Monday, 26 March 2007

I Have To Believe.......I Need To Believe.....

Ok........ I didnt make the 5 hours trampoline trip to Southampton this evening..... I didnt think I was safe to drive, I was sooooooo very tired, so with my Jacobs permission we gave it a miss......... so Ive been sitting in me bedroom with the boxes of photos down on me bed...... I was looking for something in particular, but I cant find it, it must be in the other box, maybe I will look tomorrow...... but I found hundreds of others, each one tells its own tale, when I look at one of our photos from the box, and god knows there must be thousands, I can remember that day as if it was just last week....... I dont know if it is where Im knackered or where my Fathers Birthday is coming up....... I just dont know..... but I picked these up and showed me lads....... they to can remember them as if they had only just been taken....... strange aye, how we can hold certain things in ours minds/hearts/souls forever.........



So........ I have to believe, that even though HE, my father, didnt love me....... that, just for that day, he loved my boys enough to take them fishing....... a day they remember to this day....... I Need to believe he loved them if only for that one day......... they will NEVER know the truth.... I can NEVER take that day away from them.....



They look well chufted with their catch.....


I HAVE to believe..... I NEED to believe...... I So Want to believe..




That HE, their father, loved them once...... even though HE didnt love me........ just for a while, HE loved them........ they so deserved to be loved..... I wonder if they know just HOW MUCH I LOVE them....... I hope so........

One day my prince will come........ one day......some day I will be loved .....

What a load of Twaddle for a Monday....... x

PS....... BLIMEY - you will NOT believe what me and my Tom bought earlier :)...... I'll take photos for tomorrow......... more then well mega chufted..... we are bleedin mega chufted......... xx

19 comments:

Side Note said...

That's a very touching post. As a dad that only sees his daughter on the weekends it reminded me of a conversation I had this past weekend with my daughter that triggered her memory of when I used to read Robert Louis Stevenson's "A Child's Garden of Verses" to her each night. When I called her last night, she was on the computer and was reading the poems I used to read to her. I fired up my laptop and read a few of them to her like I used to even though she's 15 now. She got a kick out of it and it was bittersweet for me.

MarmiteToasty said...

~((SideNote))~ for seeing your daughter, be it only weekend, I take my hat off to you and I respect you fully......... my sons father walked without a look back..... he has not seen my older 2 grow from boys to men, and has not seen my younger 2 grow from lads to boys....... he took not one photo...... he took just himself.....

So I applaude and love you for keeping YOU alive in your daughter........ fanks for YOUR moving post....... xx

MarmiteToasty said...

Ok, its now tomorrow while your still in yesterday......... nite....... lights cats plugs xx

Mr. Fabulous said...

I want to give you a nice big hug. Why do you have to live so far away?

Side Note said...

Thanks Marmitetoasty, I haven't always been there when she needed me most but I'm trying.


"To Alison Cunningham
From Her Boy

For the long nights you lay awake
And watched for my unworthy sake:
For your most comfortable hand
That led me through the uneven land:
For all the story-books you read:
For all the pains you comforted:

For all you pitied, all you bore,
In sad and happy days of yore:--
My second Mother, my first Wife,
The angel of my infant life--
From the sick child, now well and old,
Take, nurse, the little book you hold!

And grant it, Heaven, that all who read
May find as dear a nurse at need,
And every child who lists my rhyme,
In the bright, fireside, nursery clime,
May hear it in as kind a voice
As made my childish days rejoice!"

R. L. S.

The Fool said...

Your boys are blessed to have you, Marmie. It seems that you put a lot of effort into making life for them one big wonderful memory. Keep up the good work.

And who knows, wishes and druthers have a way of happening when you least expect. Just be open to things and be. It's funny how the world spins when your attentions are elsewhere...

**take care, M-Toasty**

Later.

OrdinaryShark said...

Such a day you must have had today. My heart goes out to you.
First I can-not-even-imagine that those boys don't know how much you love them. (We certainly all do!) Everything you do, say, demonstrate everyday aside, it seems to me that every pore of your body must absolutely exude how you feel about your boys.
I have the same problem but different. My ex and I started sharing custody 50-50. She was very angry about the divorce. Weaselboy moved out and I ended up with full custody of Girlface for the last two years. She just cannot get along with her mom. I understand how hard it is for the kids (and heck, I can't get along with her much of the time either!) but I know she loves them infinitely and spent much of her life helping form who they are. Girlface, especially, just cannot see beyond her mom's problems and spend time with her. Or even like her sometime. But regardless how Girlface feels I know how her mom feels and I know how she has shaped her. So, despite my (considerable) differences with her mom I have to continue to portray her in a positive light and know that ultimately they will find the good that is there.
I cannot fathom the pain and problems someone must have in their life to cause them to leave children especially such beautiful boys as you have. (I know, I've seen pictures!)While truly your love alone could sustain your boys, they may well have a lost and pained soul out there who in his way loves the boys he left behind. Even if just some small twinge or memory. In some fashion it may be that his leaving was a form of compassion to the boys, although obviously I know nothing of the man or his circumstances.
It is astounding how little love people can live on. With the abundance of that particular commodity you supply your boys I have no doubt that the limited love your father (and ex) were able to give will be enough acknowledgment for them to have a connection. As they grow, develop and mature they will be reflecting the traits you demonstrate everyday and will be able to identify those brief good bits they have received from estranged and troubled family.
While I am so sorry for the tough bits I marvel at your strength and resilience and exuberance for life.
Surely you are sleeping the sleep of the good tonight and every night.
peace.

the psycho therapist said...

Marmy,

And you did not delete. I couldn't be happier.

You are a precious metal. If I was an alchemist I'd find no impurities in the cauldron of your making. I know you are more than enough and I know your boys know this, too.

Shark, Jesus, you are spot on...and a beautiful writer. I have nothing to add to your words.

Nice to see good fathers, isn't it Mel, and look at the ones that have stopped by here. Another blessing and grace, I'd say.

{{{{{{Mel and Wen}}}}}}

PS...on a less serious note, if Kentucky Brat and Critter were here they'd be drawing straws to see who could push your father overboard the fastest, hardest and farthest. You know this right? And Lynn and I wouldn't be just standing on the sidelines, either.

Hell, didn't I just offer to help Mr. Fab dispose of that body. Friends have your back.

Sleep sweet, sweet sleep under the comfort of an embracing duvet.
:)


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Starr Kelso said...

MToast, leave the baggage behind, if you look in the rear view mirror you can't see the road in front of you...

Jump to the Left said...

Oh, Marm,

There are things I need to believe, too...

In the book of my life, love beats all. Your love is wide open, expanding, reaching out. In that, your boys, beautiful lads they are, thrive.

MarmiteToasty said...

~((MrFab))~ honoured with your presence ;) - gawds sake, give over LOL... x

~((SideNote))~ maybe not always BUT enough, fanks for the verse :) x

~((Foolie))~ Dont know about blessed, I am the one that feels blessed, through all the hard times and believe me, raising 4 sons completely financially and emotionally alone aint been an easy ride :) - BUT.... the joys, the laffs, the love has way out shone the hiccups :)...... ya see when ya get hiccups ya gargle gin whilst standing on ya head ;)..... thank you foolie :) - knowing my luck, when the world spins I will fall off and land on bleedin Mars lol fank you for being the super dad that you are...xxx

~((Shark))~ :) actually the day was great....... ya see memories of life dont HAVE to all be filled with pain, even the hard bits, even the bits we wish were different, they are just that, life....... ya see 'this' aint nuffin compared to somethings in life ;)

I take my hat off to you and lob it so far in the air with love for you for being there for your kids.... :) - my lads do get glimpses of their father every so often cos he lives only 2 miles up the road, and our opps lol HIS business is in the next hamlet..... and he once in a while will turn up on our doorstep with a birthday card, not often though and he will send one a birthday card and not the others etc..... he is a bit of a loon lol...... he didnt want a family, that is why he left, he then had another child 2 years ago lol :) sods law right, but, that relationship is no longer, so another child to grow without a dad......

I get a glimpse of him sometimes.... not always to my advantage though, aye PT lol

You say that girlface cant get along with her mum, I can so understand that :)..... but ya know what....... even if me X had stayed, and been here for the past 6 years, our life wouldnt of been much better, cos ya know what...... we have more time (believe it or not) more money, more LOVE that surrounds me and me lads now then we ever had before... and the hiccups would of been there whether their father was here or not...... its hard to explain....... lets just say....... work was his priority not his children.... and certainly not me.... but work for his own gain.. nuff said lol

So Shark..... I fank you as a mum so much for just being you and fanks for sharing a little about YOU and your mob :) precious.....x

~(((Wendy)))~ ya impress right lmfao..... I couldnt find the delete button lol

No precious metal here :) just a bit of jagged bronze lol

And ya know what, if I aint enough, then at least I go with the knowlegde that I did me utmost best under the circumstance lol...well most of the time ;)

Oh there are WONDERFUL fathers, its makes me smile with such love for these dads..... there are more good shining red apples then there are mouldy pipless ones ;) I see them in abundance here and in life.... as do my lads (well not here but in life)... I hope they, my sons will be good fathers....or I will kick their arses lol

Yeah, Brat and Critter are in our gang LMFAO........ orange overalls ironed and folded ready for use LOL

((((Wendy Melody))) loves ya xxx

~(((Starr)))~ ya see thats where ya have me oh so wrong :) - there aint no baggage to leave behind.... I travel light, only with me rucksack...... where others peoples luggage and their suitcases dont even match, I just carry me little rucksack.......

Ya see these are just memories.... they dont take me to me knees...... they dont fester and swirl around my daily life..... they are memories.... good and bad..... :) - no rear mirrors here buddy...... believe me..... I suppose one has to KNOW me to really believe me......... :) ..... xxx

MarmiteToasty said...

~((Jump))~ :) ya snuck in under cover of darkness lol.....

well dont get me wrong :) sometimes the love aint seemed enough.... remember 3 of me 4 were teenagers at the same time.....LORDY LORDY lmfao and sibbling arguements sometimes are the talk of films lol.....

fanks for your imput..... x

Starr Kelso said...

Good Morning MToast! I am off to the covers meself, I am. However, I did just post an update for you regarding Elkie.:)y--Oh, glad I was wrong.

MarmiteToasty said...

~~((Starr))~~ :) your just off to bed and Im just out the door with 8 nippers :).... sleep sweet..... I'll investigate elkie when I get back about lunchtime :) xxx

MarmiteToasty said...

PS..... That photo of me lads on the MerryGoRound, was taken the weekend after HE left us on the shitpile of life.......

;) does we look bovvered ..... lol

x

MarmiteToasty said...

pps....... :) it didnt turn out such a shitty pile afterall :)..... aint nuffin better then a great steaming heap of manure LOL

x

The Fool said...

Hi Marmie...where are these photos that you allude to? What is the new find? A bloke for Janet?

Kati said...

Awww, that's so sad. I'm sorry to hear that you don't have fantastic memories of your dad. I hope that for that small amount of time he truly did love not only being around your sons & teaching them to fish, but actually love them for who they are.

May your sons someday break the cycle that seems to recur in your lives, and fully love the children they help bring into this world. Hopefully your loving example will overcome the examples of their father & their grandfather.

And congrats to you for being such a strong woman, to parent your sons so lovingly, to see them grow into such fine men!

MarmiteToasty said...

~((Foolie))~ ya do know that the 'lack of patience' can make ya saggy sacks fall off ;) ..... x

~kati~ welcome back :) - hey its ok.... me father had his reasons... I still loved him til the day he died...... just so many unanswered questions, thats all....... :) - and me lads WILL be wonderful dads..... I just know it......but I do tell them I so aint ready to be a grandma LMFAO..... so I tell them to 'keep their bits in their boxers' :) ... x