Gutted and Scared Shitless.....

Ok, some people might of realised Ive been a bit aloof of late, thats aloof and not a loufa lol..... except my brain has been like a loufa all spongey....

Its just Ive had much on me mind and the load on my shoulders sometimes gets heavy.... I cant be everyones net, no matter how hard I try...and jebus knows I try to be there for everyone of me maties....

Anyways, those that know me or have been reading this boring Twaddle will know that last year I had major knee surgery, buggered up the cartlidge completely through playing football and had to have a complete knee replacement....

If ya bored on this Sunday you can read about it... part 1 here and a bit more very graffic photos here and if that aint made ya puke ya guts up, you can read a little more funny stuff here and the last bit conclusion here

I documented everything so one day me lads might get a view into what I went through...and how hard I struggle to keep the house ticking over and maybe just how strong a person I was, so that in their future when times are tough they might remember this and think, they can do anything..

So..... things didnt go according to plan right, infections after infections, talk of loosing me leg, which thankfully that so didnt happen, but right painful physio 3 times a week for about 8 months... well we all know it threw this usually sane strong ME into a tail spin and for a bit I went into this dark hole.... and that was scarey, also through all my problems I lost a couple of what I thought were good friends.... that hurt more then the pain and shit I went through....oh well.....



Aint this just the bestest photo... the photos in the link are from my own camera, I took me camera into theatre with me and cos I was semi awake during the op, I asked for one of the team of 7 to take photos lol.... dont know if I will take me camera into hopital this time, I just wanna get in and out withint a few days...keep me head down and not talk to anyone....

Me consultant promised me me life back, back to hiking on the Southdowns and camping with our amazing village scout group and I know he couldnt promise me me football and tchoukball sports back, or sking or marathons (not that I do either of the last 2 lol) I just wanted to be able to do the hiking and stumbling around in the woods and rivers with the school survival camps etc....

Well it did go tits up, and me left knee will never be the same.... its not as good as I would like but compared to how it was then it will do me just fine, it just dont bend back as far as I like so kneeling will always be a bit of a problem, but Im still working on it and slowly Im getting there....and even though the swelling is still there a little, they say it can take 2 years.... but I didnt let it beat me....

Until..... back in November I was hobbling on me dodgy rebuilt knee down the garden early one morning to let the chickens out, when I stumbled on the uneven ground, I still wasnt to good on wobbly ground, as I stumbled I put me good right leg out to steady meself and to stop meself falling on me arse in the mud.... as I did that I had such a sharp pain shoot up me good leg, bugger I though, Ive pulled a muscle or heaven forbid Ive torn me acl or another ligiment.....

I thought it would pass and that whatever it was would sort itself out, but as the weeks went by I realised the pain was not going anywhere and that I had maybe done something a little more then pulled a muscle...but I have a very high pain threshold so I just got on with it as best I could, knowing I had me consultant in April....

So me replaced knee was getting better and NO LIMP (that was my fear) but I was hobbling on what was me good right leg lmfao.....

I saw me consultant a few weeks ago, he was fairly happy in a not so happy way about the left knee he had done the replacement on (remembing I had been back into hospital 2 more times with it having it reopened and fiddled with lol)... so I mentioned me good leg and the pain in me knee and said I thought I might of pulled something.....

Ya see 5 yearas ago I snapped both me acl and me pcl playing football, I use to play proper when younger in a team that travelled Europe and this country, it was the best years of me life and I wouldnt swap them for anything.... so I was badgered into playing in a charity football match 5 years ago.... well in scoring a 20 yrd goal I turned in my victory salute and me foot stayed planted in the mud and me knee twisted and just snapped both me acl and me pcl.... so eventually I had reconstructed surgery on them lol they took me hamstring and drilled holes in me bones and used the hamstring like an elastic band and screwed and plated it into place.... it took yonks to heal and for me to be able to get back into sports.... but heal it did.....



These are the screws in me good knee, this is not my Xray but one from a different acl reconstruction, mine has a tiny plate in it with the screws... but it gives you the idea who what he has to dig out lol before he can do the main surgery...

So, me consultant does all these acl tests by pulling and shoving me knee much to me almost screams LOL.... but he said the acl was still intact, so he sent me round the corner for an Xray....

I went back to his room to face not smiling faces, sit Mel he said..... you my dear must be one of the most unluckiest patients Ive had for a long time... ya aint resnapped ya acl what ya did when ya put ya good leg out to steady yaself is this.... it must of been at a strange angle cos the cartlidge has shot out and is lodged in about 8 bits behind you kneecap and your main bones are sitting on each other, technically you shouldnt be able to even bend you knee, you really do have a high pain threashold.... but cos of that the bones have worn and I have no choice but to repeat a complete knee replacement on what was ya good leg..... NOW this week if possible.....

Well the shock of it put me in floods of tears and I DONT do tears often.... how could this be happening to me, after the shit year I had with the other one....

He said, Mel, listen, we will rebuild you, ya just unlucky this time..... I told him to keep his empty promises cos I had heard empty promises all me life....well I also told him I couldnt go in NOW cos I have much to organise and my Jacob will be in the middle of his major school exams until the end of June.... so he said with much unhappiness that he will put me down for surgery then.... he said this one will be a little more difficult cos he has to dig the screws and the little plate out from me acl reconstruction and then take a bit of hip bone for a graft to plug the holes before he can get the cutting gear on me knee...... oh fucking joy....

Only, the week before last I got a letter from him saying that I really cant put it off any more and that he really needed me in asap, and he gave me the date of 1 June.... thats next Monday.... thats tomorrow.....

My boy will be in the middle of his exams and could really do with me here, but on the other hand me consultant is quite addiment that he wants me in NOW....

So...... mixed emotions...... the fear has kicked in big time, cos of all the shit from the last one, not just physically but emotionally and mentally..... not having anyone here that really cares except me lads is hard.... no hand to hold, not even a hug to go into hospital with.... so the lonieless thoughts are well and truely with me today.... and I dont know if I actually have the strength to go through again all that I went through last year... Im so use to hobbling around I dont know what walking or hiking proper is.... I always make the best of a bad thing and except for the excrusiating pain and the total knackeredness, I sort of am use to living this way....



Of course it dont help to read this on me consent form... DEATH... I asked me consultant who will is me surgeon not to let me die, Im all me lads have... he said, it aint guaranteed but he will try his dammest not to let that happen said he aint lost one yet... oh joy..

Again the question of being self employed, I wont get any help financially whilst Im off work so as much as me consultant has said NO WORK FOR at least 8-10 weeks this time and has written me a sick certificate for 6 weeks and a pre-dated one for another 6 weeks, they aint really worth the paper they are written on.......

I rang the benefits office to see if there was any help I could expect whilst I was out of work and recuping.... $80 a week she said lol so I asked if it would help if I was a 'black jewish lesbian with 5 kids and no thought of working in the future' she said she didnt find that comment funny.... I told her I was not joking and if it would help my cause then I become one....

Anyways suffice to say I told them to shove it up their arse and I will sort it meself....... so, unlike me maties when they are sick or unable to work, not that any of them have had major surgery, I will HAVE to drag myself back to work after 3 weeks no matter how much pain or how shit I feel, its different for me maties they have big families around to help and working hubbies to take the strain financially for a few months...... me well, I'll have my Sam and Jacob here LOL so it will be up to me to get back to work no matter what me consultant says...he aint gonna pay me mortgage or bills is he... he aint wearing my shoes, but it means I wont be able to recover proper or rest or recup..... fuck it aye, the story of me life..... aint had anyone before that gave a dam, so dont know why I thought I would have it now lol....

So, Im the most frightened I have even been in me life, cos I know what was what from last time, and as much as I try to stay positive thinking it wont go tits up again, this is me we are talking about and life always smacks me in the face with all its got...... I must of been one hell of a bad kid to have this life I have....

And cos of a comment left on Twaddle a few months back by a commenter that I thought was a friend, Ive found it very difficult to share my fears with anyone but a couple of people.... sometimes harsh misdirected words to another person, such as towards me, can have a devastating affect, it meant I kept this news and problems to meself.... cos I didnt wanna seem needy......

Also with me matie fighting her illness, mine in comparison is nuffin.... so Ive carried that guilt also.....

Anyways I could go on and on about this, but its hard to type through the tears.... just feel so alone with this again.......

Im driving meself to the hospital tomorrow for 7am.... I'll leave me car there and figure out how to get me and the car home when they release me....I didnt wanna make a fuss with me maties as to how to get there, they are already having me minded nippers for me....... and cos again of those harsh words from a commenter I feel I should just do this all on me own...... me consultant said cos of what happened before and how I dont do to well with surgery, he wants to keep me in for 10 days....... I told him to shove that and I need to be out by the weekend, cos its also my Jacobs birthday on the 10th.... so we will see, as soon as Im on crutches Im out of there.... need to be here for my Jacob.... got others and responsibilities to put first before meself....

I also have me NVW3 assessment on the 9th and an appointment with a solicitor on the 11th about me tosser X, Ive had the last broken rib off of him....... thats all great aye after major surgery a week before LOL....so you see I need to be out by the weekend...dont know how Im gonna get home or get me car home yet lol Ive been practising driving me car using me left leg this week instead of me what will be me operationed leg...... nearly went into the back of 2 cars and mounted the pavement LOL so I will have to play driving me car home straight after surgery by ear LOL...

So, I wont be around for a while...if at all....maybe this is a good closing point for Twaddle.... Ive put to much of my inner self on these pages over the last 2 years and Im usually a very private person....we'll see........ its all a load of bollocks anyways...........

I have much to do and still to organise.... need to fill the fridge and freezer for Sam and Jacob and sort the house and washing out and the garden....

But on a lighter note, it would of been me mums 83rd birthday today.... Im said all I came about me mum before here and there aint really anything to say about me mum, except I wish it had been different, maybe I wouldnt feel so lonely and unloved now LOL

So a few photos to finish with, as a treat, if you have read down this far with this boring post....



me strawberry plants, we decided to put them in a hanging basket this year lol



My boys at our Toms engagement Party last December.... thats my Jacob on the left, then Sam, Tom and Ben.... Jacob and Toms hair is shorter now..



My Janet that I love beyond measure LMFAO daft cow that I am..



Yesterday whilst in me garden cutting the grass and watering all me hanging baskets and tubs and seedings.... I took this photo thinking...... I really shouldnt of electrical cables for the mower and me hose so close together lol

Ok, Im just rambling here now....... so I will go with my fears and tears and loneliness and try and get all that I need to do done today....

And if anyone wants to come over to hold me hand and stay for a week so I can sleep LOl then you only have til 6.30am tomorrow morning to get here lol....

So Im gutted and scared shitless...

Be safe maties..... know you are loved...

x