I Sometimes Wonder What..............

Ok.......... This is probably me most favourite photo that I have in my possession......Thats my Jacob on the left when he was 4 and thats me mad matie Moira's girl Bebhinn (pronounced Bevin its irish).......they were born only 2 weeks apart....



I love this photo so very very much......

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be looked at with such love......I think, I would hope, that I give out love to special people in me life by the bucket load, and its not given lightly....what I mean by that is when I say those words 'I love you' to whomever, it truely, purely, honestly means that I do..... and with those words comes the undeniable fact that I would just about do anything for the person that I give those words to.......

BUT......... I have NEVER in me whole long life, ever been looked at like Bebhinn is looking at my Jacob...... not with pure love, not with honest deep love...... maybe I never will...... who knows.......

So, what bought this all on...... well, ya see, my brain has so many memories stored about in files..... me brain is like a photo album stuffed full of me life and every single thing that has ever happened..... but like a bookcase full of books sometimes I need a 'jog' to remember things and what shelf they are stored on...... a word over heard can flash up memories from me head and lay them out before me on the table, things that seems as if only yesterday that memory was stored on the 2nd shelf....

So it was strange today, or this past few days, PTs funny posts about Marmitetoasty and love and then someone at school this afternoon called out to someone and I overheard the name Moira.... well its not a common name here, this aint Ireland ya know..... and I had this big whoooosh of memory, good memory, sad tearful memory, a memory as clear and crisp as fresh lettuce...... a memory of me dear matie mad Moira... so I came home and had to hunt for a few photos to go with those memories......

So thanks PT cos I think the things we have talked about and the memory jog today are connected....... ya see, love comes in many forms....... love from and of ones children, love of ones specal maties and hopefully love oneday of someone that will look at me the same way that Bebhinn is looking at my Jacob...... ya see...... one day me prince will come.......LOL

Anyways........ Bebhinn is the daughter of me matie mad Moira, the story of me matie is way to complex and complicated to post about...... suffice to say, we didnt know each other until our second children were born...... she has 4 kids almost the same ages as my boys..... except I have 4 boys and she has 3 boys and 1 girl..... our gardens use to back onto each other, the 4 children were like one, if they was not all at my house then they would all be at mad Moira's...... Ive never had a mad friend before...... I mean a real mad as in mental friend, as in she was diagnosed with some manic mental thing from when she was 12........ but in many ways it didnt affect her life UNTIL...... her hubby walked out and left her with her 4 kids about 6 months before my hubby walked out and left me with 4 kids LOL...... maybe it was a trend...... maybe it was the fashion of the time....... it was weird cos mad moira was married on the same day and the same year and at the same time as me and my X hubby..... except she was in London and I was here in this village....... we were still 4 or 5 years within meeting each other...... maybe it was fate, maybe it was a sign at just how strong and close and wonderful our friendship was to become......

Me matie was an amazing Art Teacher, but when she was left she completely lost the plot of life and all the wonders it still had in its hands for her........ she became lost in a world that I so couldnt understand, all I could do was to be there for her....... as I will be forever......



This day was so funny, Bebhinn and Jacob had got into Moira's shed and the tins of paint and they came to show me what they had been up to LMFAO...... I remember saying to Moira...... just tell me it aint gloss paint, please tell me its just emulsion lol...... I love this photo...... love it.....

Ya see....... I myself was struggling with the emotions and financial problems of 4 children and being dumped on the shitpile of life called single parenthood...... and when me matie Moira lost the plot of life by becoming a big drug taker to try and take away the pain........ she sold her house, the only stable bit of life her 4 kids had, and they were to be taken into care by the social services...... I asked her what she wanted to do.... what SHE wanted for herself to do........ she said she just needed time on her own....... time to sort out her life...... time to get to grips with everything over the years of madness........ she said she didnt want the children........ she couldnt cope....... she didnt wanna cope....... she said she wasnt me..... she couldnt bounce high enough......

There is no way in hells water that I would let these children, that were in fact just an extention of my family go into care....... so, we packed their clothes and bits and bobs and they all moved in with me and my 4 sons....... after all..... they was all like brothes and sister anyways, there had been inseperatable for years...... they were as one........ and 8 kids is just like having 4 kids, right? LOL



This was one spring day in me garden..... the feeding of the 5 thousand lol..... the friend on the far left that had come round for lunch didnt know what had hit him as these 8 children acted as one LOL.......

So, within 6 months of me trying to cope with my own rejection, I took on these 4 beautiful wonderful children that had always seemed a part of me life...... there is no way I would of let them go into care, not whilst there was breath in me body.......



You can see how close the children all were, people use to think I had 8 kids lol...... which bit of '4 of the kids were of a slightly darker colour' didnt they see lol....ya see, their father was anglo-indian......and Moira's kids had the most beautiful olive skin.... which got ligher with each child....we use to joke and say that her hubbys ink must of been running out by the 4th child LOL....... my Ben is missing from this picture cos he was on a school trip......

So....... me matie moved into a little flat overlooking the Itchen Toll Bridge as she struggled with her addiction and her mental illness...... and she would come and stay some weekends and I would go there and stay some weekends......

One night, I think it was the last night that I ever got truely rat-arsed...... remember now, I was raising 8 kids under the age of 16 on me own emotionally and financially...... ok so I deserved a drink lol...... well we got so rat-arsed that we decided that we could easily walk along the parapit of the Itchen Toll Bridge at Southampton, 30 foot above the raging river lol....... how we didnt die that night I will NEVER know, one slip and we would of plunged into the depths of the river lol..... that night we laffed and cried and laffed and remembered so very much fun and laughter we use to have with the kids....... and it was, I thought a turning point for me matie........

She bought a house in Southampton and realised that selling her home here in the village was a mistake, but she was ready to start afresh....... there is NOTHING I wouldnt of done for me matie and her children and there was NOTHING that she wouldnt of done for us.......

She then met a blokie and buggered off to Australia for 18 months taking the children with her....... it was to be the loneliest period of me life.... but I was so happy for her and the kids...... there was so many tears at the airport when I waved goodbye to them all....... and so many hugs and tears when 18 months later they came home......

But within a year, her depression had come back and she again lost the plot of life, she didnt wanna be a mum no more, she said dads just up and leave why cant mums just up and leave........ and that is what she did........ she packed her kids up and turned up at her X's house (whom had remarried and had a tiny little house with this woman and her 2 kids and a child they had between them) and she dropped the kids off at their fathers and said she was off to Australia to start on her own........not with the boyfriend.....she said I was mad for wanting to stick with a life of struggle and kid raising........ oh how wrong she was on that one.......

She said, she was not like me, she couldnt be what her kids needed, she didnt wanna be the one to struggle and cope and explain and couldnt cope with the pain....... and she upped and left...... without a backwards glance......

UNTIL last year, when I got home from the school run, she was sitting in me kitchen with a sarnie and a cuppa tea....... just as if 2 years had faded away....... and it was just as if it was the week before that I had seen her....... that is how close and special our deep true friendship was...... she knew, that I would ALWAYS be there for her, no matter how many years slipped away...... no matter if I hadnt heard from her for over 2 years...... no matter what.......

She stayed just over a week, the kids all came over and it was like old times only the kids were all so much older and bigger etc....... we laffed and cried and laffed and laffed......... and then I got up one morning and she was gone...... just a little note.......

I LOVE you Mel...... fanks for being you.......

I dont know if I will ever see me matie again...... I dont even know if she is alive..... or where she is living....... but I do know, that when she needs a friend, or a hand, or someone that understands..... she will turn up and be sitting in me kitchen with a sarnie and a cuppa tea when I come in from the school run......

That is a lifetime friendship........ I hope she is safe, I hope she is alive, I hope that oneday she finds what she needs from life, and I hope that oneday I can be apart of that madness again LOL.....

I miss me matie mad Moira....... and her kids...... she was not the only one robbed that day when she walked out of everyones lives......

Now, I DONT want you lot to think that Im a softie or whatever....... cos I aint...... and I have a 'well ard' reputation to uphold....... so keep all this under ya belt, ok?

Enough memory Twaddle for a wet Tuesday.......

x