Dear Sweet Little Gnome RIP....

Ok............ Been a busy busy week this week, and Im well knackered....... so could of done without a meeting today...... so many new OFSTED rules and regulations to go over..... bloody hell and gawds sake.......

Anyways..... So cos I have the biggest car, Im always the one that has to pick everyone else up for meetings etc...... but today I was a tad late on the pick up cos I was having it out with PT on her blob..... so I quickly shove the kids in the car.... thats scabbie jack, just jack, sprite, and snotty Rhys... and nip round to get me matie Ann...... so I says to her, where are we suppose to be having this meeting........ and she says ........ oh at Julia's house....... with that she just burst out laffing and laffing which started me off well bad....... I just turned to her and said........ cripes, do you remember....... and she said OMG OMG I dont think we should go.........

Ok, this will bore anyone to death, but, does it look like Im bovvered...... we was laffing cos we BOTH had a flashback to about 2 years ago........ and if me matie Sharon had been in the car today, I think we would of given the meeting a miss and just gone up the pub, kids and all........

Two years ago almost to the week, we had another meeting at this persons house, and as usual me and me maties was running late...... anyways......... this house is down a dead end road and the parking is well bad.... so I puts me foot down and weave in and out of all the parked cars like some loon.......and there in me vision at the end of the dead end is Julia's house, you must understand this woman is well posh, not just that but she is well boring and a right stick in the mud, and if Im honest I dont think she likes me much lol...... maybe its cos I asked her once if she was actually a registered midget cos she is well short...... it was an honest mistake......

cripes off track again........... so there is Julias house, bloody cars everywhere, Ann is moaning cos we are late and Sharon is moaning cos there is no where to park........ so I says..... shall I just double park and sod em..... no no they shout.... ok, I'll just park across someones drive and if they need to get in they can come knock and ask me to move......

You see, my car is KNOWN in this village by me trademark thing in the back window.. its been in me car for 16 years now......... its a life size screaming baby with a wide open mouth and arms in the air...... :) ......anyways...... so I says, there aint nowhere to park....... so Sharon says (which I later found out was just a joke, but at the time of being late and not thinking right, I thought she was serious)... JUST PARK ON JULIA'S FRONT LAWN......... *giggling as I type this* ...........

OK, I says, and with that I mount the kerb, drive over the pavement, across Julias spring flower border across her lawn......... and skid to a halt about a foot from her front window......... :) there I say....... PARKED........ we are so laffing, you bloody loon sharons says..... laffing so hard I really think she wet her pants...... Ann is uncontrolable and the tears are running down her face......... WHAT? I say........ you said park on the lawn and thats what Ive done LOL.........

As we calmed down, and looked out the front windscreen, there was about 15 faces peering out of the window at us...... and there in the middle was JULIA...... posh, stuck up Julia..... ashen she was, bloody ashen LMFAO

OMG OMG we are still laffing and Ann says, I think we should just reverse and make a run for it....... oh sod it I says, we are here now and it looks like they are waiting for us LMFAO..... good job we had dropped the nippers off somewhere else first, or I WOULD OF been in deep shit, cos there also peering out of the window was one of the Government Inspectors there to explain new policies etc LMFAO LMFAO....

So I says....... ok you two get out first lmfao... nope they say, lets just stay here lol..... but we decided to face the music, cos the front door flung open and a very red face midget, opps sorry, a red faced real angry Julia came stomping down the path LOL......

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING............ Ann and Sharon both look at me for a lead....... emmmmm there was nowhere to park, I says and Sharon (dobbing her in) said it would be ok to park on the lawn........... LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE she says...... get out the bloody car and look what you have done......... MY MOTHER BOUGHT ME THAT..... she is screaming whilst pointing sort of under me car....... LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE......

So we climb out me car onto the little lawn, I must admit it was a bit squiggy and me car had sort of made fairly deep indents in the lawn lol........ but there under the front wheel we could just make out something red....... omg omg I thought I must of run over her cat or better still her dopey boring husband........ no such luck though........ by now Julia was actually really crying and our laffing didnt really seem to go down to well......... by now the whole meeting had flooded out of her house and was all standing like soldiers on the front step, shaking heads and tut tut tutting...... Should I reverse, I say, Sharon by now was laffing so hard that she had to walk round the back of the car.... REVERSE said Julia, LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, I LOVED IT and now you have destroyed it.......... holy shit, I thought I really had run over a cat or the hubby, I looked over at Ann who was crying tears of laughter, YOUR ON YOUR OWN WITH THIS ONE MEL she said through huge inbreathes lol....

Calm down Julia, Calm down, you'll give yourself a stroke or something, I says, look it might still be alive, let me reverse and we can see if its ok...... so I jump back in me car and reverse off the lawn and back over the flower borders, over the kerb and just abandon me car in the middle of the road....... I say........ will it be ok there........ she was SO NOT HAPPY :)........ I again look at Ann and Sharon for support but they have left this sane planet and are just a ball of laughter....... bloody mates...... who needs then in a jam aye......... Julia is still going off on one so I walk over where I had driven......... USE THE PATH SHE SCREAMS lol........ and go see what it is Ive killed...... by now I was giggling and giggling and she was saying ITS NOT FUNNY YOU ARE NOT FUNNY.... me tyres had left 5 inch deep tread marks right across her lawn and her flower border...... so I says...... trying to lighten the atmosphere..... Julia you so need to get some proper drainage in this lawn its well soft......... have you ever heard a midget wail...... it was not good, with 15 angry faces looking at us, I look to where she is pointing.... and there in the tread groove squashed almost beyond reconition was a bloody garden gnome...... a BLOODY GNOME....... no cat, no boring hubby..... a bloody gnome........ well that just started me Ann and Sharon off again......

Do you know what........ some people just dont see the funny side of things LMFAO



Anyways, we went into the meeting..... they didnt even offer us coffee or biscuits....... tossers...........and they asked us to leave after about 15 minutes cos everytime I looked across at one of me maties, we all started that daft uncontrolable giggling............. so you see, going back to the same place today, bought back such funny memories......and today when we got there, there is a sign on the lawn that says.......... NO PARKING lmfao hahahahahahaha

It cost me £80 ($160) to put right the damage....... but, I didnt care........ cos that memory has no pricetag .......



I wish I could of found this gnome as a replacement :)

ok enuff Thursday Twaddle....

ps, now I have this David Bowie song in me head....... :)

Laughing Gnome Lyrics
Artist: David Bowie
Album: Images 1966-1967

was walking down the High Street
When I heard footsteps behind me
And there was a little old man (Hello)
In scarlet and grey, shuffling away (laughter)
Well he trotted back to my house
And he sat beside the telly (Oaah..)
With his tiny hands on his tummy
Chuckling away, laughing all day (laughter)

Oh, I ought to report you to the Gnome office
(Gnome Office)
Yes
(Hahahahaha)

CHORUS
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me"
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me"
Said the laughing Gnome

Well I gave him roasted toadstools and a glass of dandelion wine (Burp, pardon)
Then I put him on a train to Eastbourne
Carried his bag and gave him a fag
(Haven't you got a light boy?)
"Here, where do you come from?"
(Gnome-man's land, hahihihi)
"Oh, really?"

In the morning when I woke up
He was sitting on the edge of my bed
With his brother whose name was Fred
He'd bought him along to sing me a song

Right, let's hear it
Here, what's that clicking noise?
(That's Fred, he's a "metrognome", haha)

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"I'm a laughing Gnome and you don't catch me"
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me"

(Own up, I'm a gnome, ain't I right, haha)
"Haven't you got an 'ome to go to?"
(No, we're gnomads)
"Didn't they teach you to get your hair cut at school?
you look like a rolling gnome."
(No, not at the London School of Ecognomics)

Now they're staying up the chimney
And we're living on caviar and honey (hooray!)
Cause they're earning me lots of money
Writing comedy prose for radio shows
It's the-er (what?)
It's the Gnome service of course

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"I'm a laughing Gnome and you don't catch me"
Ha ha ha, oh, dear me

(Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me"
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me")

(One more time, yeah)

x

Welcome To Brenda and George..... The Karmas

Ok.......not long in from the Tuesday Trampoline Club, the person I lift share with was poorly so they asked if I could do the run even though I did it last week, course I said yes..... but THERE ARE TWO DAM PARENTS IN THEIR HOUSE YA KNOW.... whats wrong with the father taking them...... tossers....

So yesterday I mentioned something that me and my Tom had bought :)....... omg how excited was we...... :) we have 2 new additions to our household.......

So, let me explain....... in this house over the years we have had MANY pets, from bought pets to saved pets like Eric, to pets that have had babies and we have kept cos I just couldnt bare to part with..... thats why once we ended up with 14 bunnies :)..... and 4 Cats with 13 kittens all born the same day......

Right, ya see, the rule in this house is..... NO SNAKES....... NO SPIDERS...... but almost anything else goes....... as you are probably aware my Jacob is so very desparate for a dog..... he loves dogs...... as do I, BUT I DONT DO DOG POO..... so unless we can get a poo-less dog that one is hard to match...... on saying that me matie Ann has this rescued Staffordshire bull terrier called storm.. and they might let her have a litter, and if that is the case then Ann will let Jacob have one.... gawds sake, thats all I need in this mad house......

Anyways, our new additions, that have made me coo and arrrhhh and talk in some sort of mental voice were picked up yesterday :)....... bloody hell they are the most cutiest sweet dear little vulnerable things EVER........

Well ya know I have this twice weekly trip to the reptile shop to pick up dead white mice for Eric and live crickets for Geoff... well one of the crickets had such a sweet face that I couldnt bare for him to be eaten by Geoff so I have kept him in a little tank :) and have called him Brian cos he looks a little like our postman.....ok ok I deviate....... so when Im in the reptile shoppie in Cowplain I look at the creatures there.... and most I wouldnt give a monkeys armpit for..... BUT, BUT, BUT in this cage thing was the most amazing thing EVER...... it not only caught my attention it captured all my senseable thoughts and lobbed them in the bin LOL

BUT...... you see....... these creatures cost between £120 ($240) and £380 ($760) fully grown and there is not way THAT captured anything lol...... I told me Tom about them and he said, oh mum they are well cool, I would love one to....... so we went on the internet to find a breeder local :) and voila..... bingo...... gave the bloke a ring and sure enough he said come round and have a butchers......

Ya see we already had a spare thingy that they go in.... just needed 100 quid for the heater and lights etc.... so we went to see this breeder of CHAMELEONS.... yep bloody real proper chameleons :).... only 8 weeks old .....

The bloke seemed to well like us and we came away with a male (george - after boy george and karma chameleons LOL) and a female (Brenda - just cos I think thats a funny name lol) Toms is the male and mine is the female.........



This is my Tom with Brenda LMFAO.......

Ya see the Bloke well liked our enthusiasum and our interest that we knocked him down on his prices and we got George and Brenda for only £65 ($130) the pair..... which me and Tom went halves on.....

Wish you could see these little creatures in real life, they are so small so cutie and so very fragile looking.........



This is Brenda :) now how can you not just fall in love with her lol....

So....... ya know what me and Tom are gonna do, if we successfully keep these alive...... we is gonna breed George and Brenda :) and have loads of Karmas about the place....... and flog them..... see always the business minds :)..... they can have up to 30-40 eggs a time..... I could just get Janet to sit on them to hatch them LOL



This is George being introduced to me computer LMFAO.....

We showed Eric who his new neighbours were to be :) he was banging his head against the glass trying to get at them lol..... he would eat them in just 2 swallows...... he can be a mean bastard sometimes....... so we let Eric out for a walk and he then was trying to get in the box of tiny crickets that I bought for Mr and Mrs Karma....



This is Eric :)........ we love Eric......... and he loves us LMFAO.......

So I tells me maties today about George and Brenda....... and one maties says....... why the hell did you call a bloody chameleon Brenda for...... oh wait, wait, dont answer..... who else but YOU would call a pet Brenda.....

I think I need to find some new friends, these ones just take the piss out of me almost daily ;)

Way to much Twaddle for a Tuesday.....

ps..... Janet - Eggs = 13 :)

I Have To Believe.......I Need To Believe.....

Ok........ I didnt make the 5 hours trampoline trip to Southampton this evening..... I didnt think I was safe to drive, I was sooooooo very tired, so with my Jacobs permission we gave it a miss......... so Ive been sitting in me bedroom with the boxes of photos down on me bed...... I was looking for something in particular, but I cant find it, it must be in the other box, maybe I will look tomorrow...... but I found hundreds of others, each one tells its own tale, when I look at one of our photos from the box, and god knows there must be thousands, I can remember that day as if it was just last week....... I dont know if it is where Im knackered or where my Fathers Birthday is coming up....... I just dont know..... but I picked these up and showed me lads....... they to can remember them as if they had only just been taken....... strange aye, how we can hold certain things in ours minds/hearts/souls forever.........



So........ I have to believe, that even though HE, my father, didnt love me....... that, just for that day, he loved my boys enough to take them fishing....... a day they remember to this day....... I Need to believe he loved them if only for that one day......... they will NEVER know the truth.... I can NEVER take that day away from them.....



They look well chufted with their catch.....


I HAVE to believe..... I NEED to believe...... I So Want to believe..




That HE, their father, loved them once...... even though HE didnt love me........ just for a while, HE loved them........ they so deserved to be loved..... I wonder if they know just HOW MUCH I LOVE them....... I hope so........

One day my prince will come........ one day......some day I will be loved .....

What a load of Twaddle for a Monday....... x

PS....... BLIMEY - you will NOT believe what me and my Tom bought earlier :)...... I'll take photos for tomorrow......... more then well mega chufted..... we are bleedin mega chufted......... xx

Sometimes I Worry About My Sanity........

Ok........... usual laid back Saturday here.......got up to a pile of dishes to be dishwasher stacked..... asked the usual question to me lads 'which bit of someone stack the dishwasher, dont anyone get' ...... ok, Im on strike this morning..... so unless SOMEONE ANYONE but me loads the dishes then when all dishes/pots/pans/utensils in this house have been used to eat off of Im gonna bin the lot and dish ya dinner up off the floor..... :) there that got them moving :) - Jebus Im heartless sometimes, boys aint suppose to do anything right? THINK A BLOODY GAIN...... :).......

Right, here comes the 'your mental Mel bit' - I had to go to the reptile shop to get some dead frozen mice, and a box of live crickets and on the way back pick up my Sam who had stayed over at a 'house party' at his maties house (God help the parents when they come home)....... so there I am, driving along, when I suddenly think........shit why did I drive this way? why didnt I drive the back lanes way? AND THEN I SAW IT......... its a sign....... holy moly.......... ITS A BLEEDIN SIGN I tells ya....... there WAS afterall a reason as to why me brain, me soul, me very core took me the long way round.............

It was there, chained to a tree outside of someones house........ shining....... red and chrome...... with MY JACOBS name on it......... ITS A SIGN........sigh.......




Ok, let me explain....... Last year my Jacob was looking at a bike on the internet, it was a Stilletto Giant Chopper Style bike.....he looked longingly at this bike for days and days and talked about it with such lust..... BUT Jacob being Jacob would never of said 'mum can I have'.... he aint that sort of lad..... and he knew for a start that the bike was £350 ($700) which as bikes go is sort of expensive.......

But at christmas cos he needed a new bike for a bit of freedom and cos his BMX was well knackered that he had had 3 years previous, I bought him a lovely mountain bike with loads of them gear things :) ........ it was quite expensive but I got it in the sale for $400 so it was well a bargain, and the freedom its given him and me for that matter (cos less lifts to give) has been great........

So....... back earlier......... Driving down Sunnymead Drive, the long way round to pick up my Sam, and not knowing why I would of driven that way in the first place....... I saw this bike chained up to a tree outside of someones house with a FOR SALE sign on it....... my heart started to pound - OMG omg it was the red Stilletto Giant bike that Jacob has lusted for last year......... my head said drive on BUT my heart and soul said, just stop and have a butchers......... so after picking Sam up, 10 dead frozen white mice and a box of live crickets.... I drove back the way I had come, hoping in my heart of hearts that the bike was still there........

As we drive along the road I spot it on the next bend and I slam on the brakes lol my Sam almost shot through the windscreen lol........ and I just sit there in me car with Sam saying..... mum, what the hell ya doing......... so I says........ Sam, LOOK AT THAT, JUST LOOK AT THAT MUVVER........ I say to him, get out and have a proper look at it and go knock on the door of that house and see what they want for it........ mum, he says, it looks brand new and they are £350 ($700) so it aint gonna be cheap...... GET OUT THE BLEEDIN CAR AND GO ASK........ my heart pounding.......... my Jacob would die to get his hands on this bike.......... it had his name on it......... it was a sign that I went the wrong way....... it was meant to be...........

So, with that this huge scarey bloke comes out of the garden towards us........ hello, I says...... was looking at the bike........ oh he says, its almost new, we bought it a few months ago and its been ridden only probably 3 times and me kid dont like it........... so in a quiet voice I say........ how much was you looking for to get for it then...... so the bloke says, well make me an offer, you do know they are about 350 quid thats what we paid for it just after christmas.......... omg omg there is no way he would accept what I had in my head for it......... so jokingly I says........ I'll give you 50 quid ($100).... this HUGE bloke did the loudest belly laff I have ever heard....... your aving a laff right? he said.......... me with nervious laff.... yeah of course I was *stupid girlie giggle*........ what did you actually really want I asked again.... A SENSIBLE OFFER he boomed......

To be honest at this point I was a little affeared of this huge bloke and in my head was devising a plan of attack and how to take the muvver down to ground level if needs must LMFAO.........

With that he smiled the most lovely smile and started to laff........... look he said.... we really want rid so be sensible and just say what you want to pay......... so again I jokingly say....... 100 quid ($200) and it was a joke cos after all they are expensive and it was as new........... 'DONE' he said........ oh I said 'done' :) mega chufted....

I said I didnt have a 100 quid on me obviously, so he asked if I could leave a deposit and come back with the rest............. ha....

So I says....... a deposit...... ok well, I aint got no money on me but a couple of quid, but I can either leave you with my Sam *pointing at Sam* as a deposit until I get back....... or 10 dead white frozen mice..... or a box of 20 live crickets........

Cripes, the bloke almost fell on the floor, he creased up and held his sides...... 'the funny thing is' he said while laffing real loud 'is that YOUR SERIOUS' lol....... so we just shook hands and I said I would be back within half hour with the dosh to pick it up :)........

So now its sitting in old Mr Footes garage under an old duvet cover :)....... waiting for Jacobs Birthday on 10 June ....... SORTED......... well bloody sorted....... I know one young lad that is gonna be beaming from ear to bloody ear........and the thing is it aint a kids bike as such its HUGE......

check it out - http://www.rutlandcycling.com/ProductDetails/mcs/productID/5236

My Jacob loves bikes and he bought a bike last year off of ebay a greenmachine....... which is pretty cool..... so now with this other bike come his birthday he will have quite a collection..... now he just needs a penny farthing lol...... oye Shark, how about it? :) jokin..



It was meant to be......... and ya know what........ cos there is no way my lad would of asked for a bike so expensive........ IT WAS MEANT TO BE....... what a bargain...

Enuff Twaddle of a Saturday..... x

HUGE PS........ what I forgot to add ........ after putting the seats down in me car to fit the bike in and lobbing all the baby seats and booster seats on top, we are driving home when my Sam shouts STOP STOP STOP....... so again I slam on the brakes, thinking with me head in the clouds I had maybe run someone or something over..... we are stopped in the middle of a side road and Im thinking whatever Ive run over aint moving or making a sound........... BLOODY HELL MUM look at that, and as I look where he is pointing in someones drive, there is a bird........ not just any old bloody bird, but what looked like a guinea fowl thing........ could this possibly be a friend for Janet......... mum, lets get out and catch it...... I laffed and said you ave to be kidding right, nope he says...... so I move the car to the kerb and we get out, only armed with a teatowel that I found in the car that had been used to wipe up baby sick lol...... the plan was to corner the guinea fowl and lob the teatowel on its head and pick it up :) ---- easy right? ---- NO IT WAS NOT..... chased the bleedin bird around someones front garden and over their flower beds for nearly 10 minutes - well he did the chasing cos of me knee and I did the arm waving and hobbling and screaming lol - when it shot down their side alley and into their back garden, as we peered through the back gate it flapped over their back fence into the field behind....... dam... dam...... then the door of the house whose drive we was standing in and whose garden we had just ran all over, opened his side door and told us nicely to get out of his garden........ actually he said - GET OUT OF ME FUCKING GARDEN YOU IDIOTS BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE........ hahahahaha..... we made a quick getaway..... minus the guinea fowl.......... PRICELESS.......

x

Freaked Me Knickers Off......

ok.............you will probably just have a blank picture in front of you....... BUT it aint blank...... this was taken on me camera, after an incident..... what I want you to do is to make sure there is no background reflections, and no back light, preferably view this in a darken room with no side lights.....

I want you to blank stare at the middle of the photo and let your brain unravel what is there........ it is SO there for us here in this house, for bloody real......... then I want you to tell me what you see, that is IF blobber has licked and sticked me photo well proper, if not they are twats....

SO WHAT DO YOU SEE?.......... then I will give you the rest of me post......... YOU HAVE to stare for a few minutes, then IT WILL BE CLEAR.....you must have no back light to reflect or you will NOT see what I SAW.... dam bloody freaked me knickers off....... ok continue.........

more Twaddle later.......x

O Bloody K........... let me explain, a few days ago one of me lads came rushing down the stairs in a bit of a pickle...... oh christ oh christ he was saying as he leapt down the stairs from his attic bedroom 2 at a time......... mum mum you so need to see this.......

So, a bit of background info...... this is a tiny little house compared with doodles houses, and when we bought it, it only had 2 bedrooms and was all but derelict.... so we build upwards into the attic to make this little house a 4 bedroomed house...... so 4 sons later, the younger 2 ended up sharing until me oldest lad moved out 3 years ago....... he had the biggest bedroom (still small) cos he had the drumkit set up in there.....so when he left my Sam bagged his room......

Well I have always given me lads fairly free range in their decor in their rooms... as long as it was only painted in emulsion paint that would just paint over....... so when me oldest had this room the walls were filled with song lyrics and handprints of everyone that had ever been in there and it was such a work of art in there, but when my Sam moved into it he decided to keep one wall of artwork and paint the other walls with a roller, it really needed to coats of paint BUT he like the affect only one rolled coat gave, so thats how its been for the past few years, ya can sort of see the roller marks in a denim sort of blue..... the walls have been the same now for over 2 years........... ps, the brother whose room it was orginally is back living at home and sort of jumping around bedroom space... so all 4 back home again.....

ok back to Sam running down the stairs........ mum mum you so have to see this......gawds sake, what now, I say....... you have to come upstairs mum, NOW, its freaking me out..... well that well got his brothers attention..... with that they ran up the 2 flights of stairs while I sedately hobbled up....

Sit on the bed, sit on the bed mum and tell me what you see.... so I sits on his bed and asked what Im suppose to be looking at....... look straight ahead mum at the wall, ok I say, blank staring in front of me, what am I suppose to be looking at....... just the wall mum just stare at the wall............ HOLY POO..... I could see what he could see, there was a face on his wall, I could make out the hairline the eyebrows the deep set eyes the ears and the jaw...... the hairs on the back of me neck was quivering (not that Im hairy)......

So we all took turns at sitting on the bed to see if we all could see the face, and sure enough we could, but the spookiest thing of all, the face is of my Sam..... my bloody Sam....... oh cripes..... so we made Sam stand next to the face and sure enough it could of been an image of Sam...... it well freaked him out, my big strong 17 year old lmfao....... and of course with his brothers ribbing about ghosts and spirits and spooks, he refused to sleep in his bedroom for a few days lmfao.... the face is still there, it watches whoever is in the room, its not scarey anymore, its not even spookie its just 'face' even his band could see it, so its not just us.......

Im sure its just the way he used the roller when he was painting his walls..... I think...... Im sure its just a trick of light...... I think......... I dont know why it looks like our Sam, but it so does, it has the exact same head shape......

But whatever it is, we are now comfortable with 'face' .... so very comfortable, and the talk on that first night of 'Im gonna paint over it mum' has now changed to...... I think we will leave 'face' where he is......... he belongs.....

CAN YOU SEE FACE?

ok Twaddle over, make of it as you will, I aint bovvered :)

x

RIP Socrates.......

Ok........... I know that photograph is a bit pants, but it is afterall 25 years old, it was taken on a well naff camera...... oh how technology has come on since then.....

I hunted everywhere today to find that one and only picture of Socrates....

Anyways if you look real closely you will see that it is a picture of Socrates (named after a footballer) me tortoise........ ok where to start...... back in those days tortoises were easy to come by... almost 10 a penny....... a few years after that photo was taken, Britain put a ban on the import of tortoises from abroad, they had been imported by the box full, sometimes 200 in a small box, with only but a handful surviving......so us being the caring (lol) country that we be, decided that NO more importing and killing of tortoises.... 2 years after that picture, tortoises went from being 10 a penny to being well bloody expensive, and now you can only buy them from british breeders and they charge and arm and a leg or about £300 ($600) for one.......

So......... I had always wanted a tortoise...... for why, jebus alone knows........ so we get this tortoise, and I must admit he was well cool..... I use to get in from work and he would sort of run LMFAO...... ok ok maybe toddle up to me..... dont look at me like that, I swear he knew it was me...... anyways....... come the Autumn someone at work said that he needs to go in the shed in a box of straw and it would hibernate until the spring......... so I tucked Socrates up in a box from the shops with loads of hay and put him on the shelf in the shed...... and to be honest I forgot all about him over the winter.....

Come spring the same matie at work mentioned that it was time to uncover me tortoise from its winter sleep and put it out in the spring sunshine during the day, and then back in the box during the night until the nights became warmer, and he could stay out all night.......

Jebus I was so excited..... I remember getting up a little earlier the following morning and carefully taking the box out the shed, and lifting Socrates out of the hay and placing him on the grass next to a selection of salad veggies, knowing he would be well hungry after not having nuffin to eat all winter...... and I would go off to work........

Every morning for a fortnight I would take Socrates out of the hay box and place him in the garden with water and food, and every night when I got in from work, he would be in the exact same place, so I would put him back in the box and put him in the shed......... after about 2 weeks and he was still NOT eating or moving around the garden for that matter, I was getting a little concerned........ he seemed to of lost an aweful lot of weight over the winter months, but that was to be expected right?..... well I thought a trip to the vet would be in order, as I was so worried bout his lack of charging around the garden and his lost of appetite........

So there I sat in the waiting room of the vets and people was chatting about their pets etc and I was just holding Socratoes, thinking the vet would give him some high energy drink or something (ok ok SO I WAS A BIT NIEVE)...... they call me name and I go off into a little room where the vet was.........

Right, he says, what can I do you for..... so I told him that Socrates was off his food well actually he didnt get on it to begin with and that he didnt move around the garden during the day........... so he picked him up and said he was a little light for his age, on closer examination he said....... so why do YOU think that Socrates aint eating or moving around......... so I explained that maybe I had taken him out of hibination a little to early and he was still a bit tired.......... TIRED he said.... nah he aint TIRED .... Socrates is DEAD........ Dead, I says..... but he cant be, Ive been putting him in the garden every day for a fortnight........ look at his face, he said..... did you not wonder why he only has sockets where his eyes should of been, did you not wonder why his legs are all shrivelled up and sort of flat........... I said, well I thought he was a little off colour........ with that the vet (the bastard) said...... YOU HAVE BEEN PUTTING A DEAD TORTOISE OUT IN YOUR GARDEN EVERYDAY FOR A FORTNIGHT....... and he burst out laffing........

Now, maybe Im wrong, but I dont think thats very professional do you? LOL

25 quid ($50) to tell me, me tortoise was dead....... priceless

So I sadly takes him home, and digs a hole (the first of what would over the years be many) in the border and I bury Socrates and say me farewells..........

But every bloody Autumn when I would be digging around me flower borders planting daffs or such, I would be reminded of Socrates........ mainly because me fork went right though his shell and he would be impaled on the prongs lol.........

RIP Socrates......... I did love you for a short while.....

Enuff Twaddle for today.......

ps..... Janet = Eggs 8

Coke-By and Shitheads..... What A Mix

Ok............ what you have to understand is that I like horses..... and around where I live its horse country... stables stables everywhere, there is some well posh people around these parts, there is also a few stud farmer/stables that an Arab sheik owns, and the little house next to me is where the jockeys from that place live.......

That picture is a picture of Tanners Lane just round the corner from me house...

Me lads all rode when they was younger and I use to ride when I was a kid..... I never had money to ride, I would spend all my saturday mucking out stables about 8 miles from where I lived, I would ride there on me bike, muck out all day just to get the chance to ride bareback one of the horses back to the nightfield.... we use to ride along the beach at Langstone, I would then walk the 2 miles back to the stables, get me bike and ride the 8 miles home.....

Anyways....... whilst out today..... we had to drive down the back lanes to get to Butser hill....... its windy today and so we thought we would go fly the stunt kites up on the hill........ so, our lanes twist and turn and ya have to be real careful cos there are usually bloody horses at each turn of the road....... I love em, but they well can get on ya tits sometimes when ya in a hurry.....

So, we rounded the corner where Shover Cottage is and this bloody pair of oikes was right in the middle of the lane...... but give them their dues, they did get to the side so we could squeeze by..........

That is when my Jacob started to laff and laff and he said........ oh mum do you remember last year down the back lanes when we had to go pick up Bens girlfriends car.....

Ok, let me explain.......... the place that mends our cars is up at the farm, its a proper mechanic its just based up at one of the farms down the back lanes........ so, me lads girlfriends car had been in for its MOT and so I gave her a lift back to pick it up...... normal right?.......

Well as a treat my lot had just got a coke and milkshake from the McDonalds before we went to get the car......... So we pick the car up and I tell me lads girlfriend to go in front and I will follow...... so off we go........ she driving her car with me lad in and me behind in my car with 2 of me other lads in the back, it was in the middle of summer and well hot, so we had the windows open... just as we rounded one of the corners we come across 2 people leading a horse each, right in the middle of the lane, so we slowed right down and patiently poddled along behind......... but they didnt move over and there was no overtaking place anywhere, all they had to do was pull over into one of the gateways to one of the fields....... BUT OH NO they seemed to be shitheads, they seemed to think they OWNED THE LANE.... fink again buster........

So I revved me car up real loud lol........ the people with the horses looked round and shouted something at lucy in the car in front LOL it was funny...... so I revved again and again they shouted something at lucy again cos they thought it was her revving up...... she was getting the stick for revving lol....... anyways these shitheads didnt move over at all to let us by........so for over a mile we slowly crawled along, down the lane, round the bend, up the hill...... until we got to Creek Farm Stud where they pulled over into the gate and turned round and smiled and shouted something well rude........ what a couple of stuck up tossers they were............

Well RED FLAG TO A BULL...... the main mouthy girl was wearing a white T-shirt and as she opened her mouth for the second time....... a whole X-large cardboard cup of McDonalds Coke without lid and straw hit her smack bang in the middle of her chest and exploded all over her............ she stood there dripping...... it had been lobbed out the back window of me car by one of me lads..... usually I would of made a comment or gone mad and ripped their ears off..... but in this instance I just said........... GREAT SHOT...... BULLSEYE.......sorted....

Maybe next time some of these stuck up horsey people might think twice about hogging the whole lane in such a rude manner........ we call it our COKE-BY day.........

She should just be thankful that the ice had melted :).......or we could of had her eye out lol

Dont look at me like that......... does it look like Im bovvered with what you think ;)

Ok enuff twaddle....

Janet = Eggs 5

All Hail The Mighty Janet............

Ok........ just a quickie........ As you can see by the picture, Janet has been laying one egg a day since Wednesday.... that means she is happy and content and loves me with with a passion.....great aye, just love from a bloody chicken lol :)...... I toddle down the garden every morning and let her out into the little pen, but today, cos we was around, we opened the door and she had free run down the bottom of the garden to scratch and peck around...... she was not even scared when my Jacob was on the big trampoline with his maties, she just sat underneath...... she is WELL A BLOODY COOL CHICKEN......... I did have to shoo her away from the back gate though cos Im sure she was trying to limbo under it and escape out the back to go see Patricks chicken 2 doors along...... oh lordy, dont say she is gonna be a right little slapper chicken..... the bloody tart.....

She seems to lay her ONE egg around 11ish :) probably after doing tea and crumpets with the girls LOL........

Anyways....... Tom decided today that 4 little bantam eggs was enough for egg on toast for his lunch, so he had the honour of having the first tasting of Janet's eggs........



Tom says they was the tastiest bestest fried eggs he had ever had......... THEN DONT LOOK SO BLOODY MISERABLE TOM lol......... right thats the lads cooking, now if only they would learn to clear up the mess after them........

So the day went smooth, no hiccups as such........ I did panic a little when I realised it was dark out and I had forgotten to shove Janet back in her little coop and shut the hatch...... so I tiptoed down the garden in the dark looking for her, only to find she had seen herself home and was just waiting for someone to shut the door and turn off the lights........ sorted - so I walked back up the garden - you must understand I rarely wear shoes..... if I can get away being barefooted then I will - so there I am fumbling back up the garden in the dark when 'squelch' I stop dead in me tracks..... on no I must of trod on a slug or a snail and it had squidged between me toes........ gawds sake.......... but when I got up to the house and looked........ it was chicken poo LMFAO.......... bloody hell........ Janet sure does do big poos for such a tiny chicken lmfao......... :) anyways, whats a bit of chicken poo between friends.......

ps......... being of nursery (plants) stock...... we taught our lads at a very young age that slugs was OUR ENERMY....... and I will give you a great tip when confronted with a slug in your garden........ they can strip me delphiniums down to just a stem in a matter of an hour ya know - ok, when you see a slug, if you stamp ya foot down hard on just one end of it, it will shoot out of its skin at a rate of knots...... make sure you do this with no one standing in front, cos have you ever seen flying slug innerds flying at someone at 10 miles an hour...... not good...... and ya left with an intact slug skin :)....... another good one is, if you surround the slug with a little circle of salt, when it tries to escape, it goes all bubbly and sort of implodes in a bubble of froth........ I think I have been living with boys way to long lol

But now, all slugs will be hand feed to Janet, she so looks like a slug eater, remembering NOT to put slug pellets down in me garden or we will end up killing her - see, Im just a mine of useless information...... :)

Way to much Twaddle and rubbish for one evening......

x

Hampshire Chainsaw Massacre.... well sort of...

Ok..........what you have to know about me is that sometimes I can just do things real randomly..... :) but there is always a good reason behind me acts of randomness..... I think......

This morning, I was standing in me garden with a cuppa tea in me hand, watching the foggy day start.. knowing that when the fog cleared it was gonna be a glorious day again..... the nippers was all sat at the kitchen table munching toast.... I can hear the rush hour traffic over the houses on the main road through the village..... and I could also hear a 'CHAINSAW' well it sounded like a chainsaw in the garden over the back, the bloke is a tree surgeon so it sort of figured..... and as I stood there looking down me little garden, the memories of 'The Chainsaw Morning' came flashing back..... and just like 'The Mangle Day' I was there almost 3 years ago......

Look, me garden is well narrow and in the middle I had this big apple tree, it was there when I bought this little house all those years ago, and the owners then said, the apple tree is naff and you will need to cut it down..... well that was 20 years ago..... I loved that apple tree, I didnt care that the apples it produced were sour and unedible.... I love the gnarled trunk the twisted branches, all me lads had climbed this tree as nippers.....

But as I stood there that morning 3 years ago... I just knew that the tree needed to go, it would bring in more light to the garden. All down one side of me tiny garden were real over tall shrubs, and even though they made the garden private they needed to be topped before people thought that Jack and the Beanstalk lived here......

So, I had a great plan that spring of 2004...... the blokes over the back, you know, the tree surgeons said they would chop me tree down for 100 quid (thats like $200) I thought well bugger that..... I know...... Sleddies dad, who is one of me maties and whom kid sleddie Ive minded since he was a baby - he is called Sleddie cos his name is Eddie but he is a little slow, hence Sleddie) well his dad has a chainsaw and him being me matie surely he would lend me a chainsaw for gawds sake...... So one phone call later, he turns up with chainsaw with petrol in it and ready to go....... :) he said he would actually come and do it for me on Saturday...... oh ok I said.. and put the chainsaw in me shed........

Well..... Saturday was a long way off ya know in my eyes...... so after lunch, I got the chainsaw out of the shed....... I mean..... how hard could it be to just chainsaw down an old gnarled apple tree, right? ...... I found an old pair of steel toecap boots in the shed :) I aint daft ya know - safety first and all that..... started the monster up, which sort of flung me backwards lol..... great start aye......

I do not know what become of me, maybe it was this monster in me hand or the power of a killing machine throbbing scarily infront of me face lol........ how someone didnt die that day, I really dont know....

Right, apple tree, me, chainsaw..... Ive seen the lumberjacks on the telly cut down trees by cutting out a triangle in the bottom of the trunk right?...... here goes....... chainsaw sort of jumping everywhere, it was not as easy as it looked on the telly......but, its me, I can do anything right lmfao.......

TIMBERRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - me apple tree started to sort of fall........ but in the wrong direction......... bloody hell.... so I drop the chainsaw and run towards the house..... turn round just in time to see me apple tree crash through me neighbours fence..... oh shit... oh shit lol...... such a noise, such a splintering of fence panels....... SUCH SCREAMS from over the fence... oh my goodness.... I rush down the garden to peer through the apple tree branches and through the broken fence panels to find me twat neighbours swearing and shouting at me LOL........like that aint unusual........ me apple tree had taken out 2 fence panels and the posts and the branches were filling up their pond...... goldfish like a bit of foliage right lol.... and not 2 foot from the tree sat me twat neighbours wifey shaking but still holding her cup of tea in her hand LMFAO........ omg omg.......

Well, what could I say........ just at this point me gate opened and me matie turned up, she was shaking her head lol........ I could see that I had obviously NOT killed me neighbour with me tree and to defuse the situation, I stuck me head through the branches and said 'Oye, could I have me tree back' - HE WAS SO NOT AMUSED....... lol SO NOT........the things he called me are unrepeatable....... my friend by now was creased up on the grass laffing and laffing which didnt help me neighbours temper........ yes she the wifey was visibly shaken..... well she should of been in my boots lol...... but was she dead NO did she get hit by a apple tree NO........ the woman has a problem I tell ya lol

Anyways......... now with this new found confidence... I pick up the chainsaw and things I might as well top the top of me shrubs....... so I start the bloody chainsaw up again and once again get kicked back and as I turn with it high in the air, I hit the corner of the shed and slice off the corner of the roof LMFAO....... hahahahahahaha..... my friend is screaming STOP STOP me neigbbour had started up with the swearing again and the noise from the machine was deafening.......

In for a penny in for a pound...... I couldnt reach the top of the shrubs, so I thought, well bugger it, I will do a complete overhaul and just take them all out at the base.......... me X had planted these shrubs and many were not to my liking anyways........ so my simple brain said...... fell the bloody lot and start again with things ya like......... so thats what I did........ my friend is still screaming me twat neighbour is still shouting unrepeatable words, of which I couldnt really hear over the noise of the chainsaw and the adrenelin rushing through my head........

30 Minutes later, I turn off the machine....... and lay it on the ground ........ and stand and survey my work............. I THEN PROMPTLY BURST INTO TEARS........ my garden, my little neat garden looked like a war zone or at least part of the rain forest that had been taken down in the wink of an eye....... my garden was a mess........ the apple tree lay in my neighbours garden the fences were broken, like a huge gaping wound.... the corner of me shed was missing all the 12 foot shrubs lay all across me lawn and on me flower borders ....... yep it certainly let in more light LMFAO.......... JEBUS......... WTF........ my friend is just sitting at me garden table, laffing and laffing so much that I thought I would have to smack her into kingdom come to calm her down........ me twat neighbours were still at it.... so much so that I think I threatened him with the chainsaw and something to do with his neck...... you must understand I was in shock lol...... I think my threats must of been fairly realistic cos they scarpered off into their house lol.......

It cos me $400 for the blokes over the back to come and clear me garden...... they did bag up the apple tree once they had cut it into burnable size logs :)...... $400...... me garden was a mess........ but ya know what....... 3 years on and me twat neighbours have moved to Devon lol....... me new shrubs are all tall and making me garden private again.......... and oh my...... what a memory...... I aint used a chainsaw since.....



But just that noise this morning transferred me back 3 years lmfao.....

Enuff Twaddle for one day....

ps.....Janet - Eggs 2

Bloody Hell Janet Did Good..........

Ok.............. Bring it bloody on........ the eagle has landed....... my girl came through for me......... well bugger me and call me Brenda......(that SO dont mean what you think it means lol gawds sake)....

Can ya tell how bloody chufted I am........ my Tom just nipped home for lunch and I saw him walking up the garden all smiles.... beaming he was.....carrying AN EGG ..... obviously it didnt have that little smiley face on it, dont be dinlos, I drew that on :)

WE HAVE OUR FIRST EGG from Janet....... it means she loves us, it means she is happy with us, it means...... shit it means she needs to get dropping them a bit quicker, cos me lads eat 5 egg omelettes..... bugger that means it will be the weekend before we have enough to make lunch for one LMFAO........... :)

mega bloody chufted though.......

Enuff Twaddle.......

x

Reggie Is Now Officially Janet.......

Ok.............. As you all know from yesterdays post, I found a chicken...... yes a chicken outside school, I picked him up and bought him home to me family, with much delight from me minded kids......

Reggie we realise today is NOT a blokie chicken but a blokette chicken so we officially changed his name today to JANET........ we called her Janet cos we think we have never heard a chicken called that before......so when we call her name out the back door to come in for dinner, she will not get confused with her name......

Last night she slept in a big box in me kitchen, but before bed we did have a chance to get to know her a little, she is quite tame and me and me lads had quite a laff with her antics........

That photo up there is of me son Tom, he thinks Im a little crazy, but as you can see by his face, he is quite taken with the bird LMFAO

Janet very much liked climbing up the stairs and then having my youngest lob her off the top stair so she could get a good flapping action going....

Anyways....... this morning when I awake and opened the big box that Janet had spent the night in..... I realised she had not cockerdoddled once, so she must be a girl.... hence the name change..... what I also realised was that when you keep a chicken in a box over night in ya kitchen, they do HUGE poos and stink the place out......... so Janet was let loose in me garden....... cripes she loved it out there..... I thought she might attract some bird to me birdless birdtable but alas she didnt.......and she was 'well ard' and not at all scared of me cats..



Well this afternoon after our scout fundraising balloon release........ of which the balloons mostly got catch in the tall oak tree in our scout field lol and my lad had to climb 40 foot up the tree and tug them loose...... and then couldnt get down and no one would go up and rescue him, so he had to jump from 20 foot up onto the pile of grasscuttings...... shaking me head..... gawds sake......

anyways off track there for a sec........ after all this, I thought that seeing as how Janet can no longer live in the cardboard box in me kitchen cos of the size of her poos and the smell in the morning, that she ought to have a house of her own........ so off to Jolleys the pet shop I went with my Jacob...... :) - Janet is now the officially most spoilt chicken in the village lol............ we bought her the castle of chicken coops :)....... of course during the day she will have free run of the garden :) ........ and I will have to put a sign on the back gate for the postman (me postman comes round the back with any parcels cos he knows I never am in or I dont here the door bell, probably cos we dont have one lol)......the sign will say - Dangerous chicken loose - please shut the gate :)



Ok...... it seems like my day went smooth, which would be a bit unusual for me..... and up until the pet shop it sort of had been a smooth day........ so we turn up at the pet shop place and they only have 3 coops ..... I had to buy one today cos Janet needed to feel loved and wanted and a place of her own, so she could kick back and relax..... so I pick out this coop thing, not to big cos I have a coop on order thats coming in the spring ( when we was orginally gonna get some chickens - www.eglu.co.uk - go check them muvvers out :) ) but we was desparate today..... so I picks out this coop thats just over $300 and I says to the girl in the shop, oh Millhouse works here I'll have his 10% staff discount.... the girl then proceeded to tell me that no one by that name worked here, so we have this 5 minute disagreement and she says ok I'll call him on the mic over the shop........ so I takes the mic off her and says 'please let me' and I says 'Millhouse to the chicken department NOW please...... with that the girl is giggling.... and in walks Millhouse :) (millhouse is a lad that is always at my house, he is one of my lads friends...... and NO one at work knew his nicname..... and he was so embarrassed lol..... so I get millhouse's staff discount and he throws in food and straw and grit into the bargain....... and then proceeds to go out the store to get me a coop....

Oh NO I almost scream, I so aint gonna have to put one together with screws and things am I........ they come flat packed, he says............. OH NO they bloody dont I says........ you didnt see me trying to put together a birdtable last week..... I AINT BUYING NO FLAT PACKED CHICKEN COOP.....I want that one already made....... ya cant have that one he says it took hours to put together....... EXACTBLOODYLY I says........ I said, DONT make me roll on the floor and have a tantrum lol......... ok ok HAVE THAT ONE lol..... :) mega chufted....... 3 blokes to lift it down the stairs and carefully manourve it into the back of me car, after taking out 4 baby carseats and 2 booster seats and putting all the main seats down flat..... it only just fitted in...... slammed the boot and waved goodbye :)....

To get it into me garden when we got back, I parked down the bottom of me garden thinking I would lift it with Jacob in the gates....... but it would NOT fit pass me greenhouse so we had to take it through me neighbours back garden and take out one fence panel which I broke and lift it pass the trampoline until it was where we needed it............. :)

So ONE FREE chicken found wondering outside the school cost me:

$300 for a house for it...
$20 for a new fence panel...
$10 to replace the trampled plants in me neighbours garden...

PRICELESS......

BUT....... oh how I loves that little chicken called Janet :) - she looked so happy in its new house...... I just hope she aint died over night with loneliness or the dam cold........ I dont wanna have to say RIP Janet so soon....




Bugger just look at all that Twaddle........

x

Its A Bloody Sign I Tell Ya... Its Just HAS To Be

Something has JUST happened........... it must be a sign..... it just must be......... give me 30 minutes to sort these nippers out and I will explain......

I am totally GOBSMACKED..........

More proper Twaddle in a bit.... Jebus

x

So it was more then 30 minutes lol - I HAVE a life ya know.... be it mental or what, its still a life......

Ok........ One day my life might be normal, as in, it runs smooth and gently along like most other peoples........ on saying that, would I really want that, cos to laff the way I did today, well, it even beats all the tea in china, all the dosh in anyones bank account, cos its priceless.....

So, only 7 nippers before school this morning, so I bundle them all into me car for the school run, we took the car and didnt walk cos I was off out after to the farmers market with one of me maties...... GREAT....... only 3 babies to take with us.... thats a doddle......

We buy loads of fresh fruit and veggies etc..... I even found a blokie selling BIRD TABLE stuff......so I hunts around and finds some MORE bits for me birdless birdtable...... my friend is ALREADY laffing and taking the piss out of me and by now its only 9.45ish..... after the farmers market we had some lunch out and then nipped up into town to pick up some bits and bobs......... NOTHING gobsmacking about that right?........ we should get back just in time for the school pick up, and I would be having 9 after school today......... so on the drive back (my turn to drive) me maties mobile rings, and she says 'ok ok HURRY UP THEN'..... so I says....ok who was that....... to which she says....... nuffin.... and she started to laff....which started me off, so we was like 2 loons laffing that stupid uncontrolable giggles.......

I drops me matie off home, with 'I'll see you in 15 minutes over the school' .... ok she says, and more laffing.... so I pulls up outside me house and unload me bits and the babies and walk round the back door.....

There in all its glory is me birdless bird table WITH THIS.........



Whilst me and me matie was out today, me other matie thought it very amusing to stick a flat wooden heron and a flat wooden duck under me birdless bird table...... I GLAD EVERYONE THINKS ITS SO BLEEDIN FUNNY.........

But thats NOT the sign........

So, I dash(hobble) over the school, pick up from infants and then make our way over to the juniors...... there we are standing outside the school gates, when about 20 foot infront of us on the little bramble patch, some lads are running around screaming and shouting...... someone said they was chasing a BIRD....... so I goes over and says..... hey hey lads, its not good to be chasing anything, you will really scare it....... but when I peer into the bushes......... its only a bloody chicken they have been chasing..... A REAL BLOODY CHICKEN... white with speckled head ...........OMG, so me being me, climbs into the brambles and grabs this chicken and tucks it under me arm and walks back over to me maties LMFAO........ omg talk about laff..... we laffed and laffed......... so Ann says, and what are ya gonna do with that? - Im gonna keep it as a pet, I says....... more hysterical laffing..... and much rolling of eyes.......




So, home I hobble with 9 nippers in tow and a chicken under me arm...... now the chicken is in a box in me kitchen lol WTF am I gonna do with a chicken, we were gonna be getting some chickens come the spring, but oh my goodness....... ITS A SIGN ...... maybe tomorrow there will be queues of birds on me birdless bird table....... maybe Reggie is the BIRD GOD.........

Yep........ Ive called it Reggie.....




So from flat wooden bloody birds and mental maties.... to Reggie in me kitchen in a box eating wild bird food for his supper...... :)

Life aye...... godsmacking some days it is......

Enough Twaddle for one day...... Reggie needs sorting out lol

x

Glad THEY fink its funny........ Gawds Sake

Ok............... You have to understand this house, Im ALWAYS the first up....always..... I crawl out of bed every morning with the sound of me alarm on me mobile buzzing away..... I turn it off, then 10 minutes later me other alarm goes off, the one where I actually HAVE to get out of bed to turn off, see great ploy, it makes ya GET UP cos otherwise it drives ya crazy....... So Im first up...... I aint the best sight first thing in the morning and I stumble around in a daze, ya see I dont actually begin to really wake up until Ive had me first cuppa char......

So this morning was no different from every other morning in me life...... so I stumble down stairs to bung the kettle on before I have to shout up the stairs to check that everyone else has stirred.......

Into me kitchen....... ok something aint right....... WHERE THE HELL DID THEY COME FROM?....... ya see, the tulips in the jug with the little hearts I bought a few days ago... I buy flowers for meself every week, just a little bunch, nuffin posh..... BUT where the hell did those daffs come from....... and WHO put them in me antique jug? ya know, the jug that was a crimbo pressie to me..... ok, lets think, they was NOT there before I went to bed....... but they are there now........ who was still out when I went to bed.........SAM...... so, putting on me detective hat, they must of come from Sam.... that means ONE THING.......... he nicked them off the little roundabout just as you come into the village....... the little sod has nicked me some daffs lol........... oh well.......... there must be a reason......... who does he think I am FAGIN?...... anyways they are pretty :) - making note to HAVE A WORD when he gets up...

But thats NOT the reason that Im smiling this morning.............look at this picture....what do YOU see......



Let me explain, since I got me bird table last Friday and with all the karfuffle that went with it....... NOT one bird has visited, a pidgeon DID fly over it yesterday and just looked....... but not one little tit, nuthatch, eagle..... nuffin....... its now a standing joke amongst me maties and me lads...... every day at school drop off me maties say........ any luck......... NO ........ then they laff and laff...... every bloody day morning and evening....... the sods text me throughout the day, every day since Friday.........well...... or....... birds...... and then LOL....... I dont think its funny....... :( they are well taking the piss out of me birdless birdtable and me fruit fat block.......

So as I bunged the kettle on this morning, I stood looking out the window at me birdtable....... and .........OMG OMG joy oh joy a bird, a little bird.......THE EAGLE HAS LANDED........ oh I HAVE A BIRD..... I run to the bottom of the stairs and shout........ GET UP GET UP..... and THERES A BIRD ON ME TABLE......... I run back to the window and its still there....... I am filled with just happieness, it means when me maties say this morning 'well tweet tweet' I can actually say........ YEP..... that will shut them the hell up lol........

I make me mug of tea and wander back to the window......... its still there....... it aint moved....AND THE CAT is sitting under the birdtable, and the little bird still aint moved........ it must be a 'well ard' bird not to be scared of me cat........

OK, something aint right, the bird is dead still, maybe in fright I think, maybe its died of fright cos of the cats........ so I put on me pink fluffy slippers (ok stop taking the piss) and I tiptoe out the back door to me bird table............

THE BLOODY LITTLE SODS....... I'll kill em............. ITS NOT A REAL BIRD, its a stuffed little fake bird........ I did have to suppress a little giggle.......

When I get back in the kitchen 3 of me sons are standing there almost wetting themselves laffing so hard......... Im glad THEY fink its funny.......

So me day has started with stolen daffs and a fake bird.......... oh joy, its a sign of the day to come........

I hope your Wednesday has a laughable start to it as mine has...

Enough Twaddle for today....

x

54 Pairs plus............

Ok............. all I have to say today is..........54 pairs of boxers(every pair different) and 65 pairs of socks (not all matching)...... 5 sheets, 10 pillowcases and 5 duvet covers...........

Thats what Ive washed today, thats whats flapping around on me washing line in the garden............

Sooooooooo, why oh why do my sons bedrooms STILL STINK.......... gawds sake........

Its not like I can even get a thrill out of washing these boxers.......they are me sons for goodness sake, its not like they are from some gorgeous hunk of a blokie.... now thEY WOULD be a pleasure to wash lol...... :)......... OK OK so Im a saddo, but its been a while since Ive had someone elses boxers to sniff and wash lol

Geeeeeeeeez sons.......... who would ave em.........

Just a little Twaddle but its enough.......

x

Bloody Tits.......

Ok............... Last week I ordered a bird table for me little garden...... I thought it would be easier to just get the bugger delivered........ so Ive waited and waited and no bloody bird table has turned up.........

I use to have one hanging from me apple tree, but those that know, know the story of me apple tree and the chainsaw..... so with the demise of the apple tree so went the dangly bird table.........

I LOVE with a passion watching the little British birds in me garden, and we have a blackbird thats well not scared of me cats...... anyways.......... so I thought, I would treat meself to a bird table.........

Its not like I smoke or drink or go for wild crazy legs eleven sex with any Tom Dick or Harry, so whats a little treat once in a while :).....

But ya see the birdtable didnt turn up.... no word from the shop....... so, when me matie rings me on Friday and says......... oye Mel, I took you to the garden centre yesterday so today you can come with me to choose a hoover mower, and a giant pot for me Yukker and some mud (she is such a townie and calls soil, mud, there is no hope), so I says.... ok, but as we will be passing the shop where I ordered me bird table we can pop in there and pick it up...... ok she says........ so Im mega chufted......

So loaded again with 5 kids, a boot load of buggys and bags we head off mower shopping....... the mower was in a huge box, the pot for the yukker was huge, the bag of mud she chose was huge...... so the car is bursting at the seams but we are all singing along :) - shit....... dont forget me bird table....... so we stop off at Argos..... Argos was the only place that had a bird table that I really really liked........ the garden centre must of had 30 different ones, but when it comes to bird tables Im fussy and stubborn and I knows what I like..............

Well you would of laffed, cos we did........... we get all the nippers out the car and nip into Argos..... they said me table was on the delivery van today, so I says, well tough tittie Ive come to pick it up........ well off she goes and gets another one and OMG its in a box only about 2ft long........ wtf..... it said it was partically put together........ you aint serious I say, there is no way a 5 foot bird table with roof and bobble ball top is in the little box........ yep it was lol ....

So we take me purchase and we all squeeze back into the car now with an added box to squash in...... back to me maties house for lunch, then to suss and sort out the kids, then to repot the giant yukker and then to assemble me bird table :)

Well you must understand and the last thing me and me matie put together from a flatpack was last year, and it was her new television cabinet....... emmmmm well, she no longer has it lol........ it wibble and wobbled and only lasted 3 weeks before it collapsed lol........... but then we shouldnt of tried to put it together by hammering in the screws cos we didnt have a screwdriver only a hammer....... it was a learning experience.....

So kids sorted, yukker replanted with loads of giggles and swear words.......... shit, it took us almost 2 hours to try and put this partly put together birdtable together........ the partly bit was that they had assembled the roof bit..... but they didnt say it also had 50 yes 50 other screws to put in.........flashback to the telly cabinet, and we looked at each other and was almost wetting ourselves........

ok, so the bird table is a little wobbly and I will have to sort of dig it in the ground a bit to stop it falling over, and we didnt find all the holes for 50 screws cos we had 17 left over LOL, but all in all as we stood back, I think we made a good job........

Right, I says, you will have to give me a lift home cos there is no way I can carry that round the corner....... so we plonk all the kids back in the car...... and then try and get the bird table in.........HAHAHAHAHAHA........ there is NO WAY this 5 foot wobbly screwless thing was gonna fit in the car with everyone........ do we leave some of the kids behind? dare me lock them in the shed for 10 minutes while we nip me and the table home.......... nah......... we are woman, this is Mel and Ann we are talking about....... we can do anything :)..............

So, off we drive fully loaded with the birdtable sticking out the top of the sunroof of the car........ hahahahah complete with hanging nut feeder and berry fat bird snack dangly and swinging in the wind........... :) see we can do anything once we just think it through........

Old Mr Foot that lives opposite me was in his drive when we pulled up, sort of blank staring........ he was shaking his head and laffing lol........ so we just smiled at him....... he knows me to well lol

So that was Friday........ not one bird has come near the table........ they had better bloody hurry up....... cos I spent not only the a lot of money on the birdtable but $20 on bleedin bird seed and treats....... they have one week to make an appearance before I start picking them off the fence with me sons air rifle....... one week......

Them birds are well getting on me tits......... :)

Blimey, to much twaddle for one day....

x

PS........ note the dangly berry fat feeder LMFAO...... of course it helps if I take the fat block OUT of the plastic wrapping hahahahahaha....... jebus, give me strength..... :)

Garden Centre Madness.....

That there picture over there >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> is the photo I took last summer of the plant outside me back door.......

Ok...........busy busy day today, and such a funny day at that, they say laughter is the best cure for everything, I dont know about that, but after today and yesterday I do know that me sides ache so very much, Ive laffed so so much this past couple of days, and I mean laffed stupidly so that the giggles and tears just kept rolling lol

I should write about today, but instead I will try and finish me story of what happened yesterday......

So Me and me matie Ann, with 2 babies in tow and 4 YES 4 barely walking tots (6 under 2s all told), bundle into me car with a boot full of buggys (strollers) and head for Keydell Garden Centre which is about 6 miles away...... its got birds and a pond there also, so its fun for everyone..... and a coffee shop to die for......

Mission.... to buy 5 blue and 5 yellow polys for me poo buckets.....plus anything else that took me fancy, which is always loads lol.... they will only be planted in there a few weeks before I change them again, I change them with the seasons lol.......

So we get there, plonk a baby in each buggy and have 2 each holding onto the sides..... easy right? so first problem...... how can we carry all the plants we want with all these nippers......... ok...... so I grab one of them garden centre sort of trolleys with the 2 wheels and the oblong handle, and I say, look Ann, if Hilary our blind friend can push a baby in a buggy with a toddler in tow and a blind dog and get her shopping, I can pull a garden centre trolley whilst pushing the baby buggy with 2 tots in tow.... HAVE YOU EVER TRIED THAT lol.......... after struggling for about 5 minutes with kids everywhere and buggies and trolleys running people down, and quite a few choice words from people...... I hatch a plan........ :) - now you must understand me matie Ann, when we are together we laff and laff ...... so me plan was...... if I hooked the handle of the trolley over the handle of the baby buggy like it was a horse and cart and I stood in the little gap in between then I would be able to pull the trolley and push the buggy at the same time......... problem one, getting in between the trolley and the buggy with me dodgey knee, omg, it was just the funniest..... and of course I then got stuck in the tiny gap and it was impossible to actually walk.... mission failed.... by this time.... Im stuck in the gap the babies are screaming and the 4 tots have made a run for it........ Ann is creased up on the floor laffing so hard that she is useless to me struggle to try and climb out with me dodgy knee that wont bend, Ann had visions of me falling backwards into the trolley which in turn would flip up which would then flip the buggy up into the air with the babies flying everywhere...... omg omg, it was just so funny........ I suppose its one of those times that YOU JUST HAD TO BE THERE......

The nursery bloke had to come to our rescue, actually 3 of them, 2 to gather all the kids up and one to dislodge me from me stuck postion LMFAO...... they also ended up laffing til they cried.......

Why oh why cant I just have a normal day out like everyone LOL

So that was yesterday.......... and the below writtings are from our trip to the same garden centre a few weeks ago, prior to me knee op.......... friends aye..... ya just gotta love em.......

Ok, so I dropped off 4 at infants and 2 at pre-school which left me the baby and a 3 year old.... so I nip round to me maties Ann and pick her up with the 2 she has and then round to sharons to pick her up with 1 she had left........ cos I well have had cabin fever this past fortnight.......

So we nipped up into town to do a bit of banking and then off to Keydell which is a big garden centre place in Horndean, there is also a pond there with ducks and birds etc, so it would be good for the nippers to..... oh and a lovely coffee shop in the old victorian house there........

When we get there, I park up and shove the baby in a buggy.... and walk through the main doors.... omg right at the entrance is a couple of wheelchairs..... well you need to know that my maties ann and sharon have the same sick warped sense of humour that I do.... and when we are together we laff at the most ridiculas things... and its such a riot..... and god I so needed to laff this week...... so, anyways.... Ann says..... shit they have cripple vehicles.... quick Mel get in one and we can practise for when you old and crippled and if this op goes pear shaped......

So I jump in one of the wheelchairs and sit Ellis on me lap and sharon pushes me, we are giggling it was so funny..... they bump me down the bloody steps into the greenhouse where we shouldnt of been for a start and I tumble out in a heap clutching Ellis for dear life.......

so Ellis gets wise to this and decides to walk, by then, Im thinking, I quite like this being pushed around lol and pointing at plants and making retarded guggling noises and being allowed to dribble without a care.....

Well..... the garden centre is all but empty, sort of inbetween seasons ya see....... so Ive already got me pockets full of cuttings, cos we didnt have money to buy anything..... well only money for a coffee..... and they think its funny to tip the wheelchair backwards with me still in it and lay it down on the floor.... so there I am in amongst the shrubs laying on me back in a wheelchair with me legs in
the air..... and they fucking disappear, I can hear them giggling....... OH THEY THOUGHT IT WAS VERY FUNNY....... cos from that position there is no way I could get up...... so I start to shout.....HELP HELP laffing...... and this man that works there comes running out of the greenshouse all in a fluster... real worried and
concerned LMFAO HAHAHAHAHAHA...... he lifts the wheelchair back up to my relief and asks if Im ok, with which I get out the chair and stand up and brush meself off....... ya should of seen his face....... it was just soooooooo funny....... he took the wheelchair off me and said a few choice words....... me maties had scarpered with the kids and I found them laffing in the coffee shop.......THE
BASTARDS.......

So endith me 2 trips to the garden centre within 3 weeks........ my god help us... or mores the point, my god help them lol...... I think there is talk of us being banned from there....... :)

Ok more then enough twaddle for today....

x