Thursday, 14 June 2007

Mrs Fix It Thats Me - Gag Gag Gag Gagging......

Ok.........I apologise in advance, and if you have a weak tummy DONT read.....you have been warned....

So I didnt go out this morning, except to do the school runs, I had me bookwork to sort.... so no amount of nagging from me maties would make me change me mind........ soooooo IT MUST OF BEEN FATE........ cos....

My Ben and Tom are on holiday in Spain, Jacob was at school and Sam was getting ready for college......he, Sam, was poncing around in the bathroom doing his hair, when I hear....... MUM, MUM, when I flush the loo it just fills up to the top with water, and now it wont go away........ so I shouts back up....... oh jebus, DONT flush it again, cos it will overflow......

So, I flushes the downstairs loo, and it fills up and doesnt go away......... PANIC..... oh jebus oh jebus....... me shouting..... Sam you had better get down here NOW...... but Im doing me hair.......... Sod ya hair, get down here NOW.........

By now panic had started to enter my brain, both loos full of water that means one thing........ the drain in the garden must be blocked...... oh no, oh no...... what to do, what to do...... so I rings me matie Sharon cos her hubby is a fireman, and they can sort out anything right?........ well he was not in, so me matie tells me to lift the drain cover and have a look inside and tell her whats what ........ so now to work out how to open the drain cover, first of all move ALL the huge pots of plants off the top that would help lol........ so with a little garden trowel and a screwdriver that I found under the sink (as you can tell we dont really have TOOLS), I managed to lift the cover........ HOLY SH*T.......... that is what presented itself to me LOL............. the drain was full up with *cough* not nice water lol and I could tell those floaters were NOT mine cos they was huge......... by now Im gagging, and I run back to the phone to report the find to Sharon me matie, who once told was laffing and laffing with the poo jokes......... well Mel they say Sh*t sticks and it looks like its your turn lol.......




Ok, Ok, Mel think, this is how my brain is ticking........ to ring Dyno-Rod the blocked drain people costs about $200 just to call them out..... no way...... I know, old Mr Foote that lives opposite he is old and has every tool one can imagine, I'll go ask him if he has a plunger thingie lol what I was gonna do with a plunger thingie I had no idea LOL

This is what old Mr Foote gave me........



Only old Mr Footes came in a faded shade of red...... he handed me them as I blank stared at him..... you just join them and shove it down the drainhole and wiggle around and it should unblock whatever it is blocking the drain..........you mean 'I' have to do this myself?........ so off I toddle back across the road, poles, or rods as Mr Foote called them in me arms, hoping that whoever had used them before had at least bleached them......

Ok, I can do this, so I pick the phone back up, cos me matie was on hold lol...... and she is by now laffing so much....... so I put the phone down, maties aye, where are they when ya up to ya neck in poo? LOL my last words to her were, wish me luck, Im going in....... lol

I can do this, right? Im a woman on me own, cos Sam was laffing and buggered off to college...... so I lock me back gate so the postman dont come wandering in with me mail while Im up to me eyes in poo, cos that would be well embarrassing lol.......

I got the screwie looking end and screwed it to a plain pole...... and with me rubber gloves on and a scarf tied around me face and me wellies on I proceed to poke and prod until the screwie bit disappear down a hole........ now did Mr Foote mean for me to wiggle or to wiggle the rods lol.......... oh well, to hell with it, I was gagging and wiggling for about 5 minutes when.......... hey presto.......... gurgle gurgle bubble bubble whooooooooshhhhhh, all water and floaties disappeared, now the trick was to try and get the rods out cos it seemed slightly stuck lol



This is what the drain looked like after I unblocked it lol gagging.......

Oh Lordy, why me....... I think I know why......... I think it was cos yesterday I made a joke to a matie on a blob about 'her plumbing' and someone sorting it out....... but I didnt mean 'plumbing' as plumbing but as in internal plumbing lol....... ok you wont understand that....... but today was a sign not to joke about things like that.......

Eventually I pulled and pulled and the rods came out with babywipes clogged on the end........ there was the culprits.......... bloody babywipes....... I keep telling me lads NOT to use babywipes down the loo...... phew....... sussed and sorted.......

So after 3 bottles of bleach down the drains and all inside loos flushed about 20 times, I THINK I have it done....... see, no need to call Dyno-rod.......

I scrubbed and scrubbed me hands even though they didnt come into contact with any floaters.......

Then I rang me matie Sharon back........ this is the conversation......

Me - Hey Sharon its me....

Sharon - Hello pooie... giggles, did you sort it?

Me - Well, I need some help.....

Sharon - I cant come round, I dont do poo...... and I aint got the car today.. so, why cant you sort it?

Me - Well, I shoved the stick things down the drain and it gurgled and all of a sudden all this dirty pooie water bubbles up over the top of the drain and is flowing under me neighbours gate.......

Sharon - OMG you are in deep sh*t now ...... giggles, high pitched laffs......

Me - Sharon this is NOT FUNNY..... they have our poo flowing under there back gate.....

Sharon - Just turn the hose on and it will dilute it LMFAO........

Oh she thought it very very funny......

Me - So, you cant come round and help........

Sharon - nope....... laffs giggles laffs....... I dont do floaters.....

Me - Well, you wait, just you wait until you are up to your eyes in poo...... dont ring me as a saviour lol

Sharon - you sussed and sorted it Mel didnt you......I always thought you would make a great sh*t shoveller...

Me - Yes, but Im gagging........

Sharon - You bitch, I was racking me brains trying to think who to ring to come round and help...... I thought about Gordon, but after the Eric problem I thought it best not to lol

Me - Sod off....... puts phone down.....

So, I replace the drain cover and scrub off the rods and scrub and scrub me hands..... I come back in the house to where I had left Sprite..... safe with stair gate etc so she couldnt escape, only to find her COVERED in....... something brown and stickie........... holy sh*t...... I had visions of her taking her dirty nappy off and thats what the stickie stuff was......... ya see...... I have such a cold that I have not only lost the hearing in one ear but I have lost me sense of smell....... so I had no clue as to what THIS STUFF was....... phew though....... she had only found one of the chocolate biscuits that one of the minded kids from yesterday must of dropped in one of the toy boxes lol........

So, alls well that ends well.......... if anyone needs there pipes flushed through lol just ring me........ if ya have a blockage, dont bend over, just ring me....... problems with poo overflowing from ya drains into ya neighbours..... DONT RING ME......

Why cant I just have one day, just ONE DAY where things dont go wrong..... where there is peace and calm in me life........ aye aye? gawds sake........ Im dreading the school run, cos the poo jokes will be bouncing lol......bloody maties......

To much dirty Twaddle for a Thursday....

PS..... what I forgot to mention was, after I put the phone down the first time, I pressed 1471 which automatically puts ya through to the last number that rang, so when it clicks on this is what I say.......... YOUR RIGHT, KNEE DEEP IN POO, FLOATERS EVERYWHERE......... when this little voice says........ I beg your pardon......... CRIPES... It had only rang the last number to ring my house, which was Sams friend, and it was his mum that got my message about the poo LMFAO........ shaking me head...... I really should wait for someone to answer before I blab me big mouth off lol - I just put the phone down....... maybe they wont know its me lol

x

PPS...... NO POO REALLY WENT UNDER THE GATE INTO MY NEIGHBOURS, IT WAS JUST SAID TO MY FRIEND TO MAKE HER FEEL GUILTY FOR LAFFING AT ME AND NOT RUSHING AROUND TO HELP ...... :) no poo or gates or gardens were injured in this story...... x

47 comments:

Queenie said...

I have 9 man holes in my garden, everyones waste goes through my garden, so this is a subject I'm very knowlegable about. They usaually play up just before I'm having a dinner party or BBQ, have invested in several rods as we break them quite often, being over keen to remedy the said problem. Have been quoted £2789 to have the said problem moved. I think you did very well and I know know who to call should such problem arise again!!!!!!

cookieboy said...

neck deep in poo and come out smelling likes roses! lol if you ever need something to do in your spare time mel....there ya go!

MarmiteToasty said...

~((((queenie))))~ well, if ya ever got a blockage then just give me a ring..... xxx

~((((((((((((((cookieboy))))))))))~ omgoodness, its really you :)...Ive been called a shit stirrer in me time lol, wanna go into the poo shovelling business together lol.. oh please please scroll back and have a read of other posts..... there are loads you need to catch up on :)... Am I pleased to see you here or what :).... xxxx

Akelamalu said...

Toilet humour, you can't beat it! :)

What's your telephone number just in case we have the same problem?

JBelle said...

Atta Girl, Mel! U can do anything! (I am a desperate addict. Of all kinds of wipes. Know how many baby wipes I put down the drain a day? Household surface wipes from Costco? eye make up remover wipe? sigh. My day is coming, for sure, and I do have your phone number....

Bugwit said...

You didn;t even cry for your mum! You aren't the Paris-Hilton type delicate girl I thought you were. ;-)

I am so impressed with you that I'd like you to come over and see what you can do with my leaking window sill.

I pay in red pepper spice!

melodyann said...

Oh Mel. You've really no idea how much you make me smile. Love ya blob.

Kati said...

ROFLMAO!!!!! Oh, poor Toasty!!!! I'm sorry you've had such a stinky morning!!!! Glad to hear that you were able to solve the problem without shelling out the money, though!!!

Mom not Mum said...

We live at the bottom of a cul-de-sac - yep you guessed it: all pipes lead to our back garden. Fortunately we've had no back-ups to date - but it's a rental and if that happens I'm OUT! lol

Yet another thing I won't miss when we go back to the states - the plumbing in the UK. hahahaha

toadman said...

Neighbors knee deep in a stream of poo from your yard? I say it serves 'em right, don't you?

ciara said...

(((mel slaggiest bagger)))floaters galore lmao i'm a bit like your matie sharon, i DON'T do floaters lol my arse would call somebody to do it. course looking at mom not mum's comment, we are better off in the plumbing department lol very funny bout sprite, thank goodness it was only chocolate. kinda reminds me of this movie 'caddyshack'. have u ever seen it? someone drops a candy bar into a swimming pool and everyone thinks it's a big floater...what's even more hilarious is that the 'jaws' theme is playing in the background lol

Ol' Lady said...

Sounds like you had a bit of a shitty day :o

headless chicken said...

OH MY GOD!!!
Was really looking forward to reading your latest post but I just can't do it. I have toilet related issues (phobic - germs!)so I just can't do it. Please no more poo-posts!Ha ha poo-posts,I do mean posts about poo of course - your'e posts are really funny,definately not poo!!!:)

Dr.John said...

The only problem with your posts is they are so long they take forever to read. I enjoyed this entry because it reminded me of when my kids were little. One day they would flush the toilet and run to look down the basement stairs then giggle. They did this three or four times and I couldn't stand it so I went to see what was so funny> well the drain to the street had closed so when you flushed the water came up through the basement drain as a fountain> i ended that in a hurry.

Melody Ann said...

Don't listen to the good Doctor. The longer, the better- bring 'em on!!

ciara said...

is cookieboy the cookieboy from 'the gloomies'? lol

the psycho therapist said...

See...I knew what "plumbing" you were referring to...don't play "as if" with me, young Miss.

And yes, it probably was some kind of "sign" 'cause ya know how we interpret the Universe, oi?

(wink)

I love you despite all the shit, heh heh heh.

--

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((ake)))~ it just shows that anything can be sussed and sorted out :).... xx

~(((((((JBelle))))))))~ well Ive always been good with a 'shitty life' so this was a doddle :)....xxxxx

~(((Bugs))))~ me mum is dead :) and no I wouldnt of even cried for her if she had not been 'dust' ;) - me, leaky windowsill, I'll fly in on Saturdee :)....xxxx

~(((melodyann)))~ first of all 'welcome' well chufted ya here, and second, its well funny typing ya name cos my name is also Melody Anne :).... glad I made ya smile lol.... xxx

~(((kati)))~ well, I will ave a go at almost anything lol does that make me a cheapskate or what? :)....xxxx

~((((monNmum)))~ hang on one cotton picking minute, Ive seen the plumbing in the states and it was not a pretty sight lol..... and you should see the plumbing in Cyprus, ya cant even put bog roll down the loo.... now that WAS gross lol.....xxx

~(((((Toadie))))~ it didnt really flood under me neighbours gate, I just said that to make me friend feel guilty for laffing....... it all stayed in the drain :)..... thank goodness, cos I dont do poo...... :), did you read the bit on Dingleberries and my comment about the dog poo LOL :).....xxxxxxx

~(((((((Ciara CA Slapper bitch))))~ well I refused to pay someone for something that I can have a go at meself :)...... and YEP its the Gloomies Cookieboy :)... mega chufted he came over.... and I nearly poo'd me pants when I saw the state of Sprite, me stunk out brain just couldnt work out how she was all stickie and brown lol.....xxxxxx

~(((((ol' lady)))~ so whats new with that lol...... sounds like a typical day here :).....xxxxx

~((((headless chicken))))~ it was all I could do to type it lol....... I couldnt make up me mind whether to share or not :).....xxxx

~(((dr John)))~ welcome...... sorry ya find them long lol but me, well, I could much more, I try and keep them short, but me fingers just keep on typing whats in me head :)...... bog flush the little bleeders, thats what you should of done, that would of stopped them lol.......xxx

~(((melodyann)))~ me, :), I dont even listen to the voices in me head, so I aint gonna listen to no Dr LOL....... well, not without seeing his certificate.....xxxx

~(((Slaggy ciara)))~ yep yep yep :) xx

~(((((Wendy))))~ I KNEW you knew what I meant LMFAO..... but this definetly was a sign to shut me big mouth lol....... and I love you inspite of those depends you wear cos of ya leaking plumbing :)...... xxxxxxxx

Dan said...

I have a strong stomach, so I read it. I think I'll skip breakfast today. :)

MarmiteToasty said...

~~(((Dan)))~ :) I'd go ahead and have ya breakfast, just dont pump for the sausages or any cereal that floats on top of the milk lol......fanks for popping over....xx

The Fool said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Fool said...

Well, well, well, M-Toasty, you are a woman of many talents. Ever consider an outhouse? When things go bad, you just fill in the hole, dig a new one, and move the loo. I'm glad you managed...but what an experience. Frozen pipes are a theme of some households up here...but I've been lucky (knock on wood). I'd much rather handle the internal plumbing necessities.

:)

Kati said...

Not a cheapskate, just self-sufficent & very brave!!! And rather knowledgable as well, considering one only gains experience through trial & error!

MarmiteToasty said...

~((((Foolie))))~ we build right proper hole dug dunnies when on camp with our scouts....

Well not all of us have an option of internal plumbing fixers LOL ;)....

I think Ive found me true vocation in life...... a shit shoveller lol....

its like that song.....

my fathers a lavatory cleaner.
he works all the day in the pit.
and when he comes home in the evening.
he's covered all over in........

sssshhhhhhhhhhhine your buttons with brasso, its only 3 halfpenny a tin, you can buy it or nick it from woolies, thats if they have got any in.....

some say that he died of a fever,
some say that he died of a fit,
but I know what my daddy died of,
he died of the great smell of....

Ssssssshhhhhhhine your buttons with brasso........

and so it goes on and on :)

x

~(((kati)))~ well, I'll ave a go at most things and believe me, the poo unplugging was definetly trial and error LOL......

x

ciara said...

~~waving hi to cookieboy~~it's me ciara, from the gloomies, just don't tell anyone from there that i am here, k? lol

JBelle said...

Guess what I bought from the guy down the hall who was moving out???

susan said...

Mel, I bet you could handle most anything you set your mind to. I bet people pay alot of money to people who don't mind unstopping their nasty drains. Was this fate telling you something???? Huh???????

Bugwit said...

Well, come on over! When I get done with this it will probably cost more than a round-trip ticket to World's End anyway.

Side Note said...

This made me smile though I must admit I got a bit misty reading the birthday post before it. (BTW, in some third-world countries human poo is used to fertilize the vegetable garden.)

fatty said...

i was about to panic when i started reading about sprite... whew.. lol
and of course it had to have been a chocolate cookie on a day like that.. it's how life works isn't it..
you're a brave brave woman...

The Woman said...

BWAHAHA... Sorry... Couldn't help myself! Next time, let me know... Me and my plastic coat hanger will hop a plane! ;o)

MarmiteToasty said...

~((((Slaggy ciara)))~ no fiddling with the commenters please LOL.....xxxx

~(((JBelle)))~ drain rods? - I asked MrFoote yesterday when I returned the poo sticks, if he would leave them to me in his will, cos after all, he is getting on a bit in life and he aint to well, and he said 'sure'..... he better bloody rememeber.....

Not like me matie Tina that died a few years ago, the day before she died, I told her that she had promised me for years the secret recipe to her most famous chocolate cake, so I said to her, that before she snuffs it, could she please write the recipe down...... omg she laffed and laffed, and said, 'Mel, you come here as Im dying and ask for me recipe, I love you for that, for just being YOU, where everyone else has tiptoed around me'....... but the daft cow died before she had time to write it down, now that is well selfish.......xxxx

~(((((Susan))))~ I DONT want no job as a shit shoveller lol..... fank you very much....... and I try anything..... sometimes one has no choice ;).....xxxxxxx

~((((Bugs)))~ just take a sledgehammer to it and buy a new one lol....xx

~((((SideNote))))~ dont get all misted up, cos you will start me off lol..... and I read about human poo, BUT no fanks :)...... glad ya still sticking around, I thought I had lost ya......xxxxx

~((((((fatty)))))~ I will tell ya the story oneday about Bebhinn and the Ginger Nuts LOL...... oh ginger nuts are biscuits...gawds sake.... yeah brave and gagging...... xxxxx

~(((((the woman))))~ to be honest I did try the old coat hanger trick down the downstairs loo, but 2 snapped off and it didnt work lol......I can tell you, I was NOT laffing :)....xxxx

Side Note said...

Oh no, this is like required reading in my book. It sometimes just leaves me speechless.

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((SideNote)))~ speechless? in a good or a bad way? I never try or intentionally mean to offend anyone......hope I havent offended you.....please explain 'speechless'...xxxxx

cookieboy said...

((((((Mel)))))) you make me glad i came! i'll read em all cutie!

and *****waving to ciara13**** hi!

Catch said...

Mel your sense of humore will get you through anything!!!! Just keep laughing Sweety!!! I can just see you now!! Laughing all the while! Its the only way to be Mel! Hugs

JBelle said...

Girl, I dunno if we have drain rods here. I guess if I had to, I'd call Roto Rooter. I guess.

No, it's not drain rods. But when I schlepped it down the hall and hoisted in onto my conference table, a woman who works in our office and APPARENTLY BLURKS HERE, *YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE* said "Are you sending that to England to the Toast Woman?

I said hell no. this is for me. (insert wildly devilish grin here and punctuate with a little snort)

Jennifer said...

ROFL...that is hilarious! I feel bad for you but am proud you stuck it out through the stink!!
You came up smellin' like roses, I'm sure. I got real wide eyed when you said sprite was in brown...thankgoodness, it was just chocolate! LOL

Lynn said...

I love a good poo story, Mel. I'm one of those people you hear about who laughs at 'bathroom humor'. Can't help it. It's funny.

I must say though, I am disappointed that none of the poo actually went under the gate and over to the twat neighbors.

OrdinaryShark said...

Will the next post be about a poo-poo platter?
An excellent rendering of the tale, thank you ever so much.

raymond pert said...

Thought you might this Aussie's poem's on the subject of shit!

Shit Poem
by JAS H. DUKE

I'm in the shit business
I work for the sewerage depatment
I analyse experiments
I draw graphs and flow charts
and conclusions
today I was sitting at my desk
trying to explain
the dissolved air flotation process
where streams of little bubbles are released
into a tank full of sewerage
to float the suspended solids up to the surface
to be skimmed off
but what I was really thinking about
was lunchtime
the canteen cook
caters to the ethnic multitudes
by putting on Italian eats most days
I was thinking of ravioli
with meat sauce
but I was writing things like
"The sludge produced by this process
is grey-brown in colour
and does not produce
offensive odours
provided anaerobic conditions
can be prevented"
the sludge is really composed of
my used ravioli
and the Boss's used steak
and your used hamburger
and the vegetarian's used brown rice
all mixed up together
and when it gets in this state
no one wants to know about it
except me
I don't find shit offensive
most people do
they can'y wait to push the button
or pull the chain or something
and then they think the shit has vanished
into the centre of the earth
it hasn't really
it just floats up somewhere else
However
it's all biodegradable
I reckon most people think
that shit is the most deadly poison
on the face of the earth
they'd rather face ten tons of plutonium
than half a bucket of shit
even their own
no curse in the English Language
is complete
without "shit" included in it somwhere
lunchtime arrived
I ate my ravioli
I had a shit
it was brown in colour
I felt a lot better

MarmiteToasty said...

NOT really apt for a poo post, but Pinehurst asked for the recipe of the chocolate cake from the previous post.......

Bake a double chocolate cake, I make 2 cakes in 2 loaf tins and put them side by side to make one big square cake :) - double chocolate means a choc cake with bits of chocolate in the mix as well as the actual choc cake :)...

shopping list for the rest....

A HUGE bar of decent milk chocolate, like galaxy, NOT that Hershie rubbish, yuk...

A smaller bar of decent white chocolate...

A packet of Malteasers (malt balls)..

A packet of Aero minty balls...

A packet of white chocolate buttons....

A tube of smarties...

a Packet of white malteasers and anything else that is self indulgent and scrummie :)......

And a punnet of fresh strawberries.....

Place the cakes side by side to make on square cake....

Melt the HUGE bar of milk chocolate and Ooooooze all over the top of the cake..... before it sets, halve the strawberries and stick in the melted chocolate, whilst licking out the melted choc bowl and stuffing strawberries into ones mouth...

From a great height drop the mixed sweeties onto the cake and watch them get stuck in the chocolate, throwing them across the kitchen as target practise is great fun..... and of course eating all the ones that fall off the cake or those that miss the target...

melt the white chocolate and drizzle over the rest of the very healthy (cos of the strawberries) cake..... while eating the extra packet of malteasers that one bought as a stand by......

lick the bowl of the white melted chocolate, whilst shoving a few candles into the gooey mess, place in the fridge to harden for 15 minutes.....

scrap the chocolate off the shelves of the fridge where the setting chocolate has ooozes off the side of the cake and dripped off the plate.......

Watch as all birthday party goers eat the cake within 5 minutes..... and be proud that one remembered to cut a slice off and hide before presenting to the crowds :)..... enjoy..... xxxxxxxx

Side Note said...

Speechless in a good way like I have to think of something good enough to say because that was really good.

E.H. said...

A high school friend's father was in the septic tank cleaning business. He gave me one of his dad's cards that read, "Your Shit Is My Bread And Butter." I loved that card.

InlandEmpireGirl said...

Wow... great post plus a poem sent by my brother and a great recipe too. It doesn't get better than this!

MarmiteToasty said...

((((((((Starr))))))))))) LOL@that card...... wonderful...... xxxxx

~(((inlandempiregirl)))~ yeah that recipe is sure to give ya the squirts lol apt for this post, and what a great poem from your bruv :)...xxxx

MarmiteToasty said...

~(((SideNote)))~ whatever you have to say is special....... every single word......xxx