have been warned....

So I didnt go out this morning, except to do the school runs, I had me bookwork to sort.... so no amount of nagging from me maties would make me change me mind........ soooooo IT MUST OF BEEN FATE........ cos....

My Ben and Tom are on holiday in Spain, Jacob was at school and Sam was getting ready for college......he, Sam, was poncing around in the bathroom doing his hair, when I hear....... MUM, MUM, when I flush the loo it just fills up to the top with water, and now it wont go away........ so I shouts back up....... oh jebus, DONT flush it again, cos it will overflow......

So, I flushes the downstairs loo, and it fills up and doesnt go away......... PANIC..... oh jebus oh jebus....... me shouting..... Sam you had better get down here NOW...... but Im doing me hair.......... Sod ya hair, get down here NOW.........

By now panic had started to enter my brain, both loos full of water that means one thing........ the drain in the garden must be blocked...... oh no, oh no...... what to do, what to do...... so I rings me matie Sharon cos her hubby is a fireman, and they can sort out anything right?........ well he was not in, so me matie tells me to lift the drain cover and have a look inside and tell her whats what ........ so now to work out how to open the drain cover, first of all move ALL the huge pots of plants off the top that would help lol........ so with a little garden trowel and a screwdriver that I found under the sink (as you can tell we dont really have TOOLS), I managed to lift the cover........ HOLY SH*T.......... that is what presented itself to me LOL............. the drain was full up with *cough* not nice water lol and I could tell those floaters were NOT mine cos they was huge......... by now Im gagging, and I run back to the phone to report the find to Sharon me matie, who once told was laffing and laffing with the poo jokes......... well Mel they say Sh*t sticks and it looks like its your turn lol.......




Ok, Ok, Mel think, this is how my brain is ticking........ to ring Dyno-Rod the blocked drain people costs about $200 just to call them out..... no way...... I know, old Mr Foote that lives opposite he is old and has every tool one can imagine, I'll go ask him if he has a plunger thingie lol what I was gonna do with a plunger thingie I had no idea LOL

This is what old Mr Foote gave me........



Only old Mr Footes came in a faded shade of red...... he handed me them as I blank stared at him..... you just join them and shove it down the drainhole and wiggle around and it should unblock whatever it is blocking the drain..........you mean 'I' have to do this myself?........ so off I toddle back across the road, poles, or rods as Mr Foote called them in me arms, hoping that whoever had used them before had at least bleached them......

Ok, I can do this, so I pick the phone back up, cos me matie was on hold lol...... and she is by now laffing so much....... so I put the phone down, maties aye, where are they when ya up to ya neck in poo? LOL my last words to her were, wish me luck, Im going in....... lol

I can do this, right? Im a woman on me own, cos Sam was laffing and buggered off to college...... so I lock me back gate so the postman dont come wandering in with me mail while Im up to me eyes in poo, cos that would be well embarrassing lol.......

I got the screwie looking end and screwed it to a plain pole...... and with me rubber gloves on and a scarf tied around me face and me wellies on I proceed to poke and prod until the screwie bit disappear down a hole........ now did Mr Foote mean for me to wiggle or to wiggle the rods lol.......... oh well, to hell with it, I was gagging and wiggling for about 5 minutes when.......... hey presto.......... gurgle gurgle bubble bubble whooooooooshhhhhh, all water and floaties disappeared, now the trick was to try and get the rods out cos it seemed slightly stuck lol



This is what the drain looked like after I unblocked it lol gagging.......

Oh Lordy, why me....... I think I know why......... I think it was cos yesterday I made a joke to a matie on a blob about 'her plumbing' and someone sorting it out....... but I didnt mean 'plumbing' as plumbing but as in internal plumbing lol....... ok you wont understand that....... but today was a sign not to joke about things like that.......

Eventually I pulled and pulled and the rods came out with babywipes clogged on the end........ there was the culprits.......... bloody babywipes....... I keep telling me lads NOT to use babywipes down the loo...... phew....... sussed and sorted.......

So after 3 bottles of bleach down the drains and all inside loos flushed about 20 times, I THINK I have it done....... see, no need to call Dyno-rod.......

I scrubbed and scrubbed me hands even though they didnt come into contact with any floaters.......

Then I rang me matie Sharon back........ this is the conversation......

Me - Hey Sharon its me....

Sharon - Hello pooie... giggles, did you sort it?

Me - Well, I need some help.....

Sharon - I cant come round, I dont do poo...... and I aint got the car today.. so, why cant you sort it?

Me - Well, I shoved the stick things down the drain and it gurgled and all of a sudden all this dirty pooie water bubbles up over the top of the drain and is flowing under me neighbours gate.......

Sharon - OMG you are in deep sh*t now ...... giggles, high pitched laffs......

Me - Sharon this is NOT FUNNY..... they have our poo flowing under there back gate.....

Sharon - Just turn the hose on and it will dilute it LMFAO........

Oh she thought it very very funny......

Me - So, you cant come round and help........

Sharon - nope....... laffs giggles laffs....... I dont do floaters.....

Me - Well, you wait, just you wait until you are up to your eyes in poo...... dont ring me as a saviour lol

Sharon - you sussed and sorted it Mel didnt you......I always thought you would make a great sh*t shoveller...

Me - Yes, but Im gagging........

Sharon - You bitch, I was racking me brains trying to think who to ring to come round and help...... I thought about Gordon, but after the Eric problem I thought it best not to lol

Me - Sod off....... puts phone down.....

So, I replace the drain cover and scrub off the rods and scrub and scrub me hands..... I come back in the house to where I had left Sprite..... safe with stair gate etc so she couldnt escape, only to find her COVERED in....... something brown and stickie........... holy sh*t...... I had visions of her taking her dirty nappy off and thats what the stickie stuff was......... ya see...... I have such a cold that I have not only lost the hearing in one ear but I have lost me sense of smell....... so I had no clue as to what THIS STUFF was....... phew though....... she had only found one of the chocolate biscuits that one of the minded kids from yesterday must of dropped in one of the toy boxes lol........

So, alls well that ends well.......... if anyone needs there pipes flushed through lol just ring me........ if ya have a blockage, dont bend over, just ring me....... problems with poo overflowing from ya drains into ya neighbours..... DONT RING ME......

Why cant I just have one day, just ONE DAY where things dont go wrong..... where there is peace and calm in me life........ aye aye? gawds sake........ Im dreading the school run, cos the poo jokes will be bouncing lol......bloody maties......

To much dirty Twaddle for a Thursday....

PS..... what I forgot to mention was, after I put the phone down the first time, I pressed 1471 which automatically puts ya through to the last number that rang, so when it clicks on this is what I say.......... YOUR RIGHT, KNEE DEEP IN POO, FLOATERS EVERYWHERE......... when this little voice says........ I beg your pardon......... CRIPES... It had only rang the last number to ring my house, which was Sams friend, and it was his mum that got my message about the poo LMFAO........ shaking me head...... I really should wait for someone to answer before I blab me big mouth off lol - I just put the phone down....... maybe they wont know its me lol

x

PPS...... NO POO REALLY WENT UNDER THE GATE INTO MY NEIGHBOURS, IT WAS JUST SAID TO MY FRIEND TO MAKE HER FEEL GUILTY FOR LAFFING AT ME AND NOT RUSHING AROUND TO HELP ...... :) no poo or gates or gardens were injured in this story...... x